A Lesson in Seduction

GNO

Warning: This one might be shocking!

My how things have changed in the past decade. Not that I'm dating as of yet, but after some things that have caught my attention the past few weeks, I may consider never dating.

I am definitely not the definition of a prude but the world seems to have dramatically changed in what is acceptable public behavior. I will be perfectly honest here. In the past, I have been asked to participate in sexual activities such as bondage, public sex, toys, pics, videos, voyeurism both ways, a variety of threesomes (F/F/M, M/F/M, M/M/F), and much more but that's nothing in comparison to the education I have received recently. It's made me rethink ever vocalizing things I find appealing, such as the following samples.

A man who knows what he wants is attractive. Maybe? A friend was reading details off of a guy's online profile and I didn't know something he mentioned as a sexual preference. Holy shit! I shouldn't have asked. Another one used some interesting terms to describe his S&M lifestyle. 

I have always found a man who can be upfront and honest about his desires sexy. Unless ... Within the first few minutes of a coffee date, a woman should not be asked if she'll ... in polite terms, perform a proctol massage. Thanks for sharing that story, I'm seriously rethinking coffee dates as a safe venue.

I want a man to grab me passionately and take control. Huh! Or so the fantasy went. Definitely not when we've never spoken to each other or upon first acquaintance. This resulted in me shoving a guy and slamming my arms out to block him.

Courtesy of TOA page

Then there was our GNO to see TOA this weekend. Before I get started I chose this pic because it featured Shane and Troy, two of my favorite gals favorite guys. I won't say anything else except the bad boy and sweetheart, gals! Most of my "men behaving badly" posts have been due to someone misbehaving at one of their performances. 

Now I know, I've danced provacotively in cages, on catwalks and bartops, rotating dance floors, and have no issue with some sexual stimulation on the dance floor. What I don't understand is the simulated sex acts and quite often with multiple partners. How is this sexy?

And here's the real lesson after the things I witnessed this weekend ... if all the guy is capable of doing is thrusting on the dance floor, then run away gals! Because that is all he'll know how to do in the bedroom or wherever. Dancing should be seductive, an opportunity for teasing touches, illicit brushing of bodies, which can lead to more or nothing. But what currently passes for temptation makes me want to laugh. Seriously, if that's all you have to offer, I can get thrusting from well ... anywhere. They sell toys for that, you know!

All I can say is it's a real jungle out there, fascinating and terrifying at the same time. 

[Please keep in mind that this is a commentary. I can see someone misinterpreting what I've written.]

Singles Scene

For years, I've listened to my single gals as they've described the singles scene. These ladies are truly brave because honestly, it's a bit scary out there. It was scary more than a decade ago and based on things I or my gals have encountered, there are still plenty of weirdos and assholes in this world.

So let's discuss the awkward argument I had with ... what do I call him. My ex has always been PC but as I was reminded this week in glorious fashion, I will soon have two exes. While closing on the house, I was presented with two sheets listing my legal aliases. Several people have told me this doesn't matter but it feels weird. Thanks Kay for your encouragement that third times the charm.

So back to the argument with JS over telling his brother, who is friends with me on Facebook. I really didn't want JS's brother finding out on fb. In the course of this argument, JS asked if I was planning to change my relationship status to "it's complicated," in which I firmly responded, my status is "single." In retelling this story, Becky caught onto a certain detail. 3.5 years ago, I demanded JS pay attention to my life for a week; i.e. my fb status, blog, emails, and voicemails. I knew he wouldn't and to prove my point, I removed my fb relationship status which caused a flurry of concerned messages, but none from him.

This weekend I received a sweet deal on a new Nexus from Verizon and my sales guy, VS, hooked me up. I thought nothing of him coming in on his day off to set-up my account and equipment or when he changed his contact info in my phone. He's my sales guy who helped me separate my contracts from JS the day before.

Well, I've apparently been out of the game way too long because Mich informs me that VS was trying to "get ahead of the curve." I honestly believed there was no way this guy was hitting on me the day after I had been in the store with JS. He was just being nice ... until he asked me to have a drink with him.

Wow! So many other situations make much more sense with this new concept in place. I turned him down, just as I plan to say no to the cute eye doc if the drink conversation comes up again during my follow-up.

These men might be ready but my mind is in a different place at the moment. I'm not mourning, not being respectful, or not ready yet because of JS. That has nothing to do with what's going on on my head. I'm flattered by the offers but at the moment, I'm happy with my relationships as they are.

Favorite Color

More than a dresser

My sister sent me this pic of my former dresser that has finally fallen apart. She doesn't realize that her timing is impeccable because it was an excellent reminder of who I used to be. This dresser has great significance in my life. While my ex was at work one day, I packed my bags and disappeared. It was one of the bravest things I ever did. I left all the furnishings and moved into my sister's new place. A friend allowed me to take furniture from her grandmother's storage unit so I would at least have a bed and dresser, which eventually became N's.

Sometimes people think they understand when I describe rebuilding myself. Some think I changed certain habits, while others think I just reevaluated the course of my life. I've been told several times that you can't change who you are or at least not at the core. Well, I did!

This all came about one day when the guy I was dating asked my opinion concerning home decor. I was completely incapable of answering. The conversation progressed from there, in which it was a rude awakening to discover I could not comfortably form an opinion. There is so much more to this story but suffice to say, this was the critical moment that lead to me finally getting therapy.

Part of the therapy included deciding who I wanted to be, what interests appealed, learning to not be overwhelmed by my options, and becoming confident in my decisions. My first assignment was to decide what color I wanted to paint this dresser which was originally an atrocious yellow color. You can not imagine the hours I spent staring at paint samples or the chilling fear of asking for instructions on how to properly complete this project.

This dresser was the first step in creating the new Melissa. Not only did I strip and sand the paint off the wood, prime it, then paint it the colors I selected, I even bought stenciling supplies and painted purple ivy along the sides. For those from our craft group, you know my comfort level with this, i.e. none. Back then, I completely lacked confidence so it was sheer torture and yet I did it.

My current purple bathroom

This pic was a nice reminder of how my life has evolved. I was nervous about going back to my maiden name because MS is a confident woman while MT struggled so much to discover her identity, but I've realized that's okay. 17 yr old MT liked purple, 21 yr old MC had no clue, and 23 yr old MT decided lilac was her favorite color, in which 35 yr old MS agreed, as evidenced by my insistence on decorating my bathroom, my way.

