Open and Honest

Warning: I have agonized over writing this post. I'm afraid some people will think I'm too whiny, negative, depressed or self-absorbed, but finally, I decided that this was my blog and I feel the need to get this off my chest.

Okay, let's discuss the elephant in the room. You know the one. He has his trunk waving in the air as he trumpets to gain attention, so I cave, I agree, I admit it ... I take on too much. There! I finally admit what so many have accused over the years. There is no getting around this psychological defect of mine and it's definitely not a new phenomenon.

This mindset began when I was told to delay going to college due to a health issue, but I decided to live life to the fullest and not miss out on anything. It has grown exponentially so it not only includes social and personal situations but career goals as well. I like people relying on me, trusting me and asking for advice, and knowing that I will get the job done against all odds. I take great pride in these things and would hate to let anyone down though I have said no to some things. But I admit, I am struggling with keeping everything balanced.

I keep hearing that I should give something up or say no to more things, but what should I give up? My work load is demanding because I'm a good worker and I'm looking towards the future, so with that in mind, I have to show that I can handle the heavy-lifting. I've taken outside speaking and writing assignments to further my career, but I have said no or have set boundaries for some of these requests. The FGS committee is a great learning opportunity and career move, but there is a bit of extra work at the moment. Purchasing the house was a right fit at a bad time. I've tried not to get too upset over my brother's spiral (I know that didn't take long) but it weighs on me. I'm helping plan a large event this August because someone else dropped the ball at this late date and so someone else and I stepped in to save it. And dealing with the emotional roller coaster concerning my mother's illness can't be ignored.

I can guilt myself better than most Catholics (I'm Methodist). I feel like I've neglected Mich while she's recovering from her relationship. I've not been as supportive to Dawne as she's struggled with several large emotional situations recently. I have barely kept up with my eldest niece's destructive teenage drama or my youngest niece's health concerns and recent surgery. I've barely found time to check up on Erin's recuperation. These are events in my friend's and loved one's lives when I'm usually more responsive and attentive, but not recently.

On a good day this would be a lot for the average person, but add in my medical condition and this becomes overwhelming. I have felt as if I've barely kept my head above water and now I'm slipping beneath the surface. Periodically, I manage to gasp for air but then another wave crashes over, forcing me under once again. And I can't seem to find a way out of this vicious cycle over the past few months.

I will find my feet once again and hopefully soon, but at the moment, I'm trying to juggle many things and I fear dropping something or hurting someone because I let them down. I've been reading blogs written by others with my condition and it appears many of us describe a sense of failure to meet our own or other people's expectations, a desire to prove our worth, frustration at people's misconceptions or lack of understanding, the continuous struggle to find the best remedy and routine since there is no cure, and the highs and lows of depression that come with being diagnosed with a neurological disorder that forever alters your lifestyle.

Don't get me wrong, I have so many things that make me happy everyday, but I felt the need to admit the truth that so many have tried to convince me is one of my greatest faults. Over this summer, I plan to share several of my "happy" factors because seriously, after I started reading about other people's struggles with this, I came to the realization that I'm handling things amazingly well. Of course, I believe that is due to having the best and most amazing support network.

All Grown Up

Me and baby E

Though I refuse to act my age, the past week has been filled with several reminders that life continues its forward progress and forces me to act like an adult. 

A few weeks back, Erin asked Becky and I to join her at the hospital when she gave birth. And thankfully, baby E agreed to my terms and waited until I returned from California before making her entrance. I am so grateful to Erin and Chris for sharing this special event in their lives with us. Erin and Becky are not only my best friends, but they are my family and I love these special moments. The pic of E will soon join the one of her brother who was born 2.5 years ago as one of my lucky captions.

And my other moments involved the new house. I should write a booklet on the signs that your home seller is crazy. We've dealt with some mind bending and anger inducing situations thanks to this seller, but she managed to top herself this week. We allowed her five days to move following closing, so I was floored when my realtor informed me, she didn't turn over the keys, she had furniture at the house and plans for other people to retrieve items from the house. My realtor forced the issue, convincing her to leave the premises.

Becky and I arrived at the house to discover furniture and overflowing trash in the driveway, but otherwise an intact house. Once the locks were changed and furniture removed, the scariest thing left was the gruesome refrigerator, which received a glance and shudder from me. Hubby spent five hours cleaning it, while I scrubbed and prepped the place for painting.

Next on our agenda is finish cleaning the kitchen and dining area; painting the entire house, including the atrocious aluminum back splash. Any color suggestions for the back splash?

