Shapes & Sizes

I'm honestly comfortable in my own skin. Like most people, there are things I would love to change about my appearance, but overall, I'm pretty satisfied. Are there areas that should be more toned or weight to lose? Sure but there are only so many hours in the day and I love food. And I know those of you who call me skinny-mini are grinding your teeth, but give me a moment.

Mich loves shopping and she seems to enjoy telling me what colors to wear, what accessories match, and what styles are most flattering. I would never wear bold pinks, straight line skirts, heels, or blue polish if it wasn't for her. Yes Mich, I started wearing the Birchbox polish and it was Clinique bonus last week and I went with the greens. Who knew? I know, you did. Mich has always encouraged me to go bold.

Someone recently told me that following her divorce, she threw out all her cotton bras and panties and bought only satin and lace. I'm way too practical for that but I have recently bought some items at Victoria's Secret because what gal doesn't want to feel sexy! 

The problem I've run into, which is a problem I have with shopping in general, is most clothing doesn't fit correctly or the store lacks my size. My body shape can best be described as an exaggerated pear. I am long and thin at the top. My waist varies due to issues with my vitamin absorption, but is tiny in comparison to the curviness of my hips and thighs. Why do I wear skirts and not dresses or pants? Everything I buy has to be adjusted. To fit my hips and thighs, the waist or top gapes. It's very frustrating!

Not that I'm going to reveal my bra size, but you'd be surprised. Victoria's Secret typically only carries one item in the store in my size, otherwise everything else has to be ordered online. And if purchasing a nightie or combo outfit, let the games begin. According to their standards, women are stacked at the top and tiny from the waist down and I'm the exact opposite.

To make a long, long, long story short, I had to exchange something that was ordered because the original item didn't fit. I was annoyed with the Glenbrook people so I went to Jefferson Pointe. Ladies, if you are seeking expert advice on lingerie or an ego boost, visit Zach at the JP store. Nothing makes a gal feel good then having a young handsome man discuss your curves, make suggestions, and discuss what turns a man on. Whoever hired him was brilliant!

He asked me why I selected the item I was returning, what about it made me feel sexy, and why the item wasn't working for me. Why wasn't it working? Apparently to fit very tightly around my hips though it was supposed to flow, it was two sizes too large in the top. 

Did you know that if your size isn't available, then you can possibly substitute with a sister size? Smaller band, larger cup. The things you learn. Unfortunately, as I had to explain to Zach after my failed attempt at what would have been seductive perfection, the problem with a smaller band is it's tight, which maybe I could live with, but it also pushes more than just the cleavage up, which I won't live with. Seriously, this was a straight-shooter conversation. I tried on some other items in the vain hope, but nothing worked. When you wear a petite on top and much larger on the bottom, even separates don't work well.

Seriously the dude deserves a raise! As I gave up, there was a knock on the dressing room door and I was handed this outfit that I would never have selected. Did I mention a raise? It had all the elements I had mentioned earlier plus the one that was inferred, but never clearly stated, I like my comfort. It was a Mich moment, I could hear her commentary though this was one of those rare shopping expeditions when I did not send her a pic to ask her advice. Yes, if I'm unsure of something, I send a selfie and ask Mich. Don't make fun because I recall other's indecision leading to the extra shoes in my hotel room and someone driving to my house in a dress with the tag still attached. I knew what Mich would say. It was so not me, yet it was perfect for me. It looked sexy and made me feel sexy which was the whole point of this exercise.

As you can see, it takes all shapes and sizes. In the end, we all have similar issues when shopping and the same insecurities when standing in the dressing room. Out of curiosity, would any of you throw out your cottons and replace them with all satin and lace? Do you experiment with trying new things? And do you get tired of what passes for acceptable measurements? Just a FYI ... according to some store labels, I'm an XL. I refuse to shop at these places. Why can't women's clothing be sized in the same manner as men's, i.e. using our measurements? It would lead to a more precise fit.

If ...

My view on life is: I have survived the worst which means that though there are rough roads ahead, I know that in the end, I will persevere. Some people might say that I am asking for trouble by making that statement but I know the truth of it. I will never experience that complete loss of faith in myself and everyone around me again.


This blog was never meant as a diary, but it is one of sorts. The past few days, I have read through my posts with a more critical eye, aware of the numerous secrets hidden behind certain words. The most difficult and beautiful posts and comments were from my two year struggle with the motherhood decision, my worsening condition, the treatments, surgeries, the lengthy recovery, and the aftermath. I am once again amazed at the love and support I had during that difficult time. The people who essentially helped me survive that ordeal are the same wonderful loved ones in my life today.

I promise to be forthcoming about what is going on in my head, but for the moment this gal is feeling very fortunate. Words of wisdom that someone I love dearly and someone else that I highly respect both shared with me during a confusing time in my life.

If by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Thankgiving Musings

I had plans to post sooner, but the plague stole all my energy and prevented me from sharing my Thanksgiving weekend adventures. I love Thanksgiving! It is representative of the fall season, includes a large family meal featuring all my favorites, kicks-off the holiday season which requires decorating the house while reminiscing over the various ornaments and trinkets, and the weekend is dominated by state rivalries in college football.

Dad, Mom, Mel & James

My mom is the youngest of eight kids, meaning we have a large family who are scattered across the US so it is rare for us to get together. Though our last family reunion was almost twenty years ago, I remain close with some of our relations while there are others who I haven't seen in what feels like forever.

My Aunt Kay does not realize that I have been aware of her struggles and they have greatly influenced my life. I admire her strength and perseverance, her friendship with her ex and daughter, and her love of my mom. Kay survived breast cancer at a young age but required a full mastectomy. She was one of the women whose silicone implants leaked, poisoning her body and destroying one of her lungs. Kay's remaining lung is failing and she was denied a transplant hence a decision was made to have a reunion, in order to have these final memories with her.

