Not a Good Fit

As most of you know, I'm a strongly religious individual, though I'm private about my feelings, but if you've roomed with me, you know I dedicate time to daily devotionals and prayer. I was baptized in a Methodist church as a child, wear the crucifix my parents gave me at 16 when I practiced Catholicism, married into a Southern Baptist family, and began regularly attending a new Methodist church a few years ago. I felt a part of the church and enjoyed the weekly sermons and group activities. That is, until I had my health crisis. I place my faith in God's hands that he will guide me through my decisions and visited the prayer chapel when I had to make a critical life decision. The person manning the chapel that day is a respected member of my church, who does missionary work throughout the world. The day I visited, she gave me the worst advice I'd ever received in my life, to the point of placing everything in God's hands and basically turning my back on the medical advice I was receiving, to trust in the church community to help me, and ignore my strong support system. It was all very convoluted and distressing. She wouldn't even acknowledge my fears and thoughts. I quit going to church for months after this incident. I tried other churches, but didn't find any that fit and yearned for some feeling of connection with God while undergoing my health issues, so I returned to the same church, but attended infrequently. This weekend was a revelation to me that I didn't want to be a part of that organization any longer when I decided not to attend Easter services. My urge to not attend sent me in my new direction on this issue. So at this point in my life, I'll continue my personal relationship with religion, rather than be a part of an organized religious group.

Aging Gracefully

This year marks a milestone for birthdays. I know some of you think I'm ridiculous, but it's true. I turn 35 this year and with it, comes expectations. I expected to be set in my career, happily married, have at least one child, stability, a home, and all around finally feeling settled into my life. Of course, life likes to show us that we have no control. I have actually met most of my expectations, but of course, I've also altered my perceptions on what I expect from my life. I'm more flexible than the expectations that I created in my 20s. But every once in a while, I turn reflective and thinking about my birthday, which is a few more months away, brings it all to the forefront. This thought process began because Michelle got her plane tickets to fly up to celebrate my 35th. Isn't that sweet of her? And Becky, Erin, and I have been finalizing our plans for a party weekend in Chicago with Michelle. They're all such great friends!

So now my thoughts have turned towards vanity this week. I've learned to accept that no matter how much I workout, certain body parts will never look the same again. I've tried to accept the lines that are appearing on my face, but don't deny I'm a moisturizer fanatic. Long ago, thanks to my genes, I've adapted to the grays that like to streak and chunk my hair. I've adapted. But last night, another aging factor was pointed out to me. I was having my eyebrows waxed and the technician was kind enough to point out that mine are thinning in places or should we say, balding in places. Of course, there is a fix for this. Yes, I was aware, but didn't need the reminder.

I hope to age gracefully. I think I'm doing better than a lot of women. I didn't rant at my 30th birthday, I celebrated it and acknowledged all the accomplishments that made it better than my 21st. I know part of my issue this year has to do with my health issues, which do make me feel older than I am, but I refuse to let them get me down. So here's to aging gracefully and silently cursing those who point out our flaws.

Girls Night

Becky, Erin, and I went to the Museum of Art for College Night this past weekend. Yes, College Night, where the average age was mid-30s, though there were several members of the ten and younger crowd dancing in front of the stage. We went in support of Erin's sister's band, who was one of two acts performing at the museum. It was a fabulous night beginning with dinner at Henry's, though we had the world's worst waitress. When even kind Becky is leaving you a barely-there tip, you know it's bad service. I'm not a fan of art, except for glassworks and photography, and there wasn't much of that at the museum, but I was the good friend wandering around, looking at the exhibits, considering Erin's an artist and determined to get me to like art. Of course, we people watched and caught eyefuls of interesting outfits, while listening to the opening act, who looked rather young to our group. The band we had gone to see were amazing as always and we hob-knobbed with assembled acquaintances and Erin's family. We ended the evening early, hey, this was a kiddie's show at the museum, by visiting the downtown Starbucks for a nightcap and more chatter. All around a great night with the gals!

Messages

Hubby and I have differing schedules, so sometimes the only communication we have for the day is via email. Sometimes the emails are all about plans for the weekend or details of our day. Some are crazy messages from hubby, like the time he explained he had a last minute report due the next day that entailed him time traveling to accomplish it, but he didn't recall time traveling being part of his job description. Or him finishing a rant I want to begin about something involving my day.

Or I receive messages like this one when I'm upset about falling and injuring myself: "Unbelievable; it’s really almost (what’s the opposite of a miracle) a curse. I believe at some time in the past a member of your family must have offended a gypsy, or defiled a corpse, or threw a baby at a troll, or stepped on a fairy, or broke a very large mirror, also a crack might have been stepped on, or traded three magic beans for a favor from a demon, and then it turned out that the beans weren’t really magical but the demon ate them anyway and as a result had horrible indigestion, and then, of course, as is often the case with these demons; who are here illegally taking jobs from American soothsayers, a curse was placed upon your family that caused you to slip and fall in the not too distant future."

