My Intimate Partner

My favorite pic of us (note our hands)

Intimacy is a very important component in each of our lives yet many people focus too much on the physical and refuse to acknowledge the emotional. I think because the two are linked in people's heads, most equate them as the same thing, yet they are dramatically different and should be acknowledged as such. I admit to having issues with physical touch. For many years, I would flinch or react instinctively when someone touched me unexpectedly. I know this is startling when you consider that I am now a touchy-feely type of person, yet there are moments when I still cringe inside while at other times, I yearn to be held more. I will never feel comfortable with PDA, but find myself frequently reaching out for the reassurance that can only be found when in the presence of someone I care for and trust. Though this is physical, part of it is emotional.

I admit to having an adventurous past, yet the two people who have the most intimate knowledge of me have never been my lovers. I won't embarrass the one person, but they are fully aware of their uniqueness in my life. The other person is the great love of my life, John. I've been thinking a lot about him recently, especially as I've been viewing my life through his perspective. He always had demanding yet deep thoughts on friendships. John and I had a powerful friendship, one that reverberates through my life and will forever. This is the intimacy I'm discussing. Not that he knew all my secrets, far from it, but he knew my soul. He was passionate in his love of me and brutal in his criticisms. He taught me not to pull my punches with those I loved because it had to always be honest and pure.

So I believe intimacy can be more than just sex. It can be more powerful and instrumental in a person's life. For myself, I wouldn't be remotely close to the person I have become if not for John's influence in my life. He made me a better person while teaching me the importance of acceptance. If not for him, I wouldn't have realized my worth, discovered someone could love me, or found a way to heal. I truly believe this because I am fully aware of the circumstances at that time and can honestly say, I'm not sure anyone else could have gotten through to me. He opened the door for me to choose this life I have. Every friend and love I've had since is thanks to John.
In the past few months, I've realized that some of my more permanent scars are beginning to heal. This is greatly influenced by some of John's more poignant life lessons and I wish he was here for me to share. I wish he knew that because of what he taught me, I've opened myself up to some people who have helped me achieve an acceptance of myself and them which has allowed me to feel safe enough to heal.

Perfectly captured moment

I have few regrets in life but one of them is living everyday with the knowledge that John died without knowing how I felt. This is why I regularly tell my friends and loved ones how much they mean to me. Because John died at a time when we weren't speaking to each other, when I believed I had more time. John didn't know that he would be a presence in all my relationships because he set the standard for them all. How can one forget the man who taught you to accept touch, to accept love, to say those words, to trust? The only person to know the true depths of your despair and the raw pain of living? The person who not only pulled you from the brink but leaned over the ledge to hold onto you for as long as it took and promised to never let go? I wish he had known the depth of my love for him; my continued amazement at his saving me, mind, body, and soul; that I cherish every moment I had with him; and that there are days I still believe I will never discover a love as pure as the one I had with him.

John was one of my most intimate relationships, yet he was never my lover. He was the great love of my life, but that doesn't diminish my relationships with the other amazing people who I have come to love as well. Because without John, these other relationships would never have developed.