James and I drove to a little town outside of Pittsburgh to spend Thanksgiving with almost fifty other people, most of whom hubby had never met. In order to prepare James for the mayhem of a loud family reunion, we began our road trip with lots of loud singing, i.e. my singing. REM was the band of choice for this trip but Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, and Linkin' Park had quite a bit of airtime.

Dale sharing his genealogy research

I spent the majority of the trip discussing family history with my Uncle Dale, who has researched with me in Salt Lake and more recently reviewed my brick wall. Dale brought more than a hundred pages of research with him from Denver because he wanted my opinion on his recent discovery. Following the trail I had given him in October, he had finally uncovered the missing link that had hindered my research for more than a decade and had progressed back two generations. One of my proudest moments at the reunion was listening to him share his findings with his siblings. He was really enthused and a quick study. As he was showing off one document, he pointed out some random numbers and remarked, Melissa says this indicates his property. He went on and on and on, detailing my explanation of what it signified and how he should approach the next steps of his research as well as my remarks on military research. I appreciated hearing him tell the family that I really knew my stuff, especially since my family doesn't understand my work.

Rose, Kay, Mom, Dale, Ken & Arthur

Though I spent time with my parents on Wednesday night, Mom was busy with her siblings, leaving James and I to entertain dad on Thanksgiving. It was worth the drive, in order to be with my parents for the holiday. Unfortunately, Kay's health had taken a downturn and she could not travel to Pittsburgh, so my uncle rented a van and the siblings drove to Baltimore to spend the day with her.

James and I returned back home with weekend plans, but the plague set-in delaying our decorating and preventing me from watching football. Through the power of drugs, I managed to see Catching Fire with Becky and Erin as part of our semi-annual movie night though it's a bit of a blur, which means I now have an excuse to see it again. The plague took its toll on me, but I still had a nice holiday with my parents, had James setting up the Christmas tree and taking care of me.

Thank You!

The past few weeks have exemplified the Beatles claim that "I get by with a little help from my friends."

- Thanks to James who bounced back this weekend after mishandling the Baltimore trip the first and second time it was mentioned. After being told that it would be inadvisable for me to visit Baltimore at the end of the month, I was shocked when hubby offered to drive me to Baltimore this weekend. Unfortunately, that plan did not work out for everyone involved but it was nice to have him make the offer.

-Thanks to Michelle who over the past few weeks has found the time and the patience to answer my multiple phone calls and understand my crazy one-line texts. There were days when our only communication was through these minimal texts, but she knows when I need my space and when to push. And there were those moments when I would send a text and my phone would ring because she understood. She has been my rock.

- Thanks to Erin who switched lunch schedules then dealt with the waiter and allowed me to cry my way through the meal. Actually, it was more like a blubbering mess.

- Thanks to Becky for her regular visits to my office and for trying to schedule our weekly lunches so we can chat.

- Thanks to Erin and Becky. Erin gave me a good laugh when she tried to play martyr about our plans to see Catching Fire. Due to conflicting schedules, us gals may not see the movie until Thanksgiving weekend. Erin graciously granted Becky and I permission to see the movie on opening night without her.  Becky and I have been repeatedly explaining to Erin that we are extremely stubborn. The three of us have made these semi-annual movie nights our thing. It's not just about seeing the movie. It's about discussing the books and comparing them to the movies, and the bond between us after that the initial viewing. Break-ups, surgeries, pregnancies, and travel have never prevented us from our previous movie premieres. Remember "all for one, one for all."

- Thanks to Kris who always remembers the important things, even when I fail to stress their importance. And though he experienced the very dark side of my personality, he decided to stick around and even checked up on me when I was feeling blue.

- Thanks to Delia and Kay who keep me sane as I balance work and my own personal drama.

- Thanks to Sarai for texting that Catching Fire tickets were sold out at certain theaters. She has saved my social plans on several occasions.

As you can see I'm thankful for the big things and the little things. I know for some people the things I'm grateful for may not seem that important, but for me, every little gesture counts because you never know what is going on in someone's life. And I'm especially grateful for having these wonderful people in my life to provide me with a regular opportunity to smile.

White Lies & Other Tales

Delia made some remarks to me about scenario c in the Boys post that has made me curious. She took exception to the following comment, "Spouses can't be best friends because you tell your best friend everything including complaining about your spouse." Now, Delia believes that spouses should be best friends and this friendship can help them through the more difficult times. I agree with her but where we part ways is that she disagreed that you tell your best friend everything. My mother has a similar belief as she has advised me not to tell my spouse or my friends everything. Mom thinks there is such a thing as too much honesty and that you should keep certain things to yourself.

As someone who has issues with trust, it is a struggle for me to openly discuss personal things. Though there are times when I want to close myself off, I am fortunate in my true friends who I allow in my life but it also means trusting them with certain private aspects as well. I am even further blessed to have four amazing people in my life who are my dearest friends. These are the friends who have been privy to way too many of the details.

Within my friendships, I abhor lies, even white lies and lies of omission. After years of living with someone continuously lying to me and me lying to cover the situation, I would rather have the honest truth, with all its beauty and pain. I have been warned not to confront friends when I'm upset, yet I've regularly ignored the warning and it hasn't always been easy. I'd rather have the truth out there rather than each of us assuming we understand the situation. And then there is the honesty of how deeply you cherish the friendship. The gals and I have spent many birthday celebrations in tears as we gushed about how we couldn't have survived the past year without each other. It is pure and elemental.

