Brotherly Love

Since I had some free time this weekend, I decided to tell my siblings about my situation. Several people have made me tear up with their kind words, but my brother, John, wins the award for making me a sobbing mess. As many of you know, the relationship between me and my family members is very dynamic. I left my parents' home at eighteen and never looked back. At the age of thirty-one, I ran away from home and moved 800 miles away. There is always some massive DRAMA! in my family and for the sake of self-preservation, I couldn't deal with it anymore. My refusal to participate in the carousel of horror caused a great many conflicts between me and my family, which still impact our relationships today.

So back to my brother, John, who I have been slowly reconnecting with the past few years. In response to my news, John made the following remarks. He told me that no matter what happens in this life, that I am his big sister and he has always admired me. Though he hated our years of separation, he always knew that I loved him. He couldn't ever make-up for the pain he caused, but that he would do anything to help me. That I do not realize the impact I've had on his life. His fondest memories are of all the times I took him to college sporting events because that was our thing and I seemed to enjoy having my kid brother around. Those memories have helped him in keeping focused on what's important; having that connection with family. He said I was there when he stumbled and fell, so he wanted to help me through my rough times. He wanted me to know that he always looked up to me because I was always the one who seemed so strong and to know what I was doing. After I had stumbled, I rebuilt my life and became the person I wanted to be rather than the one my circumstances dictated. I was the example he wanted to follow because he was so impressed with me.

After all the years of fighting to save my baby brother, these words were the thing to make me break. I have documented our struggles from my letter on his 25th birthday to my melancholy over lost time with him to my fears of the call and my need for self-preservation. To have him say these words to me, after all the years of drug-induced anger and hate-filled words, it was extremely emotional. To hear him say that he admires me was a blessing.

The baby brother who trailed after me, sought my advice about girls, and asked me to cheer at his sporting events is long gone and has been since the day he stole my car and my money. A horrible person replaced him the first night he was arrested and I hung up on him when he used his one phone call to contact me. The pathetic creature who sat stonily through the intervention and didn't care that he was destroying the family forced me to decide that I could not watch his death. I stuck to my rules during the intervention and have allowed John back in my life as he struggles with staying clean. And I am very proud of the man I spoke with today.

Thankgiving Musings

I had plans to post sooner, but the plague stole all my energy and prevented me from sharing my Thanksgiving weekend adventures. I love Thanksgiving! It is representative of the fall season, includes a large family meal featuring all my favorites, kicks-off the holiday season which requires decorating the house while reminiscing over the various ornaments and trinkets, and the weekend is dominated by state rivalries in college football.

Dad, Mom, Mel & James

My mom is the youngest of eight kids, meaning we have a large family who are scattered across the US so it is rare for us to get together. Though our last family reunion was almost twenty years ago, I remain close with some of our relations while there are others who I haven't seen in what feels like forever.

My Aunt Kay does not realize that I have been aware of her struggles and they have greatly influenced my life. I admire her strength and perseverance, her friendship with her ex and daughter, and her love of my mom. Kay survived breast cancer at a young age but required a full mastectomy. She was one of the women whose silicone implants leaked, poisoning her body and destroying one of her lungs. Kay's remaining lung is failing and she was denied a transplant hence a decision was made to have a reunion, in order to have these final memories with her.

James and I drove to a little town outside of Pittsburgh to spend Thanksgiving with almost fifty other people, most of whom hubby had never met. In order to prepare James for the mayhem of a loud family reunion, we began our road trip with lots of loud singing, i.e. my singing. REM was the band of choice for this trip but Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, and Linkin' Park had quite a bit of airtime.

Dale sharing his genealogy research

I spent the majority of the trip discussing family history with my Uncle Dale, who has researched with me in Salt Lake and more recently reviewed my brick wall. Dale brought more than a hundred pages of research with him from Denver because he wanted my opinion on his recent discovery. Following the trail I had given him in October, he had finally uncovered the missing link that had hindered my research for more than a decade and had progressed back two generations. One of my proudest moments at the reunion was listening to him share his findings with his siblings. He was really enthused and a quick study. As he was showing off one document, he pointed out some random numbers and remarked, Melissa says this indicates his property. He went on and on and on, detailing my explanation of what it signified and how he should approach the next steps of his research as well as my remarks on military research. I appreciated hearing him tell the family that I really knew my stuff, especially since my family doesn't understand my work.

Rose, Kay, Mom, Dale, Ken & Arthur

Though I spent time with my parents on Wednesday night, Mom was busy with her siblings, leaving James and I to entertain dad on Thanksgiving. It was worth the drive, in order to be with my parents for the holiday. Unfortunately, Kay's health had taken a downturn and she could not travel to Pittsburgh, so my uncle rented a van and the siblings drove to Baltimore to spend the day with her.

James and I returned back home with weekend plans, but the plague set-in delaying our decorating and preventing me from watching football. Through the power of drugs, I managed to see Catching Fire with Becky and Erin as part of our semi-annual movie night though it's a bit of a blur, which means I now have an excuse to see it again. The plague took its toll on me, but I still had a nice holiday with my parents, had James setting up the Christmas tree and taking care of me.

