Delinquent

Things have been a bit crazy, hence I haven't posted in a while. Which is kind of funny considering I have several post ideas on my to-do list. Over the next month or so, I probably won't post that often because I'm a bit overwhelmed at the moment. But please keep checking back to see if I've had some words of wisdom to share.

 

In the past few weeks, I've had lots of things to share. Including a fun night out with the gals to see Elky perform while a video was being made. Which reminds me of my college days when Sister Hazel filmed their video "All for You." Becky and Erin are so amazing. They even had roses delivered in honor of the new office. This was a first for me since I've never had flowers delivered at work. Steve's retirement party was a lot of fun, thanks to a lot of hard work on Dawne's part. She put together an amazing slideshow highlighting his career. Yep, there were a few tearful moments including Steve's mom and wife separately telling me his real feelings about my role as his successor. Then there were the belly-clenching laughs thanks to the slideshow and speeches. Afterwards, several of us went to dinner together, including our boss. The next day, Dawne had chocolates and a balloon waiting for me when I began the move into my new digs.

 

I bought myself a new promotional gift, a Google Nexus Tablet. I have to admit, I don't know how I lived without one. It has helped me stay more organized during this transition. The rest of my time has been filled with emergency vet trips at 1:00 in the morning with Bartle, my own joyful doc appointments, including a dental procedure that is still bruised, and a switch in my meds. For those who recall how hard it was for me to adjust to the dosage last year, well here we go again. It's been a real struggle. Add in stress and I have become a vegetable on the couch who sleeps a lot. I'm waiting for my body to adjust so I can experience the new normal but right now, I'm just exhausted all the time.

 

There are some definite perks. The narco doc informed me that I was eight pounds lighter than last year. And though I'm wading my way through all the details of my new job, I'm also excited by some of the new challenges. Once again, I'm reminded of how blessed I am in my friends. The upcoming weeks include Sarai's holiday dinner and caroling, Holiday Pops with Becky (I have wanted to go since we moved here), and Becky's birthday dinner with Erin and Becky.

 

And hubby is being wonderful through this whole process. He will be volunteering in the department over the holidays so I get two weeks with him at home. He's also been sweet in helping me move all the living room furniture multiple times so we could decorate for the holidays. And recently, he has put my nightlights out. I am afraid of the dark as anyone who has roomed with me can attest. I've always slept with some form of a nightlight but hubby requires total darkness to sleep. Over the years, he has turned off my nightlight so he can asleep which has led to a few problems like the time I walked into the door frame and cut my brow. Our new home has lots of trees and lacks street lights so it is really dark. With me being so exhausted lately, I haven't placed all the nightlights around the house before bed. In the morning, I can't help but smile when I see the path of lights he has created for me.

 

Whew, wiping my brow from sharing the past few weeks. Hopefully, things will wind down enough that I'll be able to write more posts. Until then, please don't remove me from your readers.

The Twilight Hour

The Gals at Breaking Dawn 2

I've never been embarrassed to admit that I am a Twi-hard. My reason for enjoying the phenomenon is the camaraderie I share with my gals, Becky and Erin. When I joined the frenzy alongside my gals, it became our annual date night. There have been many disagreements between us over the years concerning the books' story lines and the movies, but every year, we have been steadfast and attended the weekend premiere of each movie. Pregnancy, ailments, trips out of town, and break-ups did not prevent us from attending five opening weekends together.

And I am not the only one to enjoy this unexplained camaraderie. My mom took my niece, N, to a full-day event where they showed the first four movies leading up to the midnight premiere. Though I thought the story was inappropriate for N when she was younger, mom and N have bonded over the books and movies so who am I to say anything. No one can deny that N will never forget this shared experience with her grandmother.

The Gals & Baby I at New Moon

As for my little group, the final movie led to another divisive discussion in the parking lot. For those who have read the books and think, I know what happens in the final segment, the screenwriters heard the book readers' complaints about the final book. Since the book is based on one character's point of view, there were many complaints concerning the motivations and decisions in the battle sequence. Thankfully, the screenwriters addressed this concern leading to an interesting twist in the finale. It was one of those WTF moments that caused a stir in the theater. I'm the vocal one in our group, but it was Erin who stated quite clearly, "I don't like this," during one scene. Don't get too upset! They did not change the movie, but provided a more universal point of view that could not be conveyed in the book. Of course, among the three of us, we have a difference of opinion on whether this was a wise move on the movie producer's part. I thought it was brilliantly done because it definitely got a reaction and provided a more entertaining and understandable sequence than in the book.

This will conclude another fun and wonderful experience with my gals as we say goodnight to the Twilight series.

Feelin' the Love

You'd think my friends would celebrate my promotion. I'm not asking for a parade or anything, but a night out or a celebratory drink. Instead I receive this little note on my desk.

My current desk is coveted. It's far enough away from the action, yet it's close to the other staff and has a fabulous view. And a certain someone has been trying to take over my desk for years. It began simply with the decorations. Every holiday, this someone would string lights around my area, which I thought was nice. Then they began to pile their belongings on top of our shared wall. I shrugged at this as well, but now comes the note. I promise to leave the desk as clean as the new office I am acquiring. If you've ever been in that office, you know how telling this statement is.

I guess we both plan to spend December 1st moving! Love ya, Dawne! I'll make sure to leave behind all of Elaine and Mary's leftovers which I never cleaned out when I moved to this desk.

It's Called The News

I've been a bit quiet lately, but I promise there is a reason and it is a good one. As everyone knows, October is a crazy time for me and this year will go down in history as the most intense Family History Month to date. Besides the typical mayhem, I was a bit late in finishing some of my new lectures for the month. Okay, I'll be honest. I finished writing some of my lectures the day before I presented them. Considering I am not a procrastinator and hate working against a deadline, this was torture for me. My excuse for this odd behavior is the eight-week Genes program that I developed with the fabulous Peggy required new lectures every week but I am extremely proud of this program as Peggy and I managed to keep thirteen teenagers engaged in genealogical research for a two month period.