Don't get me wrong, I often breeze over certain things when conversing with people instead of directly discussing a situation. There are times when I'm honest in my response, just not willing to part with any real details. The only person who ever calls me on my bullshit is Mich. I can say I'm alright and mean it, but Mich can tell by my tone or other nuances if there is something bothering me and she'll demand to know what it is. Because here's the thing, Mich knows everything there is to know about me.

I'll admit, hubby doesn't know all my secrets, but Mich knows every crazy and brilliant thought that runs through my head. Does she truly know everything? No, but only because it hasn't come up in conversation yet. I have no hesitation in what I say to her (unless it directly affects her, yet I still say it). I couldn't imagine keeping something from her or having any qualms with discussing aspects of my life.

So when Delia made her remark about not telling her best friend everything, I called Mich to ask her opinion. I know it took a number of years for me to open up to Mich and then a few more years for Mich to feel comfortable with revealing certain things to me, but I thought we were both past that point. I know we have delved into some difficult conversations that would have destroyed most friendships because as I've said, she calls me on my bullshit and I return the favor. So I was quite pleased to hear that Mich feels the same as me about telling each other everything.

For me, it stems from a need to be accepted. I have regularly been told that I am too demanding in my friendships. I am also aware that I have a warped view of the world and some people have even remarked that I am broken, cold-hearted, harsh, judgemental, abrasive, and my favorite, crazy. So to find people that I trust and especially to have people in my life who fully accept me, rather than me having to act a certain way around them, grants me the freedom to revel in the relationship and not to feel the need to hold back.

Maybe Mich and I are unique in the fact that we tell each other everything. Maybe I shouldn't be so open with my other best friends. I have been burned in the past by those closest to me so I understand my mother's advice. But how can I not enjoy these close personal friendships when these individuals know me so completely and I needn't worry about explaining myself because they understand the complexities of my personality?

So what is your stance on telling your friends everything? Do you believe in complete honesty or do you believe there is such a thing as being too honest? Do you feel the need to hold back? Why? How would you feel upon discovering your closest friend lied to you? I prefer avoiding that scenario and stick with being too open.

Tidbits ...

Here are tidbits I've picked up in the past 36 hours.

* Don't trust anything from Michigan. After Florida handed the Elite Eight game to Michigan, I was swayed by the dark side and cheered for them during the Final Four and the National Championship game ... which they lost. I should have stuck with the southern boys.

* I've spent way too much time playing with radio apps on my tablet this week. I heart Radio has a Nirvana 20th anniversary station which always appeals but it has a major drawback. I was frustrated that after I declined a song, it would still play when I created a new station. To exacerbate my confusion on this feature, the decline button was lit, indicating that the app recognized my preference in not listening to the song. I'm a Pandora-user but their marketing is becoming hilarious. Apparently if you listen to Usher, Pandora thinks that you want to date black men. I kid you not that this advertisement popped up twice.

* At work, we're preparing to migrate our email system so we've been asked to delete unnecessary emails. Erin sent me the email from when I was scheduled to train with her for my grand tour which was the first time we met. Being Erin, she also attached a sweet message.

* Following a conversation when I dropped the f-bomb several times, Becky sent me a rather humorous email about "when we run the world."

* Soon, I won't have anywhere to eat for lunch. I already refuse to eat at Toscanis and in the past week I've had ridiculously slow service at the Dash-in. During this last visit, Miss "Laid-back" Erin went to the kitchen area to see when we would get our food. I believe this is the only reason we ever saw food which we scarfed in five minutes. I have to admit to a bit of surprise that among our group, Erin was the one spurred to action.

* And this reminds me of an email from Comrade Greg which is unique. Apparently, even the Comrade, who I have a passing acquaintance but who is friendly with the gals, is cognizant of the Three Musketeers because he asked for gift ideas for them.

Sisters

As much as I love my sister, which I do, time and again, I question my tolerance level. I'm continuously told that I'm loved and missed. Personally, I think the more accurate word that should be used instead of missed is needed. Every conversation that we have is focused on her continual crisis with no consideration of what is going on in my life. Ask her questions about my life and what I'm dealing with and she would be incapable of answering. That sounds harsh, but it is the truth

While in Florida, I was told that I should be completely grateful and appreciative to Mich for driving me to the east coast as no one in my family considered offering to play chauffer. Why would they? Because it would mean admitting that I have a weakness and periodically require help from others, which is unacceptable because I'm the giver in these relationships. If Mich had not offered to drive me, I would have needed to rent a car and pay for an extra night in a hotel because I would have been unable to drive after six hours of playing headliner and presenter at a conference. I mentioned the comment to Mich, who laughed. Mich said she was being absolutely selfish driving me because it meant uninterrupted Melissa-time with me in the car, seeing me lecture, free meals, and a hotel near the beach. Mich didn't mind me crashing as soon as we got to the car or that I required an out-of-the-way Starbucks run upon waking.

When I came back from my trip, I was met by my welcome party, which moved me to tears. Becky and Erin picked me up from the airport and insisted on a meal so I could get everything out of my system. Before we ordered, the waitress asked if we were sisters, which is a bit humorous because in so many ways we are. Whether a minor or major situation, we always find a way to help each other. Last week, I requested a movie night with no work talk. These gals readily agreed, providing me with a much needed break.

This is what sisters and friends do for each other. If one needs a shoulder, then the other offers and it is reciprocated. For me, I abhor one-way relationships, which is why I've struggled over the years with friendships. I expect the give and take of a friendship/ relationship to go both ways and when it becomes a one way street, I lose patience. I love my sister. I worry about her everyday because of the decisions that she makes but I refuse to punish myself by calling and checking on things. I know when a crisis erupts that she'll call, but in the meantime, I'd prefer to surround myself with healthier relationships.

