People Surprise You

Becky and I had an extremely emotional conversation today. It was a long time coming, shockingly cathartic, and filled with more startling revelations. I couldn't believe something she revealed concerning what I have felt has been a break in our friendship. Don't get me wrong, we've remained friends but we (Becky, Erin, and I) disagreed over something very important to me so the topic has been off-limits until today. It's amazing what a difference one word can make and in this situation, it really was one word that healed the wound. Of course, now I'll have to repeat this same conversation with Erin but if it ends with the same promise of love and friendship, then I can do it.

And to clarify something I've said recently to some people that Becky called me on. I am not giving up. The future is wide open. I just now have a higher standard to reach, one that I've had to admit may not be attainable, but I'm not giving up the hope of someday. I just refuse to ever settle, even if I fail to reach the higher standard, settling is not the answer either.

I'm glad we've managed to get over this issue because the next few days will be rough and my gals will get me through. My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride this week with some extreme highs and lows but I know I'm making the right decisions so I'll stay on course.

I received back-to-back emails tonight that triggered some strong emotions then I returned home to a difficult task that needed to be done. Tomorrow is an appointment with someone who will make a critical financial decision for me, then allergy shot, and work. It's a long day after such an emotionally draining one. But there is a reprieve. The gals and I may checkout a new band this weekend which I may desperately need once I get through these next few days.

Once again, thanks to my loved ones who have been so amazingly wonderful and supportive. And for my utterly confused friends, I just keep asking for your patience.

If ...

My view on life is: I have survived the worst which means that though there are rough roads ahead, I know that in the end, I will persevere. Some people might say that I am asking for trouble by making that statement but I know the truth of it. I will never experience that complete loss of faith in myself and everyone around me again.


This blog was never meant as a diary, but it is one of sorts. The past few days, I have read through my posts with a more critical eye, aware of the numerous secrets hidden behind certain words. The most difficult and beautiful posts and comments were from my two year struggle with the motherhood decision, my worsening condition, the treatments, surgeries, the lengthy recovery, and the aftermath. I am once again amazed at the love and support I had during that difficult time. The people who essentially helped me survive that ordeal are the same wonderful loved ones in my life today.

I promise to be forthcoming about what is going on in my head, but for the moment this gal is feeling very fortunate. Words of wisdom that someone I love dearly and someone else that I highly respect both shared with me during a confusing time in my life.

If by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Crazy Talk

Honestly I do not want to discuss the details but life has definitely thrown me some doozies lately. I woke yesterday feeling a blue mood so to get myself going I cranked up the Foo Fighters Radio on Pandora. Before long I was bopping around but couldn't ignore the cloud that remained over my head.

I was dreading my appointment with the therapist. The past two weeks, my friends have surprised me with their insight and compassion so I shouldn't have been worried about this appointment but I've always struggled with being my biggest critic. I know my faults, I know the things in my life I can never change, and I also know that all the people who have told me over the years that I am cold and heartless are somewhat right.

Apparently I had a lot to discuss because it became a two hour session. I'm glad because in the end, I walked away with a new perspective. As I write this, I can hear Michelle saying, I told you this all along. I have survived so much in my life. The therapist even remarked that when I described the circumstances from my past, my health, my feelings about never being a mother, and life in general, that I refuse to see myself as a victim and seem to always take the survivor's standpoint. She explained this was why I always confront situations rather than wait for someone else to determine the outcome and why I can easily cut-off people who accidentally and intentionally hurt me.

Apparently, I am a very well-adjusted person who tries to be honest with herself, understands herself, and is realistic, but also is very empathetic, passionate, warm, and loving. She really wants me to focus on those last four. Things that I have viewed as broken within my psyche, she thinks are me being realistic of my limits and that there is nothing wrong with me making adjustments in order to handle these limits.

Sorry Mich, but she agreed with me about my futuristic view. Because I am fully aware of my limits, I have reached them. She was impressed when I described the four people in my life who are my support network and what each brings to my life. The love and acceptance I have found with these four has formed a cohesive healthy network in my life that compensates for the things I can't handle outside the bounds of friendship. With that network in place along with my circle of friends and my acceptance of my future, she believes I am being brutally honest with myself and in the end, it is best for me to have that realistic view of my future. It is me knowing my shortcomings and learning to accept them. Maybe someday that will change but not now.

