Holiday of Misdeliveries

This holiday arrived sooner than expected and brought with it a comedy of errors.

I spent every evening for a solid week searching for a spirograph set for my niece, before finally accepting that the stores in town were completely sold out. Admitting defeat, I bought a set online for an exorbitant fee. In the meantime I found gifts for both my dad and Mich, which I carefully wrapped and in Mich's case, included little notes since there were specific memories attached to each of her gifts. When I went to mail their packages, I suffered from sticker-shock when I was quoted $45 each to guarantee a Christmas delivery (this did not include the extra fees). I wisely decided not to choose that option since the gifts apparently would not have arrived on time, and actually have yet to arrive as of this writing.

 

In another humorous event, gifts that were sent to me ended up in Brooklyn due to a snafu in completing the address field. Apparently my house number is a zip code in Brooklyn.

This is perfectly reasonable since my card to mom was returned to sender because I failed to complete her address on the envelope. During our Christmas morning phone call, I was questioned why everyone else received a card and not my mom.

I'm assuming the shortage of cards we received this year is due to the same reason I'm still waiting for my Aunt Patty's card. Patty sent me a message that her card was returned because she sent it to my old address so she needed my new one. Of course, I received this message more than a week after I had sent her a card so obviously it takes more than seven days to send a simple card when I could have driven it there in seven hours.

Then the gifts that did arrive on time had their own issues. Dad called a few days before Christmas to tell me that some of my gifts had arrived. He then asked me about my niece's jewelry which raised a red flag for me: How did he know I had sent her jewelry? After interrogating him, I discovered that though I had paid Amazon to wrap the gifts and added a holiday message, the detailed receipt for the items was inside the shipping box. 

Then there were the personal deliveries. I was brave and bought one of James' gifts after work on Christmas Eve Eve. Deciding to keep it hidden in my car, I was in a panic the next morning as I prepared to leave for an early appointment and faced the possibility that James would discover the gift. Because I was braving the mall on Christmas Eve, James asked me to pick him up after my appointment so he could go with me. As James took Bartle into the backyard, I frantically moved the awkwardly large and heavy gift from my car to my office. Of course, I smashed the box into the door knob, puncturing a lovely hole into the box and forcing the object back into me. Amazingly enough, he was none the wiser, though he did ask about the hole when I waddled the box into the living room on Christmas morning.

Becky, Erin, and I typically exchange gifts during Becky's birthday dinner, which was canceled this year following the snow storm. Becky and I eventually exchanged gifts when we saw The Hobbit, surprisingly enough, on Becky's birthday. Erin has been balancing car trouble, holiday demands, sick children, and her own ailment, so we never found the time to connect and exchange gifts even though we work in departments that are next to each other. Finally on New Year's Eve, Erin and I were able to exchange gifts.

Though I'm still waiting on three packages to be delivered, the family calendar, and have been told that a multitude of cards are still in-the-mail, I would say this holiday will go down in history as the holiday of misdeliveries.

A Few of My Favorite Things

One little corner of our house

Several people have remarked that they are not feeling in the Christmas spirit this year. I can relate as Christmas cards and shopping have been low on my priority list, but I refuse to allow this to be a bah humbug season. There are so many little things that make this a wonderful season so I am sharing a few of my favorite things from the past few weeks.

Tree and decorations - Seeing these as I walk in the door causes an uplift in my emotions. My family has a tradition of one new ornament every year so our tree is filled with loving ornaments, each representative of interests and events. Also, the gals and I have exchanged ornaments the past few years so they have a place as well. The candles on the mantle and strewn through the house are from my childhood and the nativity set (not shown) is my mom's. 

Sidewalk is cleared then I gave up

Treats - Sarai, who bakes goodies every year, sent me a box of treats, which were quite yummy. This was followed by several bags of baked goodies during the gift exchange at Sarai's holiday party. I know this may shock several of you, but I brought a homemade dessert to the holiday party this year. So far, I have made two cherry delights (one for the work holiday party and another for Sarai's party), which is what my mom makes for Christmas dessert. And I made my mom's cheese ball which was a Christmas Eve tradition when I was a child.

Snow - I love watching it snow or playing with Bartle, who disappears in the white mess. Though I've not enjoyed shoveling more than a foot of it the past few weeks nor the slick roads which led to me sliding through a stop sign, jumping the sidewalk and missing the lamp post by inches, yet I still want a white Christmas.

Our long distance toast

Friends - Mich and Crystal toasted my news (I promise to share later) this week and posted a pic on fb since 800 miles separate us from celebrating together. 

Peggy made me cry the other week when she responded to my message following her recent surgery. She remarked on how wonderful it was to have friends she loved who cared. 

Delia who made me laugh when she asked if I had re-gifted because great minds led to us giving each other identical chocolates. 

Bartle looking quite pathetic

Kay who delivered Sarai's treat box along with the department's treats with the claim that the germ-a-phobe had her own box so other's didn't breath on it. Laugh it up! I'm not the only germ-a-phobe.

Becky who spent her birthday with me, watching short men run around with long swords, or the latest Hobbit movie. She is one of the few who will suffer with me trying to recall the innumerable characters and their relations to people from the other movies. Her memory recall of the various details from books and movies is truly impressive. FYI ... I'm finally caught up with Once Upon A Time.

Queen of our house

My babies - Bartle had oral surgery this week and was overly pathetic and clingy while Cleo was her typical self, taking the time to approach him and then hissing as if offended. Though James is home for the holiday break, Bartle insists on clinging to me. He spent Friday afternoon at my feet under the dining table, even when James took a nap in the bedroom, which is Bartle's safety place. He sat at my feet while I got ready to go out both Friday and Saturday as well. He really wants his mommy and daddy won't do. I spent all-day Sunday lounging around in my new amazing fleece pajamas ($10 at Wal-Mart featuring woolly lambs), snuggling with Bartle and Cleo while working on the computer. I'm sure it was me and not the pajamas that was the draw.

My F#$k You Playlist

Is it any surprise that I would have a Fuck You Playlist? These are songs that speak the words I want to say or carry an angry tone that I recognize. Some are about break-ups while others are just in response to hurts or betrayals. So I dedicate this latest list to Grumpy, someone close to me who admitted to feeling a bit grumpy lately.

My list in no reasonable order:

Fuck You by Cee-Lo Green
The song title says it all which is interesting since the song has an upbeat tone.

Kiss Off by Violent Femmes
This is truly my favorite Violent Femmes song. Decades later and I still relate to the angst during the what is wrong in life countdown at the end of the song.

I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
The anthem for any woman who has ever left a man.

The Pretender by Foo Fighters
I'm biased here because I am a major Dave Grohl fan. While explaining this song he remarked, "you know, everyone's been fucked over before."

Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood
In my angriest moments, I would have loved to make my exes who cheated pay. Alas, I feared being arrested.

