Friendships

Recently someone questioned the fact that I have multiple best friends. I know it may seem odd or even childish as an adult to have several people that I call best friends, but they deserve the distinction. These individuals are not only my closest friends, but they are my family, my sisters who I can share all my deepest secrets and who won't ever judge or condemn me for my wayward thoughts and actions.

Before moving to the Fort, I surrounded myself with acquaintances, but withheld much of my life or internal thoughts from others. This was due to some major trust issues and in the past few years, I have discovered a level of acceptance that I haven't experienced before. In the past eighteen years, I can list those individuals who have been my friends because the list is truly a short one. Most of the people in my life have been those who drift in and out based on their or my convenience.

As for the BF question, since becoming an adult, I've had six people I have trusted as best friends, excluding hubby since he's in a category unto himself. My sad tale of expecting the worst from people came at the hands of Christy who was married to my other BF, August. We had a long winding history together in which Christy and I each dated August at some point, yet we remained friends. Christy destroyed all of that when due to her insecurities she decided I was not trustworthy as a friend because I was in the middle of a divorce. August offered to remain friends with me through this time, but I decided it would be best for his marriage if he didn't have to choose between us. There is far more to this story that I am choosing not to share on here, but twelve years later, I can not forget Christy's betrayal which came at the worst moment in my life.

As I struggled with my divorce and its numerous ramifications, including the fact that I was a shell of a person who lacked any real thoughts or opinions, I discovered one of the many loves of my life, John. In so many ways, my life was shaped by this relationship. Thanks to John, I'm a librarian, I have confidence, I'm honest in my relationships, and I understand the concept of tough love. John and my mother are both responsible for saving my life back in those dreary days. Though John is the one person to see me as I stood poised on the ledge and gave me someone to love when I thought it impossible, I still hid part of myself. I lost John almost five years ago yet with every breath I am grateful for his role in my life because I truly wouldn't have a life, much less this amazing one if not for him.

Then there are my gals, Michelle, Becky, and Erin. Michelle was someone who was an acquaintance, who somehow wiggled her way into becoming my friend. I can tell you the moment I decided to go out on a limb and claim that friendship, which was difficult for me because it meant allowing someone in. Becky and Erin also managed to get past my barriers and forced me to trust again. You know there is trust when people see the blackest part of your soul, when thoughts of breaking your belief system trickle through your mind, yet your friends say they know you'll never act, but if you do they will stand by you. With these three ladies I have discovered a sense of safety with people who I can be completely honest with and not fear that they will think I'm pathetic, crazy or vulgar for my thoughts. These ladies know some of my inner thoughts better than I at times and have seen me through some harsh obstacles.

So I am eternally grateful for these relationships and yes, I do qualify these friendships since they are not fleeting but instead mean more to me than can be expressed as these are not childlike emotions, but true bonds.