Mommy

Mom and I 2012

My father took this photo of my mom and I when they visited this past fall. I felt a sense of deja vu the first time I saw it as my father had taken a similar picture of us nearly 20 years ago. When I found the original photo in my senior year scrapbook, I was touched to see the inscription I had written below the photo. Just like parents refuse to admit that they have a favorite child, children don't like to admit that they have a favorite parent. For me, it's not favoritism, but rather having completely different relationships with each of my parents. As I've grown into adulthood, my understanding of my father has solidified creating a stronger relationship. But growing up, I was very close to my mother. I had the mother who was my friend but also my disciplinarian. My siblings and I had friends who would regularly visit so they could discuss their problems with my mom because though she would tell you that she disagreed or was disappointed with you, mom always let you know that you were loved. As a teenager, when I required birth control or needed someone to help me with a unconscious drunk friend, I never hesitated to turn to my mother. She did not condone the behavior, but she provided a safe haven in a crisis.

Mom and I 1993

My relationship with my mother began to change when I began to feel the need to lie to her during my dark years. When I was at my lowest point though, two people saved my life, mom and John D. My mother once again offered a safe haven to weather the storm and though I did not reveal all to her, she heard more horror stories than any parent should learn about their child. If that safe haven had not existed for me, I'm not sure how well I would have healed.

When I began to rebuild my life, another transition occurred in our relationship; my siblings began having major crisis that required mom's attention and I developed into a stronger person.When hubby recently told me about his conversation at our wedding with my mom, hubby remarked that mom saw me so clearly. My mom does see me, but that is also why I continue to struggle with our relationship. She recognizes my strength and has leaned on it when dealing with my siblings' crisis over the past decade but it blinds her to my weaknesses. During my visit in August, mom discussed her fears of dying and abandoning my siblings. She asked me to step-in to help them. (I refuse to discuss that request any further.) Mom thinks I can accept her death better than the others as I'm the strongest of the bunch. She acknowledged that I would be upset, but that I would bounce back quickly. These words slashed me to pieces at the time. I was very hurt by them because I have such anger at the time I lost with my mom during those dark years, then in the past decade because we disagreed about my siblings, and more recently because I live 800 miles away.

Mom and I 1980

I do not believe in regrets. I think it is a waste to spend time second-guessing yourself when the decision was made based on what was known at the time. Because of this belief, I have only a handful of regrets in my life but one of those regrets is losing a second of time with my mom. I'm only strong because I emulated the strength I saw in her; because she gave me someone to trust when I lost all faith; because she encouraged me to be this willful stubborn woman; and because of her love. My strength falters when I think of losing her because through it all, she is my mommy.

Sisters

As much as I love my sister, which I do, time and again, I question my tolerance level. I'm continuously told that I'm loved and missed. Personally, I think the more accurate word that should be used instead of missed is needed. Every conversation that we have is focused on her continual crisis with no consideration of what is going on in my life. Ask her questions about my life and what I'm dealing with and she would be incapable of answering. That sounds harsh, but it is the truth

While in Florida, I was told that I should be completely grateful and appreciative to Mich for driving me to the east coast as no one in my family considered offering to play chauffer. Why would they? Because it would mean admitting that I have a weakness and periodically require help from others, which is unacceptable because I'm the giver in these relationships. If Mich had not offered to drive me, I would have needed to rent a car and pay for an extra night in a hotel because I would have been unable to drive after six hours of playing headliner and presenter at a conference. I mentioned the comment to Mich, who laughed. Mich said she was being absolutely selfish driving me because it meant uninterrupted Melissa-time with me in the car, seeing me lecture, free meals, and a hotel near the beach. Mich didn't mind me crashing as soon as we got to the car or that I required an out-of-the-way Starbucks run upon waking.