Tonight I received a message with this subject line and the following message:
Harry (is that an Edward in your pocket, or are you just happy see me) Potter

I noticed the Twilight Companion book (it’s only been advertised for about a year) and the new Harry Potter DVD are both being released this Tuesday. Muggles and vampire nerds rejoice. I guess the streets will be safe for us normal folk this weekend. Oh, wait…

So hubby is a bit crazy, but he keeps me laughing even during my rants.

Timing

As I wrote my last blog post, I was suffering from what amounted to a week long headache. I just assumed it was our crazy weather, which went from the 40s to 80s to 60s. But then I went into full migraine mode. Not your garden variety migraine but one that lasted almost 24 hours and had me debating a visit to the ER for one of those pain shots. I literally dragged myself into work the next two days though I still was suffering from the remnant effects of the migraine, you know the lovely throbbing headache, dizziness, and waves of nausea. Such a joy! My colleague, Steve, was kind enough to say, he honestly didn't know if I was going to make it. Which we all know, I did push my way through the work day.

I began to question the timing of these headaches. They had started a week before and all my pain and pressure was in my sinus cavity area, but I felt absolutely dry. I read up on my new medication and discovered headache is the 4th listed side effect and some patients end up with dry throat and dry sinuses. This put the brakes on for me. I've had four, yes, four sinus surgeries. I can't fly without doing a full regiment of meds and inhalers to insure my sinuses don't dry out. My experience with the flu this year was exacerbated by dried sinuses. I'm not allowed to have dry sinuses because of my sinusitis condition. So I immediately quit taking my meds. The first day, I felt better and the second day, I'm amazingly almost normal.

At this moment, I'm planning a break from the meds. The UI will of course worsen, but I've been sick for a month now thanks to side effects. So that's my rant for the day!

Yucky Side Effects

Since so few people read me, I can discuss my yucky stuff that people have asked about, but I've avoided answering at times. As most of you know, I had a hysterectomy nearly a year ago. When you go in for surgery, the docs like to list the gazillion things that could go wrong or conditions that could develop post-op. It's always a joy. What's more fun, is when you actually do develop three out of the gazillion possible conditions. This is what happened to me two months into my recovery. One of the conditions (UB) really doesn't effect me, whereas another one (VB) can flare up and cause some problems periodically. At my last treatment, I was 90% healed. Yes, not only do I get to suffer the conditions, but also their "fun" treatments. The treatment for VB is rather unpleasant and I'm hoping to be 100% cured quickly.

The final condition, we'll call UI. It has been the bane of my existence. Apparently some women just develop this condition, which can readily be treated with meds. So I tried med #1, which was supposed to be the best on the market. It takes three months for the med to kick in, but I immediately developed an uncomfortable side effect. The meds never fully worked and the side effect got so bad I was taking OTC meds daily for the side effect. Then the meds gave out and I was fully symptomatic, plus I was wretchedly sick from the side effect that even OTC medicine no longer helped.

Now we're on med # 2. Some of the same side effects, but they haven't escalated yet, but I've developed some new ones as well, such as hot flashes. Joy! I would like to experience menopause when the time is right, which isn't now. But, wait for it, my condition still hasn't abated.

Now, how bad is the UI? Is it worth all this trouble? Yes! The UI effects my daily life and stress can increase my symptoms. I enjoy the vicious cycle of having a flare up, getting stressed over the flare up, and then getting worse with no reprieve in sight. My favorite aspect of my job is giving tours or presentations, but I go fully symptomatic due to the stress involved in these activities. I've learned to plan and revolve my life, as best as I can, around the UI, but obviously it still dominates my life.

So at this point, I have an evaluation in May to see where we're at, which is no where in my opinion. I think we need to try another medication, which means another round of side effects. I no longer chuckle when I see those commercials that list the hundreds of possible side effects to a prescription drug, since I'm now one of those experiencing the pain of it.

P.S. To add to this discussion, we have two groups in today and we've been running 3-4 deep in line at the desk. I've struggled with what to do. When I'm in the middle of a question and can't retract, plus there are people waiting, but I have to leave the desk to "take care of personal things," I end up staying at the desk which physically hurts me along with causing an "episode." I'm not sure how to best handle the situation. It's hard to walk away in these situations much less pull away from the customer. Today's example, I was literally trapped at the desk for 1.5 hours, so there was no way I could wait it out. And this is the beginning of group season where this situation will keep happening. And I wonder why I'm frustrated.

Hi There!

I've been viewing my google statistics the past month and have discovered people are reading me that I don't know, which is cool! But I would like to at least have a hello. So, if you read my blog, could you comment to this post saying hi! so I can feel as if I've "met" you. It's all a part of the online community feeling and since I write about my opinions, friends, family, and some personal things, it helps to know who's participating. So "drop by and say hi!" Then you can return to anonymity.