The final week of October was even more intense due to my parents visiting, which was wonderful but obviously emotional. I had also been trying to get everything organized for hubby and I to visit New Jersey for a research trip. Hubby lived there until he was six so he wanted to visit his hometown while I did courthouse research for his Polish ancestors. This was a case study for one of my January lectures, but Hurricane Sandy decided to cancel our vacation by forcing New Jersey into a state of emergency. This all worked out for the best because hubby and I spent our entire vacation finishing all of our outdoor projects instead.

Among all these activities, I managed to fit in time for a job interview. Yep, you read that correctly. The thing I've refused to discuss openly for the past few months is now making an appearance on my blog. Of course, the job interview was the day after my parents left, so mom and I did practice interview sessions while they visited. And the interview was the same day I gave one of my new lectures along with being the final session of the Genes program. I won't deny large amounts of caffeine were consumed through the day.

But all the chaos of the past month has a grand finale ... I am the new assistant manager of The Genealogy Center!

Shhh! I Am Superman!

I was in the midst of switching from my sunglasses to my regular glasses while I dashed into work yesterday when the guard stopped me to ask for my badge. Later, the guard remarked that she had not recognized me because I'm like Clark Kent and look quite different without my glasses. She is not the first to make this comment as evidenced by a previous post.

Now I've tried to deny that I'm a vain person but if you've ever seen me get ready in the morning, you know I have an assortment of products and a regiment to beautify myself. I am finally willing to admit that I want to look my best and may be a little vain.

I have my annual eye appointment in the coming weeks and am debating once again trying contacts. I have not had the best of luck since I take daily allergy medication which can cause dry eyes. At the same time, my allergy issues have been causing severe swelling which has created problems with my glasses. A few years ago, I bounced between glasses and contacts but finally decided to switch back to glasses because of the meds for the bladder injury which I no longer take.

I pay for new lenses every year since my prescription changes annually so cost is not necessarily a factor in this decision because I'm always having to buy new lenses for both my glasses and sunglasses. It truly comes down to vanity. I know several of you have struggled with switching back and forth between glasses and contacts. What do you think? Should I give it another go? Or will it confuse too many people since obviously, I'm Superman and unrecognizable without my glasses?

Nano Time

Tomorrow begins NanoWrimo! 30 days of writing mayhem! And of course, my fabulous writing pals are ready to challenge themselves. Unfortunately, no one accepted my invitation to participate in the national contest. Oh well! I'll just write another high caliber, highly erotic tale of ??? This is the critical question for tomorrow. What do I plan to write? What story is lurking in my mind, seeking an outlet? I've been editing my infamous manuscript. The last two Nanos were mash-ups of the continuing tale that I began in my manuscript, but those are waiting for me to finish editing the original story. I need to give this some thought.

Group goals:
Melissa - Finish 50,000 word manuscript.
Sarai - Work on writing for 30 minutes a day.
Aisha - Work on writing for 30 minutes on workdays and 90 minutes on her days off.
Dawne - Continue her family history project.
Kay - Finish 5,000 words in a story.

We're still missing some members of the group, but this is a great start. Maybe if we all accomplish our goals this month, we can convince Aisha to visit and have another writer's dinner.

For Those Who Think About Relationships

I am always seeking marital advice because it is hard work to sustain a marriage/ relationship for decades. It requires a lot of adjustment, compromise, love, and communication. Considering hubby and I live separately during the week, we have an added hurdle to our relationship. To keep myself on the right path and focused, I read relationship/ marital blogs.

This post caught my eye and I had to share. Once you get past the explanation for the post, he explains the 16 Ways He Blew His Marriage and how we can mess up our own. I think the writer is spot on with his advice because as a certain someone always tells me, it's the little things that add up and cause conflict in a marriage.

Poker Face

Fine, I won't bore the majority of you with talk of college football this Monday except to say, how awesome are those BCS Rankings! Florida is ranked #2 this week. Now, don't get me wrong, I expect my team to flounder along the way and drop down in the rankings, but for now, I'll bask in the joy.

So onto the topic of today's blog post. Recently, one of our volunteers told me that I should never consider a career in the FBI, CIA, NSA, etc. because my every thought shows on my face. My response was, at least you know where you stand with me. I readily admit to having an expressive face. Dawne, Delia, and Kay continuously comment on my facial expressions during our morning meetings, yet these are situations where I am not required to hide my feelings.

Sorry to tell everyone, I was taught at an early age how to bluff my way through a poker game and the skill has come in handy over the years. For those who know some of the situations I've dealt with, how do you think I managed to get through my days? It is how I am capable of interacting with a patron who upsets me because I can easily slip into neutral mode, where none of my emotions or thoughts show. Personally, I prefer being up front with my feelings rather than hiding them. For those who have seen me when I'm furious, you know I like to vent my anger and move on. Honestly, it's a preferable method for me because it's cathartic. Now imagine all of my heightened emotions bottled up behind a stony shell. Trust me, the ice bitch is scarier.

The day after the conversation with our volunteer, our morning meeting was a minefield for me. Several comments were made about the current job posting in which I could feel several gazes shift my way, but I did not react. (No, I'm not willing to publicly discuss the job posting.) This was followed by someone questioning why cookie man does not deliver cookies anymore. Someone sitting directly across from me answered that his interest was not returned. Once again, I kept a straight face, even when for a brief moment someone queried his interest.

Though I am an honest person and prefer for people to know how I feel, there is a time and place for having an expressive face but I am more than willing to pull out the poker face as needed. It also comes in handy while bluffing your foes through a round of "You Must Be an Idiot!" and "Things in a Box."