Though my favorite color may not have changed, the person making the decision has. I have evolved into a different person because there was a point in my life when I lacked the confidence to tell someone what color appealed, much less any other opinion. I truly believed myself incapable of handling anything, though my actions proved me thoroughly capable. I was afraid to ask for guidance, to accomplish anything, or have an opinion because I believed it would validate my own stupidity. Anyone who knows me now would have a hard time believing any of this because that woman does not exist anymore and hasn't for a long time. Though this old dresser has seen its last day, the next phase of my, Melissa T's, life is just beginning.

Another Round of Shock Treatment

Prepare yourselves for a rambling post relating to odd but pleasantly shocking behavior.

One of our most curmudgeonly patrons informed me today that "you look different, you look really nice, which is an improvement." Considering his typical comments, this really was an extremely nice compliment.

I have always thought Sarai was insightful and notices details that others overlook, so I was not shocked when she contacted me this weekend with an extremely personal question. What did shock me were her views on the situation. Sarai perfectly described my situation and has apparently seen the truth of it for a while. Truly, I am impressed!

If you've ever questioned who among your colleagues would be willing to stab you, I actually know the answer. First off, thanks to both Kay S. and Becky who went above and beyond when I had a reaction to the allergy shot. You know I hate asking for help and feeling that vulnerable, but you both put me at ease. Because of the reaction, I had to send an email to my colleagues letting them know where I keep my EpiPen in case I went into shock. Though it was an informational email, the one colleague who never responds said, "No problem. Glad to help."

Miss Red Scarf and I saw Elky Summers perform this weekend. Elky is a good band for me at the moment. Angsty girl band performing songs about impotence, lost loves, death, and craziness seem fitting. And Miss Red Scarf, I listened to "Who's Driving Baby" this morning and have decided I really do like how the song teases with a slow build-up before crashing into the heavy beat, plus Kay G. sounds sultry when drawing out some of the lyrics. Just saying! Which is fitting considering that I felt the need to remark that she looked gorgeous the other night. Her secret: snuggling with the man she loves. I think my brain glitched for a moment when she said it. Wild rocker gal discussing snuggling, in detail! Thankfully, the band's new song maintains a grungy sound, so everything is okay with the world as long as there are no love ballads in the future.

And speaking of hitting on women. A mark of a true friend is knowing that an incident is about to spark a rumor so you willingly step into the breach. If anyone hears about me and the other woman. Yes, she's real and a wonderful friend.

People Surprise You

Becky and I had an extremely emotional conversation today. It was a long time coming, shockingly cathartic, and filled with more startling revelations. I couldn't believe something she revealed concerning what I have felt has been a break in our friendship. Don't get me wrong, we've remained friends but we (Becky, Erin, and I) disagreed over something very important to me so the topic has been off-limits until today. It's amazing what a difference one word can make and in this situation, it really was one word that healed the wound. Of course, now I'll have to repeat this same conversation with Erin but if it ends with the same promise of love and friendship, then I can do it.

And to clarify something I've said recently to some people that Becky called me on. I am not giving up. The future is wide open. I just now have a higher standard to reach, one that I've had to admit may not be attainable, but I'm not giving up the hope of someday. I just refuse to ever settle, even if I fail to reach the higher standard, settling is not the answer either.

I'm glad we've managed to get over this issue because the next few days will be rough and my gals will get me through. My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride this week with some extreme highs and lows but I know I'm making the right decisions so I'll stay on course.

I received back-to-back emails tonight that triggered some strong emotions then I returned home to a difficult task that needed to be done. Tomorrow is an appointment with someone who will make a critical financial decision for me, then allergy shot, and work. It's a long day after such an emotionally draining one. But there is a reprieve. The gals and I may checkout a new band this weekend which I may desperately need once I get through these next few days.

Once again, thanks to my loved ones who have been so amazingly wonderful and supportive. And for my utterly confused friends, I just keep asking for your patience.

Crazy Talk

Honestly I do not want to discuss the details but life has definitely thrown me some doozies lately. I woke yesterday feeling a blue mood so to get myself going I cranked up the Foo Fighters Radio on Pandora. Before long I was bopping around but couldn't ignore the cloud that remained over my head.

I was dreading my appointment with the therapist. The past two weeks, my friends have surprised me with their insight and compassion so I shouldn't have been worried about this appointment but I've always struggled with being my biggest critic. I know my faults, I know the things in my life I can never change, and I also know that all the people who have told me over the years that I am cold and heartless are somewhat right.

Apparently I had a lot to discuss because it became a two hour session. I'm glad because in the end, I walked away with a new perspective. As I write this, I can hear Michelle saying, I told you this all along. I have survived so much in my life. The therapist even remarked that when I described the circumstances from my past, my health, my feelings about never being a mother, and life in general, that I refuse to see myself as a victim and seem to always take the survivor's standpoint. She explained this was why I always confront situations rather than wait for someone else to determine the outcome and why I can easily cut-off people who accidentally and intentionally hurt me.

Apparently, I am a very well-adjusted person who tries to be honest with herself, understands herself, and is realistic, but also is very empathetic, passionate, warm, and loving. She really wants me to focus on those last four. Things that I have viewed as broken within my psyche, she thinks are me being realistic of my limits and that there is nothing wrong with me making adjustments in order to handle these limits.

Sorry Mich, but she agreed with me about my futuristic view. Because I am fully aware of my limits, I have reached them. She was impressed when I described the four people in my life who are my support network and what each brings to my life. The love and acceptance I have found with these four has formed a cohesive healthy network in my life that compensates for the things I can't handle outside the bounds of friendship. With that network in place along with my circle of friends and my acceptance of my future, she believes I am being brutally honest with myself and in the end, it is best for me to have that realistic view of my future. It is me knowing my shortcomings and learning to accept them. Maybe someday that will change but not now.

For those of you reading this and scratching your heads, I promise to explain at some point in the future but not yet. Just know that the therapist doesn't think I'm crazy which is always a good thing. And that I am forever grateful for all of you being my friends.

Things are Changing

The past few weeks have been seriously intense and crazy with some personal things as well as a career opportunity. I will share details once I acclimate to everything going on around me. Last week was one for the memory books, including several shocking revelations from people close to me, but that had some other competition for my attention. Apparently, my life and body is about to undergo some interesting changes.