Mad Mad World

The next few weeks are utter mayhem for me and hubby. I leave this week for California, where I will present three lectures and sit as a panelist for another session. Since I am officially on vacation, I have opted out of attending conference events and plan to only attend lectures and the exhibit hall before the panel session. Though I have a business dinner scheduled at 6:30 pm the evening I arrive, when my plane touches down at 6:15 pm. Supposedly, if my dinner partners order appetizers, the airport is small enough and close enough for me to make it to dinner. I've agreed to this, figuring after 12 hours of traveling, I'll want a real meal. I plan to play tourist during my free time at the conference, though my return home is chaotic. I have two lectures on my final day and will check out sometime in between, then make my way to the airport for the 12 hours of travel back to Indiana. The crazy 12 hours from my home to the conference is the result of a three-leg jaunt both ways.Once home, it's back to the housing grind as we'll be in the final week, with walk-throughs, closing, and acquiring the keys has been scheduled.

At the same time, it has suddenly hit me that my mom is mortal. Though she is doing better on the meds, she has far less energy due to a weaker heart and a dramatically increased chance of having a stroke. I am struggling with my fears and concerns over this situation. While the tests and procedures were being completed, I was able to cope because we were in the action phase and my job was to keep her on track. Now, we're in the coping phase, when the family has to adapt to the changes in her life. For me, this is the time I realize that I could lose my mom at any moment or she can adapt and live a long life, yet nothing is set in stone. I have never truly thought about life without my mother and now that I have, it is soul-wrenching. So I spend everyday grateful for every phone call with her, yet an underlying fear, which I hope will disappear in the coming months as she improves.

With all this mayhem comes loads and loads of stress. A few weeks ago, I had a bad episode, where my body shut down and my mental faculties were almost non-existent. I was frustrated by this episode because I desperately try to maintain my regiment, but no one can be prepared for the damage caused by stress. I read a lot of material about my condition and recently one article had some interesting insight into these episodes as I can never fully explain them. The article claimed that our episodes are the mental and physical equivalent to an average person not resting, napping, or sleeping for more than 40 hours. I found this an apt description because I suffer from full exhaustion, shakiness, and the inability to think straight, much less recall things or fully function, when I am in one of these episodes.

I am trying to focus on one day at a time within my world; on finding a balance in which I can rest and relax; and seeking comfort and help from friends because let's be honest, my world is always crazy even on a slow week.

Woman on Top

My grandparents regularly remark that I am the man in my relationship or that I wear the pants in our family. I dislike these comments, but shrug them off since my grandparents are from a generation and a set of circumstances where women are viewed as secondary to men. Little did I know, many people today still view women as the "partner" or "spouse" in the marriage rather than as an equal to her husband or heaven-forbid, as the primary decision-maker.

When hubby and I applied for our mortgage, I completed the forms as the borrower and hubby as the co-borrower. My thought process included the fact that I would be the primary resident and would want full access to the account; and the fact that I could complete the financial questions relating to me easier than the ones pertaining to hubby. Imagine my surprise when we received the documentation from the bank and hubby was listed as the borrower and me as the co-borrower. I let it slide, but had a good chuckle.

When we met with the loan officer, we were handed paperwork which she had pre-filled for us. After reviewing the documents, I returned the IRS form to her, stating that she would need to switch the names on the document. She had completed the form with hubby as the primary individual on our tax returns, which is not the case. In all honesty, hubby is not good with "finances." He can save and save and save, but anything relating to interest rates and taxes seems to be a foreign language to him. We had to pay extra in taxes for years due to the fact hubby didn't know there was a difference in tax rates based on how he marked his marital status among other things which will remain unspoken. This led to me taking charge of negotiating our financial deals and completing our taxes. The loan officer informed us that it is rare for the wife to be first on the taxes or the mortgage documents, etc. etc.

Yesterday, we opened our appraisal and I stress the word, "opened," because it was addressed only to hubby, so I had placed it with his mail for him to look at when he came home for the weekend. I was rather surprised when hubby brought me the legal-size envelope and said it had paperwork about the house. Hubby has not "read" any of the other documents concerning the house since I have been the one haggling with everyone before handing him documents to sign, so he didn't know what was being explained in the papers.

I found this interesting since I thought we lived in a society based on equality rather than a patriarchal society, but maybe I am wrong. We are asked on a regular basis for our marital status, whether we're a Miss or Mrs. I personally avoid these questions and when forced to answer, I state I'm a Ms. I am not defined by my marital status. Yes, it is wonderful to have an amazing spouse to share in my life, but I am not his follower or secondary. I'm curious if others have experienced this as well or if hubby and I are odd to have me as the primary on our financials. Either way, this wife enjoys being the woman on top!

Farewell Laverne & Shirley?

Do you know that moment when things click between you and another person? I can tell you the moment I fell in love with my husband; or the situation that made me realize I was willing to step outside my comfort zone and form a friendship with Mich. Over the years, I have experienced several moments when I realized the person before me was going to have an impact on my life.