2013 Goals

Many you have commented on the fact that I have not posted on this blog in a while. Honestly, I had planned to continue posting, but life got in the way. Then suddenly, I realized that it is February and I have not even reviewed my 2012 goals or created new ones. As many of you know, I do not believe in resolutions but prefer to set goals for the year. In 2012, my entire focus was on making major life decisions and directing my career. I managed to complete a majority of my goals including buying a house, being promoted at work, heavily researching my family, and joining the UDC. The one goal that I completely let slide was my writing, which has barely been touched.

I know this will shock some of you, but I admitted to myself that I did not have time for RWA so I let my membership lapse. This year is going to be busy and I am committed to my new position, then my new position with the FGS board, and maintaining the new house. This year my goals are entirely selfish. They are entirely focused on taking care of myself and my needs.

1. Dedicate 10 minutes a day to a workout or stretching routine
Since my diagnosis, I have had to give up my hour-long workouts and weekly walks on the trails. In the past year, I have lost the majority of my muscle tone and can not lift heavy items. Hubby and I are discussing hiking in Hawaii for our anniversary trip, but at the moment, I'm not in shape.

2. Dedicate an hour a day to myself
Salon appointments, research time, and writing does not count as part of the hour. These routines used to relax me, but have now become "work" in my mind. This hour means not answering the phone, checking e-mail, or making plans with friends. If I work and it is the only hour I have to myself, the plan this year is to choose myself. Though I love my family and friends, I need my time. As for the calls, on average I receive two lengthy calls a night. Lengthy being defined as more than thirty minutes. Just for example, the other night I had back-to-back phone calls from five different people who all left voicemails that they desperately needed to talk to me. This dominates most of my night, leaving me with very little time to get other things accomplished.

And though I may work my regular job, I have other responsibilities with my outside speaking and the board. In January, I spent five hours on conference calls, hours on email for both of these entities, four days traveling and speaking, and the hours creating new lectures. This is work outside my typical workday. Hence the need for time to myself.


3. Establish a routine to handle my condition
I truly should have a set schedule. One that can be varied from periodically, but one that provides my body and mind with the necessary rest. Since my doctor adjusted my dosage, my sleep pattern has been all over the place I have not been able to establish a routine. I plan to see a neurologist to find a secondary method in dealing with those times that I can not maintain a routine. My current dilemma is my work schedule and life is not conducive for the rigid schedule required of my body. Within one week, I'll break pattern multiple times. I need to find a fix for those times.

4. Spend more time with Erin's children 
Following Emy's health crisis this year, Becky and I made a pact that we would spend more time with Erin's children so that if there was ever another emergency, the kids would feel comfortable being left with us.

So my 2013 Goals are completely selfish. I have chosen my career path and it fulfills something in me, so I need to make everything else work in conjunction with it. This year is all about me adapting to my various new roles, which takes a lot of time and energy, which are two things I lack. I've lost myself trying to please myself and others, hence my decision to make my desires the priority this year.

Poker Face

Fine, I won't bore the majority of you with talk of college football this Monday except to say, how awesome are those BCS Rankings! Florida is ranked #2 this week. Now, don't get me wrong, I expect my team to flounder along the way and drop down in the rankings, but for now, I'll bask in the joy.

So onto the topic of today's blog post. Recently, one of our volunteers told me that I should never consider a career in the FBI, CIA, NSA, etc. because my every thought shows on my face. My response was, at least you know where you stand with me. I readily admit to having an expressive face. Dawne, Delia, and Kay continuously comment on my facial expressions during our morning meetings, yet these are situations where I am not required to hide my feelings.

Sorry to tell everyone, I was taught at an early age how to bluff my way through a poker game and the skill has come in handy over the years. For those who know some of the situations I've dealt with, how do you think I managed to get through my days? It is how I am capable of interacting with a patron who upsets me because I can easily slip into neutral mode, where none of my emotions or thoughts show. Personally, I prefer being up front with my feelings rather than hiding them. For those who have seen me when I'm furious, you know I like to vent my anger and move on. Honestly, it's a preferable method for me because it's cathartic. Now imagine all of my heightened emotions bottled up behind a stony shell. Trust me, the ice bitch is scarier.

The day after the conversation with our volunteer, our morning meeting was a minefield for me. Several comments were made about the current job posting in which I could feel several gazes shift my way, but I did not react. (No, I'm not willing to publicly discuss the job posting.) This was followed by someone questioning why cookie man does not deliver cookies anymore. Someone sitting directly across from me answered that his interest was not returned. Once again, I kept a straight face, even when for a brief moment someone queried his interest.

Though I am an honest person and prefer for people to know how I feel, there is a time and place for having an expressive face but I am more than willing to pull out the poker face as needed. It also comes in handy while bluffing your foes through a round of "You Must Be an Idiot!" and "Things in a Box."

Five Years

Five years ago today, I walked through the doors not realizing that my life would be forever changed. Five years ago I found a home, a community, a group of like-minded individuals who understood my passions and my dreams. Five years ago I met the people who would become my family, my loved ones. Five years ago I began the next stage in my career and discovered instead an amazing group of friends and that my dreams could become reality. Thanks for the past five years.

The Bathroom List

Aisha and I recently had a discussion concerning the fact I have a bathroom list. This list helps me recall some crazy adventures because they are forever marked in my memory thanks to the association.

The Interesting Ones

H&G - My department in Florida was History & Genealogy but our bathroom became known as Hump & Grind after some services were performed by a library page.

Traxx - My first over-18 club in Ybor. Since the majority of the clientele was gay and it offered one of the best transvestite shows, all the restrooms were unisex. It was a real eye-opener for me.

Mallory Hall - One would think living in an all-girls dorm would not be adventurous, but the bathroom escapades were legendary.