My baseline for the allergy shots has been established, but my mind sort of shutdown when the nurse brought out the EpiPen. I had not really given it much thought that the allergens that harm my body are being injected directly into me and may cause something more than sneezing and coughing. Apparently there is a small chance I could go into anaphylactic shock following these injections. The nurse had to train me on how to jab the needle into my thigh to administer epinephrine should I have one of these episodes. Me and needles are not friends, hence the lack of piercings and tattoos but who knows maybe that will change.

This may sound conceited, but I like my body as it is. Of course, I wish my shape was not such a dramatic pear shape but I love my curves and have been pleased with my cleavage, especially after years of being a scrawny tomboy. All of that may change soon. The doc prescribed me something to adjust my hormone levels again and informed me that the "boys will like the results." What? Apparently, this new med may cause a noticeable increase in breast size. Some women may be okay with this but honestly, that's an area of my body that I really don't want to change. So if you hear rumors that I had a boob job, just nod and agree.

Do-Overs

Someone recently commented that they wished for a do-over. They aren't happy with their life and suffered from many regrets and would like a chance to make different decisions. I have a hard time with this thought process. If I had the chance to alter my life, I would probably still make the same decisions leading to the same outcome. Every time I'm faced with a decision, I weigh all my options and take the course that makes the most sense based on everything I know at that time. The problem with do-overs is the fact that you would have the same knowledge of the circumstances, hence what would cause you to choose the other option?

This is part of the reason I rarely regret my decisions. Every one has been made and has been the best course for that moment of time. True, it can take only a couple of seconds to realize your mistake but at that point, it is too late. Hubby struggles with this concept because he chronically suffers from "buyer's remorse" with everything in his life. He has regularly argued that I have to regret my relationship with my ex. And I know many people would think that this is one of my greatest regrets, but honestly, the relationship is not.

If I had not had that relationship, I would have never (1) appreciate those in my life, (2) have this amazing career, (3) met those who are so very important in my life, (4) understand myself, and (5) became a better person. Because of everything I went through, I have developed into the person I want to be. I created the person I am. I used to live the DRAMA! lifestyle of my siblings. If not for becoming this stronger person, I would still act like my sister. If I hadn't seen the damage a temper can cause, I would never have learned to control my own. If I hadn't reached rock bottom, I would never have learned the meaning of true love. If not for losing myself, I would never have realized my worth. If I hadn't experienced the pain, I would never have learned I could survive almost anything. I wish I never had to suffer through those years but at the time, I didn't know any better and would have lost out on so much if my life had taken a different path.

This is not to say I do not live without regrets because I anguish over those things that harm other people or the rare times when I did have all the data and could have truly taken the other path.


- I regret the time I have lost with my mom. Due to me wanting to hide the truth from my mom and then our years of disagreement about the best way to handle my siblings' circumstances, mom and I have lost years that can never be returned to us.

- I regret ending my friendship with August. He was my best friend from the age of thirteen to twenty-three. He took me to my first formal, visited me for hours when I was home-bound, played the role of boyfriend when required, tried to protect me, and loved me enough to ask my family about me for years after I had ended the friendship. Though I'm not to blame for the ending of his friendship with Brogan, I feel a little responsible because if I had stood up to the situation, August's wife, Christy, wouldn't had found a way to end his closest friendships.

- I regret turning down Brogan's offer. Sigh! Brogan, my lust buddy, who August introduced me to when we were sixteen. We failed when dating but how can you resist remaining friends with a model/ bartender who oozed sex from his every pore. When my first wedding was cancelled, Brogan listened to my tale of woe and made me an offer. It was an offer of escape, a way to finally leave my ex, a boost to my ego, and an offer to have someone who cared about me to save me.

- I regret my handling of Stephen's proposal. Stephen was a great guy and we had so much in common. After a whirlwind romance, our relationship was on the fast-track, but moved a little too fast for me. So I was quite shocked when he proposed. Instead of providing an honest response, I asked for more time, and essentially, ran away. Stephen returned to the Navy, who kept personnel files on fiche so years later, he became a regular user of the library's microfiche machines. I apologized, but it was justifiably not well received.

- I regret not telling John how much he meant to me. The love of my life and the man who helped me rebuild myself never knew that I lived everyday grateful for his friendship. He took me under his wing for no other reason except a distaste of seeing someone being humiliated. So much of who I am was formed by his influence in my life. He had pulled me back from the edge so many times, but I let him fall. I couldn't deal with the path he had chosen so I took a step back. Maybe if he knew how his words had saved me so many times, if he knew that someone recognized his worth, or if he knew that the pain could be handled differently, he wouldn't have continued down his path of destruction.

As you can see, I try not to live with too many regrets, though I carry some heavy burdens. I try to find the positive in all of life's experiences. And I recognize that choices need to be made and we can only use the factors at hand at the time so there is no worth in second-guessing ourselves.

My Intimate Partner

My favorite pic of us (note our hands)

Intimacy is a very important component in each of our lives yet many people focus too much on the physical and refuse to acknowledge the emotional. I think because the two are linked in people's heads, most equate them as the same thing, yet they are dramatically different and should be acknowledged as such. I admit to having issues with physical touch. For many years, I would flinch or react instinctively when someone touched me unexpectedly. I know this is startling when you consider that I am now a touchy-feely type of person, yet there are moments when I still cringe inside while at other times, I yearn to be held more. I will never feel comfortable with PDA, but find myself frequently reaching out for the reassurance that can only be found when in the presence of someone I care for and trust. Though this is physical, part of it is emotional.

I admit to having an adventurous past, yet the two people who have the most intimate knowledge of me have never been my lovers. I won't embarrass the one person, but they are fully aware of their uniqueness in my life. The other person is the great love of my life, John. I've been thinking a lot about him recently, especially as I've been viewing my life through his perspective. He always had demanding yet deep thoughts on friendships. John and I had a powerful friendship, one that reverberates through my life and will forever. This is the intimacy I'm discussing. Not that he knew all my secrets, far from it, but he knew my soul. He was passionate in his love of me and brutal in his criticisms. He taught me not to pull my punches with those I loved because it had to always be honest and pure.