Mom & Dad's Visit

Mom & Dad

Mom and dad visited this past weekend. Every time I see my parents, it is an emotional experience for me. Part of the emotion stems from regretting the missing time with my mom. The other part of it is my continued anxiety over my mom's health. Then there is the relationship between me and my dad. We have a good relationship now but for many years, we were completely at odds. When I'm with both of them, the dynamic is very intriguing. My mom and I can discuss any topic and our conversations are detailed and very emotional. There is no hesitation in our displays or expressions of affection. On the other hand, my dad and I are very business-like and non-emotional. I can list the times my father has expressed his love for me. The last time I said the words was when my mother-in-law was dying and I wanted my dad to know how I felt. The uncomfortable silence before he reciprocated made it the last time. I know he loves me but it's difficult for him to express his feelings.

Find the cat & dog during the game

The visit was nice, with mom and I looking over family photos and making meals together. Growing up, my sis and mom cooked so I never had that joy making these moments extremely important to me. Dad and I spent a good amount of time watching college football, baseball, and episodes of HIMYM. Dad likes a good argument and we had one concerning FSU's ridiculously high ranking and who was the better conference, the SEC or ACC. It did not help my argument that several of the ranked SEC teams lost their games. Then my dad watched the Red Sox vs. Tigers baseball game. I honestly have no personal interest in baseball but dad was appalled when I cheered for Detroit. Phrases such as "you've gone to the dark side cheering for these MI teams," or "I don't know about you anymore," were uttered until he finally asked, "how can you cheer for Detroit?" I explained that I do it to be supportive of a friend but also because though I don't know anything about baseball, according to Mich, you never cheer for the Red Sox unless they are playing the Yankees, who you never cheer. Dad insisted that Mich had to cheer for Boston, which led to several texts where I proved that I know my girl. Dad and hubby enjoyed some camaraderie over me and Mich being haters. (Pot meet kettle.)

Mom & I researching

There were several deep discussions concerning the various family situations that my parents have encountered on this road trip. Then we spent 90 minutes via speaker phone with my uncle discussing our family research. It felt like being at work, explaining how to analyze documents and the best search methodologies. My mom has offered my "free" research services to two family members and a family friend.

I had been nervous discussing my reticence to visit the family in FL because I was unsure if I could interact with my sister without displaying my hurt feelings. I felt better when at the end of the trip, mom offered to visit whenever I wanted. This allows me alone time with her without a confrontation with my sister. My point was proven when I had a fun conversation with my brother who is thinking about visiting. Mom never expected my brother and I to renew our relationship but he's been clean for several years now which is all I ever wanted of him. My parents' visit was a welcome respite during what has been a chaotic month.

A Doozy

N's Homecoming

Last week was a bit of a rough one yet it did have its positive moments such as me receiving these photos. Instead of torturing everyone with every gory detail I'll just synopsis it for you. 

My week began with a motion sensitive migraine so it took a few days for me to accept that I might actually be sick. Mich mentioned that she believed I had the stomach flu which I denied, but was later diagnosed by the doctor. This would be the same doctor who thought it was wise to ask me about my menstrual cycle. 

Then Mom was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and tumors of the parathyroid gland. She will consult with a surgeon after her current road trip. Apparently, this condition can remain undiagnosed for years yet cause enough damage to the body that you're twice as likely to suffer from heart disease and a stroke. Mom wonders if the sudden decline in her health was triggered by this hidden condition. Arterial fibrillation runs in the family so I doubt it, but she needs something to blame, especially as this is yet another genetic condition.

This was preceded by the news that my mom's sister, Kay, was declined from the lung transplant list. Her current prognosis is 18 months or possibly the next infection. This has been very hard for everyone.

So a bit of a rough week. The shining moment of the week though was my conversation with N on Saturday as she prepared for Homecoming. My sister said it meant a lot to N to hear from me. That N had been nervous about the dance but that I had helped. My sis sent me pics which was very nice of her. N is definitely not a little girl anymore.

Motherhood

Curly haired girl

Between pregnancy announcements, hanging out with Erin and the kids, and lengthy discussions with a loved one concerning the options available for those wanting children, parenthood has been a common thread in recent conversations. And of course yesterday, I had yet another doctor ask me about my last menstrual cycle, which caused me to physically flinch and the doc to apologize. Seriously, I can't understand how my primary care's office can't have something in the notes field that states, patient had a hysterectomy but that's a slightly altered conversation than the focus of today's blog post.

Recently, I have become better acquainted with two other ladies who have no interest in becoming mothers, which is somewhat foreign to me. I regularly documented in this blog my ambivalence at having a kid. My final decision was instigated by circumstances rather than a desire to never have children.

Visiting War of 1812 ancestors

Now I would not call myself promiscuous but I was definitely an early bloomer when it came to sex. The price for my misadventures was revealed when at the age of nineteen, I was informed that severe scar tissue limited the possibility of a full-term pregnancy. With my 20% chance of ever having children, I watched numerous friends enjoy healthy pregnancies while I yearned to have a child. Yep, you read that right ... I wanted to be a mother.