Milford Outhouse - 4 days of hiking with periodic outhouses available and a law against using nature while altering between marshes and glacier-tipped mountains, which required many layers of clothing. I highly advise stripping off the long johns out on the trail rather than trying it in the outhouse.

HATM - My favorite place with my Florida friends. The signs read "sit 2 p" and "stand 2 p."

The Odd Bathrooms

Aisha's pic

The orange bathroom - Aisha posted this pic of the bathroom at her new library, which spawned this discussion. I first viewed the pic while Dawne, Delia, and I were about to leave our hotel room for Librarian's Day in Alabama.

The blue bathroom - This was in a jazz club in Ybor one night when Mich and I were trying to find some good music. The light was blue along with everything else.

The silver bathroom - This was at Coyote Ugly in Ybor with Mich when we kept returning for $1 shots. The walls and floors looked like the silver patterned material used in the bed of a truck.

Birmingham "get cozy" bathroom - Hanging out with Mich, Alyssa, and Kris after the AL vs. MI game. The sinks were in an alcove/ back area of the bar and instead of opening the door to a urinal plus a stall with a toilet, the gals opened the door to a toilet with the toilet stall further back hence "get cozy" with your girlfriends.

Maine fort bathroom - After a lengthy drive and no rest areas, we arrived at the fort which was closed, the restaurant which was closed, and the museum which was closed. Though the women's room door was locked, the men's was open. This is the most disgusting restroom ever for me which is saying something considering how many outhouses and port-o-potties I have visited while hiking.

Anyone care to share?

The Latest & Greatest

I figured I'd lay out the latest developments and answer some questions that people have been asking.

Between a research group (who were wonderful, but a group on their last day of a research trip), computer malfunctions, faulty elevators, someone completely off the rails, a customer who harangued one of our shelvers and called her stupid and ignorant, and the return of the guy who though I'd want to spend time with him and his girlfriend/ wife (seriously was giving me the creeps), it was a brutal Sunday. The last hour of my shift, I had depleted my reserves and was quite shaky, but there was nothing I could do because there were groups of people needing help. I pushed through and knew the moment my adrenaline kicked in, forcing me through the day and into the early morning hours. It's another one of those days when I can't control this diagnosis.

With Erin returning to work, several people have asked me the latest on Baby E and I can happily report that she is doing well. She has been diagnosed with a condition that requires medication and monitoring, but thanks to every one's prayers over the summer, she has not had any recent episodes. And of course having the amazing Erin and Chris as parents means E is receiving great care.

As for the other little girl in my life, my niece, N, has been released from the facility and is closely being monitored at several levels. She has been opening up about some painful situations and is talking about future activities, which is a good sign. She returns to school today so the family is a little antsy to see if the school will properly handle the bullying.

Then there are the things that fully brighten my day. Have you seen the latest college football rankings? Though I still believe the Gators will falter this year since we honestly have not had a strong showing the first three weeks against minor teams and beginning October 3rd, we'll start playing powerhouses like LSU, I am prepared to cheer for my conference. The SEC holds four out of the top ten slots and the 'Ole Ball Coach's South Carolina team is #7. The only downfall is FSU is still ranked and somehow in the top ten. People are comparing this team to the one from 1995, which was FSU's heyday though the Gators put a stop to their reign back then.

And of course there is my road trip this coming weekend with Becky. For anyone interested, you can join us in DeMotte, IN on Saturday, where I will present two lectures on Ancestry.com. After the lectures, Becky plans to take me to her favorite restaurant in that area. Then she'll kindly drive me back home since two hours of lecturing plus networking will deplete my energy and I'll require a nap, which is why it is so awesome that I have such a great friend who is driving.

The Fun Stuff

The gals at HATM

A while ago, I posted that some people thought my posts were negative, especially as I dealt with several difficult and stressful situations. Personally, I didn't feel negative, but thought of my blog as a way to channel and account for some of my angst rather than having to explain to each individual person the macabre details. And I promised to note the things in my life that make it so wonderful, even when I'm struggling with harsh emotions.

Though my trip to Florida was only for three days, I was embarking into dangerous territory. We have the continuous drama created by my siblings, my tumultuous emotions over my mother's health and how it affects our relationship, and reconnecting with old friends. The weekend was filled with many deep heartfelt conversations with each member of my family.


Me and C

Since mom couldn't know I was in town until the dinner, I spent Friday with Mich. You got to love our moments together since Mich arrived at the airport in Mich-time (or ish-time) while we all know, I'm a clock-watcher. We practically ran into each other when she entered the building crossing my path while I walked the hallway to the baggage terminal. After lots of hugs, I had to share my airplane story. My ticket was for seat 37C on a 36-aisle plan. Yikes! After lunch at a bistro, I got my fabulous birthday gifts, which included another set of mix CDs so I can keep up with the latest music (Who knew that Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, and Garbage were the latest music again? Hello 1990s!) and a digital photo frame loaded with our New England trip pictures. Then we were off for some Mexican food and HATM. I loved catching up with Cheryl, who is total awesomeness.

The morning after mom's dinner, dad and I had breakfast at Village Inn, where I enjoyed Banana Maple Nut French Toast. Yum! Then the family barbequed and enjoyed the pool. I was minding my own business (okay, torturing my niece, N), when my dad decided to throw me into the pool. Though I managed to escape, I knew it was only a matter of time before I ended up in the water, so I cannonballed into the pool. My nieces insisted that we play Marco/ Pollo, which became hilarious when C decided that she wanted to be it and proceeded to grab and jump on Marco.

The kids conspiring against the adults.