Perfect Description

Honestly, very few people know my diagnosis because there are too many facets to this disorder and I'm not comfortable with sharing. I have been struggling with my narcolepsy the past few months. One week, I'll feel like an adrenaline junkie. The next week, I'm completely exhausted. One week, I'll go to bed in a timely manner. Another week, I'll spend hours unable to sleep though I'm physically beyond my limit. At times, I try to express my frustration with the situation but I can't articulate how exhausted I feel. When talking to friends and family, many acquaint it with just being tired when it is so much more. And I know people don't realize how insensitive this comment is but my blood pressure rises every time I say I'm exhausted and someone remarks to me that they are exhausted as well. I want to scream, "really?" at them. Julie Flygare, an advocate for narcolepsy research, describes it best on her blog post, Sleep's Choice.

"It’s been said that an average person would have to stay awake for 48 to 72 hours straight before they would feel the same violent call to sleep I experience daily ... Imagine being hungry but denied food for 48 to 72 hours. I’ve never gone so long without eating, but I would expect that the experience would reach dark places of mental and physical anguish. If I spoke to someone who hadn’t eaten in 48 to 72 hours – I wouldn’t say, “I know how you feel” because I missed breakfast yesterday." - excerpt from JulieFlygare.com

I've tried explaining my condition but I lack the words to fully express the everyday obstacles, but Julie has written a beautiful piece on her experiences with the disorder. Narcolepsy symptoms vary in their intensity for each person so I do not suffer through everything she describes, but a good portion of her article could describe me.

Slowly but Surely

The bedroom before

Our bedroom

The living room before

Our living room

The house appears to be coming together. Hopefully soon, I'll be able to come home and relax rather than trying to cross another item off my to-do list. I know there will always be something requiring work on the house, but right now, I'd love to feel like the place is where I want it to be for the moment.

Photos are still waiting to be placed on the wall and some of our living room furniture is in Muncie, but things are looking good. The bedroom walls are a darker cream than what we used in the living space and in my opinion, looks a bit peachy, though my gals tell me it is not peachy. It is a vast improvement to the grayish white walls that required two cleanings. I was concerned with a peach color clashing with my purple bathroom. Yep, I went with an array of purples, ranging from lavender to indigo, in my bathroom and it looks amazing.

Once we covered the red wall in the living room, it was scary to realize that the green wall was also dark. Peggy can attest that the room size appeared to greatly expand thanks to the lighter color. I prefer lighter walls and dark furnishings so I'm proud of how this turned out. We took down her red sheer curtains and installed a set of blinds and an arch covering. We are planning to purchase different curtains for the bedroom and some to cover the massive living room window for the winter. Blinds may be lovely but are not very energy-efficient.

Did anyone else notice the Where's Bartle theme in the photos?

The Awesomeness of October

With the transition into fall, the release of pumpkin flavored everything, and the return of college football, I've always thought September was my favorite month, while October has been an insane month for me the past few years because it is my month to shine at work since we offer programming everyday. Somehow every year, I seem to forget that October is awesomeness!

Why, you may ask. This weekend exemplifies it all. I discovered pumpkin flavored LaCreme coffee, enjoyed some pumpkin cheesecake, and the trees in my yard changed color, greeting me with lovely oranges and reds on Saturday morning. But the main reason October is so amazing is because within the first few weeks, there is usually a dramatic upset in the college football rankings. I know half the group has decided to quit reading at this point which is fine, but OMG! this weekend was fantastic!

To begin this tale, I have to admit my shock that the Gators (#10) managed to defeat LSU (#4). The only advantage we had over the other team was playing at the Swamp rather than Death Valley. The first half of the game was extremely painful for both me and hubby, who informed me that we needed more rugs because of all my shouting echoing through the house. The Gator defense held back the LSU offense, but the Gator offense didn't understand that we were supposed to move forward rather than backwards across the field. In the first quarter, Florida rushed 13 yards and passed for zero. Zero! which is completely mind-blowing for this fan from the days of the Fun 'n Gun offense. The worst play was the Three Stooges act that took place right before halftime, when more than one Florida player dived for a fumbled ball that was once again moving backwards and then was recovered by LSU. Warily, I watched the second half of the game and thoroughly enjoyed seeing the Florida offense finally arrive and beat LSU.

My cousin drove from Baltimore to attend the Georgia (#5) vs. South Carolina (#6) game. I'm so proud of her, since she was tailgating and sitting with some Gamecocks who blazed their way past Georgia. In honor of her attending a SEC game, I watched WVU (#8) slide by Texas (#11) while agonizingly flipping over to the Ohio State (#12) vs. Nebraska (#21) game. I despise Nebraska yet cheered for them early on when they were leading against that traitor at Ohio State, but the 2nd half was too painful to watch since I honestly couldn't cheer for either team. And the honor for best upset of the weekend goes to FSU (#3) losing to unranked NC State. This gal was doing the happy dance at this loss.

This is why I love college football. It is utter chaos and mayhem and then everything begins to make sense. AL is ranked #1, SC is ranked #3, Florida is ranked #4, and LSU is ranked #10 today, placing the SEC in three of the top five slots. And FSU, the team I always felt did not belong in the top ten, has slipped down in the rankings. This is a great week!

My Living Space

Silver kitchen

Cream back splash

Red room

Dining

Several people have asked for pictures of the changes to the house. As much as I love pics, I always feel they don't reflect the authenticity of the caption. For example, no matter what lighting I used, the walls of the house look white in these photos, yet they are a warm cream color.

For the kitchen, we used a glossy paint to cover the glaring aluminum back splash. It brightened the kitchen and doesn't clash with the stainless steel appliances. When taking pics of the house, I felt like I was playing Where's Waldo because each of the animals made an appearance. Yes, Cleo lies on the kitchen counter, but I have a legitimate reason for allowing this behavior. Bartle is allergic to her food so the counter is the one place where we can feed Cleo and not have a medical issue.

