NaNo Time Again

I have been extremely delinquent in asking if anyone is interested in participating in NaNoWriMo this year. I was asked about my writing last week, which triggered this reminder. I am willing to set goals if anyone is interested, but I do not have plans to participate in the national contest. The majority of my writing this month will be performance reviews, though I am debating some other writing scenarios in my head. When I was asked about my writing last week, I had seriously thought about pulling out my previous manuscript and making the necessary revisions.

But then I had an epiphany while lecturing on "Telling Our Story." For me, writing has always been cathartic. Though I write fictional stories, they are influenced by my mood and thoughts. I wrote about a near death experience and losing one's soul while I struggled with my feelings over my hysterectomy and the subsequent accident. Infidelity was the focus of my writing when I struggled with finding closure with my past and how it influenced my future. I wrote my most erotic tales while trying to work out my thoughts on my own personal desires. And before you ask, no, I have yet to try the adventurous outdoor sex scenes that I am prone to write.

There are pieces of me in the stories I write. My characters have been women who have suffered through being betrayed, terrorized, humiliated, and ostracized, yet have a strong solid core that prevents them from accepting the role of a victim. At some point, they not only have to confront their enemies but also themselves. Sometimes the characters have strong family influences, other times it is a core group of friends. Though the experiences have all been quite different, the complex journey to find acceptance and trust is a familiar topic for me personally as well as in my writing. 

This year has been a complex personal journey for me once again. My path has narrowed in recent months causing me to address some issues that could not be ignored. My confusion and heartbreak over certain elements in my life need an outlet and writing has always been that venue for me. For those who don't know that among the varied issues weighing on my mind, I plan to say farewell to a loved one in the coming month. I am afraid of the devastation that will rip through me and its aftershocks. Then there are other pressing matters that make me feel bound and trapped in a situation with no solution in sight.

I once heard a luncheon speech by Victoria Alexander that has stuck with me through the years. She remarked that she could torture and kill her enemies in her writing. And the widows in her books would lose their kind or hedonistic husband, Charles, in a simple or macabre death based on how Victoria felt towards her own husband, Charles, at the time she was writing the book.

That all being said, I will try to dedicate some time this month to placing my thoughts to paper. With the way my mind is working at the moment, I can't guarantee that it won't be an angst filled tale or a tearjerker. Of course, as we all know, I can create a plausible sexually charged scene in the most incomprehensible scenarios so maybe I should begin with those and build a story around them. I mean erotica is a hot market at the moment. When I attended a seminar on writing erotica, we were instructed to have a graphic sex scene within the first chapter. I could totally write that.

Now back to the sex toys conversation from the previous post. I could add that component, but most men I know have always been uncomfortable and a bit insecure when sex toys have been mentioned so I'm unsure if this would be a true-to-life element. To make things even more interesting, I recall one of the most contested details about my manuscripts so far have been my character's names. If anyone would care to supply me some names, I'll consider using them. Maybe the names will help dictate the genre of this work. Anyone else interesting in challenging themselves this month?

Technology Driven World

Today became an unintentional experiment concerning whether or not I can live without my handheld devices. Now ladies, get your minds out of the gutter. I know a few of us can't live without those other devices, but today, I'm discussing the more tech-driven devices like our phones and tablets. Though that does raise an interesting topic ... do men have similar discussions as women about sex toys? Sorry, erotica will be the topic of the next post.

Anyways, in my complete and utter disordered confusion this morning, I left the house, minus my cell phone and tablet. It was interesting to discover how my day was influenced by the lack of these daily fixtures. To start, I had a last-minute appointment with my ENT at her office in the Lutheran Hospital complex, which I'm not as familiar with as the Parkview North complex. Without my trusted GPS on my phone, I drove back and forth through the complex which is not arranged sequentially by building address. Since this was a last-minute appointment, I had typed in the time on my phone calendar which I did not have with me, but I was positive I was scheduled for 9:30. After getting lost, I was relieved to arrive at 9:25, only to be told by the receptionist that my appointment was for 9:15.

I never carry books anymore since I have reading material downloaded on my tablet. Print books now inhabit my nightstand for nighttime reading rather than residing in my purse. This wasn't so bad in the reception area where I could watch HGTV but once back in the exam room, all I could do was stare at the walls. If you've ever been in an ENT office, you'll know that they have the examination table and the macabre-looking exam chair and an assortment of non-mentionable paraphenelia. After a rather painful exam, the doc and I discussed the game plan and I was on my way. Don't get me wrong, I have a fabulous ENT. She is thorough, listens, and finds solid solutions. I'm just frustrated by some of the stuff she told me. When preparing to leave, I had to ask for a print out of the doc's instructions because I usually note the details on my tablet in case I get forgetful later. The doc requested I schedule a follow-up appointment but I didn't have my calendar with me to see my availability so I'll have to call back.