I spent a decade figuring I was practically infertile and if some miracle occurred, so be it. Following a laparoscopy, the doctor gave us another shock. My scar tissue had overgrown and shifted my organs causing some severe health complications, so the surgeon burned away all the scar tissue. There was nothing preventing a pregnancy and my chances had increased to 100%. I had undergone the procedure because of other health concerns and fertility had not been a consideration.

N's 1st trip to Busch Gardens

The condition that finally led to my hysterectomy had been suppressed by continuous hormone treatments for more than fifteen years until I maxed out at the legal limit and my symptoms became very apparent. With all these hormone issues, there was a brief window when the docs thought I was pregnant. For more than month, I was monitored and given prenatal care until the heartbreaking phone call informing me that I was not an expectant mother.

All my plans to eventually become pregnant at some point in the vague future became an immediate decision once I was finally diagnosed with my condition. Initially, the docs gave me two years to get pregnant, but my condition accelerated at an alarming rate, increasing my chances of developing cancer. Then the window shrunk to ninety days unless new treatments suspended the condition, but that would only afford me a reprieve for possibly a few more years. Either way, I would eventually require the hysterectomy.

N's 1st trip to Gators

I decided that with the immediate circumstances, I was not prepared to become a mother. The day I met with the doctor to schedule my surgery, I basically lost it. Delia was the recipient of that hysterical phone call and was kind enough to sit with me while I agonized over the situation. The doc refused to perform the surgery because of my state of mind and once again offered me the alternatives in order to prevent cell growth. As most of you know, the treatments failed in some rather spectacular fashions. Who can forget the mild labor pains for more than a month, me going into shock, or the discovery that there was a secondary issue. After months of the emotionally and physically draining treatments, I was ready for it to be over and agreed to the hysterectomy.

Dressing N for Halloween

Do I regret not having kids? Yes and no! It's still that peripheral vague notion. I can't imagine my life if I did have kids. But there are those moments such as the holidays or when I think about the future, when I feel sad that there are no children or grandchildren in my future. I used to take comfort in my relationship with my nieces but my sis has not made contact with them easy for me so I've lost this very important relationship in my life. This was brought home to me this week when my mom informed me that N is attending the homecoming dance this weekend. My curly haired girl has become a young woman and yet I'm reminded that though I've played a large role in her life, I'm not her mother nor am I allowed to participate as much as I would like in her life for the moment.

Give and Take

I regularly remark on the give-and-take relationship dynamic because I have been in many situations where I'm the giver and rarely, if ever, is it reciprocated. I do not sustain these relationships with friends and partners but due to family ties, I regularly find myself giving until there is nothing left of me to my family. I have written over the years about my family drama and my tactics for self-preservation yet still question my handling of the situation.

When I visited Florida in January, there was more drama but I washed my hands of it. My sister had not been feeling well and was awaiting test results. Of course, every conversation revolved around this topic and her self-diagnosis. This is one of the reasons I cringe when discussing my health issues. Yes, my health issues affect every aspect of my life, but they do not define who I am. I refuse to use them as a crutch or conversation topic. But my sis enjoys have drama in her life, so I figured this was another issue that she would exploit. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with a thyroid tumor, but a minute one that could not be biopsied. Her blood tests do not show elevated white cell count, hence it's most likely a benign growth.

My final day visiting, I was completely frustrated by the continuous discussion, especially since I rarely get any support concerning my health issues (i.e., Mich drove me to the seminar, no nap time considerations, and repeated late night phone calls). The perfect ending for me was discovering that my family was aware that sis was dating (when she's not supposed to be) a married man. And when I questioned sis about it, she lied to me repeatedly.

Fast forward five months and I have not spoken to my sis. I received several text messages this past week and finally a post on my facebook page saying she needed her older sister. I should have remembered, no good deed ... After listening to my sis rant for a solid five minutes about needing to see a cardiologist; that she has the same heart condition as our mother; and she's not 35 yet, but her body is falling apart on her, I finally lost it. My irate response had to do with the fact that she has not been diagnosed with anything yet; I've been seeing cardiologists since my 20s and have not received the dreaded diagnosis because there are plenty of other minor things that could cause these issues; and maybe she should consider taking better care of herself.  I received the "you just don't understand" response, which infuriated me. I pointed out that if she had ever bothered to contact me in the past six months, she would know that I've had multiple cardiac episodes, currently take medication to regulate my heart rate and that I've had to make major lifestyle adjustments in order to deal with everything.

At the end of this call, I was left feeling empty. Years ago, I was close to my sister, but now, she is a complete stranger. I listened to her, feeling bad that she is facing this uncertainty, yet experiencing it from a distance. The divide between us has widened to a yawning chasm that runs deeper than I ever realized. My siblings have our parents to support them through whatever crisis develops. I have an amazing set of friends, who have become my family to guide me through the rough times. My family has regularly forgotten to call me for the holidays, where as my friends call or message me with greetings. So I was amazed at how unsympathetic I must have sounded to my sis, but I just felt so completely empty while listening to her and couldn't find the words to demand, when is it her turn to worry about me?

