My Summer Project

Back of the house

I know my mom and a few of my Florida pals thought I was crazy to consider a landscaping project. I definitely have a brown thumb and lack the time and patience it takes to maintain plant life. Add in the fact that the pretty plants usually aggravate my allergies and I should be the last person trying to improve their landscaping on their own. I couldn't ignore the need for this project as the grass near the back porch habitually was soggy and sometimes coated in moss, creating an unappealing back yard setting.

Next to the back porch

I am fortunate that my friend, Peggy, has such an amazing affinity for landscaping. Not only did she visit and make a multitude of recommendations, she drew up schematic of our future landscaping, including pics of the plants placed strategically on the drawing so I would know where to plant the bushes. She noted every detail including the number of each plant that should be purchased for this project. Since this pic, we bought more huechera palace purples to fill-in between the hydrangeas and hostas and we special ordered beacon silver lamium, but it arrived too late for us to plant.

Rock garden for planters

Peggy walked the property with us recommending other ideas such as how we could possibly plant around some of the groupings of trees that shade the yard and using planters in strategic places. Though the ground near our porch formed a marshland, hard clay dominated the terrain around the corner. Hubby and I took turns through the summer, digging a ditch through the clay so that we could create a rock garden. Planters of varying sizes and path lighting will be placed along the back of the house next spring.

Roses

The front of our house is an interesting grouping of flowering bushes with one exception ... a monstrous green bush that did not flower and constantly pricked us through our gloves when we tried to trim it. It was off-centered below our large front window and was very unsightly. Digging out the bush and the its roots was a lengthy operation as it used to completely fill this space. We planted roses surrounded by cat mint bushes to replace the former eyesore.

Lilies

You see that was the beauty of Peggy's advice. She took into account my lack of attention and patience in maintaining the landscaping yet balanced it with the variant sunlight exposure and water flow issues around the house. Then she took into account my favorite colors and produced a beautiful arrangement. A few days after we had everything planted, the lilies that inhabited the front landscaping bloomed, showering my yard with an array of colors. And for those who are curious, lilies are my favorite flowers so I was excited by these.

Standing Up to Those Ghosts

Living and working in Florida, I was continuously confronted with ghosts from my past. Hubby used to joke about the fact that while we dated, we regularly ran into men I had previously dated or people who generally despised me. Imagine your "first" being the waiter on one of your first dates. Or the guy who filed a discrimination complaint had seats next to you at a grand opening event. This was my life! And with such a drama-filled time span that included grad school, those ghosts made appearances in my professional life as well. My first week on the job at my previous two employers included someone commenting on "the crazy ex-wife" which was the lovely title given to me by Carol Ann, my ex's final betrayal who also happened to be affiliated with the grad school. Years later, my bio was used as the basis for a job description and when asked by the administrator why I would not apply for my "perfect" job, I had to explain that it was impossible for me to work with those on the current staff. I have avoided library association functions my entire career because of my uncomfortableness with being around certain people.

When nominated to the state leadership institute, I knew there was the possibility of some uncomfortable interactions but never did I imagine Jason, my nightmare, lecturing or sitting beside me at luncheons. These situations were handled with a smiling professional demeanor. No one was aware that my hands trembled or that I took long breaks so I could calm myself. A therapist once explained these reactions to me ... if you've been shot, you're afraid to be near a gun. Rationally, you know that you're safe, yet the object causes fear because all the associated emotions crash through your system.

I know there might be some who are scratching their heads, wondering who is this guy. Jason is my nightmare, who I never discuss. Only three people in my life know the full details of my version of what happened because it's a sick and cruel story. After everything with my ex, it is understandable why I have trust issues, but Jason's actions guaranteed I would refuse to form real friendships with anyone for almost four years until Mich came along. While in grad school, Jason became my defender in those awkward moments with my ex and his new girl, which led to me being a bit more open for the first time in a couple of years. Unfortunately, he was not to be trusted. Lessons I learned from this experience: don't ever associate with someone who is on friendly terms with your enemy; people have their own selfish reasons for being your friend and some of those reasons can be harmful; even when all the facts say your instinct is wrong and possibly insane, trust your instinct over the facts; every smile, frown, statement, opinion, reaction, and expressed emotion can reveal your unspoken secrets to those looking; and any revelation of the real you, your thoughts or feelings, rather than the veneer, means making yourself vulnerable, i.e. friendships equal vulnerability. It may sound harsh, but all of these things and more happened. I can honestly say if hubby and I had not been dating at the time, I would have remained single for a number of years after this experience.

So why am I revealing these limited details after all these years? Because I plan to stand up to these ghosts. I received an invite to a reception in honor of the ten year anniversary of the leadership institute, which was an advantageous experience for me as it altered my career path and provided me a wonderful professional network. My immediate excitement over reconnecting with this group in-person was overshadowed by the realization that I would be expected to interact with Jason once again. Fear at the thought of seeing him, much less having to converse with him as a former colleague, along with a slight fear of him casually remarking on my weaknesses in a public setting were soon overruled by my anger. I will not allow my fear to stop me from attending a function that professionally and personally benefits me. Once I had my mind set on attending, someone reminded me that Carol Ann will also be in attendance. I say ... bring it on! I'm tired of feeling ashamed and humiliated by the situations created by others. I never asked her to sleep with my ex and then disparage me nor did I ask him to mind fuck me.