For those of you reading this and scratching your heads, I promise to explain at some point in the future but not yet. Just know that the therapist doesn't think I'm crazy which is always a good thing. And that I am forever grateful for all of you being my friends.

Things are Changing

The past few weeks have been seriously intense and crazy with some personal things as well as a career opportunity. I will share details once I acclimate to everything going on around me. Last week was one for the memory books, including several shocking revelations from people close to me, but that had some other competition for my attention. Apparently, my life and body is about to undergo some interesting changes.

My baseline for the allergy shots has been established, but my mind sort of shutdown when the nurse brought out the EpiPen. I had not really given it much thought that the allergens that harm my body are being injected directly into me and may cause something more than sneezing and coughing. Apparently there is a small chance I could go into anaphylactic shock following these injections. The nurse had to train me on how to jab the needle into my thigh to administer epinephrine should I have one of these episodes. Me and needles are not friends, hence the lack of piercings and tattoos but who knows maybe that will change.

This may sound conceited, but I like my body as it is. Of course, I wish my shape was not such a dramatic pear shape but I love my curves and have been pleased with my cleavage, especially after years of being a scrawny tomboy. All of that may change soon. The doc prescribed me something to adjust my hormone levels again and informed me that the "boys will like the results." What? Apparently, this new med may cause a noticeable increase in breast size. Some women may be okay with this but honestly, that's an area of my body that I really don't want to change. So if you hear rumors that I had a boob job, just nod and agree.

Blink and You'll Miss It

I was interviewed as part of a story on tourist attractions in Indiana. No, I'm not the tourist attraction, but my place of employment is a nationally recognized research destination. The reporter was phenomenal and had me relaxed before the camera began to roll. I am so conscious of the camera that I can never forget I'm being recorded. My fifteen minute interview was edited into a one sentence video clip, but I'm sure that had something to do with limited time allowed.

If the video doesn't play, try the following link.

Do-Overs

Someone recently commented that they wished for a do-over. They aren't happy with their life and suffered from many regrets and would like a chance to make different decisions. I have a hard time with this thought process. If I had the chance to alter my life, I would probably still make the same decisions leading to the same outcome. Every time I'm faced with a decision, I weigh all my options and take the course that makes the most sense based on everything I know at that time. The problem with do-overs is the fact that you would have the same knowledge of the circumstances, hence what would cause you to choose the other option?

This is part of the reason I rarely regret my decisions. Every one has been made and has been the best course for that moment of time. True, it can take only a couple of seconds to realize your mistake but at that point, it is too late. Hubby struggles with this concept because he chronically suffers from "buyer's remorse" with everything in his life. He has regularly argued that I have to regret my relationship with my ex. And I know many people would think that this is one of my greatest regrets, but honestly, the relationship is not.

If I had not had that relationship, I would have never (1) appreciate those in my life, (2) have this amazing career, (3) met those who are so very important in my life, (4) understand myself, and (5) became a better person. Because of everything I went through, I have developed into the person I want to be. I created the person I am. I used to live the DRAMA! lifestyle of my siblings. If not for becoming this stronger person, I would still act like my sister. If I hadn't seen the damage a temper can cause, I would never have learned to control my own. If I hadn't reached rock bottom, I would never have learned the meaning of true love. If not for losing myself, I would never have realized my worth. If I hadn't experienced the pain, I would never have learned I could survive almost anything. I wish I never had to suffer through those years but at the time, I didn't know any better and would have lost out on so much if my life had taken a different path.

This is not to say I do not live without regrets because I anguish over those things that harm other people or the rare times when I did have all the data and could have truly taken the other path.


- I regret the time I have lost with my mom. Due to me wanting to hide the truth from my mom and then our years of disagreement about the best way to handle my siblings' circumstances, mom and I have lost years that can never be returned to us.

- I regret ending my friendship with August. He was my best friend from the age of thirteen to twenty-three. He took me to my first formal, visited me for hours when I was home-bound, played the role of boyfriend when required, tried to protect me, and loved me enough to ask my family about me for years after I had ended the friendship. Though I'm not to blame for the ending of his friendship with Brogan, I feel a little responsible because if I had stood up to the situation, August's wife, Christy, wouldn't had found a way to end his closest friendships.