Mommy

Mom and I 2012

My father took this photo of my mom and I when they visited this past fall. I felt a sense of deja vu the first time I saw it as my father had taken a similar picture of us nearly 20 years ago. When I found the original photo in my senior year scrapbook, I was touched to see the inscription I had written below the photo. Just like parents refuse to admit that they have a favorite child, children don't like to admit that they have a favorite parent. For me, it's not favoritism, but rather having completely different relationships with each of my parents. As I've grown into adulthood, my understanding of my father has solidified creating a stronger relationship. But growing up, I was very close to my mother. I had the mother who was my friend but also my disciplinarian. My siblings and I had friends who would regularly visit so they could discuss their problems with my mom because though she would tell you that she disagreed or was disappointed with you, mom always let you know that you were loved. As a teenager, when I required birth control or needed someone to help me with a unconscious drunk friend, I never hesitated to turn to my mother. She did not condone the behavior, but she provided a safe haven in a crisis.

Mom and I 1993

My relationship with my mother began to change when I began to feel the need to lie to her during my dark years. When I was at my lowest point though, two people saved my life, mom and John D. My mother once again offered a safe haven to weather the storm and though I did not reveal all to her, she heard more horror stories than any parent should learn about their child. If that safe haven had not existed for me, I'm not sure how well I would have healed.

When I began to rebuild my life, another transition occurred in our relationship; my siblings began having major crisis that required mom's attention and I developed into a stronger person.When hubby recently told me about his conversation at our wedding with my mom, hubby remarked that mom saw me so clearly. My mom does see me, but that is also why I continue to struggle with our relationship. She recognizes my strength and has leaned on it when dealing with my siblings' crisis over the past decade but it blinds her to my weaknesses. During my visit in August, mom discussed her fears of dying and abandoning my siblings. She asked me to step-in to help them. (I refuse to discuss that request any further.) Mom thinks I can accept her death better than the others as I'm the strongest of the bunch. She acknowledged that I would be upset, but that I would bounce back quickly. These words slashed me to pieces at the time. I was very hurt by them because I have such anger at the time I lost with my mom during those dark years, then in the past decade because we disagreed about my siblings, and more recently because I live 800 miles away.

Mom and I 1980

I do not believe in regrets. I think it is a waste to spend time second-guessing yourself when the decision was made based on what was known at the time. Because of this belief, I have only a handful of regrets in my life but one of those regrets is losing a second of time with my mom. I'm only strong because I emulated the strength I saw in her; because she gave me someone to trust when I lost all faith; because she encouraged me to be this willful stubborn woman; and because of her love. My strength falters when I think of losing her because through it all, she is my mommy.

Sisters

As much as I love my sister, which I do, time and again, I question my tolerance level. I'm continuously told that I'm loved and missed. Personally, I think the more accurate word that should be used instead of missed is needed. Every conversation that we have is focused on her continual crisis with no consideration of what is going on in my life. Ask her questions about my life and what I'm dealing with and she would be incapable of answering. That sounds harsh, but it is the truth

While in Florida, I was told that I should be completely grateful and appreciative to Mich for driving me to the east coast as no one in my family considered offering to play chauffer. Why would they? Because it would mean admitting that I have a weakness and periodically require help from others, which is unacceptable because I'm the giver in these relationships. If Mich had not offered to drive me, I would have needed to rent a car and pay for an extra night in a hotel because I would have been unable to drive after six hours of playing headliner and presenter at a conference. I mentioned the comment to Mich, who laughed. Mich said she was being absolutely selfish driving me because it meant uninterrupted Melissa-time with me in the car, seeing me lecture, free meals, and a hotel near the beach. Mich didn't mind me crashing as soon as we got to the car or that I required an out-of-the-way Starbucks run upon waking.

When I came back from my trip, I was met by my welcome party, which moved me to tears. Becky and Erin picked me up from the airport and insisted on a meal so I could get everything out of my system. Before we ordered, the waitress asked if we were sisters, which is a bit humorous because in so many ways we are. Whether a minor or major situation, we always find a way to help each other. Last week, I requested a movie night with no work talk. These gals readily agreed, providing me with a much needed break.

This is what sisters and friends do for each other. If one needs a shoulder, then the other offers and it is reciprocated. For me, I abhor one-way relationships, which is why I've struggled over the years with friendships. I expect the give and take of a friendship/ relationship to go both ways and when it becomes a one way street, I lose patience. I love my sister. I worry about her everyday because of the decisions that she makes but I refuse to punish myself by calling and checking on things. I know when a crisis erupts that she'll call, but in the meantime, I'd prefer to surround myself with healthier relationships.

10 Years and Counting

Our Wedding
Feb 2003

Ten years ago, James and I were married in a beautiful afternoon ceremony that was shared with a few loved ones. Honestly, most of the day is a blur though a few moments stand out. I recall mom and I hugging and crying and my veil getting caught in her glasses which caused us to laugh. I remember all the dancing, including my parents performing some wild moves. Patricia, James' mom, giving a heart-touching toast about her bachelor son. James and I starving but only managing to eat a slice of cake until after the reception when we snuck away to Red Lobster.