How serious am I about attending this event? Will I let fear and avoidance control my actions, preventing me from seeing former colleagues and reveling in a celebration of my past achievements? The reception is scheduled for the weekend of NGS, which means vacation requests are not requested unless under special circumstances. Plus, it is the weekend following OGS, which I've had to request as vacation since I'm presenting. I will not back out of attending the anniversary reception since I have already submitted my vacation request. Cheryl, who graduated from the institute the year after me, plans to attend, so I'll have at least one individual in the vicinity should things become uncomfortable.

A Dicey Situation

Hubby and I have a regular discussion concerning who is worse off when it comes to shaving: men or women. Hubby claims that shaving his face everyday is very time consuming and there are concerns with skin irritation and razor burn. I've explained that women have more coverage area to shave than a man, we have the same concerns about skin irritation, and for some unfortunate women, shaving is an everyday occurrence. Eek! I've always let hubby believe I've accepted his argument until the next time the conversation makes an appearance.

Last week, I made a bold proclamation that caused a reaction though. I informed hubby that I was never shaving again. My reasoning ... in the past month I have injured myself three times and the final one may leave a permanent mark. During the conference, I sliced my knee and ankle pretty bad while preparing for the opening social. Thankfully, the nicks weren't noticeable that evening though it created a bloody mess in the hotel room. And while getting ready for some post-conference fun, I smacked my head on the underside of the shelf when rinsing my blade. For days, I had a bruised spot on the back of my head from that incident.

But the finale was while on my mini-vacay, when I slashed diagonally up the back of my calf. It took about half an hour to staunch the wound, which reopened when Mich and I were at lunch. Nothing more appetizing than a dripping bloody wound. Mich got me some Neosporin and bandages, but unfortunately, this wound does not want to heal.Ten days later and I still have what appears to be a healing scratch across my leg. Yes, I know this proves I am an absolute klutz, but we already knew that.

So I feel completely justified in saying that I will not ever shave again. Hubby seems to really be concerned about this as I have received emails and reviews concerning hair removal products. I've reminded him that I can always schedule lengthier sessions with Steve, my torturer, who is wonderful concerning my other beauty regiments, but hubby thinks I spend way too much time and money at the salon as it is.

Obviously, I will continue shaving, but my pronouncement and hubby's reaction proves my point that it is worse for women. Shaving is a requirement for most women because the alternatives are too pricey. Though I'm not a fan of facial hair, a man can grow a beard without comment, but a woman who doesn't remove hair growth will cause a stir. What do you think?

Secret Rendezvous Vacay

Erica, Crystal, Mel, Jen, Mich, Cheryl

How cool is it that we managed a secret rendezvous for Mich's birthday? Not only that, but Mich is such a fabulous friend that she also invited my Florida pals to join us. Jen and I have been friends since grad school, which makes her my oldest friend. Our paths crossed during undergrad at UF but we didn't meet until we both worked at the library in Tampa. Cheryl and I periodically carpooled together but strangely became better friends after I moved away. I have much respect and admiration for both of these ladies, so I was pleased that Mich arranged for all of us to get together including her other best friends, Crystal and Erica.

The gals found it hilarious that following the above pic, I requested an update on the football score from the very cute bartender. Since it was the second week of college football, I had my priorities. We ended up at a brewery listening to several bands while I had the perfect view of the game. We won't discuss my team's loss, my favorite coach's team's loss, or my cheering for a former enemy (though my turn to the dark side has pleased two of my male pals). I will admit to some shock that the music scene and the over-30 scene in the Fort is better than the city where we had our secret retreat.

Mich and I had many great meals, including a hunt for cheesecake and a yummy homemade meal courtesy of a secret special cook. We also went on several shopping expeditions, in which I netted some facial products, sex-me heels, and an awesome new watch that couldn't be resisted. Another favorite part of the trip is surprising Mich with fun birthday gifts and her surprising me with pumpkin flavored creamer. Another great weekend trip with Mich!

Sisterly Love

I have to say, I truly appreciate the comments I've received concerning my New Chapter post. One person told me, "about f*#%n time." While another person texted me, "I wanted to say so much, one of the things I love about your blog & u! is your honesty." So thanks for the kind words.

So I decided to spend my Thursday afternoon with three of my favorite people, Erin, Ian, and Emy. Erin had not realized what a tomboy I was until I started discussing He-man and Skeletor with Ian. Using chalk, I drew on the ground with Emy who is a snuggler. We played for a couple of hours and I left with some very fond memories. Ian holds a special place in my heart because of an incident following my hysterectomy, so I loved reading him a story while snuggled on the couch. I also was near tears watching Emy walk. She has such amazing strength, just like her mom. My favorite message of the day was from Erin that Ian had wanted me to come back over.