These are the moments I cherish and remember during the bad times. Am I upset about mom's health? Yes, but I benefited from an amazing weekend with her, where I had the opportunity to thank her for saving my life all those years ago. Am I disappointed that my brother still struggles? Yes, but I allowed him to take credit for the dinner, which helped his self-esteem and I had the chance to tell him that I want my brother in my life, not a man who thinks he owes me something for his past behavior. I am grateful for the chance to tell my sister that I'm proud of her, to have meaningful talks with my dad, and some laughs and hugs with my nieces. Though emotionally exhausting, I would never give up the memories I garnered over that weekend.

Mom's Retirement Dinner

Mom's Retirement Dinner

I've been a bit quiet the past week due to traveling for a surprise trip, moving, and transitioning between homes. In the past six months, my mother has struggled with some health issues which led to her retiring after thirty plus years with the bank. Mom has never been big on parties, but prefers to have quiet moments with her loved ones. For the last two months my siblings and I have been planning a surprise dinner for her, which entailed contacting some of her former colleagues and friends. This has all been very hush-hush, involving lots of secret phone calls, convincing mom not to travel that week, and hiding from her the fact that I was visiting.

Me and my date, Mich

My mom's best friend, Patty and her husband, visited my mom and convinved her to get dressed up for a double-date with my dad, which is a nod to my parent's first date. Mom arrived at the restaurant, which was hosting four weddings and when she saw our group, she thought we were one of the wedding parties. She tried to turn around, but my aunt and dad kept propelling her forward until she recognized our group. Now, I learned to curse from my mother, who lets it fly when she is emotional. She was so shocked, words started fluttering through the air as she made her way forward.

Mom and I

She skimmed the faces, moving past mine when suddenly her head whipped back in my direction and she began to tear up. I was one of her big surprises and she couldn't believe I was standing there, escpecially as she knew I had contractors and movers at my new home.

The Family

The entire event and dinner was wonderful. When the people around the table introduced themselves and explained their relationship with mom, it was amazing to hear how many people felt mom was instrumental in their careers. Lots of food and conversation flowed around the group for hours before our small family unit went back to mom's house to relax for a while.

It was a truly miraculous dinner as my siblings and I managed to work through our differences in order to give mom an event she'll never forget and we managed to keep the whole thing quiet. And the weekend provided mom and I some real quality time together. I am grateful that this dinner was a great success and that we'll have these memories in the years to come.

Male/ Female Relations

Sarai's comment on the last post raised another question:
"You know another thing I think is weird? When you and one of your best friends decide to go on a girl's trip and someone decides you must be lesbians. I find that very strange also. Right along with the assumption that if one of your best friends is a guy, you must be having an affair. Why is the concept of friendship so difficult for some people to understand? "

These limited mindsets greatly disturb me. I have always been a tomboy and felt more comfortable around men than women, so for decades most of my friends were of the opposite sex. I never gave it much thought when I would flirt, chat, or hang out with a guy until the past few years when some men crossed the line.

Most of the time hubby does not like to travel, yet he respects my compulsion to visit new places. He's relieved that Michelle is my travel buddy and we have joked about people believing Mich and I are a couple. One such situation involved the time that Mich and I decided to share a bed since it was cheaper. We received a raised eyebrow from the guy behind the counter. And when Mich and I visit the clubs, yes, we dance together or hold hands. And if you've seen us dance, you know it's not to entice anyone and the hand holding is more a life-preserver as we wade through the mass of bodies. Give me a break! And one of our neighbors assumed Becky and I were live-in girlfriends residing in my one bedroom apartment.

And I believe in the male/ female friendship though small-minded people will assume we're having an affair. My BF, August, was my go-to guy for everything. If I needed a date for a function, he was it. We hung out, flirted, and joked, but never did anything inappropriate though we had dated in the past. Another pal was Brog, who had a brief modeling career and oozed sex appeal. To say I was in lust with him does not do it justice. Brog hated the way my ex treated me and continuously tempted me to end the relationship by having a wild affair with him. All those years, I was with someone who regularly cheated on me, yet I could never break my commitment and accept Brog's offer. This is how I know that if you are in a committed relationship and believe in it that you can avoid cheating. And hubby was uncomfortable when I began talking regularly about my friend, Tim, who I shared a lot in common with including being very committed to our spouses, so nothing wayward ever entered my mind. Yet other people viewed these relationships as potentials for affairs.

I don't see anything wrong with female/female or male/female friendships. Why can't we be adults and have both without it being sexual in nature?

Friendships

Recently someone questioned the fact that I have multiple best friends. I know it may seem odd or even childish as an adult to have several people that I call best friends, but they deserve the distinction. These individuals are not only my closest friends, but they are my family, my sisters who I can share all my deepest secrets and who won't ever judge or condemn me for my wayward thoughts and actions.

Before moving to the Fort, I surrounded myself with acquaintances, but withheld much of my life or internal thoughts from others. This was due to some major trust issues and in the past few years, I have discovered a level of acceptance that I haven't experienced before. In the past eighteen years, I can list those individuals who have been my friends because the list is truly a short one. Most of the people in my life have been those who drift in and out based on their or my convenience.

As for the BF question, since becoming an adult, I've had six people I have trusted as best friends, excluding hubby since he's in a category unto himself. My sad tale of expecting the worst from people came at the hands of Christy who was married to my other BF, August. We had a long winding history together in which Christy and I each dated August at some point, yet we remained friends. Christy destroyed all of that when due to her insecurities she decided I was not trustworthy as a friend because I was in the middle of a divorce. August offered to remain friends with me through this time, but I decided it would be best for his marriage if he didn't have to choose between us. There is far more to this story that I am choosing not to share on here, but twelve years later, I can not forget Christy's betrayal which came at the worst moment in my life.

