Mad Mad World

The next few weeks are utter mayhem for me and hubby. I leave this week for California, where I will present three lectures and sit as a panelist for another session. Since I am officially on vacation, I have opted out of attending conference events and plan to only attend lectures and the exhibit hall before the panel session. Though I have a business dinner scheduled at 6:30 pm the evening I arrive, when my plane touches down at 6:15 pm. Supposedly, if my dinner partners order appetizers, the airport is small enough and close enough for me to make it to dinner. I've agreed to this, figuring after 12 hours of traveling, I'll want a real meal. I plan to play tourist during my free time at the conference, though my return home is chaotic. I have two lectures on my final day and will check out sometime in between, then make my way to the airport for the 12 hours of travel back to Indiana. The crazy 12 hours from my home to the conference is the result of a three-leg jaunt both ways.Once home, it's back to the housing grind as we'll be in the final week, with walk-throughs, closing, and acquiring the keys has been scheduled.

At the same time, it has suddenly hit me that my mom is mortal. Though she is doing better on the meds, she has far less energy due to a weaker heart and a dramatically increased chance of having a stroke. I am struggling with my fears and concerns over this situation. While the tests and procedures were being completed, I was able to cope because we were in the action phase and my job was to keep her on track. Now, we're in the coping phase, when the family has to adapt to the changes in her life. For me, this is the time I realize that I could lose my mom at any moment or she can adapt and live a long life, yet nothing is set in stone. I have never truly thought about life without my mother and now that I have, it is soul-wrenching. So I spend everyday grateful for every phone call with her, yet an underlying fear, which I hope will disappear in the coming months as she improves.

With all this mayhem comes loads and loads of stress. A few weeks ago, I had a bad episode, where my body shut down and my mental faculties were almost non-existent. I was frustrated by this episode because I desperately try to maintain my regiment, but no one can be prepared for the damage caused by stress. I read a lot of material about my condition and recently one article had some interesting insight into these episodes as I can never fully explain them. The article claimed that our episodes are the mental and physical equivalent to an average person not resting, napping, or sleeping for more than 40 hours. I found this an apt description because I suffer from full exhaustion, shakiness, and the inability to think straight, much less recall things or fully function, when I am in one of these episodes.

I am trying to focus on one day at a time within my world; on finding a balance in which I can rest and relax; and seeking comfort and help from friends because let's be honest, my world is always crazy even on a slow week.