Yes, We Are Crazy

Mich and I have a strange connection, one that allows us to grasp what the other is thinking when no one else can or to say a word or phrase which can convey a whole conversation between us, such as "should-haves." It is eery how we can deal with situations 800 miles apart and know what the other would say in that situation. And then there are the times when we are polar opposites, yet it is so typical of our relationship. We recently had two conversations that had us in stitches.

We were discussing my January visit to Florida for the Volusia/ Flagler Genealogy Seminar. I mentioned the need to register Mich for the seminar, in which she quipped, I didn't think about going to the seminar.My deflated ego had me remarking that I didn't realize she wanted to visit the beach in January. (This is a joke between us because the southern gal can't forgive me for moving among the Yankees.) I figured since she was driving the 3 1/2 hours to get me to the seminar that she would attend the sessions. She laughed and said she hadn't thought that far in advance but that she wanted to see me present. It cracked me up that we think so differently, with me once again planning and Mich being the free spirit I drag along.

This was followed by Mich remarking that she was visiting family in Birmingham during Labor Day weekend. I exclaimed, you do know I will be at the FGS conference in Birmingham. Mich responded, yeah but that's at the end of August. After some calendar reviewing I convinced her that we were in Birmingham at the same time. I have to wonder if she did this to make me laugh.

Then last night, Mich told me about the baby frogs seeking shelter at the library during the tropical storm. As soon as the doors opened to let people in, a dozen or more baby frogs hopped into the building, but due to their size, some were being stepped on. Mich said she kept saving the frogs and releasing them back outside. But the funny moment occurred when she was caught by a patron while telling the frog in her hand that she was helping it. The patron gave her an odd look.

This is too funny because I told her about running into laundry guy (Becky's neighbor) and how he stopped to play with Bartle. As LG said goodbye, I tugged on the leash and commented to Bartle, tell him thank you. LG gave me a strange look, which I thought nothing of considering he'd previously asked me for a doggy play date at 10:30 pm and he's a freaky exhibitionist, but it dawned on me that he must have thought that I truly expected the dog to talk. I'm sorry but pet owners talk to their pets. We don't expect responses, it just becomes natural to hold your end of the conversation.

Here's the truth about why Mich and I are such awesome friends ... we're both crazy!

Open and Honest

Warning: I have agonized over writing this post. I'm afraid some people will think I'm too whiny, negative, depressed or self-absorbed, but finally, I decided that this was my blog and I feel the need to get this off my chest.

Okay, let's discuss the elephant in the room. You know the one. He has his trunk waving in the air as he trumpets to gain attention, so I cave, I agree, I admit it ... I take on too much. There! I finally admit what so many have accused over the years. There is no getting around this psychological defect of mine and it's definitely not a new phenomenon.

This mindset began when I was told to delay going to college due to a health issue, but I decided to live life to the fullest and not miss out on anything. It has grown exponentially so it not only includes social and personal situations but career goals as well. I like people relying on me, trusting me and asking for advice, and knowing that I will get the job done against all odds. I take great pride in these things and would hate to let anyone down though I have said no to some things. But I admit, I am struggling with keeping everything balanced.

I keep hearing that I should give something up or say no to more things, but what should I give up? My work load is demanding because I'm a good worker and I'm looking towards the future, so with that in mind, I have to show that I can handle the heavy-lifting. I've taken outside speaking and writing assignments to further my career, but I have said no or have set boundaries for some of these requests. The FGS committee is a great learning opportunity and career move, but there is a bit of extra work at the moment. Purchasing the house was a right fit at a bad time. I've tried not to get too upset over my brother's spiral (I know that didn't take long) but it weighs on me. I'm helping plan a large event this August because someone else dropped the ball at this late date and so someone else and I stepped in to save it. And dealing with the emotional roller coaster concerning my mother's illness can't be ignored.