Notice in the dining area, the atrocious gold and glass chandelier that hung at a ridiculously low level, probably because it weighed a ton. The chandelier has been replaced with lovely track lighting. The red wall which made the room feel dark and small is gone and replaced with a cream wall featuring my photography. Yep, those are my travel photos enlarged and framed. I love the dark red wood high-top table and the accent rug that matches.

I'll post pics of the living room and bedroom soon.

Five Years

Five years ago today, I walked through the doors not realizing that my life would be forever changed. Five years ago I found a home, a community, a group of like-minded individuals who understood my passions and my dreams. Five years ago I met the people who would become my family, my loved ones. Five years ago I began the next stage in my career and discovered instead an amazing group of friends and that my dreams could become reality. Thanks for the past five years.

What is Love

Recently a friend asked our group if we believed in lasting love between couples. She declared her belief in unconditional and pure love for a child but said she watches older couples holding hands and questions whether they're just content and going through the motions or are they still in love with each other.

Thankfully someone else spoke up because I wasn't comfortable with my thoughts. I have friends in each of these categories: those who are happily in a relationship, albeit with occasional issues; those who are unhappy in their relationship, but stay for their own reasons; those who have been hurt in the past and have no interest in a relationship; and those who are still active in the dating scene. Personally, I have a very warped or some may say realistic view of marriage and love.

I've had several great loves in my life but had romantic relationships with only two of those individuals. (For those doing the math, I admit to several lustful situations which doesn't count as great loves.) The other great loves are/ were friends. I don't believe in true love or the idea that there is one perfect person out there for me. Depending on where I'm at in life, I'm positive there are multiple individuals who would be my perfect mate for that moment who would not be a comfortable fit years down the road. I feel everyone is forever changing and evolving based on the events in their lives. For myself, I hope to grow as a person and not become stagnant and bored with life, which has led to me not being the person hubby dated a decade ago. I think it's too much pressure to expect your partner to never change and to remain that person who you initially fell in love with or to expect his/ her interests and personalities to be perfectly compatible with yours for decades. With marriage, you make a commitment and it's a question of how much do you care for this person? And yes, I believe love is cyclical and couples fall in and out and back in love with each other over time. I have yet to meet the perfect couple who has broken me of this belief. If you know of one, let me know.

So I'm unsure if those older couples are still in love. I hope they are in love, but I also recognize that there is nothing wrong with contentment and companionship either. What do you think? Is there such a thing as true love or the perfect partner? Do you believe love lasts forever and couples shouldn't fall out of love? And this doesn't even touch on the idea that each of us may define love differently.

NaNo Preparation

Editing the manuscript

In the past few weeks I've had at least three people ask me if I plan to participate in NaNoWriMo this year. My answer to this is hell yeah! I have something to prove this year after failing to meet the 2011 goal. I am 100% positive if I had not come down with the dreaded plague, I would have finished my manuscript in time. And this year I do not have 6 lectures and a family trip planned so there are no barriers to winning 2012. Recently I unpacked my reviewed manuscript and have started reading the print version and making the necessary corrections. Editing the print version versus the electronic edition makes a world of difference. Though I will have to write something new for NaNoWriMo, my desire to write these types of stories has been renewed. 

So I say bring it on! I'm up for the challenge! Are you? Is anyone else up for a writing challenge? Do you want to prepare for NaNoWriMo or work on other writing? Then send me an email and I'll coordinate our fall writing group for October and promise to cheer everyone on. Goals can include research, outlines, word counts, editing, and family research objectives. 

And for those daring enough to participate in NaNoWriMo in November, not only will you have the pleasure of me as your writing cheerleader, but the enticement of DeBrands chocolate.

The Bathroom List

Aisha and I recently had a discussion concerning the fact I have a bathroom list. This list helps me recall some crazy adventures because they are forever marked in my memory thanks to the association.

The Interesting Ones

H&G - My department in Florida was History & Genealogy but our bathroom became known as Hump & Grind after some services were performed by a library page.

Traxx - My first over-18 club in Ybor. Since the majority of the clientele was gay and it offered one of the best transvestite shows, all the restrooms were unisex. It was a real eye-opener for me.

Mallory Hall - One would think living in an all-girls dorm would not be adventurous, but the bathroom escapades were legendary.

Milford Outhouse - 4 days of hiking with periodic outhouses available and a law against using nature while altering between marshes and glacier-tipped mountains, which required many layers of clothing. I highly advise stripping off the long johns out on the trail rather than trying it in the outhouse.

HATM - My favorite place with my Florida friends. The signs read "sit 2 p" and "stand 2 p."

The Odd Bathrooms

Aisha's pic

The orange bathroom - Aisha posted this pic of the bathroom at her new library, which spawned this discussion. I first viewed the pic while Dawne, Delia, and I were about to leave our hotel room for Librarian's Day in Alabama.

The blue bathroom - This was in a jazz club in Ybor one night when Mich and I were trying to find some good music. The light was blue along with everything else.

The silver bathroom - This was at Coyote Ugly in Ybor with Mich when we kept returning for $1 shots. The walls and floors looked like the silver patterned material used in the bed of a truck.

Birmingham "get cozy" bathroom - Hanging out with Mich, Alyssa, and Kris after the AL vs. MI game. The sinks were in an alcove/ back area of the bar and instead of opening the door to a urinal plus a stall with a toilet, the gals opened the door to a toilet with the toilet stall further back hence "get cozy" with your girlfriends.

Maine fort bathroom - After a lengthy drive and no rest areas, we arrived at the fort which was closed, the restaurant which was closed, and the museum which was closed. Though the women's room door was locked, the men's was open. This is the most disgusting restroom ever for me which is saying something considering how many outhouses and port-o-potties I have visited while hiking.