This past week, James and I have been a bit introspective as we looked through our wedding albums. It should come to no surprise that I own three albums. We've had several email discussions about the past ten years and our marriage.

Anniversary in New Zealand
Feb 2007

Most of the time, James does not care to discuss his feelings. When he proposed and in the subsequent years, he has regularly remarked that we work as a couple because of our camaraderie. So it was shocking this week, when he has repeatedly moved me to tears with the emotion and sentimentality in his emails.

Vacation in NYC
Nov 2009

The one that amazed me the most was his recollection of a conversation with my mother:

Your mother told me this on our wedding day, and I knew it was true from the moment she said it.  It was just a fact that hadn't been stated.  "She's more than she realizes and I hope she can see in herself the confidence and beauty I see in her, and I hope you can see it also."

Thanks to James, I've had the chance to accept myself, faults and all, because this amazing guy saw all those faults and accepted me anyways. He's given me the space to take chances and test myself, while providing the loving reassurances to keep me grounded. He's gone so far as to encourage some of my adventures such as moving to Indiana. 

Dinner with friends
 Aug 2011

I can't encompass a decades worth of memories in one blog post but I can unequivocally state that I hope the next ten are as exciting as the first. Though I am amazed by the person that I have become thanks to his love and support, I am surprised daily at the dynamic between us and the life we've built together.

2013 Goals

Many you have commented on the fact that I have not posted on this blog in a while. Honestly, I had planned to continue posting, but life got in the way. Then suddenly, I realized that it is February and I have not even reviewed my 2012 goals or created new ones. As many of you know, I do not believe in resolutions but prefer to set goals for the year. In 2012, my entire focus was on making major life decisions and directing my career. I managed to complete a majority of my goals including buying a house, being promoted at work, heavily researching my family, and joining the UDC. The one goal that I completely let slide was my writing, which has barely been touched.

I know this will shock some of you, but I admitted to myself that I did not have time for RWA so I let my membership lapse. This year is going to be busy and I am committed to my new position, then my new position with the FGS board, and maintaining the new house. This year my goals are entirely selfish. They are entirely focused on taking care of myself and my needs.

1. Dedicate 10 minutes a day to a workout or stretching routine
Since my diagnosis, I have had to give up my hour-long workouts and weekly walks on the trails. In the past year, I have lost the majority of my muscle tone and can not lift heavy items. Hubby and I are discussing hiking in Hawaii for our anniversary trip, but at the moment, I'm not in shape.

2. Dedicate an hour a day to myself
Salon appointments, research time, and writing does not count as part of the hour. These routines used to relax me, but have now become "work" in my mind. This hour means not answering the phone, checking e-mail, or making plans with friends. If I work and it is the only hour I have to myself, the plan this year is to choose myself. Though I love my family and friends, I need my time. As for the calls, on average I receive two lengthy calls a night. Lengthy being defined as more than thirty minutes. Just for example, the other night I had back-to-back phone calls from five different people who all left voicemails that they desperately needed to talk to me. This dominates most of my night, leaving me with very little time to get other things accomplished.

And though I may work my regular job, I have other responsibilities with my outside speaking and the board. In January, I spent five hours on conference calls, hours on email for both of these entities, four days traveling and speaking, and the hours creating new lectures. This is work outside my typical workday. Hence the need for time to myself.


3. Establish a routine to handle my condition
I truly should have a set schedule. One that can be varied from periodically, but one that provides my body and mind with the necessary rest. Since my doctor adjusted my dosage, my sleep pattern has been all over the place I have not been able to establish a routine. I plan to see a neurologist to find a secondary method in dealing with those times that I can not maintain a routine. My current dilemma is my work schedule and life is not conducive for the rigid schedule required of my body. Within one week, I'll break pattern multiple times. I need to find a fix for those times.

4. Spend more time with Erin's children 
Following Emy's health crisis this year, Becky and I made a pact that we would spend more time with Erin's children so that if there was ever another emergency, the kids would feel comfortable being left with us.

So my 2013 Goals are completely selfish. I have chosen my career path and it fulfills something in me, so I need to make everything else work in conjunction with it. This year is all about me adapting to my various new roles, which takes a lot of time and energy, which are two things I lack. I've lost myself trying to please myself and others, hence my decision to make my desires the priority this year.

The Latest & Greatest

I figured I'd lay out the latest developments and answer some questions that people have been asking.

Between a research group (who were wonderful, but a group on their last day of a research trip), computer malfunctions, faulty elevators, someone completely off the rails, a customer who harangued one of our shelvers and called her stupid and ignorant, and the return of the guy who though I'd want to spend time with him and his girlfriend/ wife (seriously was giving me the creeps), it was a brutal Sunday. The last hour of my shift, I had depleted my reserves and was quite shaky, but there was nothing I could do because there were groups of people needing help. I pushed through and knew the moment my adrenaline kicked in, forcing me through the day and into the early morning hours. It's another one of those days when I can't control this diagnosis.

With Erin returning to work, several people have asked me the latest on Baby E and I can happily report that she is doing well. She has been diagnosed with a condition that requires medication and monitoring, but thanks to every one's prayers over the summer, she has not had any recent episodes. And of course having the amazing Erin and Chris as parents means E is receiving great care.