When I came back from my trip, I was met by my welcome party, which moved me to tears. Becky and Erin picked me up from the airport and insisted on a meal so I could get everything out of my system. Before we ordered, the waitress asked if we were sisters, which is a bit humorous because in so many ways we are. Whether a minor or major situation, we always find a way to help each other. Last week, I requested a movie night with no work talk. These gals readily agreed, providing me with a much needed break.

This is what sisters and friends do for each other. If one needs a shoulder, then the other offers and it is reciprocated. For me, I abhor one-way relationships, which is why I've struggled over the years with friendships. I expect the give and take of a friendship/ relationship to go both ways and when it becomes a one way street, I lose patience. I love my sister. I worry about her everyday because of the decisions that she makes but I refuse to punish myself by calling and checking on things. I know when a crisis erupts that she'll call, but in the meantime, I'd prefer to surround myself with healthier relationships.

Geeked Out

I have a great love affair with music. Songs tell the story of my life, whether with the lyrics or being a trigger for memories of loved ones, friends, and significant moments in my life. The thing that I desperately miss from Tampa is listening to my favorite station 97X and hearing new music from the Green Room. I miss it so much that Michelle makes me radio mixes for my birthday. While visiting Florida a few weeks ago, Michelle was excited by the announcement that 97X was changing its format.

Now, hubby gets rather nervous when I hang out with Michelle. This has nothing to do with some of our wild behavior and has everything to do with my tech envy. Michelle seems to get all the new gadgets and every time we hang out, I end up buying a new toy. Recall the smartphone envy which led to my HTC, then the NCAA team app, and of course the streaming Netflix via a Blu-Ray player, or the conversations about the Google Nexus which became my gift to myself. All of these are thanks to Michelle and my envy.

Hubby has shown great restraint in not ridiculing our latest endeavor. 97X released its new format where listeners use an app to choose the music from the station's collection and vote to determine the next song to be played, record an on-air message, and listen. Sadly, it can become addictive but now Mich and I can listen to songs together.

The Wedding Video

James and I watched our wedding video for first time this weekend. There is something about watching yourself on screen that is rather uncomfortable which is why it took us decade before we could do it. Honestly though, it was fun to watch and reminisce. We both had forgotten all of the things that had gone wrong that day. James likes to bring out the photograph of angry Melissa, which shows my reaction when we were told the wedding cake was missing. He apparently was not aware of the multiple issues that I had dealt with in the hours leading up to the wedding. He finally witnessed the continued interruptions and my father's assessment of the Chinese fire drill that was taking place downstairs as I tried to get dressed. He also got to be a witness to the hilarity that was me getting dressed. The layers of crinoline that poofed out my dress was flat causing my dress to fall and made it impossible for me to walk without stepping on the hem. It took several bottles of hairspray to stiffen the material enough to last the ceremony.

Following some humorous and touching moments during the wedding ceremony, the video transitioned to the first dances. James wanted to fast-forward through these because we couldn't hear what was being said but instead we watched the dances and were shocked at how we could interpret certain moments. During our first dance, the camaraderie that James always remarks on was very apparent. James and I conversed until he said something incredibly hilarious which was obvious when I threw my head back and laughed. My brother and I danced together several times, once was a swing routine and another was a slow dance. It was interesting to watch because we were laughing and joking with each other. I had forgotten how close we were, which was evident in the video. Unfortunately, this was about the time my brother began to habitually use drugs so it was weird to see me interacting with my baby brother. It looked like I was picking on his facial hair and it was like discovering an old friend and suddenly missing them. I had actually forgotten how sweet and welcoming Craig's best man toast was, which is interesting since half the time I think he doesn't know what to think of me.

While watching the toasts, James asked if my dad had been okay with us getting married. He remarked that my dad's toast was essentially a combination of my siblings' toast. James said that when he asked my dad for permission to marry, my dad responded that I was an adult and could make my own decisions. I reminded James that my dad had some severe reservations about our marriage since we had not known each other for very long. James asked if my dad still had reservations about our marriage. I couldn't help but laugh as I reassured him that my dad was accepting of us.