Anyone care to share?

Imagine ...

Imagine waking up after the third alarm barely aware that you slept through the other alarms. The mental fog makes it impossible to think so you move through an established morning routine. One that requires your clothes to be already laid out, your work items packed and by the door, and a checklist at the door to insure you don't forget anything. By this time, your meds and initial caffeine-fix have hopefully kicked-in so you can drive to work without confusion. Imagine working through your day aware that if you give a presentation, a tour or get busy with a group, you may deplete your energy and will become shaky and confused. During the day, you may need a longer break but it's impossible to get away or you manage to get down to the sick bay area, but it is not available so you try to manage the fatigue that slows your movements and your mind. 

Or imagine not managing to break free of a customer interaction and being 30 minutes late taking your next dose of medication. Imagine the frustration and despair because this means you will lay paralyzed, unable to move, but incapable of shutting off your mind in the middle of the night, yet you have to put on a smile and return to the desk and close off those emotions. Imagine knowing that all your energy will be spent at work and that by the time you get home you'll be exhausted and most likely unable to enjoy the activities that you like because you only have enough energy to prep for the next day.

Imagine that it does not matter how much sleep you get because you will spend everyday feeling completely exhausted, at times fearing a collapse. Imagine being in a mental fog, confused, or struggling to maintain your thoughts. Imagine your arms or legs tingling before paralysis sets in. Imagine doubting your abilities. Imagine questioning going forward with career plans because your mental capabilities slip at times.

Imagine regularly canceling plans with friends or giving up late nights. Imagine never sharing a glass of wine with a friend because you can't touch alcohol. Imagine being unable to accomplish your bucket list items. Imagine being fully aware of your energy levels, reserves and how you can push yourself yet acknowledging you can't plan for every scenario. Imagine at best, once a week you'll have an episode of utter mental and physical collapse.

Imagine taking an addictive medication in order to get through your day. Imagine suffering withdrawal if you take the medication a few hours late or miss a dose. Imagine knowing that with every dose you are exacerbating a heart condition yet the alternative is unbearable. Imagine fearing catching the common cold because you can't use over-the-counter medications and you'll have to miss work because mixing the meds the doc prescribes causes a scary reaction.

Imagine shame and embarrassment at your failures and your weaknesses. Imagine the fear of letting others down or the loss of control when total exhaustion kicks in. Imagine the insensitive jokes at your expense. Imagine the confusion and lack of understanding from people who will never comprehend the extent of your condition.

Imagine knowing others who have been diagnosed and have lost their jobs, spouses, and friends because people believe you're lazy, sickly, stupid, or mentally slow. Imagine knowing others who struggle with regulating medications, lifestyle changes, and the emotional impact of this disorder. Imagine knowing that one slip in your routine or getting older could cause serious ramifications.

This explains why I am not being overly sensitive about my health, but am trying to deal with a life-altering condition that effects every relationship, every moment, and every aspect of my everyday. My life will never be the same and I have lost some of my dreams and my belief in myself yet I persevere. I have participated in a support group, relied on friends, and adjusted my lifestyle to lessen the effects of an incurable neurological disorder. I am not having a pity party but rather feel the need to articulate my daily circumstances and to stress that I do not feel comfortable sharing my condition with everyone. I have colleagues I work with daily, professional contacts, family, and friends who are completely unaware of my situation. I manage a brave face and only a few get to see the cracks.

The Latest & Greatest

I figured I'd lay out the latest developments and answer some questions that people have been asking.

Between a research group (who were wonderful, but a group on their last day of a research trip), computer malfunctions, faulty elevators, someone completely off the rails, a customer who harangued one of our shelvers and called her stupid and ignorant, and the return of the guy who though I'd want to spend time with him and his girlfriend/ wife (seriously was giving me the creeps), it was a brutal Sunday. The last hour of my shift, I had depleted my reserves and was quite shaky, but there was nothing I could do because there were groups of people needing help. I pushed through and knew the moment my adrenaline kicked in, forcing me through the day and into the early morning hours. It's another one of those days when I can't control this diagnosis.

With Erin returning to work, several people have asked me the latest on Baby E and I can happily report that she is doing well. She has been diagnosed with a condition that requires medication and monitoring, but thanks to every one's prayers over the summer, she has not had any recent episodes. And of course having the amazing Erin and Chris as parents means E is receiving great care.

As for the other little girl in my life, my niece, N, has been released from the facility and is closely being monitored at several levels. She has been opening up about some painful situations and is talking about future activities, which is a good sign. She returns to school today so the family is a little antsy to see if the school will properly handle the bullying.

Then there are the things that fully brighten my day. Have you seen the latest college football rankings? Though I still believe the Gators will falter this year since we honestly have not had a strong showing the first three weeks against minor teams and beginning October 3rd, we'll start playing powerhouses like LSU, I am prepared to cheer for my conference. The SEC holds four out of the top ten slots and the 'Ole Ball Coach's South Carolina team is #7. The only downfall is FSU is still ranked and somehow in the top ten. People are comparing this team to the one from 1995, which was FSU's heyday though the Gators put a stop to their reign back then.

And of course there is my road trip this coming weekend with Becky. For anyone interested, you can join us in DeMotte, IN on Saturday, where I will present two lectures on Ancestry.com. After the lectures, Becky plans to take me to her favorite restaurant in that area. Then she'll kindly drive me back home since two hours of lecturing plus networking will deplete my energy and I'll require a nap, which is why it is so awesome that I have such a great friend who is driving.