So I believe intimacy can be more than just sex. It can be more powerful and instrumental in a person's life. For myself, I wouldn't be remotely close to the person I have become if not for John's influence in my life. He made me a better person while teaching me the importance of acceptance. If not for him, I wouldn't have realized my worth, discovered someone could love me, or found a way to heal. I truly believe this because I am fully aware of the circumstances at that time and can honestly say, I'm not sure anyone else could have gotten through to me. He opened the door for me to choose this life I have. Every friend and love I've had since is thanks to John.
In the past few months, I've realized that some of my more permanent scars are beginning to heal. This is greatly influenced by some of John's more poignant life lessons and I wish he was here for me to share. I wish he knew that because of what he taught me, I've opened myself up to some people who have helped me achieve an acceptance of myself and them which has allowed me to feel safe enough to heal.

Perfectly captured moment

I have few regrets in life but one of them is living everyday with the knowledge that John died without knowing how I felt. This is why I regularly tell my friends and loved ones how much they mean to me. Because John died at a time when we weren't speaking to each other, when I believed I had more time. John didn't know that he would be a presence in all my relationships because he set the standard for them all. How can one forget the man who taught you to accept touch, to accept love, to say those words, to trust? The only person to know the true depths of your despair and the raw pain of living? The person who not only pulled you from the brink but leaned over the ledge to hold onto you for as long as it took and promised to never let go? I wish he had known the depth of my love for him; my continued amazement at his saving me, mind, body, and soul; that I cherish every moment I had with him; and that there are days I still believe I will never discover a love as pure as the one I had with him.

John was one of my most intimate relationships, yet he was never my lover. He was the great love of my life, but that doesn't diminish my relationships with the other amazing people who I have come to love as well. Because without John, these other relationships would never have developed.

Let's Talk About Sex

I apologize to all the men out there who have ever been unfairly accused of being pervs, especially since it was probably based on the theory that men think and talk about sex more than women. This is such a generic statement and has no basis in reality. I can promise that sex is a regular topic of conversation between me and my female friends while it is rare among my male friends. And yes, I know there is the assumption that men discuss the cruder topics more than women, but I would argue against that belief. Considering some of the comments I have heard from women concerning a man's physique and stamina, women can be just as crude. So let's discuss sex! A topic of conversation that has become commonplace recently involves dry spells and I'm curious if men and women view this topic differently.

My gals are probably rolling their eyes because they know my very strong and vocal opinion concerning single people and dry spells. Have a fling! I do not recommend this for someone in a relationship, but for those who are single, go have fun! Find someone in your life who you find attractive, but recognize the person is not a potential long-term possibility. I recommend someone who is quite different from you that way the attraction may remain superficial but you can test yourself by trying new things. If you're not worried about impressing the person, you might be willing to experiment more. Having a fling can boost your ego, help with self-discovery, and push your limits. Imagine someone as type-A as me with a Cuban artist who reveled in the open-anything-goes liberal lifestyle. A person can learn a lot about hidden interests and needs while in a safe environment so why not take advantage? I understand not everyone feels comfortable with the concept of flings, so what would be another recommendation to ending a single person's dry spell besides those toys of ours?

For those who are married, it is a question of timing and frequency, but not all couples have a regular sex life. Sorry to tell those who are single, but marriage does not guarantee an active sex life either. There are many married people who suffer from long dry spells. This is when our friend, the sex toy, once again can be an amazing resource. Obviously couples should address the issues that are preventing them from being intimate, but the reasons may be beyond their control. When aware of these reasons, can the couple live with these circumstances? Each couple is different so the answer varies. But does this mean there is not an emotional connection?

I have a married friend who "schedules" sex just as a person would schedule a date. My friend believes that a couple should have weekly intercourse otherwise there is a loss of connection between the couple. Does that sound accurate to others? How often should a couple expect to have sex? And a better question ... when life gets in the way, how long should a couple wait before forcing the issue and planning an intimate moment? And I know there are some who believe it should come naturally and should never be planned. What do you think?

Any thoughts or responses to this subject? I'm quite vocal about my opinion and would love to hear from other people. And yes, you can comment anonymously if it makes you feel better.

White Lies & Other Tales

Delia made some remarks to me about scenario c in the Boys post that has made me curious. She took exception to the following comment, "Spouses can't be best friends because you tell your best friend everything including complaining about your spouse." Now, Delia believes that spouses should be best friends and this friendship can help them through the more difficult times. I agree with her but where we part ways is that she disagreed that you tell your best friend everything. My mother has a similar belief as she has advised me not to tell my spouse or my friends everything. Mom thinks there is such a thing as too much honesty and that you should keep certain things to yourself.

As someone who has issues with trust, it is a struggle for me to openly discuss personal things. Though there are times when I want to close myself off, I am fortunate in my true friends who I allow in my life but it also means trusting them with certain private aspects as well. I am even further blessed to have four amazing people in my life who are my dearest friends. These are the friends who have been privy to way too many of the details.

Within my friendships, I abhor lies, even white lies and lies of omission. After years of living with someone continuously lying to me and me lying to cover the situation, I would rather have the honest truth, with all its beauty and pain. I have been warned not to confront friends when I'm upset, yet I've regularly ignored the warning and it hasn't always been easy. I'd rather have the truth out there rather than each of us assuming we understand the situation. And then there is the honesty of how deeply you cherish the friendship. The gals and I have spent many birthday celebrations in tears as we gushed about how we couldn't have survived the past year without each other. It is pure and elemental.

Don't get me wrong, I often breeze over certain things when conversing with people instead of directly discussing a situation. There are times when I'm honest in my response, just not willing to part with any real details. The only person who ever calls me on my bullshit is Mich. I can say I'm alright and mean it, but Mich can tell by my tone or other nuances if there is something bothering me and she'll demand to know what it is. Because here's the thing, Mich knows everything there is to know about me.

I'll admit, hubby doesn't know all my secrets, but Mich knows every crazy and brilliant thought that runs through my head. Does she truly know everything? No, but only because it hasn't come up in conversation yet. I have no hesitation in what I say to her (unless it directly affects her, yet I still say it). I couldn't imagine keeping something from her or having any qualms with discussing aspects of my life.