Mich and I had one of our three hour phone conversations the other night. Lots of deeply personal discussions concerning some of my recent epiphanies including my analysis of each of my close relationships. Mich was afraid of how I viewed our connection, but my response caused a huge laugh followed by some gushy girl talk.

This is in comparison to my conversation with my sister. Yes, I finally spoke with her. For those who aren't fully aware of the recent drama, here is a short synopsis: My sister sent me messages saying she was cutting me out of her life; that I have never done anything to help her or my nieces; that I tease my niece with plans then bail on her; that I spend more time with friends than family; and that I am a negative influence in her life, just like her ex, Adam, who was a bi-polar addict who physically attacked her and emotionally abused my niece; and much more.  This was all a bit much for me to take this year.

My sister was diagnosed with a neurological disorder during conference week and no, it's not the same type as mine. I can be understanding and supportive but I am amazed at the depths of my pain. As family, she gets another chance in my life, but it's unclear if I'm capable of getting past this.

The dynamics in my life are definitely changing. It truly is amazing how one kind word can get you through the moment. Erin's message about Ian helped me bounce back after conversing with my sister. So I'm going to enjoy these reminders of how blessed I am with the people in my life.

Learning to Relax

I am determined to find time with friends, even if it's a brief amount of time, so within the first five minutes of my vacay, I met up with Becky, Erin, Delia, and Peggy for Rock the Plaza. The gals and I have repeatedly planned to see Cougar Hunter but circumstances have always prevented it. I believe it was fate that the first time we saw the band, we were joined by Peggy and Delia (i.e. the guitarist, Ripp's, mother and former babysitter). Earlier in the day, Delia had commented on Ripp's tattoos and piercings which is a stark contrast to his elegant mother but she also declared that he was a wonderful son. I enjoyed the band and the range of artists they covered along with their showmanship, but what truly struck me was the very apparent love and respect between mother and son. There were many inside jokes and exchanges during the performance and the immediate hug and conversation behind the bandshell which was touching to see. 

So Mich, this is for you. This was the band we had planned to see when you last visited. So I couldn't resist requesting a pic with Ripp, who is the guitarist and keyboardist. It's hard to tell but he was wearing spandex and had numerous tattoos and piercings. I know how disappointed you must be to have missed this. Seriously, entertaining!

A New Chapter

Spoiler Alert: This is harsh!

Several people have mentioned that they miss my blog posts. I've also been told by at least four people that I need to return to my days of writing and not lose a key part of myself. So I feel the need to state that I have not given up on my writing. I have continued to write blog posts over the summer, but for good reasons none of them have been posted publicly.

I have been in a dark place this summer. Physically feeling unwell, numerous responsibilities and stresses, and several betrayals by people I trusted or respected have caused me to question myself and those around me. I discovered my writing had turned negative, ranting, and whiny, which are aspects of my personality that I truly do not like nor want to share with the world.

I am once again rediscovering me; the person I was, the person I am, and the person I want to be moving forward. This leads to a shifting in my focus. I am also on a journey of acceptance and a thorny path, one which nearly caused me to cut-off everybody in my life, until I vocalized the fears and distrust that had choked me this summer, and realized that I couldn't shut-out some exceptional people.

I have always been one who likes to periodically self-analyze to determine if I'm on the right path. It has taken major life events to trigger dramatic changes for me, but the analysis never stops. And though it may not seem like anything major happened this year, suffering through several emotional upheavals and betrayals has altered my landscape once again. This year, I have let life and other people control me, which is very much anti-me. This caused me to revert to self-preservation mode, which can be scary. I accept and admit, the bitch is back and she thanks everyone who reminded her of why she spent years being friendless because in the end, it's all about protecting oneself from being hurt.

That isn't to say I'm cutting everyone off. Far from it! I realized that the true and honest relationships I have, need to be cultivated and cherished more than I've given recently. And I'm truly sorry! There are those who have no idea how much their brief words of encouragement this summer have sustained me through some rough patches. But I have definitively drawn the line in the sand once again and plan to live the mantra, "fool me once..." and believe forgiveness is way overrated.

As for my writing, it has always been cathartic for me so I will once again begin publishing posts. And I promise they will be less intense than this one which I felt had to be written as an explanation for my silence. And for those who have asked, yes, I plan to find time to finish my rewrite on my last manuscript.

For those I trust and care about, I hope you will continue to read. Especially since several of you have asked me to share my writing once again. And to those who at any time encouraged me this summer, please do not be offended that I refused to lean on any offered shoulders, but take heart that your kind words may have been my saving grace. I recognize my fault in closing myself off from those around me, but truly at least once every few days, I was confronted with another drama-filled emotionally-draining situation and eventually didn't want to share. And finally, for those who have been patient with me and stuck around, thank you!