The Health Gurus

Last year, I decided to be an outlier and questioned our insurance package at work. I had just experienced a brutal health year, in which our insurance company complicated matters by delaying tests, requiring further tests and analysis, and declining coverage. So when I began to hear the rumors that the entire system would be forced on a high deductible plan and the possibility of losing the system's contribution, I felt the need to speak up. Certain administrators seemed to forget that my former career was as a human resource specialist and that I had negotiated health contracts for my clients, so I began to be outspoken, asking questions about the costs, savings, implications, and the policies, procedures, and accountability for the employee, library, and insurance company. In the meantime, I had meetings with our human resource director, insurance representative, insurance consultant, and library director to discuss my concerns. In the end, our director decided not to push everyone onto the new health package.

There has not been much discussion as of yet on what packages will be offered next year, but one major change involving our health care is an alteration in our wellness screenings and credits. Previously, we would receive credits towards our premium if we met certain criteria during our health screenings. The problem with this system was the standards were nearly impossible to meet, forcing most of the staff to have their doctors complete forms stating the employee was being treated or improving that health "problem." These forms were so convoluted that some of the doctors couldn't complete them correctly.

So this year to earn credits, we must attend the health screenings at work and receive credits for taking a required test, signing a non-smoking voucher, completing a health assessment and meeting with a health advisor to discuss our assessment. Now, I don't mind taking the tests, but I dislike the assessment and discussion. I completed an assessment three years ago and was very frustrated by my session. The session is essentially someone lecturing you, personally, on not meeting the established criteria, but without any consideration to your personal health situation because these consultants are not your doctor. Last time, I was told to lower my stress. People who say this should not be in the health care profession. I was lectured non-stop about my cholesterol levels, which are genetically high. I am predisposed to high cholesterol and my doctor can explain the many ways that we have lowered it over the years and why we are avoiding meds at this time. According to the BMI criteria, I am overweight. This is the one that really makes me furious because a health consultant saying this to a twenty-something girl could lead to eating issues. I am not overweight. I am thirty pounds lighter than my heaviest weight. My body is shaped like a pear, which means I'm tiny on top and exponentially larger in the hip and bum area. I am proud of the fact that I have a curvy body and have learned to accept it, which I believe makes me a mentally healthier person.

So I will attend the screenings and the lecture in order to obtain my credits, but I definitely won't like it. And what I can't understand is why I can't have a physical done by my doctor who knows all my health issues instead. The conspiracy theorist in me fears I know the answer to that question.

9/11

9/11 Memorial

9/11 was an event that marked so many lives and its effects still reverbrate through our lives. Since I feel strongly that we should write our recollections of the day so future generations can see how our normal lives were touched by this tragedy, here is my tale and its implications for me more than a decade later.

I recall the surrealism of the day, the juxtaposition of the normal routine placed against the horror and confusion. Everything transpired during my morning commute and by the time I reached work, the internet had crashed and everyone was talking about full blown terrorist attacks. Rumors of bombings in Washington DC, New York and other major cities along with military bases were being discussed. We anxiously listened to the news on the radio, hearing factual and rumored reports. At one point, there was a discussion of closing downtown where our library was located because we were so close to MacDill Air Force Base.

My entire work shift was centered on listening to the news until I couldn't hear anymore. Reports of people jumping, the towers collapsing, the debris, the Pentagon attack, and Flight 93 were too much. When I left work, I turned off the news. I was returned to my real life where I could not delay moving from my rental home. It's a story for another day, but when there are police and attempted murder, you have to act. My mover refused to help me that day because he felt the need to watch the news coverage and he was appalled that I was continuing with my day. But life had to proceed on, so my brother and I frantically moved my belongings by ourselves. The next day work was somber and we discussed the attacks at school. Even though we had spent twenty-four hours inundated with images and news reports, the horror and fear were suddenly becoming real as we continued on.

I was fortunate not to know anyone who lost a loved one in the attacks, but have instead watched my sister be a military wife raising her kids on her own while her husband served a tour in Afghanistan and two tours in Iraq. And the closest I came to knowing anyone involved was Stephen, a formal naval officer. We were dating when the USS Cole was attacked and I saw his anger at not being there with his fellow men. Following 9/11, he felt the need to serve and returned to active duty knowing he would be shipped out.

Ground Zero

When hubby and I visited Ground Zero in 2009, it was an extremely emotional setting. I spent the majority of the tour crying because of the impact of seeing the site and hearing the stories from those who survived or lost loved ones that day. The fear and horror of those events are brought home as you stand over the site or walk among the surrounding buildings and imagine witnessing that destruction firsthand. Hubby kept remarking on how different NYC was from when he lived there in the 1990s. There were police and security everywhere making it feel like the safest city we had ever visited, yet it is an indicator of the innocence that was ripped from us. 9/11 has left its mark since we now know that there are those who hate us enough to cause such devastation and that we aren't as safe as we thought.

The Conference That Keeps on Giving

Nominees

As the days have waned on, last week's conference continues to have an impact. Prior to the conference, I was nominated for a board position with a national organization. The group requested my photo and bio, which I naively sent along, not realizing that it would be on a board for everyone to view as they entered the exhibit hall. My campaign manager, Dawne, posted on facebook and a slogan was created which I can not share even on my personal blog. Since one of the other nominees is a friend of mine, I feel the need to say, I had nothing to do with the facebook joke and was only clued-in on the slogan (which is a joke) during the fourth email exchange. I am honored to be nominated, especially given the circumstances of my nomination, but I am honestly just riding the roller coaster of others making.

In another nice moment, I was offered a contract job (just an extra gig), which I mulled over for the past week. Though once again I was honored to be asked, especially as my instructional experience was mentioned, surprise! I have decided to turn down the offer at this time. Multiple people mentioned certification to me, including Dawne who reviewed my travel writer's report, which was the first time I worked on someone else's research and wrote a complete narrative report, including my analysis of records and recommendations. I had fun with the experience, but can't commit the time required to become certified at the moment.