One of those moments was my first day on the job in Indiana. Between breakfast at six and hours of touring the facility, I began to not feel good around noon. Now, I know why I had these symptoms, but back then, I figured my blood sugar had dropped. In a rather embarrassing moment with my new boss, I gripped the edge of the desk and told him I might pass out. My boss rushed me into a chair and had a librarian come sit with me while he ran to get me a Sprite. For those who know our no drinking rule in the department, this is actually hilarious in retrospect. The librarian talked calmly to me, introducing herself and chatting in general. This was the moment I met one of my best friends, Becky.

During our chat, we realized we lived in the same apartment complex and the next thing I knew I had lunch plans for the week and a group outing scheduled for the weekend. And we've been friends ever since. Two years later, hubby and I decided to downsize apartments, so I trotted over to the complex office and asked to downsize, but only if I could live in Becky's building. It would make our running back and forth between apartments easier. The next day, the manager called to offer me the apartment across the hall from Becky, which began the solidity of our reputation as Laverne & Shirley.

Everyone knew we interacted a lot, though we didn't hang out as much as people thought. I can go for days when I only see Becky at work rather than at home, but people lumped us together because they were used to us looking for apartments together (though separate apartments, just in the same building), carpooling, socializing together and working out together. Our Pizza and Lost nights are legendary and have now transcended into a weekly t.v. night ritual, when we catch up on watching episodes of our favorite shows. We've learned over the years, it is better for us to watch t.v. together just for the joint reactions to scenes. At one point, each of us considered buying Leslie's house, but Leslie commented that she knew we wouldn't want to live apart. And she was right! One of my frequent comments to hubby as we looked at houses concerned not having Becky across the hall.

This is not a farewell to Laverne & Shirley. Though hubby and I have a contract on a house, it is 2 miles from our current place. Becky will, of course, have a key; there is a guest room available for her and Sadie cat if ever needed; and we're still best pals, who can still carpool, plan impromptu dinners, and have t.v. night. I'm viewing this as a change in venue, which is better for all. For those who attended a few of our Lost nights, you know my place got a bit cramped, so now we'll have lots of room.

House Update

Just to keep everyone informed about the house hunt. We decided against the house in B* Hills. There were way too many issues from the electrical, the appliances, including air conditioning, water heater, etc., linking to city water, and all the cosmetic issues. I know others can live with the electrical situation that we were facing, but we could not, especially since my father, who is an electrical engineer, was very insistent about the situation. So it is back to the drawing board for us.

This whole experience has been interesting to me because hubby and I have differing personalities. I am very analytical in my decision making. I gather all the facts, lay them out, research things I don't understand, weigh the pros and cons, and make a decision. Even if I'm uncertain that I've made the right decision, I go forward because I have the facts backing me up. On the other hand, hubby goes with the gut reaction, which is usually negative. I'm the half-full partner, while he is the half-empty one. And even with all the facts in place, hubby still struggles with the final decision.

With the house discussion, these differences have become exponential. The bigger dilemma is hubby admits he is completely incapable of making a big decision and will never be able to make a final decision on a house, career, the kid question, etc., yet he refuses to grant me more control in making the decisions (which is funny when you consider his decision to marry me since I was the skittish one and he knew what he wanted). Currently, I give him all the facts, asking for his input and advice, which is as it should be, but we need a middle ground, where he would accept that I can make the decision unless he is completely adverse to it.

As we muddle along trying to find the right path, we are going forward with looking for a house. Hubby understands with the monetary issue that I have presented him concerning our financial situation that a house is a better option, but he doesn't fully agree with my mindset. I can relate to his fears over money but I never experienced the poverty of his childhood. And though my parents taught me the importance of good financial standing and savings, they also ingrained in me that there are other values more important than money.

So that is the update. It has been a wild ride so far.

Crossroads

Hubby and I had a nice relaxing four day weekend. Not! Okay, maybe it was relaxing for hubby, but I was a woman on multiple missions. The weekend began with Bartle's stitch removal. For some reason, the vet was running late, so though I bolted out of work, sped home, sped to the vet; Bartle and I waited for more than thirty minutes for our appointment. I have to say, he looks rather dashing with his scar and I know he is excited to be out of the cone. The next day was spent at the dealership, where multiple good things happened. Considering I had a horrendous experience the last time I took my car in, i.e. the guy I worked with did not explain the repairs and cost correctly, leading me to a $600 repair that I had budgeted $300 towards, plus he told me they needed to clean my battery, so imagine my shock when I was told they replaced it. Next, I had a nail in my tire from the Florida trip and when the car was returned to me, I was missing part of the rim. This time, I had been quoted a price for my service and I mentioned the rim issue, which the mechanic commented that mine were not standard issues, so they may have to special order it. Imagine my shock when there was no bill and they found the missing piece to my rim. Yay!