So What by Pink
First off, this song is fun to sing and has an upbeat tempo. The lines that speak to me are "You weren't there, You never were, You want it all, But that's not fair, I gave you life, I gave my all, You weren't there, You let me fall."

Warning: we're about to get dark here:

One Step Closer by Linkin Park
The gals can attest that I always end up front row, singing at the top of my lungs, when TOA covers this song. This song came out during the darkest period of my life and I fully comprehenend the anger and rage that is expressed in the screaming lyrics.

You Make Me Completely Miserable by Lit
With lines like, "I give up all of my plans but who needs them when you mean everything," or the chorus of "you make me com-, you make me complete, you make me completely miserable," this song speaks to me on so many levels.

I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace

Living through a dysfunctional relationship is hard to explain but these lyrics try. The hateful words of this song still resonate with me.

Thank You by Sister Hazel
The first time I heard this song, it could have been my words. More than a decade later and this song is my true fuck you anthem to my ex while explaining my belief that I had to live through that experience to become the person I am today.

"I had to walk away down the road just to clear my head
On another fun filled day, was doin' fine but you're back instead.
Now, I'm not the only one who saw you for just what you were
You pushed me, an' I'd keep tryin', I'd leave you, but you'd start cryin'.

But you won't fool me, I'm smarter than that

You were the one who taught me what I don't need
And I thank you, I thank you for that.
You were the one that brought me to my senses
And I thank you, now just leave me alone.

I had to drive away, far away 'til you could not find me
And it was a beautiful day, liberated and you're far behind me.
What you did I'll never mention, where you were, I don't want to know..."

Hopefully Grumpy will enjoy some of these songs. Considering that many of us have our favorite break-up songs or anger songs, does anyone care to share their Fuck You songs?

Thankgiving Musings

I had plans to post sooner, but the plague stole all my energy and prevented me from sharing my Thanksgiving weekend adventures. I love Thanksgiving! It is representative of the fall season, includes a large family meal featuring all my favorites, kicks-off the holiday season which requires decorating the house while reminiscing over the various ornaments and trinkets, and the weekend is dominated by state rivalries in college football.

Dad, Mom, Mel & James

My mom is the youngest of eight kids, meaning we have a large family who are scattered across the US so it is rare for us to get together. Though our last family reunion was almost twenty years ago, I remain close with some of our relations while there are others who I haven't seen in what feels like forever.

My Aunt Kay does not realize that I have been aware of her struggles and they have greatly influenced my life. I admire her strength and perseverance, her friendship with her ex and daughter, and her love of my mom. Kay survived breast cancer at a young age but required a full mastectomy. She was one of the women whose silicone implants leaked, poisoning her body and destroying one of her lungs. Kay's remaining lung is failing and she was denied a transplant hence a decision was made to have a reunion, in order to have these final memories with her.

James and I drove to a little town outside of Pittsburgh to spend Thanksgiving with almost fifty other people, most of whom hubby had never met. In order to prepare James for the mayhem of a loud family reunion, we began our road trip with lots of loud singing, i.e. my singing. REM was the band of choice for this trip but Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, and Linkin' Park had quite a bit of airtime.

Dale sharing his genealogy research

I spent the majority of the trip discussing family history with my Uncle Dale, who has researched with me in Salt Lake and more recently reviewed my brick wall. Dale brought more than a hundred pages of research with him from Denver because he wanted my opinion on his recent discovery. Following the trail I had given him in October, he had finally uncovered the missing link that had hindered my research for more than a decade and had progressed back two generations. One of my proudest moments at the reunion was listening to him share his findings with his siblings. He was really enthused and a quick study. As he was showing off one document, he pointed out some random numbers and remarked, Melissa says this indicates his property. He went on and on and on, detailing my explanation of what it signified and how he should approach the next steps of his research as well as my remarks on military research. I appreciated hearing him tell the family that I really knew my stuff, especially since my family doesn't understand my work.

Rose, Kay, Mom, Dale, Ken & Arthur

Though I spent time with my parents on Wednesday night, Mom was busy with her siblings, leaving James and I to entertain dad on Thanksgiving. It was worth the drive, in order to be with my parents for the holiday. Unfortunately, Kay's health had taken a downturn and she could not travel to Pittsburgh, so my uncle rented a van and the siblings drove to Baltimore to spend the day with her.

James and I returned back home with weekend plans, but the plague set-in delaying our decorating and preventing me from watching football. Through the power of drugs, I managed to see Catching Fire with Becky and Erin as part of our semi-annual movie night though it's a bit of a blur, which means I now have an excuse to see it again. The plague took its toll on me, but I still had a nice holiday with my parents, had James setting up the Christmas tree and taking care of me.

A Musical Vibe

In response to my previous playlist post, Delia mentioned that she is spending time listening to Evanescence's Bring Me to Life, which is a great song! I managed to shock Mich by having Usher and Rihanna on my playlist since according to her, a few years ago I would have "booted others out of the car for playing that," but my Eminem revelation was something she hadn't known.

Mich & I on stage singing I Will Survive

My fascination with Eminem was prompted by Chris O, who is also responsible for introducing me to what one friend called, "the greatest invention ever," the dueling piano bar. In 2000, Chris got us a front row table at Pat O'Briens which is an awesome venue and I have been hooked ever since and have managed to drag a few friends into the mayhem. So it is fitting that my next playlist is the dueling piano bar request list.

Songs that are my regular requests when at a dueling piano bar:
- Violent Femmes Blister in the Sun
- Green Day Longview
- Dexy's Midnight Runners Come on Eileen
- Def Leppard Pour Some Sugar on Me
- Gloria Gaynor I Will Survive
- Kid Rock All Summer Long 

I have been informed that the top four on my list are very sexual in nature and the first two focus on masturbation. So it's not surprising that I have been known to also sing along with such similar songs as:

Crystal, Mich, & I singing Sweet Caroline

- AC/DC You Shook Me All Night Long
- Divinyls I Touch Myself
- Jimmy Buffett Why Don't We Get Drunk

 
Now this is not to say these are the songs that put me in the mood because I do have a sexual playlist which prominently features one band, Dave Matthews Band. There is something about the soulful rhythm of the music, the pulsing beat, and the raw emotion as Dave Matthews espouses erotic lyrics that made this young woman's heart race and still does.

Erin & I at HATM-Chicago for my 35th

Songs by Dave Matthews Band that still get to me are:

- Crush
"Lovely lady, let me drink you please. I won't spill a drop I promise you. Lying under this spell you cast on me. Each moment, the more I love you."

- Say Goodbye
"And in your eyes I see what's on my mind. You've got me wild turned around inside and then desire, see, is creeping up heavy inside here."

- Crash Into Me
"And I come into you. Hike up your skirt a little more and show the world to me...I watch you there through the window and I stare at you. You wear nothing but you wear it so well, tied up and twisted the way I'd like to be."

