Another Round of Shock Treatment

Prepare yourselves for a rambling post relating to odd but pleasantly shocking behavior.

One of our most curmudgeonly patrons informed me today that "you look different, you look really nice, which is an improvement." Considering his typical comments, this really was an extremely nice compliment.

I have always thought Sarai was insightful and notices details that others overlook, so I was not shocked when she contacted me this weekend with an extremely personal question. What did shock me were her views on the situation. Sarai perfectly described my situation and has apparently seen the truth of it for a while. Truly, I am impressed!

If you've ever questioned who among your colleagues would be willing to stab you, I actually know the answer. First off, thanks to both Kay S. and Becky who went above and beyond when I had a reaction to the allergy shot. You know I hate asking for help and feeling that vulnerable, but you both put me at ease. Because of the reaction, I had to send an email to my colleagues letting them know where I keep my EpiPen in case I went into shock. Though it was an informational email, the one colleague who never responds said, "No problem. Glad to help."

Miss Red Scarf and I saw Elky Summers perform this weekend. Elky is a good band for me at the moment. Angsty girl band performing songs about impotence, lost loves, death, and craziness seem fitting. And Miss Red Scarf, I listened to "Who's Driving Baby" this morning and have decided I really do like how the song teases with a slow build-up before crashing into the heavy beat, plus Kay G. sounds sultry when drawing out some of the lyrics. Just saying! Which is fitting considering that I felt the need to remark that she looked gorgeous the other night. Her secret: snuggling with the man she loves. I think my brain glitched for a moment when she said it. Wild rocker gal discussing snuggling, in detail! Thankfully, the band's new song maintains a grungy sound, so everything is okay with the world as long as there are no love ballads in the future.

And speaking of hitting on women. A mark of a true friend is knowing that an incident is about to spark a rumor so you willingly step into the breach. If anyone hears about me and the other woman. Yes, she's real and a wonderful friend.

Amazingly Blessed

My friendship with Becky began on my first day with my current employer with me nearly passing out and Becky kindly sitting with me while I recuperated. Over the years she has helped me when I've been in some dicey health situations. During my physical therapy on my elbow, I had to take pain meds which prohibited me from driving, so Becky arranged her schedule so she could take me to the appointments. The night following my surgery, she performed one of the most harrowing acts of any friendship and held my hair away from my face as I tested the bounds of friendship. I know she will be there whenever I need her which I tested again last week. 

I have been suffering from an unrelenting sinus infection which after a round of antibiotics was not improving. The doc decided to try a stronger prescription and in a strange set of circumstances, I suffered from a migraine after the first dose. I was apparently incoherent when speaking to hubby so he came home to check on my condition (for those who might not realize the significance, he left in the middle of a work shift and drove the 90 minutes home). The next morning I felt the after-effects of the migraine but went to work.

Within an hour I started to feel confused and extremely dizzy but soldiered on. Unfortunately my body had other plans for me. As the room completely tilted on me and walking became very difficult,  I nearly passed out. I frantically called hubby to come get me and then Becky, who left the desk so she could comfort and watch over me. I won't deny that she was confronted by a hysterical woman which I feel is understandable considering I couldn't get my mind and body to coordinate. She took charge and addressed all my ranting concerns because of course I was worried about my scheduled meetings and closing the department. She was very vocal against me powering through the past few weeks while sick and not allowing myself bed rest. She knew how to respond to my irrational stubborness all the while, she was calming and soothing. Becky gathered my bags to escort me to the car and we discovered I was not able to walk on my own. We received quite a few looks but I could not have made it, if she had not taken most of my weight. My head was spinning so bad that I couldn't get my balance and my legs were very wobbly. 

That evening, she stopped by to drive hubby back to work so he could pick up my car.  He was left with instructions to not allow me to return to work on Saturday and a few choice comments about me going into work in the first place. Of course, I'm beyond stubborn and went into work on Saturday and was promptly sent home by Delia. She was kind enough to inform me that I looked like death warmed over and that she feared me making it back home. Boy, do they know me. I've shared the story of why I go to work when not feeling the greatest. And to be honest, I rarely feel the greatest anymore. It takes a few hours for me to feel normal on a good day, so I make my way into work, unsure if I'm sick or just having a bad narco day.