I can guilt myself better than most Catholics (I'm Methodist). I feel like I've neglected Mich while she's recovering from her relationship. I've not been as supportive to Dawne as she's struggled with several large emotional situations recently. I have barely kept up with my eldest niece's destructive teenage drama or my youngest niece's health concerns and recent surgery. I've barely found time to check up on Erin's recuperation. These are events in my friend's and loved one's lives when I'm usually more responsive and attentive, but not recently.

On a good day this would be a lot for the average person, but add in my medical condition and this becomes overwhelming. I have felt as if I've barely kept my head above water and now I'm slipping beneath the surface. Periodically, I manage to gasp for air but then another wave crashes over, forcing me under once again. And I can't seem to find a way out of this vicious cycle over the past few months.

I will find my feet once again and hopefully soon, but at the moment, I'm trying to juggle many things and I fear dropping something or hurting someone because I let them down. I've been reading blogs written by others with my condition and it appears many of us describe a sense of failure to meet our own or other people's expectations, a desire to prove our worth, frustration at people's misconceptions or lack of understanding, the continuous struggle to find the best remedy and routine since there is no cure, and the highs and lows of depression that come with being diagnosed with a neurological disorder that forever alters your lifestyle.

Don't get me wrong, I have so many things that make me happy everyday, but I felt the need to admit the truth that so many have tried to convince me is one of my greatest faults. Over this summer, I plan to share several of my "happy" factors because seriously, after I started reading about other people's struggles with this, I came to the realization that I'm handling things amazingly well. Of course, I believe that is due to having the best and most amazing support network.

All Grown Up

Me and baby E

Though I refuse to act my age, the past week has been filled with several reminders that life continues its forward progress and forces me to act like an adult. 

A few weeks back, Erin asked Becky and I to join her at the hospital when she gave birth. And thankfully, baby E agreed to my terms and waited until I returned from California before making her entrance. I am so grateful to Erin and Chris for sharing this special event in their lives with us. Erin and Becky are not only my best friends, but they are my family and I love these special moments. The pic of E will soon join the one of her brother who was born 2.5 years ago as one of my lucky captions.

And my other moments involved the new house. I should write a booklet on the signs that your home seller is crazy. We've dealt with some mind bending and anger inducing situations thanks to this seller, but she managed to top herself this week. We allowed her five days to move following closing, so I was floored when my realtor informed me, she didn't turn over the keys, she had furniture at the house and plans for other people to retrieve items from the house. My realtor forced the issue, convincing her to leave the premises.

Becky and I arrived at the house to discover furniture and overflowing trash in the driveway, but otherwise an intact house. Once the locks were changed and furniture removed, the scariest thing left was the gruesome refrigerator, which received a glance and shudder from me. Hubby spent five hours cleaning it, while I scrubbed and prepped the place for painting.

Next on our agenda is finish cleaning the kitchen and dining area; painting the entire house, including the atrocious aluminum back splash. Any color suggestions for the back splash?

A Tourist in Southern California

Merlotte's

While staying in Burbank, it was a necessity to visit one of the studios and get my Hollywood fix, so a short cab ride later I found myself at the Warner Brothers Studio. Traveling around the back lot I was excited to see familiar places from my favorite shows and movies. The first place that got my fan girl going was Merlotte's from True Blood followed by a tour of the Gellar home from Friends. Several museums are located at the studio, including a garage filled with Batman's various cars and the Mystery Machine from Scooby-Doo. I stood in awe at the sight of Liz Taylor's outfits from her many notable movies and marveled at her tiny waist. One section of a museum was dedicated to Harry Potter memorabilia, including the sorting hat from the first movie. Yes, I waited in line with the other kids in order to be sorted. I am apparently a Hufflepuff. Who knew? 

Central Perk

We walked along the main street which is being used currently for both Hart of Dixie and Pretty Little Liars. The day I visited, Cate Blanchett and Cristian Bale were filming a scene for an upcoming movie. This was a squeal-worthy moment. I know this will shock you that I have crushed on Bale since American Psycho.