As for the other little girl in my life, my niece, N, has been released from the facility and is closely being monitored at several levels. She has been opening up about some painful situations and is talking about future activities, which is a good sign. She returns to school today so the family is a little antsy to see if the school will properly handle the bullying.

Then there are the things that fully brighten my day. Have you seen the latest college football rankings? Though I still believe the Gators will falter this year since we honestly have not had a strong showing the first three weeks against minor teams and beginning October 3rd, we'll start playing powerhouses like LSU, I am prepared to cheer for my conference. The SEC holds four out of the top ten slots and the 'Ole Ball Coach's South Carolina team is #7. The only downfall is FSU is still ranked and somehow in the top ten. People are comparing this team to the one from 1995, which was FSU's heyday though the Gators put a stop to their reign back then.

And of course there is my road trip this coming weekend with Becky. For anyone interested, you can join us in DeMotte, IN on Saturday, where I will present two lectures on Ancestry.com. After the lectures, Becky plans to take me to her favorite restaurant in that area. Then she'll kindly drive me back home since two hours of lecturing plus networking will deplete my energy and I'll require a nap, which is why it is so awesome that I have such a great friend who is driving.

The Dreaded Call

Me and N

My family loves drama. When I glance at the caller i.d., I question if this conversation will be a good one, a frustrating one, or that dreaded one. For the past ten years, I have waited for that final call, the one when my sister or mom tells me John has overdosed. This is not me being negative, rather me being prepared considering the circumstances. And in recent months, I have worried that the next call is about mom since her health issues are serious. These situations have weighed on me. John turns 28 in a few days, which leads to the inevitable mental argument; do I chance breaking my ultimatum from his intervention or do I plead with him for his life? I desperately want to believe this time is different. He has been so honest with me recently, yet I know how close to the edge he is and my mother's request concerning him can not be ignored.

N, Jo, & C

But before I could decide how I would handle the coming week, I received a completely different call. My niece, N, has been struggling through some harsh circumstances. N and I have a unique relationship since I'm a pseudo-mom to her. We've had some weighty discussions and I have done innumerable things to improve her life, some legal and not-so-legal in order to protect her. So I can clearly say she is my little girl. I have been so proud watching her blossom into an amazingly smart and beautiful young woman, who has a glowing future ahead of her, yet I received The Call. My beautiful little girl decided life was too painful, but thankfully she failed in her attempt and is currently being monitored.

Though I can barely discuss this situation without breaking down, there are several blessings. John was with my mom last night offering support. Jo and I have discussed how to get through the next 72 hours and we tried to make things appear normal for C, who keeps asking after Sissy (N). And I have the love and support of my friends. Becky held me as I lost it after the call, Mich let me sob out the story though I'm sure she couldn't understand a word, and Delia and Dawne have offered a venue for me to express my frustration. And the truest blessings are that N failed in her attempt and that she will get the help she needs. As my heart breaks, I have to ask, what is wrong with this world? This vibrant child has been dealt numerous blows through her short life and is now so crushed that she sought a way out.

The Fun Stuff

The gals at HATM

A while ago, I posted that some people thought my posts were negative, especially as I dealt with several difficult and stressful situations. Personally, I didn't feel negative, but thought of my blog as a way to channel and account for some of my angst rather than having to explain to each individual person the macabre details. And I promised to note the things in my life that make it so wonderful, even when I'm struggling with harsh emotions.

Though my trip to Florida was only for three days, I was embarking into dangerous territory. We have the continuous drama created by my siblings, my tumultuous emotions over my mother's health and how it affects our relationship, and reconnecting with old friends. The weekend was filled with many deep heartfelt conversations with each member of my family.


Me and C

Since mom couldn't know I was in town until the dinner, I spent Friday with Mich. You got to love our moments together since Mich arrived at the airport in Mich-time (or ish-time) while we all know, I'm a clock-watcher. We practically ran into each other when she entered the building crossing my path while I walked the hallway to the baggage terminal. After lots of hugs, I had to share my airplane story. My ticket was for seat 37C on a 36-aisle plan. Yikes! After lunch at a bistro, I got my fabulous birthday gifts, which included another set of mix CDs so I can keep up with the latest music (Who knew that Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, and Garbage were the latest music again? Hello 1990s!) and a digital photo frame loaded with our New England trip pictures. Then we were off for some Mexican food and HATM. I loved catching up with Cheryl, who is total awesomeness.

The morning after mom's dinner, dad and I had breakfast at Village Inn, where I enjoyed Banana Maple Nut French Toast. Yum! Then the family barbequed and enjoyed the pool. I was minding my own business (okay, torturing my niece, N), when my dad decided to throw me into the pool. Though I managed to escape, I knew it was only a matter of time before I ended up in the water, so I cannonballed into the pool. My nieces insisted that we play Marco/ Pollo, which became hilarious when C decided that she wanted to be it and proceeded to grab and jump on Marco.

The kids conspiring against the adults.