Typically after I visit the doctor, I text or call Mich. She's the one who regularly gets to hear all the yucky details but was spared this morning. Heading back to work, I realized there was a problem when the speed limit sign read 60mph. Yep, directionally-challenged Mel was going the wrong direction on 24. Arriving back to work for the second time that morning I was exhausted and desperate for a nap, but my phone serves as my alarm. I know I could have asked Kay to discreetly wake me, but some of the volunteers were talking outside my office so I wouldn't have been able to rest very well and it would have been hard to be discreet with an audience.

On my break, instead of checking my phone or tablet for an update on my incoming emails, I checked via the computer which required me logging into my three separate email accounts, then bouncing between them as I'm still transitioning between my accounts. It made me realize how reliant I had become on my devices streamlining my incoming mail. Though I won't deny that it was nice not having my phone buzz every ten minutes with some random message. As I was leaving for the day, I was informed of another major snafu that raised my ire. I reached for my phone with a plan to text a friend about the situation and to email a colleague for clarification, then realized that I would have to wait until I got home.

After work, I rushed to my evening appointment with my torturer, Steve. As I sat in the waiting area, once again I was reminded that I did not have anything with me to read or to occupy my time except to stare at the walls. Some of you know my dirty secret about why I visit Steve, but you may not know that there has been a slight hitch and I have been seeing Steve every week recently. Though he's my torturer and is extremely blunt, he really is a fabulous guy. Besides not charging me for these extra appointments, he was appalled that for once I did not have my calendar. Since I could not remember which night I work next week, Steve asked the receptionist to schedule me in the morning and evening so that I could consult my calendar and cancel one of the appointments. How awesome is this guy! Of course, I didn't have anything to write myself a note to call back about the appointment since I keep all my notes on my tablet.

At the pharmacy, I discovered that there had been an issue with my new inhaler so there would be a twenty minute wait. As you can imagine, I could not stand the thought of sitting at the pharmacy staring at the walls, so I left without my prescription. If I had my phone, I would have posted on facebook about my frustration at them not having my pills and inhaler as well as there being a delay with my second inhaler. I arrived home to more than thirty emails blinking on my phone along with all my calendar reminders, including the 9:15 ENT appointment. I responded to the emails that required immediate attention, while frantically being aware of the evening slipping away.

Quickly, I texted Mich and discovered that her mom had fallen. Mich is giving everyone fair warning about the clumsiness pandemic, in which I was the first victim. As some of you know, I have been in some pain this week from a nasty fall that was caused by sheer clumsiness. Have I mentioned what a rough week it has been between my bruises, allergies, and the severe narco symptoms? 

So it was an interesting day without my devices. I hadn't realized how much I had come to rely on them, much less the back-log of work that builds up when I'm not monitoring them through the day. Another realization was the connection I have with others via these devices. When upset or frustrated, I can simply send a text and receive a quick response that helps me feel better. Talking things through with a friend in a quick call, can be the uplift for the day. And sharing funny commentary can slip by when not readily communicated. An intriguing lesson for the day!

Mom & Dad's Visit

Mom & Dad

Mom and dad visited this past weekend. Every time I see my parents, it is an emotional experience for me. Part of the emotion stems from regretting the missing time with my mom. The other part of it is my continued anxiety over my mom's health. Then there is the relationship between me and my dad. We have a good relationship now but for many years, we were completely at odds. When I'm with both of them, the dynamic is very intriguing. My mom and I can discuss any topic and our conversations are detailed and very emotional. There is no hesitation in our displays or expressions of affection. On the other hand, my dad and I are very business-like and non-emotional. I can list the times my father has expressed his love for me. The last time I said the words was when my mother-in-law was dying and I wanted my dad to know how I felt. The uncomfortable silence before he reciprocated made it the last time. I know he loves me but it's difficult for him to express his feelings.

Find the cat & dog during the game

The visit was nice, with mom and I looking over family photos and making meals together. Growing up, my sis and mom cooked so I never had that joy making these moments extremely important to me. Dad and I spent a good amount of time watching college football, baseball, and episodes of HIMYM. Dad likes a good argument and we had one concerning FSU's ridiculously high ranking and who was the better conference, the SEC or ACC. It did not help my argument that several of the ranked SEC teams lost their games. Then my dad watched the Red Sox vs. Tigers baseball game. I honestly have no personal interest in baseball but dad was appalled when I cheered for Detroit. Phrases such as "you've gone to the dark side cheering for these MI teams," or "I don't know about you anymore," were uttered until he finally asked, "how can you cheer for Detroit?" I explained that I do it to be supportive of a friend but also because though I don't know anything about baseball, according to Mich, you never cheer for the Red Sox unless they are playing the Yankees, who you never cheer. Dad insisted that Mich had to cheer for Boston, which led to several texts where I proved that I know my girl. Dad and hubby enjoyed some camaraderie over me and Mich being haters. (Pot meet kettle.)