I did dedicate some time to completing my SoCal lectures and handouts, so I can wipe my brow at finishing that task. Saturday, hubby and I had an appointment with the realtor, followed by Becky and I going to the movies to see The Hunger Games again. Yes, I teared up a second time and can safely say, I really do think it's a phenomenal movie. Sunday was a horrendous day. I woke up with lots of plans, but by midday, I was wretchedly sick with a migraine, which lasted through the night.

So onto the dilemma ... hubby and I looked at several houses on Saturday, one of which is down the street from Erin. When everything was said and done, hubby once again felt we weren't house people whereas I felt I could see myself living in one of the houses. Yes, it's an older house and would require a bit of TLC, not much mind you, but some, but I could see the potential. Hubby did not see it. I gave him twenty-four hours to mull things over before I asked him to truly think about this house. Based on current asking price, it would be cheaper than our rent. Yes, there are the expenses of up-keep, but our rent increase next year will push us past what is livable for me. I like the space the house affords. I can see myself coming home and relaxing without feeling intruded on by my neighbors. I can see myself entertaining at this house, which is a plus. It is very open and welcoming.

Hubby on the other hand sees the cost and the work only. Mind you, earlier this weekend, he informed me that he could get a newly renovated apartment that includes a washer and dryer set for an extra $100 a month. I told him to go for it. He whined that was another $1200 a year. For those who know how atrocious his current apartment is, you know the price shouldn't matter. His place hasn't been renovated in well over 20+ years and seriously needs an overhaul, so I think it is worth the money, especially as he will feel more comfortable with his decision to stay in Muncie. But for him, it in not worth the cost.

As with the dog, we know every aspect of the house will fall on me, which I can live with at this point, but I need help with the expenses, which to hubby aren't worth it. This creates the dilemma. The rental community in the Fort in very limited. I like the amenities of my complex, but hate the complex and the prices keep increasing. I keep asking him where am I going to live, but he has no answer. My answer is in a house, but can I handle all that responsibility?

To Buy or Not to Buy?

I know, I know, we've had this discussion numerous times. I'm a horrible homeowner. I don't enjoy the yard work and all the little fixer upper jobs that need to be done. When I was a homeowner, I spent every weekend working on something with the house, lamenting owning it. Now mind you, I lived in Florida, in a neighborhood that went to shit before we moved in thanks to the housing boom, and was in a deed restricted area. Hello, you try keeping St. Augustine grass lovely during the summer heat spells when your sprinkler system breaks. Hubby and I had a wonderful realtor when we first moved up here, who showed us several scary houses in the remote regions between our two places of employment. It wasn't for us.

So, I've been a somewhat content apartment dweller, in the aspect that they do all my repairs, yet I hate the complex, owners, and neighbors (except Becky). The complex has been on a downhill slide for a long while. It was bought out for the third time a few months ago and still seems to be going down. We'll ignore the fact, they can't seem to clear a sidewalk when it's icy and focus on the fact that they keep raising the rent far more than market value. It's ridiculous.

So with all this in mind, I visited Erin's new house and, gasp, fell in love. She lives in a beautiful area of town, with rolling hills, almost an acre lot, and lovely old trees, lots of privacy, and no deed restrictions. Her house is cute with some nice trimmings. I came home and told hubby, I want a house like hers. So after much debate over the fact that we're bleeding money and next year, I may not be able to afford the rent, we're on the path to considering hiring another realtor.

Yes, I'll hate the yard work, yet it won't be based on the previous exact standards. I'll have to do most of the house work myself since hubby only "visits." But I can't help but think about the difference between leasing a car and buying a car. I've paid off my car, which is a relief and I just pay for taxes, fees, and maintenance. Wouldn't it be nice for to have the same situation for my home? Especially considering we could get a house for cheaper than my rent, which keeps going up. It's really left us with a huge question hanging over our head. Should we buy or not?

To Buy or Not To Buy?

So, I've been house hunting for the past month. I've seen some houses I would love, but couldn't reasonably afford and I've seen some that were downright scary. My husband discovered a house he likes this weekend. I think it's a nice house that's been maintained and is affordable. It's not a house I would have chosen, but it's nice. My dream house is just not out there. The dilemma...am I really a house owner. I don't like the yard work or repair work that a house entails. My game plan is to pay someone else to do it for me. A house means space and privacy for me. Something I desperately crave. But is a house a good option for me? I know many people know they want to buy a house. I wish I could be one of those people. I continuously think of other things I can spend my money on, such as traveling. Do others have this same internal debate? Do others own houses who don't like gardening and home repair? I hate being a renter, but I like having others do my maintenance for me. Is there a compromise I'm not aware of? I'd love to hear from others. We are debating whether to purchase this home my husband found. My internal war has no winning sides at this point. I need a few pointers. Help!!!