So when Delia made her remark about not telling her best friend everything, I called Mich to ask her opinion. I know it took a number of years for me to open up to Mich and then a few more years for Mich to feel comfortable with revealing certain things to me, but I thought we were both past that point. I know we have delved into some difficult conversations that would have destroyed most friendships because as I've said, she calls me on my bullshit and I return the favor. So I was quite pleased to hear that Mich feels the same as me about telling each other everything.

For me, it stems from a need to be accepted. I have regularly been told that I am too demanding in my friendships. I am also aware that I have a warped view of the world and some people have even remarked that I am broken, cold-hearted, harsh, judgemental, abrasive, and my favorite, crazy. So to find people that I trust and especially to have people in my life who fully accept me, rather than me having to act a certain way around them, grants me the freedom to revel in the relationship and not to feel the need to hold back.

Maybe Mich and I are unique in the fact that we tell each other everything. Maybe I shouldn't be so open with my other best friends. I have been burned in the past by those closest to me so I understand my mother's advice. But how can I not enjoy these close personal friendships when these individuals know me so completely and I needn't worry about explaining myself because they understand the complexities of my personality?

So what is your stance on telling your friends everything? Do you believe in complete honesty or do you believe there is such a thing as being too honest? Do you feel the need to hold back? Why? How would you feel upon discovering your closest friend lied to you? I prefer avoiding that scenario and stick with being too open.

Technology Driven World

Today became an unintentional experiment concerning whether or not I can live without my handheld devices. Now ladies, get your minds out of the gutter. I know a few of us can't live without those other devices, but today, I'm discussing the more tech-driven devices like our phones and tablets. Though that does raise an interesting topic ... do men have similar discussions as women about sex toys? Sorry, erotica will be the topic of the next post.

Anyways, in my complete and utter disordered confusion this morning, I left the house, minus my cell phone and tablet. It was interesting to discover how my day was influenced by the lack of these daily fixtures. To start, I had a last-minute appointment with my ENT at her office in the Lutheran Hospital complex, which I'm not as familiar with as the Parkview North complex. Without my trusted GPS on my phone, I drove back and forth through the complex which is not arranged sequentially by building address. Since this was a last-minute appointment, I had typed in the time on my phone calendar which I did not have with me, but I was positive I was scheduled for 9:30. After getting lost, I was relieved to arrive at 9:25, only to be told by the receptionist that my appointment was for 9:15.

I never carry books anymore since I have reading material downloaded on my tablet. Print books now inhabit my nightstand for nighttime reading rather than residing in my purse. This wasn't so bad in the reception area where I could watch HGTV but once back in the exam room, all I could do was stare at the walls. If you've ever been in an ENT office, you'll know that they have the examination table and the macabre-looking exam chair and an assortment of non-mentionable paraphenelia. After a rather painful exam, the doc and I discussed the game plan and I was on my way. Don't get me wrong, I have a fabulous ENT. She is thorough, listens, and finds solid solutions. I'm just frustrated by some of the stuff she told me. When preparing to leave, I had to ask for a print out of the doc's instructions because I usually note the details on my tablet in case I get forgetful later. The doc requested I schedule a follow-up appointment but I didn't have my calendar with me to see my availability so I'll have to call back.

Typically after I visit the doctor, I text or call Mich. She's the one who regularly gets to hear all the yucky details but was spared this morning. Heading back to work, I realized there was a problem when the speed limit sign read 60mph. Yep, directionally-challenged Mel was going the wrong direction on 24. Arriving back to work for the second time that morning I was exhausted and desperate for a nap, but my phone serves as my alarm. I know I could have asked Kay to discreetly wake me, but some of the volunteers were talking outside my office so I wouldn't have been able to rest very well and it would have been hard to be discreet with an audience.

On my break, instead of checking my phone or tablet for an update on my incoming emails, I checked via the computer which required me logging into my three separate email accounts, then bouncing between them as I'm still transitioning between my accounts. It made me realize how reliant I had become on my devices streamlining my incoming mail. Though I won't deny that it was nice not having my phone buzz every ten minutes with some random message. As I was leaving for the day, I was informed of another major snafu that raised my ire. I reached for my phone with a plan to text a friend about the situation and to email a colleague for clarification, then realized that I would have to wait until I got home.

After work, I rushed to my evening appointment with my torturer, Steve. As I sat in the waiting area, once again I was reminded that I did not have anything with me to read or to occupy my time except to stare at the walls. Some of you know my dirty secret about why I visit Steve, but you may not know that there has been a slight hitch and I have been seeing Steve every week recently. Though he's my torturer and is extremely blunt, he really is a fabulous guy. Besides not charging me for these extra appointments, he was appalled that for once I did not have my calendar. Since I could not remember which night I work next week, Steve asked the receptionist to schedule me in the morning and evening so that I could consult my calendar and cancel one of the appointments. How awesome is this guy! Of course, I didn't have anything to write myself a note to call back about the appointment since I keep all my notes on my tablet.

At the pharmacy, I discovered that there had been an issue with my new inhaler so there would be a twenty minute wait. As you can imagine, I could not stand the thought of sitting at the pharmacy staring at the walls, so I left without my prescription. If I had my phone, I would have posted on facebook about my frustration at them not having my pills and inhaler as well as there being a delay with my second inhaler. I arrived home to more than thirty emails blinking on my phone along with all my calendar reminders, including the 9:15 ENT appointment. I responded to the emails that required immediate attention, while frantically being aware of the evening slipping away.

Quickly, I texted Mich and discovered that her mom had fallen. Mich is giving everyone fair warning about the clumsiness pandemic, in which I was the first victim. As some of you know, I have been in some pain this week from a nasty fall that was caused by sheer clumsiness. Have I mentioned what a rough week it has been between my bruises, allergies, and the severe narco symptoms? 

So it was an interesting day without my devices. I hadn't realized how much I had come to rely on them, much less the back-log of work that builds up when I'm not monitoring them through the day. Another realization was the connection I have with others via these devices. When upset or frustrated, I can simply send a text and receive a quick response that helps me feel better. Talking things through with a friend in a quick call, can be the uplift for the day. And sharing funny commentary can slip by when not readily communicated. An intriguing lesson for the day!

Boys

Warning: This is not a male-bashing post, rather a plea for explanation. For the men in my life, if you're in my life, I think you're a great guy which is why I need some help with understanding these scenarios. I promise I'm not bashing you.