Now mind you, I was suffering the remnants of a migraine on Friday and still had the sinus infection, so I could have made it through the day as planned. What I didn't realize at the time was that though I had spent months on this high-powered antibiotic in the past, my body is not able to handle its side effects anymore. One of the side effects is dizziness, but mix that with my narco issues and it caused me to suffer from vertigo.

But in the end, I don't know what I would have done without Becky. I was terrified because I couldn't understand what was going on with my body, but Becky kept me calm and reassured me through the whole ordeal. I'm sure she was questioned later about her inebriated colleague because that is how it must have looked. She, once again, truly saved me in my time of need.

Drinking Habits

A round of double shots

I admit that I enjoyed being a social drinker. A glass of wine over a pasta dinner. A Godiva martini at Cork 'n Cleaver. Shots when celebrating GNO. It was all in good fun. I do not require alcohol to have a good time, but admit to missing the taste of certain drinks, the soothing relaxing feeling, and experimenting with new drinks.

Not that I'm known for being a drinker, but I have a rep for being the gal who'll share a drink with most people. It can't be helped. I'm a social butterfly who has few limitations. Because of this, I've had several remarks made in the past 18 months about my non-alcoholic choices. Though I still go out for drinks with people, I now order sodas or water instead of my usual.

Typical behavior

I've had one individual ask me if I had become a teetotaler while another person wondered if I had a "problem." I find people's fascination over my decision to not drink curious. Other people in our social group do not imbibe alcohol, so why is it so startling that I order sodas rather than a kamikaze shot. Trust me, this decision impacts me more than others.

I was told the other week, for what felt like the millionth time, that I could have at least one drink. And this was from someone I respect. I typically explain that I'm on meds that have an adverse reaction to alcohol. Since I don't openly discuss my condition, people must think I mean something minor. Besides the FDA declaration that it is dangerous to mix minute amounts of alcohol with the meds, my reason for not drinking is more complex. Having a downer, like alcohol, in my system inches my brain closer to REM. Narcos slip into REM so quickly that we can do it while awake which triggers hallucinations. Considering that cough medicine has triggered some crazy hallucinations, I have no plans to drink anytime soon.

Shots and the Bucket
Jo's 30th Birthday

I understand that I'm the fun-time gal who is always good for a stop at the bar, but that isn't influenced by the drinks I order. I never required alcohol to flirt, have deep conversations, get up on stage and sing along or hit the dance floor. These are actions that I can do stone-cold sober. Call it a quirk, but I have a crazy uninhibited personality. So I will remain the good-time girl without the alcohol though I admit to missing a nice glass after work.

I Am Grateful For ...

This week has been interesting. Returning to work after being gone for two weeks, balancing the new dose and its effects, returning to my normal routine, trying to be a supportive friend, and reminding myself of the family I have created, has all contributed to me feeling a tad bit overwhelmed. So here are the things that get me through my day. They are the things that I am grateful for during this first week of April.

1. Hubby - James has been amazing. I have been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster because once again I was forgotten by my family. For those keeping count, this is the fourth holiday in the past few months. The other week, James truly listened to my concerns and helped me see the clearer picture that was eluding me involving a problem. Then when I had my accident, he never once mentioned money. This has to be the first time he has ever placed something else before money. And then this week, he lightened my days by sending several humorous emails.

2. Mich - Mich and I are too much in sync at times. Our conversation the other night was once again a comedic event. I was explaining to her about Florida's loss in the Elite Eight game. Mich knows nothing about basketball. This was interspersed with her commentary on the Rays baseball game that she was watching. Baseball is a foreign language to me. Anyone listening to us would question our sanity. Later when we discussed her June visit, she asked if we had plans for that weekend. My classy response was "the only thing I planned was for us to sit on our asses and hang out except for hitting the bar on Friday or Saturday with Becky and Erin." Of course, she readily agreed with my plans. Mich and I regularly take big trips but we also love those moments when we sit around chatting and amazingly enough, we seem to never run out of things to discuss.

3. My Friends - You know who you are. The weekly emails, texts, and talks that make me laugh are so worth it. A friend saying they understand, they miss you, or they love you goes a long way. Now, if only we can coordinate GNO, all the stars will be aligned.