- Two Step (the entire song is worth a listen)
"Say, my love, I came to you with best intentions. You laid down and gave to me just what I'm seeking. Love, you drive me to distraction ... Hey, my love, you came to me like wine comes to this mouth, grown tired of water all the time. You quench my heart and you quench my mind."

Do you have any special requests at bars or any songs that bring on a sexual feeling?

My Intimate Partner

My favorite pic of us (note our hands)

Intimacy is a very important component in each of our lives yet many people focus too much on the physical and refuse to acknowledge the emotional. I think because the two are linked in people's heads, most equate them as the same thing, yet they are dramatically different and should be acknowledged as such. I admit to having issues with physical touch. For many years, I would flinch or react instinctively when someone touched me unexpectedly. I know this is startling when you consider that I am now a touchy-feely type of person, yet there are moments when I still cringe inside while at other times, I yearn to be held more. I will never feel comfortable with PDA, but find myself frequently reaching out for the reassurance that can only be found when in the presence of someone I care for and trust. Though this is physical, part of it is emotional.

I admit to having an adventurous past, yet the two people who have the most intimate knowledge of me have never been my lovers. I won't embarrass the one person, but they are fully aware of their uniqueness in my life. The other person is the great love of my life, John. I've been thinking a lot about him recently, especially as I've been viewing my life through his perspective. He always had demanding yet deep thoughts on friendships. John and I had a powerful friendship, one that reverberates through my life and will forever. This is the intimacy I'm discussing. Not that he knew all my secrets, far from it, but he knew my soul. He was passionate in his love of me and brutal in his criticisms. He taught me not to pull my punches with those I loved because it had to always be honest and pure.

So I believe intimacy can be more than just sex. It can be more powerful and instrumental in a person's life. For myself, I wouldn't be remotely close to the person I have become if not for John's influence in my life. He made me a better person while teaching me the importance of acceptance. If not for him, I wouldn't have realized my worth, discovered someone could love me, or found a way to heal. I truly believe this because I am fully aware of the circumstances at that time and can honestly say, I'm not sure anyone else could have gotten through to me. He opened the door for me to choose this life I have. Every friend and love I've had since is thanks to John.
In the past few months, I've realized that some of my more permanent scars are beginning to heal. This is greatly influenced by some of John's more poignant life lessons and I wish he was here for me to share. I wish he knew that because of what he taught me, I've opened myself up to some people who have helped me achieve an acceptance of myself and them which has allowed me to feel safe enough to heal.

Perfectly captured moment

I have few regrets in life but one of them is living everyday with the knowledge that John died without knowing how I felt. This is why I regularly tell my friends and loved ones how much they mean to me. Because John died at a time when we weren't speaking to each other, when I believed I had more time. John didn't know that he would be a presence in all my relationships because he set the standard for them all. How can one forget the man who taught you to accept touch, to accept love, to say those words, to trust? The only person to know the true depths of your despair and the raw pain of living? The person who not only pulled you from the brink but leaned over the ledge to hold onto you for as long as it took and promised to never let go? I wish he had known the depth of my love for him; my continued amazement at his saving me, mind, body, and soul; that I cherish every moment I had with him; and that there are days I still believe I will never discover a love as pure as the one I had with him.

John was one of my most intimate relationships, yet he was never my lover. He was the great love of my life, but that doesn't diminish my relationships with the other amazing people who I have come to love as well. Because without John, these other relationships would never have developed.

Let's Talk About Sex

I apologize to all the men out there who have ever been unfairly accused of being pervs, especially since it was probably based on the theory that men think and talk about sex more than women. This is such a generic statement and has no basis in reality. I can promise that sex is a regular topic of conversation between me and my female friends while it is rare among my male friends. And yes, I know there is the assumption that men discuss the cruder topics more than women, but I would argue against that belief. Considering some of the comments I have heard from women concerning a man's physique and stamina, women can be just as crude. So let's discuss sex! A topic of conversation that has become commonplace recently involves dry spells and I'm curious if men and women view this topic differently.

My gals are probably rolling their eyes because they know my very strong and vocal opinion concerning single people and dry spells. Have a fling! I do not recommend this for someone in a relationship, but for those who are single, go have fun! Find someone in your life who you find attractive, but recognize the person is not a potential long-term possibility. I recommend someone who is quite different from you that way the attraction may remain superficial but you can test yourself by trying new things. If you're not worried about impressing the person, you might be willing to experiment more. Having a fling can boost your ego, help with self-discovery, and push your limits. Imagine someone as type-A as me with a Cuban artist who reveled in the open-anything-goes liberal lifestyle. A person can learn a lot about hidden interests and needs while in a safe environment so why not take advantage? I understand not everyone feels comfortable with the concept of flings, so what would be another recommendation to ending a single person's dry spell besides those toys of ours?

For those who are married, it is a question of timing and frequency, but not all couples have a regular sex life. Sorry to tell those who are single, but marriage does not guarantee an active sex life either. There are many married people who suffer from long dry spells. This is when our friend, the sex toy, once again can be an amazing resource. Obviously couples should address the issues that are preventing them from being intimate, but the reasons may be beyond their control. When aware of these reasons, can the couple live with these circumstances? Each couple is different so the answer varies. But does this mean there is not an emotional connection?

I have a married friend who "schedules" sex just as a person would schedule a date. My friend believes that a couple should have weekly intercourse otherwise there is a loss of connection between the couple. Does that sound accurate to others? How often should a couple expect to have sex? And a better question ... when life gets in the way, how long should a couple wait before forcing the issue and planning an intimate moment? And I know there are some who believe it should come naturally and should never be planned. What do you think?

Any thoughts or responses to this subject? I'm quite vocal about my opinion and would love to hear from other people. And yes, you can comment anonymously if it makes you feel better.

It's a Groove Thing

A month ago

Road trips, GNOs, my wild party past, and anger management share a common thread in my world ... music. The words, the rhythm, and the emotion are reflective of my own feelings and temperment or they can influence my mood and trigger memories. Certain songs and bands immediately make me think of specific individuals from my life and associated memories and feelings. Since I have such a deep relationship with music, I plan to share some of these dynamics over the coming weeks by sharing some of my playlists. I have an eclectic taste in music so one never knows what genre might make an appearance though I may focus more on general rock and pop music, but that doesn't mean my country girl roots will be ignored, that I've forgotten my love affair with Frank Sinatra, that more than one Eminem cd is in my collection, or deny that I should have lived during the big band era.