As I struggled with my divorce and its numerous ramifications, including the fact that I was a shell of a person who lacked any real thoughts or opinions, I discovered one of the many loves of my life, John. In so many ways, my life was shaped by this relationship. Thanks to John, I'm a librarian, I have confidence, I'm honest in my relationships, and I understand the concept of tough love. John and my mother are both responsible for saving my life back in those dreary days. Though John is the one person to see me as I stood poised on the ledge and gave me someone to love when I thought it impossible, I still hid part of myself. I lost John almost five years ago yet with every breath I am grateful for his role in my life because I truly wouldn't have a life, much less this amazing one if not for him.

Then there are my gals, Michelle, Becky, and Erin. Michelle was someone who was an acquaintance, who somehow wiggled her way into becoming my friend. I can tell you the moment I decided to go out on a limb and claim that friendship, which was difficult for me because it meant allowing someone in. Becky and Erin also managed to get past my barriers and forced me to trust again. You know there is trust when people see the blackest part of your soul, when thoughts of breaking your belief system trickle through your mind, yet your friends say they know you'll never act, but if you do they will stand by you. With these three ladies I have discovered a sense of safety with people who I can be completely honest with and not fear that they will think I'm pathetic, crazy or vulgar for my thoughts. These ladies know some of my inner thoughts better than I at times and have seen me through some harsh obstacles.

So I am eternally grateful for these relationships and yes, I do qualify these friendships since they are not fleeting but instead mean more to me than can be expressed as these are not childlike emotions, but true bonds.

4th of July

Warning: Stripper Content

I hope everyone had a nice 4th of July. Mine was fun and relaxing as I only did a smidgen of work and did not paint the house. Actually, the biggest crisis of the day was when the girl at Panera thought they were out of strawberry smoothie and I debated what else to order for Erin. Thankfully, they weren't out of it.

I spent my holiday with Erin and Becky at the hospital watching baby E improve thanks to all your prayers. E periodically would wave her arms, smile, and show her baby blue eyes. Her body is accepting the latest treatment and if everything continues going well, she will be out of the woods. Erin seemed in good spirits, excited about our lunch delivery and conversation. It was so good to hear her laugh and such a relief to know that things are improving.

Becky and I decided that instead of sitting in the heat watching fireworks, we should spend our evening watching hot strippers. You know I have corrupted Becky when she remarks that we should go see Magic Mike because even if the story line sucks, the eye candy will be worth it. That is such a Melissa comment, I couldn't believe Becky said it. I knew nothing about this movie, so was pleasantly surprised that I enjoyed it considering I'm not a fan of some of the actors in it. As a side note, the "kid" in the movie really annoyed me. If you've ever wondered what a conversation between my brother and I looks like, watch this movie. Otherwise, I found myself actually enjoying the story and the actors.

Within the first 15 minutes of the movie, there is a street scene where the guys are talking outside a club. I sat up in my seat thinking, no way! as I recognized the sign. When the guys enter the club and the camera pans over girls dancing in cages, I leaned over and told Becky, I used to party there. This was further confirmed when the main character hands over a flyer for the male revue, which features a Dale Mabry address. The rest of the movie has numerous references to Tampa because I hadn't realized that this movie is based on Tatum's experiences as a male stripper in Tampa and that they had filmed some scenes around the city, including my old stomping grounds at the Ampitheatre. Yes, I spent many nights down in Ybor (think Bourbon Street) and enjoyed dancing in the cages back in the day. This shouldn't surprise anyone because we long ago established that I was a bit wild in my twenties.

The best part of the movie was Becky's continuous blushing, which was so adorable. Yes, I've been to several male revues, including the club that Tatum worked at in Tampa for a bachelorette party. I know some might find this strange, but I used to spend a bit of time hanging out at the gay strip clubs. My best friend John thought it would help me repair my self-esteem since the men in those clubs are usually heterosexual and would enjoy the flirty banter with me during their breaks. When he first suggested this, I thought he was crazy, but he was right. This is where I learned to flirt and joke with men so easily.

It cracks me up when I realize the divergent lives my gals and I have lived, yet we are so connected despite these differences. It was definitely a day we each needed and I'm glad we shared the holiday together. And once again, thanks to everyone who has prayed for baby E.

A Plea and the Rest of the Story

Dealing with my own health issues is frustrating enough as I hate the lack of control when I wait for my tests or results, but that is nothing in comparison to the helplessness I experience when one of my loved ones is ill.

Last week we received great news concerning my youngest niece, C, who caught the Super Bug 3 1/2 years ago and was in and out of the hospital for months as she recovered. Since that recovery C has had multiple surgeries and has been sick with a bacterial or viral infection at least once a month all these years. A few weeks ago, C had a biopsy along with further allergy and immune system tests which finally revealed that she did not have an immune deficiency but that her health problems are due to being severely allergic to several things that she can't avoid in her daily life. The docs are forming a treatment plan which was great news for the family who has watched her suffer all these years.

Then I received a terrifying phone call from Erin on Friday. Yes, I know some felt I wasn't telling the whole story about the birthday weekend so here is what I can say. This call left me feeling completely helpless. Though my instinct screamed for me to act, all I could do was listen and try to be calm. The story is not mine to tell but I can share what Erin posted on Facebook ... "Please pray for our E. We've been in the hospital since Friday. She is having heart troubles, beating too fast. They have her stabilized now, but still not good enough to go home. Any prayers are very much appreciated!"

During my horrendous procedures, eventual hysterectomy, and subsequent bladder injury, Erin was a lifeline offering support and comfort during a bleak time in my life. Not only has Erin given me the remarkable gift of her friendship, but she has granted me the opportunity to witness the wonders of motherhood through her amazing love for her children. I hate, despise, and detest the idea of Erin and the family suffering, much less baby E.