These are the moments I cherish and remember during the bad times. Am I upset about mom's health? Yes, but I benefited from an amazing weekend with her, where I had the opportunity to thank her for saving my life all those years ago. Am I disappointed that my brother still struggles? Yes, but I allowed him to take credit for the dinner, which helped his self-esteem and I had the chance to tell him that I want my brother in my life, not a man who thinks he owes me something for his past behavior. I am grateful for the chance to tell my sister that I'm proud of her, to have meaningful talks with my dad, and some laughs and hugs with my nieces. Though emotionally exhausting, I would never give up the memories I garnered over that weekend.

Reactionary Gifts

As you can imagine, mom received many gifts at her retirement dinner. You could tell many people were aware of her coffee obsession since she received a number of Starbucks gift cards. Other gifts included a tea set, a picture frame signed by those attending the dinner, and several gag gifts. My contributions got some big reactions as well. Of course there was my visit and a lovely bouquet of roses, but these gifts didn't receive the same reaction as the other two presents, which I personally thought were minor things.

I gave my mother a copy of my United Daughters of the Confederacy application, including the Civil War service file on her ancestor. I went over the documents, explaining each one, including the letter from Jefferson Davis discussing the character of her ancestor, and an approval and receipt acknowledgement of documents by Robert E. Lee. She was so ecstatic over Lee's signature, which was one among many on the document. Every time someone came to the house, she would show them the papers and have me explain her ancestor's story. I'm sure by the fifth recitation my father was tired of hearing about this gentleman, but mom was so happy.

The other package I presented to her was my manuscript. She regaled everyone at dinner about my dream of being a published writer. It got a bit awkward when people began to ask about my story. I'm sure my mom's former colleagues, who still think of me as ten years old, would love to hear about my highly erotic paranormal. Mom called the other night because she is on her second reading of the story. She loves it and requested the first autograph copy. Her only complaint was my transitions were so intense, she could never find a good time to take a break from reading it.

Who knew the extra weight from the reams of paper in my carry-on bag would be so worth it? You never know what gifts will be cherished more by the individual.

Mom's Retirement Dinner

Mom's Retirement Dinner

I've been a bit quiet the past week due to traveling for a surprise trip, moving, and transitioning between homes. In the past six months, my mother has struggled with some health issues which led to her retiring after thirty plus years with the bank. Mom has never been big on parties, but prefers to have quiet moments with her loved ones. For the last two months my siblings and I have been planning a surprise dinner for her, which entailed contacting some of her former colleagues and friends. This has all been very hush-hush, involving lots of secret phone calls, convincing mom not to travel that week, and hiding from her the fact that I was visiting.

Me and my date, Mich

My mom's best friend, Patty and her husband, visited my mom and convinved her to get dressed up for a double-date with my dad, which is a nod to my parent's first date. Mom arrived at the restaurant, which was hosting four weddings and when she saw our group, she thought we were one of the wedding parties. She tried to turn around, but my aunt and dad kept propelling her forward until she recognized our group. Now, I learned to curse from my mother, who lets it fly when she is emotional. She was so shocked, words started fluttering through the air as she made her way forward.

Mom and I

She skimmed the faces, moving past mine when suddenly her head whipped back in my direction and she began to tear up. I was one of her big surprises and she couldn't believe I was standing there, escpecially as she knew I had contractors and movers at my new home.

The Family

The entire event and dinner was wonderful. When the people around the table introduced themselves and explained their relationship with mom, it was amazing to hear how many people felt mom was instrumental in their careers. Lots of food and conversation flowed around the group for hours before our small family unit went back to mom's house to relax for a while.

It was a truly miraculous dinner as my siblings and I managed to work through our differences in order to give mom an event she'll never forget and we managed to keep the whole thing quiet. And the weekend provided mom and I some real quality time together. I am grateful that this dinner was a great success and that we'll have these memories in the years to come.

"My Daughter is a Librarian" T-shirt

My love of books began at an early age. Mom would herd us kids into the car and transport us to the library where we enjoyed storytime or selected massive amounts of books to take home. (For those Tampa folks who are curious, my library as a child was the Town 'n Country Branch.) Once at the house, we had to make sure we didn't mix the library books in with our personal books, which lined the bookshelf in my room. I grew up with Nancy Drew, the Babysitter's Club and Christopher Pike. I remember discovering Frank Herbert's Dune series and my frantic search for the next book and following the Challenger explosion, I checked out every biography on Christa McAuliffe.

Sitting in a comfy chair in the evening reading a book, I am reminded of the many years I watched my mother doing the same thing because I acquired my voracious appetite for reading material from her. Mom will regularly call me to ask for recommendations on the latest books and we have both lamented the loss of Borders.

With mom retiring in the next month, I asked about her plans. One of the first things on her list is to get a library card. What? I'm sure everyone between Indiana and Florida heard my shocked exclamation. Apparently, my mother hasn't renewed her library card in a few decades though she regularly buys new books. But your daughter is a librarian, I declared as if this meant she should have a card for this reason alone.

Even if I wasn't a librarian, I personally would be a library user. And I am a bit sad that the person who nurtured my love of libraries hasn't been using the wonderful resources available to her all these years. For mom's retirement visits to the library, I think she should wear a t-shirt that advertises the fact that "my daughter is a librarian."