Last weekend

For today, I'd like to discuss musical therapy. I admit to the similarities between my siblings and I concerning our tempers, but we dramatically differ in how we manage our anger. I learned to view it as something combustible that could be burned off rather than acting like a powder keg and exploding. This is why dancing in cages and on catwalks became a routine part of my life during my darkest period. All the built up resentment and anger could be channeled into my dancing so that at the end of the evening, I was spent. Blasting the stereo and singing at the top of my lungs is a typical way to calm myself after a stressful day of work. It is a basic release of intense emotions that does not harm me or anyone else. This has truly become the way my mind and body expects to deal with certain stresses, which is why I regularly have a soundtrack to individualized moments in my life.

My completed project

For those of you who are aware of the object that resided in my living room for nearly a month and it's significance, you might find it humorous that I put on a great show this weekend as I vented my spleen over the log rack. Due to the low temperature, I rustproofed the log rack in the open garage providing the neighbors with a great view of my performance. With my iPod blasting a mix of rock, pop, and dance songs, I bopped, shimmied, and shaked my way around the rack. It was a performance worthy of my cage days as the lower rungs of the log rack required me to kneel or to reach across on my hands and knees. It must have been quite a show because a few days later, after I declined one of my neighbors offer to help me move 14 thirty gallon leaf bags, he sent his two kids over to help with the bags.

I have to say I am quite proud of my work on the log rack. I built the rack by myself, rustproofed it, and loaded the logs. And as you can see from the pics, the blanket of leaves that have dominated the yard are getting cleared up as well, though the space opened by the cut trees makes me debate planting replacements.

My soundtrack for this musical therapy session was:
Lady Gaga Just Dance
Lady Gaga Telephone
Rihanna S&M
Justin Timberlake SexyBack
Usher DJ Got Us Fallin' in Love
Fall Out Boy My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark
Imagine Dragons Radioactive
Adele Rolling in the Deep
Train Drive By
OneRepublic Counting Stars
Seether Country Song
Rage Against the Machine Killing in the Name
Rise Against Savior

And for those of you who are opinionated, please feel free to comment on my choice of music. Do others have soundtracks for life's moments? I know there are a few of you who listen to music as a stress-reliever, so what songs would you listen to while trying to blow off some steam?

Thank You!

The past few weeks have exemplified the Beatles claim that "I get by with a little help from my friends."

- Thanks to James who bounced back this weekend after mishandling the Baltimore trip the first and second time it was mentioned. After being told that it would be inadvisable for me to visit Baltimore at the end of the month, I was shocked when hubby offered to drive me to Baltimore this weekend. Unfortunately, that plan did not work out for everyone involved but it was nice to have him make the offer.

-Thanks to Michelle who over the past few weeks has found the time and the patience to answer my multiple phone calls and understand my crazy one-line texts. There were days when our only communication was through these minimal texts, but she knows when I need my space and when to push. And there were those moments when I would send a text and my phone would ring because she understood. She has been my rock.

- Thanks to Erin who switched lunch schedules then dealt with the waiter and allowed me to cry my way through the meal. Actually, it was more like a blubbering mess.

- Thanks to Becky for her regular visits to my office and for trying to schedule our weekly lunches so we can chat.

- Thanks to Erin and Becky. Erin gave me a good laugh when she tried to play martyr about our plans to see Catching Fire. Due to conflicting schedules, us gals may not see the movie until Thanksgiving weekend. Erin graciously granted Becky and I permission to see the movie on opening night without her.  Becky and I have been repeatedly explaining to Erin that we are extremely stubborn. The three of us have made these semi-annual movie nights our thing. It's not just about seeing the movie. It's about discussing the books and comparing them to the movies, and the bond between us after that the initial viewing. Break-ups, surgeries, pregnancies, and travel have never prevented us from our previous movie premieres. Remember "all for one, one for all."

- Thanks to Kris who always remembers the important things, even when I fail to stress their importance. And though he experienced the very dark side of my personality, he decided to stick around and even checked up on me when I was feeling blue.

- Thanks to Delia and Kay who keep me sane as I balance work and my own personal drama.

- Thanks to Sarai for texting that Catching Fire tickets were sold out at certain theaters. She has saved my social plans on several occasions.

As you can see I'm thankful for the big things and the little things. I know for some people the things I'm grateful for may not seem that important, but for me, every little gesture counts because you never know what is going on in someone's life. And I'm especially grateful for having these wonderful people in my life to provide me with a regular opportunity to smile.

White Lies & Other Tales

Delia made some remarks to me about scenario c in the Boys post that has made me curious. She took exception to the following comment, "Spouses can't be best friends because you tell your best friend everything including complaining about your spouse." Now, Delia believes that spouses should be best friends and this friendship can help them through the more difficult times. I agree with her but where we part ways is that she disagreed that you tell your best friend everything. My mother has a similar belief as she has advised me not to tell my spouse or my friends everything. Mom thinks there is such a thing as too much honesty and that you should keep certain things to yourself.

As someone who has issues with trust, it is a struggle for me to openly discuss personal things. Though there are times when I want to close myself off, I am fortunate in my true friends who I allow in my life but it also means trusting them with certain private aspects as well. I am even further blessed to have four amazing people in my life who are my dearest friends. These are the friends who have been privy to way too many of the details.

Within my friendships, I abhor lies, even white lies and lies of omission. After years of living with someone continuously lying to me and me lying to cover the situation, I would rather have the honest truth, with all its beauty and pain. I have been warned not to confront friends when I'm upset, yet I've regularly ignored the warning and it hasn't always been easy. I'd rather have the truth out there rather than each of us assuming we understand the situation. And then there is the honesty of how deeply you cherish the friendship. The gals and I have spent many birthday celebrations in tears as we gushed about how we couldn't have survived the past year without each other. It is pure and elemental.

Don't get me wrong, I often breeze over certain things when conversing with people instead of directly discussing a situation. There are times when I'm honest in my response, just not willing to part with any real details. The only person who ever calls me on my bullshit is Mich. I can say I'm alright and mean it, but Mich can tell by my tone or other nuances if there is something bothering me and she'll demand to know what it is. Because here's the thing, Mich knows everything there is to know about me.

I'll admit, hubby doesn't know all my secrets, but Mich knows every crazy and brilliant thought that runs through my head. Does she truly know everything? No, but only because it hasn't come up in conversation yet. I have no hesitation in what I say to her (unless it directly affects her, yet I still say it). I couldn't imagine keeping something from her or having any qualms with discussing aspects of my life.

So when Delia made her remark about not telling her best friend everything, I called Mich to ask her opinion. I know it took a number of years for me to open up to Mich and then a few more years for Mich to feel comfortable with revealing certain things to me, but I thought we were both past that point. I know we have delved into some difficult conversations that would have destroyed most friendships because as I've said, she calls me on my bullshit and I return the favor. So I was quite pleased to hear that Mich feels the same as me about telling each other everything.