We toured the set of The Mentalist which is a very detailed set, down to the humorous post-it notes. Then the true fan girl scene, the Central Perk set from Friends. This was one of those moments I desperately wished my gals were with me.

Long Beach

Huntington Beach

The next day, Laura was daring enough to travel to the beaches with me. Renting a car, we headed down the 410 towards Long Beach. I didn't realize how much industrial waste is in that area. The water was stagnant and left black sediment on our skin, and the beach was filthy with trash and seaweed, though we could see the Queen Mary along our walk. After talking to some locals, we drove along the Pacific Coast Highway, stopping for dinner at Seal Beach before finding perfection at Huntington Beach. Rocky cliffs, surfers fighting for dominance over the crashing waves, and a beautiful sunset were the perfect ending to my tourist adventures in Southern California.

Speaking in Cali

I debated how to begin sharing my California adventures; should I start with the conference or my vacation? Since the purpose of my trip was to speak at Jamboree, I guess that is where the story will begin. Remember my fear at the idea of standing in a room filled with conference attendees, especially those who I respect and have long listened to in rapt attention. Well that fear disappeared when I entered the room for my first session and saw my boss, my mentor, and two of my reps chatting in the room. As I approached the podium, a calm settled over me and I felt self-confident. Even when things went wrong with cords not being properly arranged or confusion over the multiple microphones hooked to my outfit, I stepped back and let the techs handle the situation with limited ruffled feathers. My first lecture was video recorded and is available on DVD while the other three sessions were audio recorded. Shockingly enough, this didn't disturb me as much as I expected and my voice never once quavered. I had reviewed my lectures numerous times, so I was ready. And yes, I lost my place a few times, but it was never truly noticeable except maybe to those who know me well.

My most interesting session was held in the pavilion, with a room capacity of 220, two projection screens, a stage, and some very hot lights. I was quite uncomfortable. The air conditioning blew out from the stage area towards the audience making it difficult for me to hear the sound system and not providing me with any relief from the heat. Between my elevated body temperature which is typical when I speak, the lights, a crowded space, and being in a tent in California, I was unbearably hot.

Though I received many glowing compliments from session attendees, I was also attacked by other egos. One particular person was vocal that they would not attend my sessions since that person was the subject expert and the person couldn't understand why I was asked to speak. And then there was the person I have called my "hater." After my first session, she felt the need to tell me that my lecture was too general and she knew all the resources I discussed so she decided to work during my lecture. She approached me again two days later before the session to ask if it was a beginners class or if she would learn anything since my last lecture was too general. With each of these incidents, I was graceful and polite. I gave professional responses which the people did not deserve though you know the response that was playing in my mind. I truly can't understand people who behave this way because I am completely accepting of suggestions or constructive criticism, but I despise insults or questioning of my professionalism.

Jamboree is a proud moment in my career and though I missed having my gals there, it was intriguing to be supported by my boss at a non-work function. We were at this event as equals, which altered our typical dynamic. We socialized and supported each other as colleagues rather than as manager/ subordinate. Overall, Jamboree was an interesting experience and I'm glad I was asked to present. I needed the reassurance in my abilities and the connection with my peers that this conference provided.

Mad Mad World

The next few weeks are utter mayhem for me and hubby. I leave this week for California, where I will present three lectures and sit as a panelist for another session. Since I am officially on vacation, I have opted out of attending conference events and plan to only attend lectures and the exhibit hall before the panel session. Though I have a business dinner scheduled at 6:30 pm the evening I arrive, when my plane touches down at 6:15 pm. Supposedly, if my dinner partners order appetizers, the airport is small enough and close enough for me to make it to dinner. I've agreed to this, figuring after 12 hours of traveling, I'll want a real meal. I plan to play tourist during my free time at the conference, though my return home is chaotic. I have two lectures on my final day and will check out sometime in between, then make my way to the airport for the 12 hours of travel back to Indiana. The crazy 12 hours from my home to the conference is the result of a three-leg jaunt both ways.Once home, it's back to the housing grind as we'll be in the final week, with walk-throughs, closing, and acquiring the keys has been scheduled.