While attending conferences, I am conscious of my interactions with people and how they can be interpreted, This is thanks to Andrew, my professional guru and mentor. Yet with all my precautions I still wind up sitting in the wrong spot at the wrong time or having people create situations that never occurred. My boss asked about a rumored conversation when person X instructed me on improving my interpersonal relations. My boss listed the reasons he thought I did not deserve the lecture, which is kind of sweet, but I felt the need to stop him because this instruction never happened. My boss shared with me the rest of the rumor, which included my hero-worship of my boss. Now, I have the utmost respect for my boss, but I am not in awe of him. I shared with him some tidbits from a lunch, when person X claimed person Y hero-worshiped my boss, but it was stated in a negative way rather than as a compliment. So apparently, someone is imagining a conversation and sharing it with others. My boss was kind enough to note that I am a marked woman, which makes me think of my animals. Apparently, my name was bandied about in several meetings and discussions, which I will interpret as a good thing.

I am grateful that I did not provide much fodder during the week. Though I showed my ass a few times (damn short skirts and high stools, plus setting up the display) and I could have entered a wet-dress or drowned rat contest (damn torrential downpour while loading the van), I thankfully was not wandering around topless while in full view of the atrium area. Though the rumor mill may tell a different tale soon enough.

The Dreaded Call

Me and N

My family loves drama. When I glance at the caller i.d., I question if this conversation will be a good one, a frustrating one, or that dreaded one. For the past ten years, I have waited for that final call, the one when my sister or mom tells me John has overdosed. This is not me being negative, rather me being prepared considering the circumstances. And in recent months, I have worried that the next call is about mom since her health issues are serious. These situations have weighed on me. John turns 28 in a few days, which leads to the inevitable mental argument; do I chance breaking my ultimatum from his intervention or do I plead with him for his life? I desperately want to believe this time is different. He has been so honest with me recently, yet I know how close to the edge he is and my mother's request concerning him can not be ignored.

N, Jo, & C

But before I could decide how I would handle the coming week, I received a completely different call. My niece, N, has been struggling through some harsh circumstances. N and I have a unique relationship since I'm a pseudo-mom to her. We've had some weighty discussions and I have done innumerable things to improve her life, some legal and not-so-legal in order to protect her. So I can clearly say she is my little girl. I have been so proud watching her blossom into an amazingly smart and beautiful young woman, who has a glowing future ahead of her, yet I received The Call. My beautiful little girl decided life was too painful, but thankfully she failed in her attempt and is currently being monitored.

Though I can barely discuss this situation without breaking down, there are several blessings. John was with my mom last night offering support. Jo and I have discussed how to get through the next 72 hours and we tried to make things appear normal for C, who keeps asking after Sissy (N). And I have the love and support of my friends. Becky held me as I lost it after the call, Mich let me sob out the story though I'm sure she couldn't understand a word, and Delia and Dawne have offered a venue for me to express my frustration. And the truest blessings are that N failed in her attempt and that she will get the help she needs. As my heart breaks, I have to ask, what is wrong with this world? This vibrant child has been dealt numerous blows through her short life and is now so crushed that she sought a way out.

Dangers of Letting Us Out

Ladies of the GC

Dawne, Delia, and I are a dangerous group of ladies but especially when we're allowed to take a road trip and room together in Birmingham, Alabama for a genealogy conference. There was a lot of food, conversations, laughing, and work at this event. We had numerous food moments on the road trip alone, such as the wish for a Long John Silvers followed by a parting of the clouds revealing a LJS at the next exit, our ice cream stop, candy bar runs, and our KFC experience. We visited KFC in Kentucky, where the floors, chairs, and tables were covered in grease, we fought the flies for our food, and a young man in neon green socks thought it was easier to hop around with his knees locked in place rather than pulling his pants up. At the conference, many activities took place around food, including a required rib dinner at Dreamland BBQ with Kris, dinner at a Thai restaurant with Dawne's group, crawfish, shrimp grits, lobster macaroni, every food category at Casey's Sports Bar, Delia's never ending patience with my morning coffee ritual, a cheesecake run, and gallons of sweet tea.

The service at the hotel was mixed and created much drama for a number of people including us. I was forced to use my "you're a fucking idiot" voice while keeping my calm when speaking to the front staff when we found ourselves locked out because the hotel checked us out on Friday though we had a reservation through Sunday. My frustration was exacerbated when our room was not serviced for a full day. A slow build-up led to the grand finale. After two conversations with the front desk and one with the valet, I was positive we knew the parking rules until the parking garage refused to allow us to exit the premises without paying though we had already paid the parking fee for the week. I had a stern conversation with the front staff, who refused to refund me, but two managers later, they finally refunded the parking fee. Unfortunately, we had this same conversation again the next morning when I checked out. At the same time we were having bad service, we also had amazing service. We ate a meal a day at the hotel restaurant, Casey's, and received fabulous service every time. The valets and bellmen were phenomenal with unpacking our van and keeping track which three rooms all of the ACPL packages were assigned. And our shuttle driver, Eddie, deserves a customer service award for driving us twenty minutes out of the way and picking us up from the Cheesecake Factory.

Many great conversations were held over the conference week as well. Of course there were the badly behaved comments: "that's what she said" or he said jokes, "the device" jokes, geese pooping colored cubes, and "heavy, slippery, and my side was wet" (a description of the coffee splattered banner). Among all of this craziness, we attended sessions, met new researchers, and worked the Fort Wayne booth. Delia found time to be interviewed by the Birmingham News, while Dawne was the spokesperson for the FGS 2013 Conference. Several moments will remain fresh in my mind, such as Lou's hug and comment about being proud, Sharon's remark about the board, George's excitement at my UDC acceptance, Dawne's campaign, Amy's annual opening session commentary, and my roommates continuous kindness and friendship. The perfect ending to the week was Mich's visit; fab food; watching the Alabama vs. Michigan game with Kris, who is a huge Michigan fan; Mich's cousin, Alyssa, taking us to a local bar; and spotting the SEC headquarters.