I have documented men behaving badly on this blog a few too many times. When I've asked the males in my life how this behavior is acceptable, I've been told by several people that men think of sex, friendships, relationships, and all around general behaviors differently than women. I have even been told, by a friend who I won't out on this blog, that my dancing and flirty behavior does tell some men that I'm interested though I'm not. But what's truly amazing to me is how some good men make some stupendously bad choices. When Mich and I converse about hubby or my male friends, her almost weekly response is "they're boys and they're dumb!"

So let's share some of these moments that can numb the mind because I would love for someone to explain the behaviors or statements below. Identities have been stripped from these examples so please don't name the individuals in the comments.

- Before a big event, B criticized his wife's outfit. Then commented on another woman's appearance and recommended his wife ask the other woman for advice.

- C informed his wife that she is not his best friend. Spouses can't be best friends because you tell your best friend everything including complaining about your spouse. Also, you can choose your best friends, but you're trapped legally and financially with your spouse.

- D's wife offered to take him to supper after work. D asked his wife to invite her friend that he has a crush on.

- E recommended his wife not wear her wedding ring when she hangs out with friends at a bar. The reason given was E was afraid the ring might get lost.

- F sent his wife on a family trip with the kids, minus him.

Any thoughts on some of these situations? Do men and women view them differently? Each of these situations had a clear explanation from the men involved but none have made sense to us women, so far. So is Mich right? They are boys after all.

Standing Up to Those Ghosts

Living and working in Florida, I was continuously confronted with ghosts from my past. Hubby used to joke about the fact that while we dated, we regularly ran into men I had previously dated or people who generally despised me. Imagine your "first" being the waiter on one of your first dates. Or the guy who filed a discrimination complaint had seats next to you at a grand opening event. This was my life! And with such a drama-filled time span that included grad school, those ghosts made appearances in my professional life as well. My first week on the job at my previous two employers included someone commenting on "the crazy ex-wife" which was the lovely title given to me by Carol Ann, my ex's final betrayal who also happened to be affiliated with the grad school. Years later, my bio was used as the basis for a job description and when asked by the administrator why I would not apply for my "perfect" job, I had to explain that it was impossible for me to work with those on the current staff. I have avoided library association functions my entire career because of my uncomfortableness with being around certain people.

When nominated to the state leadership institute, I knew there was the possibility of some uncomfortable interactions but never did I imagine Jason, my nightmare, lecturing or sitting beside me at luncheons. These situations were handled with a smiling professional demeanor. No one was aware that my hands trembled or that I took long breaks so I could calm myself. A therapist once explained these reactions to me ... if you've been shot, you're afraid to be near a gun. Rationally, you know that you're safe, yet the object causes fear because all the associated emotions crash through your system.

I know there might be some who are scratching their heads, wondering who is this guy. Jason is my nightmare, who I never discuss. Only three people in my life know the full details of my version of what happened because it's a sick and cruel story. After everything with my ex, it is understandable why I have trust issues, but Jason's actions guaranteed I would refuse to form real friendships with anyone for almost four years until Mich came along. While in grad school, Jason became my defender in those awkward moments with my ex and his new girl, which led to me being a bit more open for the first time in a couple of years. Unfortunately, he was not to be trusted. Lessons I learned from this experience: don't ever associate with someone who is on friendly terms with your enemy; people have their own selfish reasons for being your friend and some of those reasons can be harmful; even when all the facts say your instinct is wrong and possibly insane, trust your instinct over the facts; every smile, frown, statement, opinion, reaction, and expressed emotion can reveal your unspoken secrets to those looking; and any revelation of the real you, your thoughts or feelings, rather than the veneer, means making yourself vulnerable, i.e. friendships equal vulnerability. It may sound harsh, but all of these things and more happened. I can honestly say if hubby and I had not been dating at the time, I would have remained single for a number of years after this experience.

So why am I revealing these limited details after all these years? Because I plan to stand up to these ghosts. I received an invite to a reception in honor of the ten year anniversary of the leadership institute, which was an advantageous experience for me as it altered my career path and provided me a wonderful professional network. My immediate excitement over reconnecting with this group in-person was overshadowed by the realization that I would be expected to interact with Jason once again. Fear at the thought of seeing him, much less having to converse with him as a former colleague, along with a slight fear of him casually remarking on my weaknesses in a public setting were soon overruled by my anger. I will not allow my fear to stop me from attending a function that professionally and personally benefits me. Once I had my mind set on attending, someone reminded me that Carol Ann will also be in attendance. I say ... bring it on! I'm tired of feeling ashamed and humiliated by the situations created by others. I never asked her to sleep with my ex and then disparage me nor did I ask him to mind fuck me.

How serious am I about attending this event? Will I let fear and avoidance control my actions, preventing me from seeing former colleagues and reveling in a celebration of my past achievements? The reception is scheduled for the weekend of NGS, which means vacation requests are not requested unless under special circumstances. Plus, it is the weekend following OGS, which I've had to request as vacation since I'm presenting. I will not back out of attending the anniversary reception since I have already submitted my vacation request. Cheryl, who graduated from the institute the year after me, plans to attend, so I'll have at least one individual in the vicinity should things become uncomfortable.

Sisterly Love

I have to say, I truly appreciate the comments I've received concerning my New Chapter post. One person told me, "about f*#%n time." While another person texted me, "I wanted to say so much, one of the things I love about your blog & u! is your honesty." So thanks for the kind words.

So I decided to spend my Thursday afternoon with three of my favorite people, Erin, Ian, and Emy. Erin had not realized what a tomboy I was until I started discussing He-man and Skeletor with Ian. Using chalk, I drew on the ground with Emy who is a snuggler. We played for a couple of hours and I left with some very fond memories. Ian holds a special place in my heart because of an incident following my hysterectomy, so I loved reading him a story while snuggled on the couch. I also was near tears watching Emy walk. She has such amazing strength, just like her mom. My favorite message of the day was from Erin that Ian had wanted me to come back over.

Mich and I had one of our three hour phone conversations the other night. Lots of deeply personal discussions concerning some of my recent epiphanies including my analysis of each of my close relationships. Mich was afraid of how I viewed our connection, but my response caused a huge laugh followed by some gushy girl talk.

