Amazingly Blessed

My friendship with Becky began on my first day with my current employer with me nearly passing out and Becky kindly sitting with me while I recuperated. Over the years she has helped me when I've been in some dicey health situations. During my physical therapy on my elbow, I had to take pain meds which prohibited me from driving, so Becky arranged her schedule so she could take me to the appointments. The night following my surgery, she performed one of the most harrowing acts of any friendship and held my hair away from my face as I tested the bounds of friendship. I know she will be there whenever I need her which I tested again last week. 

I have been suffering from an unrelenting sinus infection which after a round of antibiotics was not improving. The doc decided to try a stronger prescription and in a strange set of circumstances, I suffered from a migraine after the first dose. I was apparently incoherent when speaking to hubby so he came home to check on my condition (for those who might not realize the significance, he left in the middle of a work shift and drove the 90 minutes home). The next morning I felt the after-effects of the migraine but went to work.

Within an hour I started to feel confused and extremely dizzy but soldiered on. Unfortunately my body had other plans for me. As the room completely tilted on me and walking became very difficult,  I nearly passed out. I frantically called hubby to come get me and then Becky, who left the desk so she could comfort and watch over me. I won't deny that she was confronted by a hysterical woman which I feel is understandable considering I couldn't get my mind and body to coordinate. She took charge and addressed all my ranting concerns because of course I was worried about my scheduled meetings and closing the department. She was very vocal against me powering through the past few weeks while sick and not allowing myself bed rest. She knew how to respond to my irrational stubborness all the while, she was calming and soothing. Becky gathered my bags to escort me to the car and we discovered I was not able to walk on my own. We received quite a few looks but I could not have made it, if she had not taken most of my weight. My head was spinning so bad that I couldn't get my balance and my legs were very wobbly. 

That evening, she stopped by to drive hubby back to work so he could pick up my car.  He was left with instructions to not allow me to return to work on Saturday and a few choice comments about me going into work in the first place. Of course, I'm beyond stubborn and went into work on Saturday and was promptly sent home by Delia. She was kind enough to inform me that I looked like death warmed over and that she feared me making it back home. Boy, do they know me. I've shared the story of why I go to work when not feeling the greatest. And to be honest, I rarely feel the greatest anymore. It takes a few hours for me to feel normal on a good day, so I make my way into work, unsure if I'm sick or just having a bad narco day.

Now mind you, I was suffering the remnants of a migraine on Friday and still had the sinus infection, so I could have made it through the day as planned. What I didn't realize at the time was that though I had spent months on this high-powered antibiotic in the past, my body is not able to handle its side effects anymore. One of the side effects is dizziness, but mix that with my narco issues and it caused me to suffer from vertigo.

But in the end, I don't know what I would have done without Becky. I was terrified because I couldn't understand what was going on with my body, but Becky kept me calm and reassured me through the whole ordeal. I'm sure she was questioned later about her inebriated colleague because that is how it must have looked. She, once again, truly saved me in my time of need.

Give and Take

I regularly remark on the give-and-take relationship dynamic because I have been in many situations where I'm the giver and rarely, if ever, is it reciprocated. I do not sustain these relationships with friends and partners but due to family ties, I regularly find myself giving until there is nothing left of me to my family. I have written over the years about my family drama and my tactics for self-preservation yet still question my handling of the situation.

When I visited Florida in January, there was more drama but I washed my hands of it. My sister had not been feeling well and was awaiting test results. Of course, every conversation revolved around this topic and her self-diagnosis. This is one of the reasons I cringe when discussing my health issues. Yes, my health issues affect every aspect of my life, but they do not define who I am. I refuse to use them as a crutch or conversation topic. But my sis enjoys have drama in her life, so I figured this was another issue that she would exploit. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with a thyroid tumor, but a minute one that could not be biopsied. Her blood tests do not show elevated white cell count, hence it's most likely a benign growth.

My final day visiting, I was completely frustrated by the continuous discussion, especially since I rarely get any support concerning my health issues (i.e., Mich drove me to the seminar, no nap time considerations, and repeated late night phone calls). The perfect ending for me was discovering that my family was aware that sis was dating (when she's not supposed to be) a married man. And when I questioned sis about it, she lied to me repeatedly.

Fast forward five months and I have not spoken to my sis. I received several text messages this past week and finally a post on my facebook page saying she needed her older sister. I should have remembered, no good deed ... After listening to my sis rant for a solid five minutes about needing to see a cardiologist; that she has the same heart condition as our mother; and she's not 35 yet, but her body is falling apart on her, I finally lost it. My irate response had to do with the fact that she has not been diagnosed with anything yet; I've been seeing cardiologists since my 20s and have not received the dreaded diagnosis because there are plenty of other minor things that could cause these issues; and maybe she should consider taking better care of herself.  I received the "you just don't understand" response, which infuriated me. I pointed out that if she had ever bothered to contact me in the past six months, she would know that I've had multiple cardiac episodes, currently take medication to regulate my heart rate and that I've had to make major lifestyle adjustments in order to deal with everything.

At the end of this call, I was left feeling empty. Years ago, I was close to my sister, but now, she is a complete stranger. I listened to her, feeling bad that she is facing this uncertainty, yet experiencing it from a distance. The divide between us has widened to a yawning chasm that runs deeper than I ever realized. My siblings have our parents to support them through whatever crisis develops. I have an amazing set of friends, who have become my family to guide me through the rough times. My family has regularly forgotten to call me for the holidays, where as my friends call or message me with greetings. So I was amazed at how unsympathetic I must have sounded to my sis, but I just felt so completely empty while listening to her and couldn't find the words to demand, when is it her turn to worry about me?

What are Your Triggers?

For those who didn't get the memo, I have been a walking zombie the past few weeks as I waded through a severe sinus infection. Keeping my fingers crossed, but I might finally be on the road to recovery ... or another relapse is waiting around the corner. Other people who have been similarly afflicted claim it took two weeks to start to feel human. I'm on day fifteen and it's my first human-like day. While I was suffering through this crud, some people decided it was a good time to throw a few zingers at me. I'm assuming that a hacking woman with a whispered voice was viewed as not threatening, which isn't true.

Recently, a friend called me high-maintenance and I shrugged it off. I actually found myself jokingly using the term as well, until another individual decided it was an apt description for me. Then my hackles went up. I despised this descriptor for years and have insisted my gals not date anyone who uses this term. For me, a woman who values herself highly and expects the same from others or who expects an equal give-and-take in relationships is not high maintenance, but rather maintains a healthy level of self respect. I loved when Delia heard that someone labeled me high-maintenance, she laughed at the ridiculousness of it.

Another word that riles me is bitch. I may comment that I'm being bitchy or acting like a bitch, but don't ever call me that name. Any person who says it is not a friend.

And the trigger for this week was being informed that I was an extreme type-A personality. Don't get me wrong, I am completely type-A, but this person was using it as a negative aspect of my personality. They claimed I could never be a calming influence because of my personality. I'm sure Becky, Erin, and Mich would whole-heartily disagree that I'm incapable of calming someone since they have each been the recipient of my soothing nature and have witnessed the depths of my patience. And so what that I'm type-A? Sorry to inform the world, but we're the ones who are leaders and can make the hard decisions when other people can't.

So there you have it! The three most recent descriptors that have triggered my frustration. What annoys me the most about these situations is why someone thought it was acceptable to make the remarks in the first place. Care to share your triggers?