Mommy

Mom and I 2012

My father took this photo of my mom and I when they visited this past fall. I felt a sense of deja vu the first time I saw it as my father had taken a similar picture of us nearly 20 years ago. When I found the original photo in my senior year scrapbook, I was touched to see the inscription I had written below the photo. Just like parents refuse to admit that they have a favorite child, children don't like to admit that they have a favorite parent. For me, it's not favoritism, but rather having completely different relationships with each of my parents. As I've grown into adulthood, my understanding of my father has solidified creating a stronger relationship. But growing up, I was very close to my mother. I had the mother who was my friend but also my disciplinarian. My siblings and I had friends who would regularly visit so they could discuss their problems with my mom because though she would tell you that she disagreed or was disappointed with you, mom always let you know that you were loved. As a teenager, when I required birth control or needed someone to help me with a unconscious drunk friend, I never hesitated to turn to my mother. She did not condone the behavior, but she provided a safe haven in a crisis.

Mom and I 1993

My relationship with my mother began to change when I began to feel the need to lie to her during my dark years. When I was at my lowest point though, two people saved my life, mom and John D. My mother once again offered a safe haven to weather the storm and though I did not reveal all to her, she heard more horror stories than any parent should learn about their child. If that safe haven had not existed for me, I'm not sure how well I would have healed.

When I began to rebuild my life, another transition occurred in our relationship; my siblings began having major crisis that required mom's attention and I developed into a stronger person.When hubby recently told me about his conversation at our wedding with my mom, hubby remarked that mom saw me so clearly. My mom does see me, but that is also why I continue to struggle with our relationship. She recognizes my strength and has leaned on it when dealing with my siblings' crisis over the past decade but it blinds her to my weaknesses. During my visit in August, mom discussed her fears of dying and abandoning my siblings. She asked me to step-in to help them. (I refuse to discuss that request any further.) Mom thinks I can accept her death better than the others as I'm the strongest of the bunch. She acknowledged that I would be upset, but that I would bounce back quickly. These words slashed me to pieces at the time. I was very hurt by them because I have such anger at the time I lost with my mom during those dark years, then in the past decade because we disagreed about my siblings, and more recently because I live 800 miles away.

Mom and I 1980

I do not believe in regrets. I think it is a waste to spend time second-guessing yourself when the decision was made based on what was known at the time. Because of this belief, I have only a handful of regrets in my life but one of those regrets is losing a second of time with my mom. I'm only strong because I emulated the strength I saw in her; because she gave me someone to trust when I lost all faith; because she encouraged me to be this willful stubborn woman; and because of her love. My strength falters when I think of losing her because through it all, she is my mommy.