At the same time, it has suddenly hit me that my mom is mortal. Though she is doing better on the meds, she has far less energy due to a weaker heart and a dramatically increased chance of having a stroke. I am struggling with my fears and concerns over this situation. While the tests and procedures were being completed, I was able to cope because we were in the action phase and my job was to keep her on track. Now, we're in the coping phase, when the family has to adapt to the changes in her life. For me, this is the time I realize that I could lose my mom at any moment or she can adapt and live a long life, yet nothing is set in stone. I have never truly thought about life without my mother and now that I have, it is soul-wrenching. So I spend everyday grateful for every phone call with her, yet an underlying fear, which I hope will disappear in the coming months as she improves.

With all this mayhem comes loads and loads of stress. A few weeks ago, I had a bad episode, where my body shut down and my mental faculties were almost non-existent. I was frustrated by this episode because I desperately try to maintain my regiment, but no one can be prepared for the damage caused by stress. I read a lot of material about my condition and recently one article had some interesting insight into these episodes as I can never fully explain them. The article claimed that our episodes are the mental and physical equivalent to an average person not resting, napping, or sleeping for more than 40 hours. I found this an apt description because I suffer from full exhaustion, shakiness, and the inability to think straight, much less recall things or fully function, when I am in one of these episodes.

I am trying to focus on one day at a time within my world; on finding a balance in which I can rest and relax; and seeking comfort and help from friends because let's be honest, my world is always crazy even on a slow week.

Woman on Top

My grandparents regularly remark that I am the man in my relationship or that I wear the pants in our family. I dislike these comments, but shrug them off since my grandparents are from a generation and a set of circumstances where women are viewed as secondary to men. Little did I know, many people today still view women as the "partner" or "spouse" in the marriage rather than as an equal to her husband or heaven-forbid, as the primary decision-maker.

When hubby and I applied for our mortgage, I completed the forms as the borrower and hubby as the co-borrower. My thought process included the fact that I would be the primary resident and would want full access to the account; and the fact that I could complete the financial questions relating to me easier than the ones pertaining to hubby. Imagine my surprise when we received the documentation from the bank and hubby was listed as the borrower and me as the co-borrower. I let it slide, but had a good chuckle.

When we met with the loan officer, we were handed paperwork which she had pre-filled for us. After reviewing the documents, I returned the IRS form to her, stating that she would need to switch the names on the document. She had completed the form with hubby as the primary individual on our tax returns, which is not the case. In all honesty, hubby is not good with "finances." He can save and save and save, but anything relating to interest rates and taxes seems to be a foreign language to him. We had to pay extra in taxes for years due to the fact hubby didn't know there was a difference in tax rates based on how he marked his marital status among other things which will remain unspoken. This led to me taking charge of negotiating our financial deals and completing our taxes. The loan officer informed us that it is rare for the wife to be first on the taxes or the mortgage documents, etc. etc.

Yesterday, we opened our appraisal and I stress the word, "opened," because it was addressed only to hubby, so I had placed it with his mail for him to look at when he came home for the weekend. I was rather surprised when hubby brought me the legal-size envelope and said it had paperwork about the house. Hubby has not "read" any of the other documents concerning the house since I have been the one haggling with everyone before handing him documents to sign, so he didn't know what was being explained in the papers.

I found this interesting since I thought we lived in a society based on equality rather than a patriarchal society, but maybe I am wrong. We are asked on a regular basis for our marital status, whether we're a Miss or Mrs. I personally avoid these questions and when forced to answer, I state I'm a Ms. I am not defined by my marital status. Yes, it is wonderful to have an amazing spouse to share in my life, but I am not his follower or secondary. I'm curious if others have experienced this as well or if hubby and I are odd to have me as the primary on our financials. Either way, this wife enjoys being the woman on top!