In this moment of complete helplessness, all I can do is ask that people pray for this sweet girl and her loving family who are also my loved ones.

Birthdays

Upon turning thirty, I decided while tossing back cosmos with some friends, that this decade was going to be the best ever. On my thirty-first, I spent the weekend at Disney with my pals, drifting from a child-like state when I sang along, watched every parade, and drove Melinda crazy with the "it's a castle" refrain, to the party girl persona who never even noticed the stalker dude trying to tap my shoulder at the fourth club we visited. My thirty-fifth was by far one of my absolute favorites between dinner at Cork 'n Cleaver with Kay, Peggy, Delia, William, Mich, and hubby followed by the overnight trip to Chicago with my three best friends who stayed out all night with me before crashing in our suite at four in the morning.

This year, I planned to have a more relaxed birthday featuring dinner and a movie with the gals. The day began with hubby and I still cleaning the new house. We purchased our painting supplies with the grand idea that we would begin the edging work but before we did, ominous dark clouds began to crawl across the sky pitching the house into darkness thought it was mid-afternoon and cutting off our electricity. The wind bent the trees into several contorted positions while debris and falling branches slammed into the house. The sirens came after the worst of the storm was over, but thankfully, nothing had touched down in our area.

Due to the downed trees and power lines and utter chaos, it was decided that going out was not an option. Becky and I still opted for dinner and a movie though. KFC supplied the dinner, Dairy Queen provided the dessert, and cable kicked back on so we could order the latest Sherlock Holmes movie.

My family did their typical birthday wishes which always leaves me feeling lonely as most of them feel like afterthoughts. Dad called from Dubai which always makes me feel good. Without fail, no matter where in the world he is, dad will call. Next was John, which was once again disheartening. It was one of his apologetic regretful birthday calls, which reaffirms that he has returned to his former ways. At least I didn't cry during his call this year, but rather I felt empty and barely heard the lies. I received Jo's call around 8:30 pm, about the time Becky and I had started watching the movie followed by mom's call ten minutes later. 

The next day was another one of those shining beacons that remind me of how lucky I am. Peggy spent the day with hubby and I painting our front two rooms. Unfortunately because the atrocious red was so dark, it took multiple coats of primer + paint. Then we discovered that the lighter toned green and grey walls looked light in comparison to the red, but were actually dark colors as well, so we added more layers to cover the atrocious color scheme. When we wrapped up for the day, it was startling how much larger the rooms appeared with the cream colored walls. It is completely amazing to me that I have friends who would come and help out like this. Thanks so much, Peggy!

I may want to revert back to the party birthday next year, but no matter what, I'll take my friends and hubby along for the ride.

Open and Honest

Warning: I have agonized over writing this post. I'm afraid some people will think I'm too whiny, negative, depressed or self-absorbed, but finally, I decided that this was my blog and I feel the need to get this off my chest.

Okay, let's discuss the elephant in the room. You know the one. He has his trunk waving in the air as he trumpets to gain attention, so I cave, I agree, I admit it ... I take on too much. There! I finally admit what so many have accused over the years. There is no getting around this psychological defect of mine and it's definitely not a new phenomenon.

This mindset began when I was told to delay going to college due to a health issue, but I decided to live life to the fullest and not miss out on anything. It has grown exponentially so it not only includes social and personal situations but career goals as well. I like people relying on me, trusting me and asking for advice, and knowing that I will get the job done against all odds. I take great pride in these things and would hate to let anyone down though I have said no to some things. But I admit, I am struggling with keeping everything balanced.

I keep hearing that I should give something up or say no to more things, but what should I give up? My work load is demanding because I'm a good worker and I'm looking towards the future, so with that in mind, I have to show that I can handle the heavy-lifting. I've taken outside speaking and writing assignments to further my career, but I have said no or have set boundaries for some of these requests. The FGS committee is a great learning opportunity and career move, but there is a bit of extra work at the moment. Purchasing the house was a right fit at a bad time. I've tried not to get too upset over my brother's spiral (I know that didn't take long) but it weighs on me. I'm helping plan a large event this August because someone else dropped the ball at this late date and so someone else and I stepped in to save it. And dealing with the emotional roller coaster concerning my mother's illness can't be ignored.

I can guilt myself better than most Catholics (I'm Methodist). I feel like I've neglected Mich while she's recovering from her relationship. I've not been as supportive to Dawne as she's struggled with several large emotional situations recently. I have barely kept up with my eldest niece's destructive teenage drama or my youngest niece's health concerns and recent surgery. I've barely found time to check up on Erin's recuperation. These are events in my friend's and loved one's lives when I'm usually more responsive and attentive, but not recently.

On a good day this would be a lot for the average person, but add in my medical condition and this becomes overwhelming. I have felt as if I've barely kept my head above water and now I'm slipping beneath the surface. Periodically, I manage to gasp for air but then another wave crashes over, forcing me under once again. And I can't seem to find a way out of this vicious cycle over the past few months.

I will find my feet once again and hopefully soon, but at the moment, I'm trying to juggle many things and I fear dropping something or hurting someone because I let them down. I've been reading blogs written by others with my condition and it appears many of us describe a sense of failure to meet our own or other people's expectations, a desire to prove our worth, frustration at people's misconceptions or lack of understanding, the continuous struggle to find the best remedy and routine since there is no cure, and the highs and lows of depression that come with being diagnosed with a neurological disorder that forever alters your lifestyle.

Don't get me wrong, I have so many things that make me happy everyday, but I felt the need to admit the truth that so many have tried to convince me is one of my greatest faults. Over this summer, I plan to share several of my "happy" factors because seriously, after I started reading about other people's struggles with this, I came to the realization that I'm handling things amazingly well. Of course, I believe that is due to having the best and most amazing support network.