- I regret turning down Brogan's offer. Sigh! Brogan, my lust buddy, who August introduced me to when we were sixteen. We failed when dating but how can you resist remaining friends with a model/ bartender who oozed sex from his every pore. When my first wedding was cancelled, Brogan listened to my tale of woe and made me an offer. It was an offer of escape, a way to finally leave my ex, a boost to my ego, and an offer to have someone who cared about me to save me.

- I regret my handling of Stephen's proposal. Stephen was a great guy and we had so much in common. After a whirlwind romance, our relationship was on the fast-track, but moved a little too fast for me. So I was quite shocked when he proposed. Instead of providing an honest response, I asked for more time, and essentially, ran away. Stephen returned to the Navy, who kept personnel files on fiche so years later, he became a regular user of the library's microfiche machines. I apologized, but it was justifiably not well received.

- I regret not telling John how much he meant to me. The love of my life and the man who helped me rebuild myself never knew that I lived everyday grateful for his friendship. He took me under his wing for no other reason except a distaste of seeing someone being humiliated. So much of who I am was formed by his influence in my life. He had pulled me back from the edge so many times, but I let him fall. I couldn't deal with the path he had chosen so I took a step back. Maybe if he knew how his words had saved me so many times, if he knew that someone recognized his worth, or if he knew that the pain could be handled differently, he wouldn't have continued down his path of destruction.

As you can see, I try not to live with too many regrets, though I carry some heavy burdens. I try to find the positive in all of life's experiences. And I recognize that choices need to be made and we can only use the factors at hand at the time so there is no worth in second-guessing ourselves.

Memories Playlist

The final playlist that I'll share is my Memories Playlist. These are the songs or artists that remind me of people, places, or experiences.

Let's admit the bad before we move on to the good. I like Radiohead but it is sheer pain for me to listen to most of their songs. My ex played a lot of Radiohead when drinking so this band crafted the soundtrack to most of my traumatic events. The haunting tones of Karma Police can still trigger night terrors. I used to love listening to Creep and have managed to not flee when it's played and have even sang along, but it still invokes bad memories.

I know memories related to a song can change based on the strength of the invoked emotions. What is Love by Haddaway used to remind me of the day Miles and Jimmy helped me create Homecoming Queen posters and pins. Because the song was playing during an amazing moment in one of my friendships, the related memory has now forever been altered.

Is it any shock that Sweet Home Alabama always reminds me of my southern gal, Mich? It's been her ringtone since we first met. Jimmy Buffet used to bring back some unpleasant memories, but now anytime I hear one of his songs, I think of Mich, who is a major fan. The entire soundtrack from Disney's Beauty & the Beast brings back memories of the time Mich and I seriously annoyed one of our pals on my 31st birthday. Bobby Brown's My Prerogative will forever remind me of our first trip to Chicago and dancing with the guy who had a whole routine, including removing his button-down shirt.

Every time I hear Journey or Bob Seger, I'm reminded of Kris. And thanks to one of his comments, I can't listen to Don't Stop Believin' without thinking, there is no South Detroit. Thanks a lot! Also, I'm not a fan of Cheap Trick's I Want You to Want Me, but I smile when I hear it being played. Violent Femme's Blister in the Sun reminds me of our dueling piano bar adventures.

Becky is solely responsible for my acceptance of hip-hop, so I envision our many nights dancing because I know she'll never abandon me on the floor. Depeche Mode's Enjoy the Silence and a certain very sexy dance routine are responsible for Becky and I having pizza and TV night for several post-Lost years. And The Outfield's Your Love will forever invoke memories of Shane's sigh-worthy performance of this song and our reactions.

Erin is my dancing queen. I will never forget her moves as the sole person on the dance floor the first time we ventured to a dance club. What makes the memory better is Erin was pregnant at the time. Erin is my gal who recalls the grand days of alternative/ska/rock but will dance to almost anything. Down by 311 and Santaria by Sublime brings to mind the first time I realized our mutual musical interests. 

Godsmack should be my rebel band. Years ago at Guavaween (think a slightly milder version of Mardis Gras), Naughty Mel had a completely crazy night of debauchary which I will not fully chronicle here. It began as one of the worst blind dates, with the guy getting high before we ever left my friend's apartment, but became one of my most memorable. I experienced my first mosh pit while watching Godsmack perform, enjoyed a cage and the revolving floor, and ended the evening with the hot bartender's number after dancing at the second floor interior railing at the Green Iguana.

And there are so many more, but basically music captures moments in my life. Anyone have any stories to share?