Mom & I researching

There were several deep discussions concerning the various family situations that my parents have encountered on this road trip. Then we spent 90 minutes via speaker phone with my uncle discussing our family research. It felt like being at work, explaining how to analyze documents and the best search methodologies. My mom has offered my "free" research services to two family members and a family friend.

I had been nervous discussing my reticence to visit the family in FL because I was unsure if I could interact with my sister without displaying my hurt feelings. I felt better when at the end of the trip, mom offered to visit whenever I wanted. This allows me alone time with her without a confrontation with my sister. My point was proven when I had a fun conversation with my brother who is thinking about visiting. Mom never expected my brother and I to renew our relationship but he's been clean for several years now which is all I ever wanted of him. My parents' visit was a welcome respite during what has been a chaotic month.

Boys

Warning: This is not a male-bashing post, rather a plea for explanation. For the men in my life, if you're in my life, I think you're a great guy which is why I need some help with understanding these scenarios. I promise I'm not bashing you.

I have documented men behaving badly on this blog a few too many times. When I've asked the males in my life how this behavior is acceptable, I've been told by several people that men think of sex, friendships, relationships, and all around general behaviors differently than women. I have even been told, by a friend who I won't out on this blog, that my dancing and flirty behavior does tell some men that I'm interested though I'm not. But what's truly amazing to me is how some good men make some stupendously bad choices. When Mich and I converse about hubby or my male friends, her almost weekly response is "they're boys and they're dumb!"

So let's share some of these moments that can numb the mind because I would love for someone to explain the behaviors or statements below. Identities have been stripped from these examples so please don't name the individuals in the comments.

- Before a big event, B criticized his wife's outfit. Then commented on another woman's appearance and recommended his wife ask the other woman for advice.

- C informed his wife that she is not his best friend. Spouses can't be best friends because you tell your best friend everything including complaining about your spouse. Also, you can choose your best friends, but you're trapped legally and financially with your spouse.

- D's wife offered to take him to supper after work. D asked his wife to invite her friend that he has a crush on.

- E recommended his wife not wear her wedding ring when she hangs out with friends at a bar. The reason given was E was afraid the ring might get lost.

- F sent his wife on a family trip with the kids, minus him.

Any thoughts on some of these situations? Do men and women view them differently? Each of these situations had a clear explanation from the men involved but none have made sense to us women, so far. So is Mich right? They are boys after all.

A Doozy

N's Homecoming

Last week was a bit of a rough one yet it did have its positive moments such as me receiving these photos. Instead of torturing everyone with every gory detail I'll just synopsis it for you. 

My week began with a motion sensitive migraine so it took a few days for me to accept that I might actually be sick. Mich mentioned that she believed I had the stomach flu which I denied, but was later diagnosed by the doctor. This would be the same doctor who thought it was wise to ask me about my menstrual cycle. 

Then Mom was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and tumors of the parathyroid gland. She will consult with a surgeon after her current road trip. Apparently, this condition can remain undiagnosed for years yet cause enough damage to the body that you're twice as likely to suffer from heart disease and a stroke. Mom wonders if the sudden decline in her health was triggered by this hidden condition. Arterial fibrillation runs in the family so I doubt it, but she needs something to blame, especially as this is yet another genetic condition.

This was preceded by the news that my mom's sister, Kay, was declined from the lung transplant list. Her current prognosis is 18 months or possibly the next infection. This has been very hard for everyone.

So a bit of a rough week. The shining moment of the week though was my conversation with N on Saturday as she prepared for Homecoming. My sister said it meant a lot to N to hear from me. That N had been nervous about the dance but that I had helped. My sis sent me pics which was very nice of her. N is definitely not a little girl anymore.

Motherhood

Curly haired girl

Between pregnancy announcements, hanging out with Erin and the kids, and lengthy discussions with a loved one concerning the options available for those wanting children, parenthood has been a common thread in recent conversations. And of course yesterday, I had yet another doctor ask me about my last menstrual cycle, which caused me to physically flinch and the doc to apologize. Seriously, I can't understand how my primary care's office can't have something in the notes field that states, patient had a hysterectomy but that's a slightly altered conversation than the focus of today's blog post.

Recently, I have become better acquainted with two other ladies who have no interest in becoming mothers, which is somewhat foreign to me. I regularly documented in this blog my ambivalence at having a kid. My final decision was instigated by circumstances rather than a desire to never have children.