The video also reunited us with other old friends. On camera, my face lit up when I spotted my friend, John. The video ended with John and I raucously dancing while laughing together. I thought it was a fitting picture of us. It makes me sad to realize that he's been gone for more than five years. It's hard to know the man who had such an amazing influence on my life and me, on who I became, is not here to see me happy with James. Some people may recall that when James met John, I told James that if John did not like him, that our relationship was over. Because I couldn't be with someone that John did not approve of as he had been my saving grace during the worst time in my life. Who knew that the two of them would hit it off so well.

When James' mom, Patricia, stood to give her toast, I teared up. James remarked that her voice sounded different in his memories. I wish he had more to remember her by. Once again another amazing influential person in our lives who we miss greatly. I hope she would be proud of what we've accomplished and our commitment to our marriage.

So the video was bittersweet and joyful with all its laughter and happiness. It was a picture in time of a life we don't recognize and of loved ones missed. Because I have to admit I didn't recognize the bride, who received one toast after another stating, "it's been a long time since I've seen her this happy." That woman has not existed for a long time as James has given me a decade of happiness.

10 Years and Counting

Our Wedding
Feb 2003

Ten years ago, James and I were married in a beautiful afternoon ceremony that was shared with a few loved ones. Honestly, most of the day is a blur though a few moments stand out. I recall mom and I hugging and crying and my veil getting caught in her glasses which caused us to laugh. I remember all the dancing, including my parents performing some wild moves. Patricia, James' mom, giving a heart-touching toast about her bachelor son. James and I starving but only managing to eat a slice of cake until after the reception when we snuck away to Red Lobster.

This past week, James and I have been a bit introspective as we looked through our wedding albums. It should come to no surprise that I own three albums. We've had several email discussions about the past ten years and our marriage.

Anniversary in New Zealand
Feb 2007

Most of the time, James does not care to discuss his feelings. When he proposed and in the subsequent years, he has regularly remarked that we work as a couple because of our camaraderie. So it was shocking this week, when he has repeatedly moved me to tears with the emotion and sentimentality in his emails.

Vacation in NYC
Nov 2009

The one that amazed me the most was his recollection of a conversation with my mother:

Your mother told me this on our wedding day, and I knew it was true from the moment she said it.  It was just a fact that hadn't been stated.  "She's more than she realizes and I hope she can see in herself the confidence and beauty I see in her, and I hope you can see it also."

Thanks to James, I've had the chance to accept myself, faults and all, because this amazing guy saw all those faults and accepted me anyways. He's given me the space to take chances and test myself, while providing the loving reassurances to keep me grounded. He's gone so far as to encourage some of my adventures such as moving to Indiana. 

Dinner with friends
 Aug 2011

I can't encompass a decades worth of memories in one blog post but I can unequivocally state that I hope the next ten are as exciting as the first. Though I am amazed by the person that I have become thanks to his love and support, I am surprised daily at the dynamic between us and the life we've built together.

Ego Has No Place

Recently I have found myself dealing with a wide variety of people, personalities, and egos. Though I recognize that each of us have different backgrounds and histories which lead to different perspectives and beliefs, I have never understood the need for some people to act so prideful that they become walking egos.

I have my reasons for being a very prideful person but I try to temper it with some humility. I admit to a certain level of a well-deserved and hard-earned ego. I am the first is my father's family to ever attend graduate school and the third to complete high school and college. This is a source of pride for me since I grew up with old fashioned grandparents who regularly instructed me on my role as a female and the fact that book-learning was a waste. This was followed by a seven year relationship with someone who admitted to being threatened by my personality and decided to suppress me. By no means do I believe myself an expert on relationships, but I have enough experience with bad relationships and self-analysis that I recognize certain behaviors quicker than others. In essence, I have great pride in my education, my career, and my relationships.