For me, it stems from a need to be accepted. I have regularly been told that I am too demanding in my friendships. I am also aware that I have a warped view of the world and some people have even remarked that I am broken, cold-hearted, harsh, judgemental, abrasive, and my favorite, crazy. So to find people that I trust and especially to have people in my life who fully accept me, rather than me having to act a certain way around them, grants me the freedom to revel in the relationship and not to feel the need to hold back.

Maybe Mich and I are unique in the fact that we tell each other everything. Maybe I shouldn't be so open with my other best friends. I have been burned in the past by those closest to me so I understand my mother's advice. But how can I not enjoy these close personal friendships when these individuals know me so completely and I needn't worry about explaining myself because they understand the complexities of my personality?

So what is your stance on telling your friends everything? Do you believe in complete honesty or do you believe there is such a thing as being too honest? Do you feel the need to hold back? Why? How would you feel upon discovering your closest friend lied to you? I prefer avoiding that scenario and stick with being too open.

NaNo Time Again

I have been extremely delinquent in asking if anyone is interested in participating in NaNoWriMo this year. I was asked about my writing last week, which triggered this reminder. I am willing to set goals if anyone is interested, but I do not have plans to participate in the national contest. The majority of my writing this month will be performance reviews, though I am debating some other writing scenarios in my head. When I was asked about my writing last week, I had seriously thought about pulling out my previous manuscript and making the necessary revisions.

But then I had an epiphany while lecturing on "Telling Our Story." For me, writing has always been cathartic. Though I write fictional stories, they are influenced by my mood and thoughts. I wrote about a near death experience and losing one's soul while I struggled with my feelings over my hysterectomy and the subsequent accident. Infidelity was the focus of my writing when I struggled with finding closure with my past and how it influenced my future. I wrote my most erotic tales while trying to work out my thoughts on my own personal desires. And before you ask, no, I have yet to try the adventurous outdoor sex scenes that I am prone to write.

There are pieces of me in the stories I write. My characters have been women who have suffered through being betrayed, terrorized, humiliated, and ostracized, yet have a strong solid core that prevents them from accepting the role of a victim. At some point, they not only have to confront their enemies but also themselves. Sometimes the characters have strong family influences, other times it is a core group of friends. Though the experiences have all been quite different, the complex journey to find acceptance and trust is a familiar topic for me personally as well as in my writing. 

This year has been a complex personal journey for me once again. My path has narrowed in recent months causing me to address some issues that could not be ignored. My confusion and heartbreak over certain elements in my life need an outlet and writing has always been that venue for me. For those who don't know that among the varied issues weighing on my mind, I plan to say farewell to a loved one in the coming month. I am afraid of the devastation that will rip through me and its aftershocks. Then there are other pressing matters that make me feel bound and trapped in a situation with no solution in sight.

I once heard a luncheon speech by Victoria Alexander that has stuck with me through the years. She remarked that she could torture and kill her enemies in her writing. And the widows in her books would lose their kind or hedonistic husband, Charles, in a simple or macabre death based on how Victoria felt towards her own husband, Charles, at the time she was writing the book.

That all being said, I will try to dedicate some time this month to placing my thoughts to paper. With the way my mind is working at the moment, I can't guarantee that it won't be an angst filled tale or a tearjerker. Of course, as we all know, I can create a plausible sexually charged scene in the most incomprehensible scenarios so maybe I should begin with those and build a story around them. I mean erotica is a hot market at the moment. When I attended a seminar on writing erotica, we were instructed to have a graphic sex scene within the first chapter. I could totally write that.

Now back to the sex toys conversation from the previous post. I could add that component, but most men I know have always been uncomfortable and a bit insecure when sex toys have been mentioned so I'm unsure if this would be a true-to-life element. To make things even more interesting, I recall one of the most contested details about my manuscripts so far have been my character's names. If anyone would care to supply me some names, I'll consider using them. Maybe the names will help dictate the genre of this work. Anyone else interesting in challenging themselves this month?

Technology Driven World

Today became an unintentional experiment concerning whether or not I can live without my handheld devices. Now ladies, get your minds out of the gutter. I know a few of us can't live without those other devices, but today, I'm discussing the more tech-driven devices like our phones and tablets. Though that does raise an interesting topic ... do men have similar discussions as women about sex toys? Sorry, erotica will be the topic of the next post.

Anyways, in my complete and utter disordered confusion this morning, I left the house, minus my cell phone and tablet. It was interesting to discover how my day was influenced by the lack of these daily fixtures. To start, I had a last-minute appointment with my ENT at her office in the Lutheran Hospital complex, which I'm not as familiar with as the Parkview North complex. Without my trusted GPS on my phone, I drove back and forth through the complex which is not arranged sequentially by building address. Since this was a last-minute appointment, I had typed in the time on my phone calendar which I did not have with me, but I was positive I was scheduled for 9:30. After getting lost, I was relieved to arrive at 9:25, only to be told by the receptionist that my appointment was for 9:15.

I never carry books anymore since I have reading material downloaded on my tablet. Print books now inhabit my nightstand for nighttime reading rather than residing in my purse. This wasn't so bad in the reception area where I could watch HGTV but once back in the exam room, all I could do was stare at the walls. If you've ever been in an ENT office, you'll know that they have the examination table and the macabre-looking exam chair and an assortment of non-mentionable paraphenelia. After a rather painful exam, the doc and I discussed the game plan and I was on my way. Don't get me wrong, I have a fabulous ENT. She is thorough, listens, and finds solid solutions. I'm just frustrated by some of the stuff she told me. When preparing to leave, I had to ask for a print out of the doc's instructions because I usually note the details on my tablet in case I get forgetful later. The doc requested I schedule a follow-up appointment but I didn't have my calendar with me to see my availability so I'll have to call back.

Typically after I visit the doctor, I text or call Mich. She's the one who regularly gets to hear all the yucky details but was spared this morning. Heading back to work, I realized there was a problem when the speed limit sign read 60mph. Yep, directionally-challenged Mel was going the wrong direction on 24. Arriving back to work for the second time that morning I was exhausted and desperate for a nap, but my phone serves as my alarm. I know I could have asked Kay to discreetly wake me, but some of the volunteers were talking outside my office so I wouldn't have been able to rest very well and it would have been hard to be discreet with an audience.

On my break, instead of checking my phone or tablet for an update on my incoming emails, I checked via the computer which required me logging into my three separate email accounts, then bouncing between them as I'm still transitioning between my accounts. It made me realize how reliant I had become on my devices streamlining my incoming mail. Though I won't deny that it was nice not having my phone buzz every ten minutes with some random message. As I was leaving for the day, I was informed of another major snafu that raised my ire. I reached for my phone with a plan to text a friend about the situation and to email a colleague for clarification, then realized that I would have to wait until I got home.