The Fun Stuff

The gals at HATM

A while ago, I posted that some people thought my posts were negative, especially as I dealt with several difficult and stressful situations. Personally, I didn't feel negative, but thought of my blog as a way to channel and account for some of my angst rather than having to explain to each individual person the macabre details. And I promised to note the things in my life that make it so wonderful, even when I'm struggling with harsh emotions.

Though my trip to Florida was only for three days, I was embarking into dangerous territory. We have the continuous drama created by my siblings, my tumultuous emotions over my mother's health and how it affects our relationship, and reconnecting with old friends. The weekend was filled with many deep heartfelt conversations with each member of my family.


Me and C

Since mom couldn't know I was in town until the dinner, I spent Friday with Mich. You got to love our moments together since Mich arrived at the airport in Mich-time (or ish-time) while we all know, I'm a clock-watcher. We practically ran into each other when she entered the building crossing my path while I walked the hallway to the baggage terminal. After lots of hugs, I had to share my airplane story. My ticket was for seat 37C on a 36-aisle plan. Yikes! After lunch at a bistro, I got my fabulous birthday gifts, which included another set of mix CDs so I can keep up with the latest music (Who knew that Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, and Garbage were the latest music again? Hello 1990s!) and a digital photo frame loaded with our New England trip pictures. Then we were off for some Mexican food and HATM. I loved catching up with Cheryl, who is total awesomeness.

The morning after mom's dinner, dad and I had breakfast at Village Inn, where I enjoyed Banana Maple Nut French Toast. Yum! Then the family barbequed and enjoyed the pool. I was minding my own business (okay, torturing my niece, N), when my dad decided to throw me into the pool. Though I managed to escape, I knew it was only a matter of time before I ended up in the water, so I cannonballed into the pool. My nieces insisted that we play Marco/ Pollo, which became hilarious when C decided that she wanted to be it and proceeded to grab and jump on Marco.

The kids conspiring against the adults.

These are the moments I cherish and remember during the bad times. Am I upset about mom's health? Yes, but I benefited from an amazing weekend with her, where I had the opportunity to thank her for saving my life all those years ago. Am I disappointed that my brother still struggles? Yes, but I allowed him to take credit for the dinner, which helped his self-esteem and I had the chance to tell him that I want my brother in my life, not a man who thinks he owes me something for his past behavior. I am grateful for the chance to tell my sister that I'm proud of her, to have meaningful talks with my dad, and some laughs and hugs with my nieces. Though emotionally exhausting, I would never give up the memories I garnered over that weekend.

Reactionary Gifts

As you can imagine, mom received many gifts at her retirement dinner. You could tell many people were aware of her coffee obsession since she received a number of Starbucks gift cards. Other gifts included a tea set, a picture frame signed by those attending the dinner, and several gag gifts. My contributions got some big reactions as well. Of course there was my visit and a lovely bouquet of roses, but these gifts didn't receive the same reaction as the other two presents, which I personally thought were minor things.

I gave my mother a copy of my United Daughters of the Confederacy application, including the Civil War service file on her ancestor. I went over the documents, explaining each one, including the letter from Jefferson Davis discussing the character of her ancestor, and an approval and receipt acknowledgement of documents by Robert E. Lee. She was so ecstatic over Lee's signature, which was one among many on the document. Every time someone came to the house, she would show them the papers and have me explain her ancestor's story. I'm sure by the fifth recitation my father was tired of hearing about this gentleman, but mom was so happy.

The other package I presented to her was my manuscript. She regaled everyone at dinner about my dream of being a published writer. It got a bit awkward when people began to ask about my story. I'm sure my mom's former colleagues, who still think of me as ten years old, would love to hear about my highly erotic paranormal. Mom called the other night because she is on her second reading of the story. She loves it and requested the first autograph copy. Her only complaint was my transitions were so intense, she could never find a good time to take a break from reading it.

Who knew the extra weight from the reams of paper in my carry-on bag would be so worth it? You never know what gifts will be cherished more by the individual.

Mom's Retirement Dinner

Mom's Retirement Dinner

I've been a bit quiet the past week due to traveling for a surprise trip, moving, and transitioning between homes. In the past six months, my mother has struggled with some health issues which led to her retiring after thirty plus years with the bank. Mom has never been big on parties, but prefers to have quiet moments with her loved ones. For the last two months my siblings and I have been planning a surprise dinner for her, which entailed contacting some of her former colleagues and friends. This has all been very hush-hush, involving lots of secret phone calls, convincing mom not to travel that week, and hiding from her the fact that I was visiting.

Me and my date, Mich

My mom's best friend, Patty and her husband, visited my mom and convinved her to get dressed up for a double-date with my dad, which is a nod to my parent's first date. Mom arrived at the restaurant, which was hosting four weddings and when she saw our group, she thought we were one of the wedding parties. She tried to turn around, but my aunt and dad kept propelling her forward until she recognized our group. Now, I learned to curse from my mother, who lets it fly when she is emotional. She was so shocked, words started fluttering through the air as she made her way forward.

Mom and I

She skimmed the faces, moving past mine when suddenly her head whipped back in my direction and she began to tear up. I was one of her big surprises and she couldn't believe I was standing there, escpecially as she knew I had contractors and movers at my new home.

The Family

The entire event and dinner was wonderful. When the people around the table introduced themselves and explained their relationship with mom, it was amazing to hear how many people felt mom was instrumental in their careers. Lots of food and conversation flowed around the group for hours before our small family unit went back to mom's house to relax for a while.

It was a truly miraculous dinner as my siblings and I managed to work through our differences in order to give mom an event she'll never forget and we managed to keep the whole thing quiet. And the weekend provided mom and I some real quality time together. I am grateful that this dinner was a great success and that we'll have these memories in the years to come.