This may come as a surprise to some people, but I used to want children. Not just one, but two kids to run around the house. For the past 15 years, my feelings on this topic have wavered. For the past 5 years, I've been satisfied with my life and thinking a child wouldn't add anything. But the 10 years before, I had wavered. You see, I had been told my chances of having children were 80/20, but I had surgery 5 years ago that eliminated any problems. With all the health issues, I was told to have children by 35. Now that age is encroaching, the thought is swirling around, will I regret not having children?
The other day Sara's B was visiting and I just fell in love with him. The surge of mommy feelings were startling to me. I hadn't felt them in a long long time. When my sis had C and I was the birthing coach, I was amazed by the experience, but didn't feel the twinge.
I've been reading material on what makes a good parent. I know such a librarian move, but I like to have all the facts before me. I think I would make a great parent. My fear is I would resent my child for the things I gave up. This is an important question because I recognize I am a selfish person who does enjoy my current lifestyle, but at the same time, can't see myself living this lifestyle forever. Am I willing to give it up? The hubby lives/ works 70 miles away, what would we have to give up to have a child? These questions are running thru my head.
I know some of you find this humorous, since last year I had a medical decision to make that would affect my options for motherhood. I hesitated and made a decision that was the middle road and my hubby made a decision to not act on anything. I've been in turmoil over what to do. Now, I'm utterly confused.
I can't come up with a reason to have children except maybe I'd regret it later. I can list the numerous reasons to not have children. But I can't forget a few years ago when the doc had informed me I was pregnant. For two weeks, the hubby and I went thru all the emotions of thinking we were expectant parents. I also recall the crushing blow when we found out it wasn't true.
So for those who have decided not to have children, do you mind sharing if you regret this decision. For those who have children, how do you feel. Feel free to email me or comment below with your thoughts.
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A Writer's Blog with lots of fun thrown in.
About Me
- Melissa
- Genealogy Librarian who spends her free time as a struggling writer.
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7 comments:
What an interesting and complex decision! I have always planned on having kids, but its only been very recently that I've been downright excited to have them and not felt burdened by the things I'd have to give up. Can't wait to see what responses you get.
First off: our situations are not exactly the same. I have loved kids for as long as I can remember. I set up my first job babysitting on the very birthday when I became old enough to do it. All my mothering skilz (or lack thereof) aside, I have "Mama" coming out my pores. I wish for a third I promised not to have. I didn't know before I had those 2 darling daughters exactly how much they would positively affect my life-- as a couple and as an individual-- which leads me to want to add just a little more love to the family before I can't anymore. Those are the differences.
Here are the similarities: I love my job as a librarian. Love it, love it, love it. I think anybody who takes a community service job like librarianship knows they won't ever make a ton of money, so we do it for the love of the craft.
When Ian and I made the decision that I'd leave Georgetown to care for our kids, leaving me working part-time-on-call as librarian, we knew it would change a lot of things. I'd miss my work, and we'd miss my paycheck. But we haven't regretted the decision. Not once. We may laugh about eating beans or not having our own cell phones or taking an exciting vacation, but we are really fine with that.
I still feel fulfilled as a woman and as a professional as I burn the home fires. I'm also active in other areas of community leadership I never would have had time for as a professional.
I'll go back to being a librarian full-time someday. I keep my skills and my LEUs as current as I can. If we hadn't had kids, we both would still be happy librarians-- happy with each other and our careers as well. But having rewritten that history with daughters, we couldn't imagine going back.
Everybody is different, so your miles will probably vary. But as librarian/mama, I wanted to tell you that I am financially poorer but emotionally richer.
Wow. I have lots to say regarding this. I am having the similar complex problem but I am in a different situation than you. For the fact that I have two kids. I love them dearly! I have never lived the lifestyle you have so I dont know what you would feel having to give it up. I would never wish for anything to be different in my life. call me there is more I want to say regarding this.
Love ya
lil sis
So far some of the responses I've received...
- ...the kid is ultimately the one who has to live in this world long after you're gone...what kind of parent would I make? Will my nervousness and anxiety carry over to my child? ...
- Please tell me you're not thinking of having a baby?
- I hadn't thought of having kids, then I went to my in-laws for a weekend. It was like a switch had been flipped and I told my husband I wanted children. I don't care for other people's kids, but I love mine and have no regrets.
- I'd lay down my life for my children.
I love my one child, I'd do anything for her. However, before I had her I wanted 4 children. The problem I had was even though my husband was there, I was the number one care giver/raiser, go to everything parent. I also became very nervous when she became ill, in fact when she was going through her mucous in the nose stage, I was a nervous wreck. Before I had my one child, I didn't really know what type of person I was and basically I'm a person that worries constantly and on top of that I'm rather selfish...nothing wrong with that, we all are in a way.
I also think that the older you get, the more nerves you have for a child to get on...that means you might be a tad bit grumpy. And, how old will you be when your child is 20? Also, when you see those cute babies belonging to other people, remember you get to go home.
I have never regretted having a child, but if I never had one I would still be a complete person.
Girl, I can't believe we are gonna have to have this conversation again. Just kidding, you know I love you and I know that this is an extremely difficult decision for you. I dont have kids, but I have always wanted them. Not sure if I will ever have them and that depresses the hell outta me. I don't want you to be in the same boat if you have the desire, but I am not sure that you actually want kids, or if you just fear you will regret not having them. You are a wonderful person and I know that you would make a great mom should you so choose, however, I think that you will have a wonderful, fulfilling life without kids, should you choose not to have any. I'm probably not helping, so I will stop here.
--Michelle
I always postponed having children, David was ready the minute we said I do. I have always said I'd have one and left it at that. I'm an only child and had no clue what type of mother I'd be,not having any experience with children and not particularly liking other people's children or feeling any mommy yearnings. Since having my son, I can't imagine not having him, he is just so amazing. He is truly a blessing and he was planned, however, having said that, pregnancy was extremly scary thinking what kind of mom will I be and all sorts of other questions. All I can say is, that I definitely wasn't a natural mother, motherhood so far has been tough, but it is incredibly worth it. I look at Christopher and just love him to pieces and now can definitely picture myself having another child.
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