After work, I rushed to my evening appointment with my torturer, Steve. As I sat in the waiting area, once again I was reminded that I did not have anything with me to read or to occupy my time except to stare at the walls. Some of you know my dirty secret about why I visit Steve, but you may not know that there has been a slight hitch and I have been seeing Steve every week recently. Though he's my torturer and is extremely blunt, he really is a fabulous guy. Besides not charging me for these extra appointments, he was appalled that for once I did not have my calendar. Since I could not remember which night I work next week, Steve asked the receptionist to schedule me in the morning and evening so that I could consult my calendar and cancel one of the appointments. How awesome is this guy! Of course, I didn't have anything to write myself a note to call back about the appointment since I keep all my notes on my tablet.

At the pharmacy, I discovered that there had been an issue with my new inhaler so there would be a twenty minute wait. As you can imagine, I could not stand the thought of sitting at the pharmacy staring at the walls, so I left without my prescription. If I had my phone, I would have posted on facebook about my frustration at them not having my pills and inhaler as well as there being a delay with my second inhaler. I arrived home to more than thirty emails blinking on my phone along with all my calendar reminders, including the 9:15 ENT appointment. I responded to the emails that required immediate attention, while frantically being aware of the evening slipping away.

Quickly, I texted Mich and discovered that her mom had fallen. Mich is giving everyone fair warning about the clumsiness pandemic, in which I was the first victim. As some of you know, I have been in some pain this week from a nasty fall that was caused by sheer clumsiness. Have I mentioned what a rough week it has been between my bruises, allergies, and the severe narco symptoms? 

So it was an interesting day without my devices. I hadn't realized how much I had come to rely on them, much less the back-log of work that builds up when I'm not monitoring them through the day. Another realization was the connection I have with others via these devices. When upset or frustrated, I can simply send a text and receive a quick response that helps me feel better. Talking things through with a friend in a quick call, can be the uplift for the day. And sharing funny commentary can slip by when not readily communicated. An intriguing lesson for the day!

Mom & Dad's Visit

Mom & Dad

Mom and dad visited this past weekend. Every time I see my parents, it is an emotional experience for me. Part of the emotion stems from regretting the missing time with my mom. The other part of it is my continued anxiety over my mom's health. Then there is the relationship between me and my dad. We have a good relationship now but for many years, we were completely at odds. When I'm with both of them, the dynamic is very intriguing. My mom and I can discuss any topic and our conversations are detailed and very emotional. There is no hesitation in our displays or expressions of affection. On the other hand, my dad and I are very business-like and non-emotional. I can list the times my father has expressed his love for me. The last time I said the words was when my mother-in-law was dying and I wanted my dad to know how I felt. The uncomfortable silence before he reciprocated made it the last time. I know he loves me but it's difficult for him to express his feelings.

Find the cat & dog during the game

The visit was nice, with mom and I looking over family photos and making meals together. Growing up, my sis and mom cooked so I never had that joy making these moments extremely important to me. Dad and I spent a good amount of time watching college football, baseball, and episodes of HIMYM. Dad likes a good argument and we had one concerning FSU's ridiculously high ranking and who was the better conference, the SEC or ACC. It did not help my argument that several of the ranked SEC teams lost their games. Then my dad watched the Red Sox vs. Tigers baseball game. I honestly have no personal interest in baseball but dad was appalled when I cheered for Detroit. Phrases such as "you've gone to the dark side cheering for these MI teams," or "I don't know about you anymore," were uttered until he finally asked, "how can you cheer for Detroit?" I explained that I do it to be supportive of a friend but also because though I don't know anything about baseball, according to Mich, you never cheer for the Red Sox unless they are playing the Yankees, who you never cheer. Dad insisted that Mich had to cheer for Boston, which led to several texts where I proved that I know my girl. Dad and hubby enjoyed some camaraderie over me and Mich being haters. (Pot meet kettle.)

Mom & I researching

There were several deep discussions concerning the various family situations that my parents have encountered on this road trip. Then we spent 90 minutes via speaker phone with my uncle discussing our family research. It felt like being at work, explaining how to analyze documents and the best search methodologies. My mom has offered my "free" research services to two family members and a family friend.

I had been nervous discussing my reticence to visit the family in FL because I was unsure if I could interact with my sister without displaying my hurt feelings. I felt better when at the end of the trip, mom offered to visit whenever I wanted. This allows me alone time with her without a confrontation with my sister. My point was proven when I had a fun conversation with my brother who is thinking about visiting. Mom never expected my brother and I to renew our relationship but he's been clean for several years now which is all I ever wanted of him. My parents' visit was a welcome respite during what has been a chaotic month.

Boys

Warning: This is not a male-bashing post, rather a plea for explanation. For the men in my life, if you're in my life, I think you're a great guy which is why I need some help with understanding these scenarios. I promise I'm not bashing you.

I have documented men behaving badly on this blog a few too many times. When I've asked the males in my life how this behavior is acceptable, I've been told by several people that men think of sex, friendships, relationships, and all around general behaviors differently than women. I have even been told, by a friend who I won't out on this blog, that my dancing and flirty behavior does tell some men that I'm interested though I'm not. But what's truly amazing to me is how some good men make some stupendously bad choices. When Mich and I converse about hubby or my male friends, her almost weekly response is "they're boys and they're dumb!"

So let's share some of these moments that can numb the mind because I would love for someone to explain the behaviors or statements below. Identities have been stripped from these examples so please don't name the individuals in the comments.

- Before a big event, B criticized his wife's outfit. Then commented on another woman's appearance and recommended his wife ask the other woman for advice.

- C informed his wife that she is not his best friend. Spouses can't be best friends because you tell your best friend everything including complaining about your spouse. Also, you can choose your best friends, but you're trapped legally and financially with your spouse.

- D's wife offered to take him to supper after work. D asked his wife to invite her friend that he has a crush on.

- E recommended his wife not wear her wedding ring when she hangs out with friends at a bar. The reason given was E was afraid the ring might get lost.

- F sent his wife on a family trip with the kids, minus him.

Any thoughts on some of these situations? Do men and women view them differently? Each of these situations had a clear explanation from the men involved but none have made sense to us women, so far. So is Mich right? They are boys after all.

A Doozy

N's Homecoming

Last week was a bit of a rough one yet it did have its positive moments such as me receiving these photos. Instead of torturing everyone with every gory detail I'll just synopsis it for you. 

My week began with a motion sensitive migraine so it took a few days for me to accept that I might actually be sick. Mich mentioned that she believed I had the stomach flu which I denied, but was later diagnosed by the doctor. This would be the same doctor who thought it was wise to ask me about my menstrual cycle. 

Then Mom was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and tumors of the parathyroid gland. She will consult with a surgeon after her current road trip. Apparently, this condition can remain undiagnosed for years yet cause enough damage to the body that you're twice as likely to suffer from heart disease and a stroke. Mom wonders if the sudden decline in her health was triggered by this hidden condition. Arterial fibrillation runs in the family so I doubt it, but she needs something to blame, especially as this is yet another genetic condition.