This is in comparison to my conversation with my sister. Yes, I finally spoke with her. For those who aren't fully aware of the recent drama, here is a short synopsis: My sister sent me messages saying she was cutting me out of her life; that I have never done anything to help her or my nieces; that I tease my niece with plans then bail on her; that I spend more time with friends than family; and that I am a negative influence in her life, just like her ex, Adam, who was a bi-polar addict who physically attacked her and emotionally abused my niece; and much more.  This was all a bit much for me to take this year.

My sister was diagnosed with a neurological disorder during conference week and no, it's not the same type as mine. I can be understanding and supportive but I am amazed at the depths of my pain. As family, she gets another chance in my life, but it's unclear if I'm capable of getting past this.

The dynamics in my life are definitely changing. It truly is amazing how one kind word can get you through the moment. Erin's message about Ian helped me bounce back after conversing with my sister. So I'm going to enjoy these reminders of how blessed I am with the people in my life.

Moving & Music

This past weekend, we moved hubby into his new weekday apartment. For those confused by that statement, hubby works for a university ninety miles from where we live so he keeps a place in the college town. When hubby accepted the job, they already had another James working there, so they asked if they could call him, Jim. I have cringed for years at him being referred to as Jim, so this weekend was frustrating as his coworkers kept saying that name and I kept looking for some stranger. I'm sure it is not telling that hubby uses an alias at work. Right? The student assistants struggle when I call and ask for James. There have even been a few times when the student claimed James didn't work for that department.

Though it was in the 90s and muggy, we had an overall fun day, especially because it included a road trip. For me, road trip equals singing at the top of my lungs to whatever is on the radio. Hubby regularly cringes at my singing because I truly can not carry a tune, but really don't care. He was greatly disturbed listening to me sing along with Maroon 5 and Fall Out Boy but soon got into the road trip mentality. After I rapped my way through Eminem & Rihanna's Love the Way You Lie, hubby couldn't resist stopping on every hip hop channel to ask if I liked this song or this song. We discussed my need for a new fall-back request song (see previous post), which led to my reveal that Add it Up was actually my favorite Violent Femmes song because I love the angst and f*ck you message. Hubby then asked me to sing from both Add it Up and Blister in the Sun because he claimed not to remember the difference. So of course, I obliged.

The music mellowed with Tom Petty followed by Jim Croce. Hubby always asks if I know who Jim Croce is because it leads to an emotional conversation. When his mother was in the cancer center, she regularly played Croce. One of our most poignant memories of his mother's final months is her reaction to our then three year old nephew dancing and singing Operator.

We settled hubby in his very questionable digs. They are questionable because the space is cleaner with newer carpeting than his previous apartment, but it is really tiny, has definitive water damage which may have been properly cleaned, and is in a questionable neighborhood, though three blocks from campus. After returning to the Fort, we did not rest, choosing instead to purchase edging stones so we could frame our new landscaping. This was a project we had decided to put on hold until next year, but then we saw the stones on sale for $0.33/ each and couldn't resist.

Quiet

I have been very quiet recently. There are many reasons for this as life has decided to drop an avalanche on me. Just to give you an idea of why I have been keeping silent, here are the things influencing my life:

- Illness My immune system has been completely depleted between the narcolepsy and fighting this infection. The shock and awe treatment of a heavy antibiotic and six daily doses of Prednisone worked to a limited degree but did not completely eradicate the infection. The specialist has ordered several tests so that is how I'll spend the next few weeks. I can't even begin to explain how frustrated and miserable I have felt the past few months.

- Extended Family Dad is once again in WV. They are closing the family farm and possibly selling it. The farm has been in the family since before the Revolution and includes two large farmhouses that are filled with generations of family material. Dad is moving my grandfather from the farm and my grandmother from assisted living into an apartment that was built on my aunt's farm which is more than an hour away from the family homestead.

My mom's sister, Kay, who I am close with, is on a lung transplant list. Unfortunately, the doctor's have not given her a good prognosis. They have been blunt about the fact that her body can not handle another infection and we have been told to spend what time we can with her. Of course because I have an infection I can not visit, which breaks my heart.

- Immediate Family Dad has been undergoing a number of tests but unfortunately the docs can't determine the final diagnosis or the seriousness of the situation. Either way, dad is struggling with his own health issues while dealing with the emotional ramifications of his parent's situation. Mom and dad are both now officially retired and once again living in the same house. At minimum, I spend three hours a week on the phone between the two of them. I feel like a parent refereeing between the kids.

Jo and I have spoken a total of fifteen minutes in the past month because she's still mad at me. She may or may not have cancer. She may or may not have a heart condition. She may or may not have a neurological issue. Every hour, I receive conflicting information via Jo's text messages or when speaking to my parents. There was an incident recently which left her hospitalized for four days. Once again, more conflicting information. I am the girls' guardian, except Jo never completed the paperwork, so should Jo become incapacitated (as she was recently), I will be faced with some major legal drama with her exes. I hope not to test whether Florida family courts believe a stable home environment is better for children than an ex-con or an absentee father who refused to visit his child post-surgery or the weeks she was in ICU. Then there is the emotional ramifications at the thought of Jo being sick and whether we can overcome the issues that have created this breach in our relationship. Jo can't drive at the moment so my mom cancelled her trip to visit her sister Kay because mom felt the need to take care of my sister. I fear mom will regret this decision.

- Work I can't discuss roughly 60% of my daily work situations. Either they involve personnel issues, contract or financial discussions, or there is some other confidentiality issue. I do find it frustrating when people comment on how I spend my time at work. Considering I'm working 60% of my old job, 100% of the former assistant manager's old job, 20% new work that has been created, and preparing the department to host a national conference this summer, my workload is overflowing at the moment.

- Board My position as a Director on the FGS board has heated up. I'm co-chair of a committee that is about to implement a project that has been in the planning stages for years as well as redeveloping a current weekly workflow. Then I am a member of another committee where I had the sole responsibility of evaluating and developing a new project. This has led to me being granted permission to create a new secondary committee to implement my proposed ideas.

As you can see, I've had plenty of reasons to keep quiet. It's a lot to take in, much less that I am an emotional mess once I start talking or I'm a geyser of rushing information as I try to get it all out at once. So those moments when I smile or laugh, they are true miracles to me.