Visiting War of 1812 ancestors

Now I would not call myself promiscuous but I was definitely an early bloomer when it came to sex. The price for my misadventures was revealed when at the age of nineteen, I was informed that severe scar tissue limited the possibility of a full-term pregnancy. With my 20% chance of ever having children, I watched numerous friends enjoy healthy pregnancies while I yearned to have a child. Yep, you read that right ... I wanted to be a mother.

I spent a decade figuring I was practically infertile and if some miracle occurred, so be it. Following a laparoscopy, the doctor gave us another shock. My scar tissue had overgrown and shifted my organs causing some severe health complications, so the surgeon burned away all the scar tissue. There was nothing preventing a pregnancy and my chances had increased to 100%. I had undergone the procedure because of other health concerns and fertility had not been a consideration.

N's 1st trip to Busch Gardens

The condition that finally led to my hysterectomy had been suppressed by continuous hormone treatments for more than fifteen years until I maxed out at the legal limit and my symptoms became very apparent. With all these hormone issues, there was a brief window when the docs thought I was pregnant. For more than month, I was monitored and given prenatal care until the heartbreaking phone call informing me that I was not an expectant mother.

All my plans to eventually become pregnant at some point in the vague future became an immediate decision once I was finally diagnosed with my condition. Initially, the docs gave me two years to get pregnant, but my condition accelerated at an alarming rate, increasing my chances of developing cancer. Then the window shrunk to ninety days unless new treatments suspended the condition, but that would only afford me a reprieve for possibly a few more years. Either way, I would eventually require the hysterectomy.

N's 1st trip to Gators

I decided that with the immediate circumstances, I was not prepared to become a mother. The day I met with the doctor to schedule my surgery, I basically lost it. Delia was the recipient of that hysterical phone call and was kind enough to sit with me while I agonized over the situation. The doc refused to perform the surgery because of my state of mind and once again offered me the alternatives in order to prevent cell growth. As most of you know, the treatments failed in some rather spectacular fashions. Who can forget the mild labor pains for more than a month, me going into shock, or the discovery that there was a secondary issue. After months of the emotionally and physically draining treatments, I was ready for it to be over and agreed to the hysterectomy.

Dressing N for Halloween

Do I regret not having kids? Yes and no! It's still that peripheral vague notion. I can't imagine my life if I did have kids. But there are those moments such as the holidays or when I think about the future, when I feel sad that there are no children or grandchildren in my future. I used to take comfort in my relationship with my nieces but my sis has not made contact with them easy for me so I've lost this very important relationship in my life. This was brought home to me this week when my mom informed me that N is attending the homecoming dance this weekend. My curly haired girl has become a young woman and yet I'm reminded that though I've played a large role in her life, I'm not her mother nor am I allowed to participate as much as I would like in her life for the moment.

A Dominatrix

Eighteen months ago, a colleague asked that I participate in a DiSC evaluation with him. This DiSC review was focused on personality traits and preferences in work situations. Anyone can have a predilection towards one of the behaviors being analyzed; Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Conscientiousness; or can be more balanced in their personality styles. As someone who is fascinated with the human psyche and who formerly worked in HR, I believe that our personality traits directly affects how we communicate, behave, and respond in situations. Last week, my manager requested that I participate in this analysis so we could work on our management team's communication and strategy styles.

When I took this evaluation eighteen months ago, my numbers and behaviors were quite different than they were last week. Conscientiousness

2012	Score	2013	Score
Conscientiousness	19	Dominance	21
Influence	17	Conscientiousness	15
Dominance	16	Influence	15
Steadiness	5	Steadiness	6

Why the change? New responsibilities led to a change in my behavior on the job. Most won't believe it, but I can supress my dominant behavior when it's not needed. But if I'm the one held responsible in the end for an outcome, then that trait becomes prevelant. The discussion concerning the different traits and how they interact and communicate was fascinating to me.

A great way to explain these behaviors is:
Influence creates ideas but struggles with acting on those ideas yet are always open to dialog.
Steadiness weighs the options and after a lengthy consideration can make a final decision but does not like to openly admit their ideas/ decisions.
Conscientiousness are the one who like being given a goal and left to work independently on it.
Dominance makes quick decisions, acts on the ideas, questions status quo, and are very results driven.

This description also explains why I'm dominant in my personal life as well. If I care about the outcome then I'm invested 100%. What I find humorous is no one was shocked that my dominance trait was so high. Funny, considering it was not as high more than a year ago. Though I have no plans to start wearing leather and carrying a whip, I accept that people in my professional and personal life think of me as dominant personality. We'll see if this helps improve certain dynamics in my life.