This was preceded by the news that my mom's sister, Kay, was declined from the lung transplant list. Her current prognosis is 18 months or possibly the next infection. This has been very hard for everyone.

So a bit of a rough week. The shining moment of the week though was my conversation with N on Saturday as she prepared for Homecoming. My sister said it meant a lot to N to hear from me. That N had been nervous about the dance but that I had helped. My sis sent me pics which was very nice of her. N is definitely not a little girl anymore.

Motherhood

Curly haired girl

Between pregnancy announcements, hanging out with Erin and the kids, and lengthy discussions with a loved one concerning the options available for those wanting children, parenthood has been a common thread in recent conversations. And of course yesterday, I had yet another doctor ask me about my last menstrual cycle, which caused me to physically flinch and the doc to apologize. Seriously, I can't understand how my primary care's office can't have something in the notes field that states, patient had a hysterectomy but that's a slightly altered conversation than the focus of today's blog post.

Recently, I have become better acquainted with two other ladies who have no interest in becoming mothers, which is somewhat foreign to me. I regularly documented in this blog my ambivalence at having a kid. My final decision was instigated by circumstances rather than a desire to never have children.

Visiting War of 1812 ancestors

Now I would not call myself promiscuous but I was definitely an early bloomer when it came to sex. The price for my misadventures was revealed when at the age of nineteen, I was informed that severe scar tissue limited the possibility of a full-term pregnancy. With my 20% chance of ever having children, I watched numerous friends enjoy healthy pregnancies while I yearned to have a child. Yep, you read that right ... I wanted to be a mother.

I spent a decade figuring I was practically infertile and if some miracle occurred, so be it. Following a laparoscopy, the doctor gave us another shock. My scar tissue had overgrown and shifted my organs causing some severe health complications, so the surgeon burned away all the scar tissue. There was nothing preventing a pregnancy and my chances had increased to 100%. I had undergone the procedure because of other health concerns and fertility had not been a consideration.

N's 1st trip to Busch Gardens

The condition that finally led to my hysterectomy had been suppressed by continuous hormone treatments for more than fifteen years until I maxed out at the legal limit and my symptoms became very apparent. With all these hormone issues, there was a brief window when the docs thought I was pregnant. For more than month, I was monitored and given prenatal care until the heartbreaking phone call informing me that I was not an expectant mother.

All my plans to eventually become pregnant at some point in the vague future became an immediate decision once I was finally diagnosed with my condition. Initially, the docs gave me two years to get pregnant, but my condition accelerated at an alarming rate, increasing my chances of developing cancer. Then the window shrunk to ninety days unless new treatments suspended the condition, but that would only afford me a reprieve for possibly a few more years. Either way, I would eventually require the hysterectomy.

N's 1st trip to Gators

I decided that with the immediate circumstances, I was not prepared to become a mother. The day I met with the doctor to schedule my surgery, I basically lost it. Delia was the recipient of that hysterical phone call and was kind enough to sit with me while I agonized over the situation. The doc refused to perform the surgery because of my state of mind and once again offered me the alternatives in order to prevent cell growth. As most of you know, the treatments failed in some rather spectacular fashions. Who can forget the mild labor pains for more than a month, me going into shock, or the discovery that there was a secondary issue. After months of the emotionally and physically draining treatments, I was ready for it to be over and agreed to the hysterectomy.

Dressing N for Halloween

Do I regret not having kids? Yes and no! It's still that peripheral vague notion. I can't imagine my life if I did have kids. But there are those moments such as the holidays or when I think about the future, when I feel sad that there are no children or grandchildren in my future. I used to take comfort in my relationship with my nieces but my sis has not made contact with them easy for me so I've lost this very important relationship in my life. This was brought home to me this week when my mom informed me that N is attending the homecoming dance this weekend. My curly haired girl has become a young woman and yet I'm reminded that though I've played a large role in her life, I'm not her mother nor am I allowed to participate as much as I would like in her life for the moment.

A Dominatrix

Eighteen months ago, a colleague asked that I participate in a DiSC evaluation with him. This DiSC review was focused on personality traits and preferences in work situations. Anyone can have a predilection towards one of the behaviors being analyzed; Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Conscientiousness; or can be more balanced in their personality styles. As someone who is fascinated with the human psyche and who formerly worked in HR, I believe that our personality traits directly affects how we communicate, behave, and respond in situations. Last week, my manager requested that I participate in this analysis so we could work on our management team's communication and strategy styles.

When I took this evaluation eighteen months ago, my numbers and behaviors were quite different than they were last week. Conscientiousness

2012	Score	2013	Score
Conscientiousness	19	Dominance	21
Influence	17	Conscientiousness	15
Dominance	16	Influence	15
Steadiness	5	Steadiness	6

Why the change? New responsibilities led to a change in my behavior on the job. Most won't believe it, but I can supress my dominant behavior when it's not needed. But if I'm the one held responsible in the end for an outcome, then that trait becomes prevelant. The discussion concerning the different traits and how they interact and communicate was fascinating to me.

A great way to explain these behaviors is:
Influence creates ideas but struggles with acting on those ideas yet are always open to dialog.
Steadiness weighs the options and after a lengthy consideration can make a final decision but does not like to openly admit their ideas/ decisions.
Conscientiousness are the one who like being given a goal and left to work independently on it.
Dominance makes quick decisions, acts on the ideas, questions status quo, and are very results driven.

This description also explains why I'm dominant in my personal life as well. If I care about the outcome then I'm invested 100%. What I find humorous is no one was shocked that my dominance trait was so high. Funny, considering it was not as high more than a year ago. Though I have no plans to start wearing leather and carrying a whip, I accept that people in my professional and personal life think of me as dominant personality. We'll see if this helps improve certain dynamics in my life.

My Summer Project

Back of the house

I know my mom and a few of my Florida pals thought I was crazy to consider a landscaping project. I definitely have a brown thumb and lack the time and patience it takes to maintain plant life. Add in the fact that the pretty plants usually aggravate my allergies and I should be the last person trying to improve their landscaping on their own. I couldn't ignore the need for this project as the grass near the back porch habitually was soggy and sometimes coated in moss, creating an unappealing back yard setting.

Next to the back porch

I am fortunate that my friend, Peggy, has such an amazing affinity for landscaping. Not only did she visit and make a multitude of recommendations, she drew up schematic of our future landscaping, including pics of the plants placed strategically on the drawing so I would know where to plant the bushes. She noted every detail including the number of each plant that should be purchased for this project. Since this pic, we bought more huechera palace purples to fill-in between the hydrangeas and hostas and we special ordered beacon silver lamium, but it arrived too late for us to plant.

