Motherhood

Curly haired girl

Between pregnancy announcements, hanging out with Erin and the kids, and lengthy discussions with a loved one concerning the options available for those wanting children, parenthood has been a common thread in recent conversations. And of course yesterday, I had yet another doctor ask me about my last menstrual cycle, which caused me to physically flinch and the doc to apologize. Seriously, I can't understand how my primary care's office can't have something in the notes field that states, patient had a hysterectomy but that's a slightly altered conversation than the focus of today's blog post.

Recently, I have become better acquainted with two other ladies who have no interest in becoming mothers, which is somewhat foreign to me. I regularly documented in this blog my ambivalence at having a kid. My final decision was instigated by circumstances rather than a desire to never have children.

Visiting War of 1812 ancestors

Now I would not call myself promiscuous but I was definitely an early bloomer when it came to sex. The price for my misadventures was revealed when at the age of nineteen, I was informed that severe scar tissue limited the possibility of a full-term pregnancy. With my 20% chance of ever having children, I watched numerous friends enjoy healthy pregnancies while I yearned to have a child. Yep, you read that right ... I wanted to be a mother.

I spent a decade figuring I was practically infertile and if some miracle occurred, so be it. Following a laparoscopy, the doctor gave us another shock. My scar tissue had overgrown and shifted my organs causing some severe health complications, so the surgeon burned away all the scar tissue. There was nothing preventing a pregnancy and my chances had increased to 100%. I had undergone the procedure because of other health concerns and fertility had not been a consideration.

N's 1st trip to Busch Gardens

The condition that finally led to my hysterectomy had been suppressed by continuous hormone treatments for more than fifteen years until I maxed out at the legal limit and my symptoms became very apparent. With all these hormone issues, there was a brief window when the docs thought I was pregnant. For more than month, I was monitored and given prenatal care until the heartbreaking phone call informing me that I was not an expectant mother.

All my plans to eventually become pregnant at some point in the vague future became an immediate decision once I was finally diagnosed with my condition. Initially, the docs gave me two years to get pregnant, but my condition accelerated at an alarming rate, increasing my chances of developing cancer. Then the window shrunk to ninety days unless new treatments suspended the condition, but that would only afford me a reprieve for possibly a few more years. Either way, I would eventually require the hysterectomy.

N's 1st trip to Gators

I decided that with the immediate circumstances, I was not prepared to become a mother. The day I met with the doctor to schedule my surgery, I basically lost it. Delia was the recipient of that hysterical phone call and was kind enough to sit with me while I agonized over the situation. The doc refused to perform the surgery because of my state of mind and once again offered me the alternatives in order to prevent cell growth. As most of you know, the treatments failed in some rather spectacular fashions. Who can forget the mild labor pains for more than a month, me going into shock, or the discovery that there was a secondary issue. After months of the emotionally and physically draining treatments, I was ready for it to be over and agreed to the hysterectomy.

Dressing N for Halloween

Do I regret not having kids? Yes and no! It's still that peripheral vague notion. I can't imagine my life if I did have kids. But there are those moments such as the holidays or when I think about the future, when I feel sad that there are no children or grandchildren in my future. I used to take comfort in my relationship with my nieces but my sis has not made contact with them easy for me so I've lost this very important relationship in my life. This was brought home to me this week when my mom informed me that N is attending the homecoming dance this weekend. My curly haired girl has become a young woman and yet I'm reminded that though I've played a large role in her life, I'm not her mother nor am I allowed to participate as much as I would like in her life for the moment.