Give and Take

I regularly remark on the give-and-take relationship dynamic because I have been in many situations where I'm the giver and rarely, if ever, is it reciprocated. I do not sustain these relationships with friends and partners but due to family ties, I regularly find myself giving until there is nothing left of me to my family. I have written over the years about my family drama and my tactics for self-preservation yet still question my handling of the situation.

When I visited Florida in January, there was more drama but I washed my hands of it. My sister had not been feeling well and was awaiting test results. Of course, every conversation revolved around this topic and her self-diagnosis. This is one of the reasons I cringe when discussing my health issues. Yes, my health issues affect every aspect of my life, but they do not define who I am. I refuse to use them as a crutch or conversation topic. But my sis enjoys have drama in her life, so I figured this was another issue that she would exploit. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with a thyroid tumor, but a minute one that could not be biopsied. Her blood tests do not show elevated white cell count, hence it's most likely a benign growth.

My final day visiting, I was completely frustrated by the continuous discussion, especially since I rarely get any support concerning my health issues (i.e., Mich drove me to the seminar, no nap time considerations, and repeated late night phone calls). The perfect ending for me was discovering that my family was aware that sis was dating (when she's not supposed to be) a married man. And when I questioned sis about it, she lied to me repeatedly.

Fast forward five months and I have not spoken to my sis. I received several text messages this past week and finally a post on my facebook page saying she needed her older sister. I should have remembered, no good deed ... After listening to my sis rant for a solid five minutes about needing to see a cardiologist; that she has the same heart condition as our mother; and she's not 35 yet, but her body is falling apart on her, I finally lost it. My irate response had to do with the fact that she has not been diagnosed with anything yet; I've been seeing cardiologists since my 20s and have not received the dreaded diagnosis because there are plenty of other minor things that could cause these issues; and maybe she should consider taking better care of herself.  I received the "you just don't understand" response, which infuriated me. I pointed out that if she had ever bothered to contact me in the past six months, she would know that I've had multiple cardiac episodes, currently take medication to regulate my heart rate and that I've had to make major lifestyle adjustments in order to deal with everything.

At the end of this call, I was left feeling empty. Years ago, I was close to my sister, but now, she is a complete stranger. I listened to her, feeling bad that she is facing this uncertainty, yet experiencing it from a distance. The divide between us has widened to a yawning chasm that runs deeper than I ever realized. My siblings have our parents to support them through whatever crisis develops. I have an amazing set of friends, who have become my family to guide me through the rough times. My family has regularly forgotten to call me for the holidays, where as my friends call or message me with greetings. So I was amazed at how unsympathetic I must have sounded to my sis, but I just felt so completely empty while listening to her and couldn't find the words to demand, when is it her turn to worry about me?

What are Your Triggers?

For those who didn't get the memo, I have been a walking zombie the past few weeks as I waded through a severe sinus infection. Keeping my fingers crossed, but I might finally be on the road to recovery ... or another relapse is waiting around the corner. Other people who have been similarly afflicted claim it took two weeks to start to feel human. I'm on day fifteen and it's my first human-like day. While I was suffering through this crud, some people decided it was a good time to throw a few zingers at me. I'm assuming that a hacking woman with a whispered voice was viewed as not threatening, which isn't true.

Recently, a friend called me high-maintenance and I shrugged it off. I actually found myself jokingly using the term as well, until another individual decided it was an apt description for me. Then my hackles went up. I despised this descriptor for years and have insisted my gals not date anyone who uses this term. For me, a woman who values herself highly and expects the same from others or who expects an equal give-and-take in relationships is not high maintenance, but rather maintains a healthy level of self respect. I loved when Delia heard that someone labeled me high-maintenance, she laughed at the ridiculousness of it.

Another word that riles me is bitch. I may comment that I'm being bitchy or acting like a bitch, but don't ever call me that name. Any person who says it is not a friend.

And the trigger for this week was being informed that I was an extreme type-A personality. Don't get me wrong, I am completely type-A, but this person was using it as a negative aspect of my personality. They claimed I could never be a calming influence because of my personality. I'm sure Becky, Erin, and Mich would whole-heartily disagree that I'm incapable of calming someone since they have each been the recipient of my soothing nature and have witnessed the depths of my patience. And so what that I'm type-A? Sorry to inform the world, but we're the ones who are leaders and can make the hard decisions when other people can't.

So there you have it! The three most recent descriptors that have triggered my frustration. What annoys me the most about these situations is why someone thought it was acceptable to make the remarks in the first place. Care to share your triggers?

Alpha Male

While watching one of my guilty pleasures recently, my viewing partner remarked halfway through the episode, "you like the blond one." I was quite surprised by this accurate assessment, especially given the fact that I'm not typically attracted to blonds. My fellow viewer quipped that the blond was the villain, i.e. the bad boy.

We may not want to admit it but all of us have a type. That certain personality or physical trait that we find inexplicably attractive. We're drawn to the person or the type though rationally we know that the person or quality is not good for us. My type is the bad boy and it has become something of a running joke among my friends. I know he's bad for me yet I am continuously drawn to this type. I navigated my dating years by rationalizing through the appeal and focusing on all the drawbacks if involved in this person's life. Being a married woman, I currently find myself spending time with fictional bad boys instead, via tv, movies, and books, as a way to fulfill this fantasy.

I truly enjoy the bad boy, not because I want to change him or be the special someone who understands him, but because of the alpha male syndrome. I have several characteristics that are usually labeled as male traits such as I'm a fixer, I can shrug off emotion and analyze things based on fact, and I have a strong dominant personality. I will never be one of those women who asks someone else to make a decision or fix something for me. I am too self-reliant for it. And while I lust for an alpha, I could never be in a relationship with one due to certain weaknesses of mine. But knowing all of this, doesn't stop me from being drawn to him still.

And though the idea of letting a man make decisions for me is abhorrent, there are those times that I desire someone to swoop in and just take over so I can have a break. This is why bad boys are so appealing. They are a force of nature, dominant, appearing self-assured, and ready to take on the world without indecision. They are men of swift action and damn the repercussions which appeals rather than men who are indecisive, waver, or wait for someone else to make a decision. Alpha males fulfill some longing for care and protection since they don't waver in their decisions and appear capable of handling most situations.

The thought of this type of behavior appeals yet I know it would become quickly tiresome. Instead, I'll just enjoy the alpha male in my fiction rather than reality.