For all of these reasons and many more, I cannot fathom why I continuously meet individuals who are complete blowhards with no substance or those who build themselves up by beating down other people. Over the years I have been privy to some individual's deep dark secrets which have made me question these behaviors further. Don't act like you are better than others because you never know the truth behind the facade, while others may be fully aware of your secrets. In the past I have worked with colleagues who did not realize I was knowledgeable of their habit of inviting third parties to share their marital bed. I had another colleague who do not realize that people knew his credentials were works of fiction. And of course there was the colleague who eventually discovered her boyfriend and I knew each other intimately from years before and that I had firsthand knowledge of his kinky interests.

A few months ago, my friend Harriet posted a message on Facebook thanking those bitches who treated her like shit and forced her to leave. Harriet and I worked together at Hell. We were continuously put in our place by our so-called betters. In a three year period, a group of us left Hell after being told how inadequate, unprofessional, and incompetent we were. While David and company remain at Hell, Harriet travels the world, Adam is a director in FL, Andrea is an associate director in CA, Jill is happy in PA, and I am in my perfect place. So I'd highly recommend checking the ego at the door.

2013 Goals

Many you have commented on the fact that I have not posted on this blog in a while. Honestly, I had planned to continue posting, but life got in the way. Then suddenly, I realized that it is February and I have not even reviewed my 2012 goals or created new ones. As many of you know, I do not believe in resolutions but prefer to set goals for the year. In 2012, my entire focus was on making major life decisions and directing my career. I managed to complete a majority of my goals including buying a house, being promoted at work, heavily researching my family, and joining the UDC. The one goal that I completely let slide was my writing, which has barely been touched.

I know this will shock some of you, but I admitted to myself that I did not have time for RWA so I let my membership lapse. This year is going to be busy and I am committed to my new position, then my new position with the FGS board, and maintaining the new house. This year my goals are entirely selfish. They are entirely focused on taking care of myself and my needs.

1. Dedicate 10 minutes a day to a workout or stretching routine
Since my diagnosis, I have had to give up my hour-long workouts and weekly walks on the trails. In the past year, I have lost the majority of my muscle tone and can not lift heavy items. Hubby and I are discussing hiking in Hawaii for our anniversary trip, but at the moment, I'm not in shape.

2. Dedicate an hour a day to myself
Salon appointments, research time, and writing does not count as part of the hour. These routines used to relax me, but have now become "work" in my mind. This hour means not answering the phone, checking e-mail, or making plans with friends. If I work and it is the only hour I have to myself, the plan this year is to choose myself. Though I love my family and friends, I need my time. As for the calls, on average I receive two lengthy calls a night. Lengthy being defined as more than thirty minutes. Just for example, the other night I had back-to-back phone calls from five different people who all left voicemails that they desperately needed to talk to me. This dominates most of my night, leaving me with very little time to get other things accomplished.

And though I may work my regular job, I have other responsibilities with my outside speaking and the board. In January, I spent five hours on conference calls, hours on email for both of these entities, four days traveling and speaking, and the hours creating new lectures. This is work outside my typical workday. Hence the need for time to myself.


3. Establish a routine to handle my condition
I truly should have a set schedule. One that can be varied from periodically, but one that provides my body and mind with the necessary rest. Since my doctor adjusted my dosage, my sleep pattern has been all over the place I have not been able to establish a routine. I plan to see a neurologist to find a secondary method in dealing with those times that I can not maintain a routine. My current dilemma is my work schedule and life is not conducive for the rigid schedule required of my body. Within one week, I'll break pattern multiple times. I need to find a fix for those times.

4. Spend more time with Erin's children 
Following Emy's health crisis this year, Becky and I made a pact that we would spend more time with Erin's children so that if there was ever another emergency, the kids would feel comfortable being left with us.

So my 2013 Goals are completely selfish. I have chosen my career path and it fulfills something in me, so I need to make everything else work in conjunction with it. This year is all about me adapting to my various new roles, which takes a lot of time and energy, which are two things I lack. I've lost myself trying to please myself and others, hence my decision to make my desires the priority this year.