Rock garden for planters

Peggy walked the property with us recommending other ideas such as how we could possibly plant around some of the groupings of trees that shade the yard and using planters in strategic places. Though the ground near our porch formed a marshland, hard clay dominated the terrain around the corner. Hubby and I took turns through the summer, digging a ditch through the clay so that we could create a rock garden. Planters of varying sizes and path lighting will be placed along the back of the house next spring.

Roses

The front of our house is an interesting grouping of flowering bushes with one exception ... a monstrous green bush that did not flower and constantly pricked us through our gloves when we tried to trim it. It was off-centered below our large front window and was very unsightly. Digging out the bush and the its roots was a lengthy operation as it used to completely fill this space. We planted roses surrounded by cat mint bushes to replace the former eyesore.

Lilies

You see that was the beauty of Peggy's advice. She took into account my lack of attention and patience in maintaining the landscaping yet balanced it with the variant sunlight exposure and water flow issues around the house. Then she took into account my favorite colors and produced a beautiful arrangement. A few days after we had everything planted, the lilies that inhabited the front landscaping bloomed, showering my yard with an array of colors. And for those who are curious, lilies are my favorite flowers so I was excited by these.

Standing Up to Those Ghosts

Living and working in Florida, I was continuously confronted with ghosts from my past. Hubby used to joke about the fact that while we dated, we regularly ran into men I had previously dated or people who generally despised me. Imagine your "first" being the waiter on one of your first dates. Or the guy who filed a discrimination complaint had seats next to you at a grand opening event. This was my life! And with such a drama-filled time span that included grad school, those ghosts made appearances in my professional life as well. My first week on the job at my previous two employers included someone commenting on "the crazy ex-wife" which was the lovely title given to me by Carol Ann, my ex's final betrayal who also happened to be affiliated with the grad school. Years later, my bio was used as the basis for a job description and when asked by the administrator why I would not apply for my "perfect" job, I had to explain that it was impossible for me to work with those on the current staff. I have avoided library association functions my entire career because of my uncomfortableness with being around certain people.

When nominated to the state leadership institute, I knew there was the possibility of some uncomfortable interactions but never did I imagine Jason, my nightmare, lecturing or sitting beside me at luncheons. These situations were handled with a smiling professional demeanor. No one was aware that my hands trembled or that I took long breaks so I could calm myself. A therapist once explained these reactions to me ... if you've been shot, you're afraid to be near a gun. Rationally, you know that you're safe, yet the object causes fear because all the associated emotions crash through your system.

I know there might be some who are scratching their heads, wondering who is this guy. Jason is my nightmare, who I never discuss. Only three people in my life know the full details of my version of what happened because it's a sick and cruel story. After everything with my ex, it is understandable why I have trust issues, but Jason's actions guaranteed I would refuse to form real friendships with anyone for almost four years until Mich came along. While in grad school, Jason became my defender in those awkward moments with my ex and his new girl, which led to me being a bit more open for the first time in a couple of years. Unfortunately, he was not to be trusted. Lessons I learned from this experience: don't ever associate with someone who is on friendly terms with your enemy; people have their own selfish reasons for being your friend and some of those reasons can be harmful; even when all the facts say your instinct is wrong and possibly insane, trust your instinct over the facts; every smile, frown, statement, opinion, reaction, and expressed emotion can reveal your unspoken secrets to those looking; and any revelation of the real you, your thoughts or feelings, rather than the veneer, means making yourself vulnerable, i.e. friendships equal vulnerability. It may sound harsh, but all of these things and more happened. I can honestly say if hubby and I had not been dating at the time, I would have remained single for a number of years after this experience.

So why am I revealing these limited details after all these years? Because I plan to stand up to these ghosts. I received an invite to a reception in honor of the ten year anniversary of the leadership institute, which was an advantageous experience for me as it altered my career path and provided me a wonderful professional network. My immediate excitement over reconnecting with this group in-person was overshadowed by the realization that I would be expected to interact with Jason once again. Fear at the thought of seeing him, much less having to converse with him as a former colleague, along with a slight fear of him casually remarking on my weaknesses in a public setting were soon overruled by my anger. I will not allow my fear to stop me from attending a function that professionally and personally benefits me. Once I had my mind set on attending, someone reminded me that Carol Ann will also be in attendance. I say ... bring it on! I'm tired of feeling ashamed and humiliated by the situations created by others. I never asked her to sleep with my ex and then disparage me nor did I ask him to mind fuck me.

How serious am I about attending this event? Will I let fear and avoidance control my actions, preventing me from seeing former colleagues and reveling in a celebration of my past achievements? The reception is scheduled for the weekend of NGS, which means vacation requests are not requested unless under special circumstances. Plus, it is the weekend following OGS, which I've had to request as vacation since I'm presenting. I will not back out of attending the anniversary reception since I have already submitted my vacation request. Cheryl, who graduated from the institute the year after me, plans to attend, so I'll have at least one individual in the vicinity should things become uncomfortable.

A Dicey Situation

Hubby and I have a regular discussion concerning who is worse off when it comes to shaving: men or women. Hubby claims that shaving his face everyday is very time consuming and there are concerns with skin irritation and razor burn. I've explained that women have more coverage area to shave than a man, we have the same concerns about skin irritation, and for some unfortunate women, shaving is an everyday occurrence. Eek! I've always let hubby believe I've accepted his argument until the next time the conversation makes an appearance.

Last week, I made a bold proclamation that caused a reaction though. I informed hubby that I was never shaving again. My reasoning ... in the past month I have injured myself three times and the final one may leave a permanent mark. During the conference, I sliced my knee and ankle pretty bad while preparing for the opening social. Thankfully, the nicks weren't noticeable that evening though it created a bloody mess in the hotel room. And while getting ready for some post-conference fun, I smacked my head on the underside of the shelf when rinsing my blade. For days, I had a bruised spot on the back of my head from that incident.

But the finale was while on my mini-vacay, when I slashed diagonally up the back of my calf. It took about half an hour to staunch the wound, which reopened when Mich and I were at lunch. Nothing more appetizing than a dripping bloody wound. Mich got me some Neosporin and bandages, but unfortunately, this wound does not want to heal.Ten days later and I still have what appears to be a healing scratch across my leg. Yes, I know this proves I am an absolute klutz, but we already knew that.

So I feel completely justified in saying that I will not ever shave again. Hubby seems to really be concerned about this as I have received emails and reviews concerning hair removal products. I've reminded him that I can always schedule lengthier sessions with Steve, my torturer, who is wonderful concerning my other beauty regiments, but hubby thinks I spend way too much time and money at the salon as it is.

Obviously, I will continue shaving, but my pronouncement and hubby's reaction proves my point that it is worse for women. Shaving is a requirement for most women because the alternatives are too pricey. Though I'm not a fan of facial hair, a man can grow a beard without comment, but a woman who doesn't remove hair growth will cause a stir. What do you think?