4. Meds -Ask me how many beta-blockers I have taken in the past ten days? None! Isn't that wonderful? Then there was the conversation with the nurse about my other meds. I had already decided not to participate in the drug treatment recommended by my specialist. Though my support group has discussed issues with this drug, I was not clear on the specifics about the medication. While waiting for more paperwork this week, the nurse informed me that my decision not to take the meds might be for the best. I would have been required to have regular monitoring for months because the drug has the same chemical compound as the date rape drug. Of course, I looked up the drug and found it's clinical name is sodium oxybate. You may know it as GHB. This might have been helpful to know earlier in the discussions.

5. Weather - It has been beautiful outside. I've enjoyed the cool breeze and sunshine, which has prompted the return of some guests. The fat squirrel who entertained me this past fall is now digging up my yard in search for his buried food. It is quite hilarious to watch. The birds are returning as well and have been taking walks around the yard. Hopefully, the weather will remain nice for a while as I've commandeered Peggy to advise me on some of my landscaping. She offered several solutions that were new concepts to me. What can I say? Peggy is brilliant!

Love My Gals

Day 3, Tuesday

9:00 am - 12:00 pm Though I went to bed late and should have slept-in longer, I was excited about my lunch date. My morning slipped away quickly while I completed paperwork for a Dr.'s appointment and played in the snow with Bartle. I love watching him dive in and hide so that his eyes and nose are the only things that distinguish him from the snow.

12:00 pm - 1:15 pm While waiting for the gals, I watched SportsCenter and listened to the people at the next table who were discussing the Florida vs. FGCU match-up. I admit that I am not a Billy Donovan fan. Just as I will forever be a Spurrier fan due to a personal interaction, the opposite can be said of Donovan. My lunch with Becky and Erin was way too short but definitely needed. I wish we had more time together.

When driving to Dr. S's office, I'm usually coming from the opposite direction but was positive that I could navigate the one way streets towards Lake Ave. Of course, I'm directionally challenged and should have known better. I went the wrong direction and went too far northeast and had to use the GPS to make my way back.

1:15 pm - 3:00 pm Dr. S is my specialist and the one I credit with saving me by listening and properly diagnosing me. On this visit, he addressed all of my concerns but I felt he didn't listen and I was very frustrated by the time I left. He asked very targeted questions, but was a bit biased in his views to my statements and concerns. He is working with my insurance company to get me on a new treatment, one that requires me to be closely monitored by a pharmacist and a neurologist who specializes in this medication. Several people in my support group have tried this treatment so I'm aware of the positives and pitfalls and have many legitimate concerns. I've agreed to meet with the neurologist in order to discuss my options. Mich reminded me later that I am a unique snowflake so I may not have the same issues as other people. Love ya, Mich!

My frustration with the doc stemmed from his continuous disregard of my chest pressure and pains, the denial that my insomnia symptoms were stemming from too much stimulant and adrenaline kicks, and the remark that my energy flux is caused by me not properly handling my stress. He recommended a psychiatrist, which made my head explode. I wholeheartedly believe in therapy and have seen a variety of professionals over the past twenty years but that doesn't answer my question: when working a variety of shifts and having physically draining days or low productive days, how can I balance the conditions and better deal with this roller coaster of energy I appear to be on? Controlling stress is not the final answer.

3:00 pm - 4:30 pm Recently, Amy joked that I am high maintenance since I had to check my luggage because my beauty products did not fit in a quart-sized bag when I flew to SLC. After my disturbing appointment with the doc, I deserved some pampering and it's Clinique Bonus Time. Please tell me that other women have multiple make-up color options based on how they feel on that particular day.

I felt fine while running errands, but then the frustration hit me when I stopped at Walgreens. Sometimes the frustration explodes like a cork and I start crying. Thankfully, Mich answered the phone and listened as I sat in the parking lot and vented my anger, fear, and exhaustion at the idea of convincing another doctor that I truly know my body and mind, especially the doctor who had finally given me proof that I had a legitimate condition.

4:30 pm - 12:00 am Upon returning home, Bartle and I played in the yard which was now a mud pile. There is nothing more fun than cleaning a muddy white puffball (haha). I decided to push myself and worked out for more than 90 minutes. Adrenaline kicked in making it difficult to sleep, leading to another long night and some truly sore muscles. On the positive side, I had some hot dates during the late hours as I caught up on my guilty pleasures, i.e. t.v. shows.