A Plea and the Rest of the Story

Dealing with my own health issues is frustrating enough as I hate the lack of control when I wait for my tests or results, but that is nothing in comparison to the helplessness I experience when one of my loved ones is ill.

Last week we received great news concerning my youngest niece, C, who caught the Super Bug 3 1/2 years ago and was in and out of the hospital for months as she recovered. Since that recovery C has had multiple surgeries and has been sick with a bacterial or viral infection at least once a month all these years. A few weeks ago, C had a biopsy along with further allergy and immune system tests which finally revealed that she did not have an immune deficiency but that her health problems are due to being severely allergic to several things that she can't avoid in her daily life. The docs are forming a treatment plan which was great news for the family who has watched her suffer all these years.

Then I received a terrifying phone call from Erin on Friday. Yes, I know some felt I wasn't telling the whole story about the birthday weekend so here is what I can say. This call left me feeling completely helpless. Though my instinct screamed for me to act, all I could do was listen and try to be calm. The story is not mine to tell but I can share what Erin posted on Facebook ... "Please pray for our E. We've been in the hospital since Friday. She is having heart troubles, beating too fast. They have her stabilized now, but still not good enough to go home. Any prayers are very much appreciated!"

During my horrendous procedures, eventual hysterectomy, and subsequent bladder injury, Erin was a lifeline offering support and comfort during a bleak time in my life. Not only has Erin given me the remarkable gift of her friendship, but she has granted me the opportunity to witness the wonders of motherhood through her amazing love for her children. I hate, despise, and detest the idea of Erin and the family suffering, much less baby E.

In this moment of complete helplessness, all I can do is ask that people pray for this sweet girl and her loving family who are also my loved ones.

Birthdays

Upon turning thirty, I decided while tossing back cosmos with some friends, that this decade was going to be the best ever. On my thirty-first, I spent the weekend at Disney with my pals, drifting from a child-like state when I sang along, watched every parade, and drove Melinda crazy with the "it's a castle" refrain, to the party girl persona who never even noticed the stalker dude trying to tap my shoulder at the fourth club we visited. My thirty-fifth was by far one of my absolute favorites between dinner at Cork 'n Cleaver with Kay, Peggy, Delia, William, Mich, and hubby followed by the overnight trip to Chicago with my three best friends who stayed out all night with me before crashing in our suite at four in the morning.

This year, I planned to have a more relaxed birthday featuring dinner and a movie with the gals. The day began with hubby and I still cleaning the new house. We purchased our painting supplies with the grand idea that we would begin the edging work but before we did, ominous dark clouds began to crawl across the sky pitching the house into darkness thought it was mid-afternoon and cutting off our electricity. The wind bent the trees into several contorted positions while debris and falling branches slammed into the house. The sirens came after the worst of the storm was over, but thankfully, nothing had touched down in our area.

Due to the downed trees and power lines and utter chaos, it was decided that going out was not an option. Becky and I still opted for dinner and a movie though. KFC supplied the dinner, Dairy Queen provided the dessert, and cable kicked back on so we could order the latest Sherlock Holmes movie.

My family did their typical birthday wishes which always leaves me feeling lonely as most of them feel like afterthoughts. Dad called from Dubai which always makes me feel good. Without fail, no matter where in the world he is, dad will call. Next was John, which was once again disheartening. It was one of his apologetic regretful birthday calls, which reaffirms that he has returned to his former ways. At least I didn't cry during his call this year, but rather I felt empty and barely heard the lies. I received Jo's call around 8:30 pm, about the time Becky and I had started watching the movie followed by mom's call ten minutes later. 

The next day was another one of those shining beacons that remind me of how lucky I am. Peggy spent the day with hubby and I painting our front two rooms. Unfortunately because the atrocious red was so dark, it took multiple coats of primer + paint. Then we discovered that the lighter toned green and grey walls looked light in comparison to the red, but were actually dark colors as well, so we added more layers to cover the atrocious color scheme. When we wrapped up for the day, it was startling how much larger the rooms appeared with the cream colored walls. It is completely amazing to me that I have friends who would come and help out like this. Thanks so much, Peggy!

I may want to revert back to the party birthday next year, but no matter what, I'll take my friends and hubby along for the ride.

Open and Honest

Warning: I have agonized over writing this post. I'm afraid some people will think I'm too whiny, negative, depressed or self-absorbed, but finally, I decided that this was my blog and I feel the need to get this off my chest.

Okay, let's discuss the elephant in the room. You know the one. He has his trunk waving in the air as he trumpets to gain attention, so I cave, I agree, I admit it ... I take on too much. There! I finally admit what so many have accused over the years. There is no getting around this psychological defect of mine and it's definitely not a new phenomenon.

This mindset began when I was told to delay going to college due to a health issue, but I decided to live life to the fullest and not miss out on anything. It has grown exponentially so it not only includes social and personal situations but career goals as well. I like people relying on me, trusting me and asking for advice, and knowing that I will get the job done against all odds. I take great pride in these things and would hate to let anyone down though I have said no to some things. But I admit, I am struggling with keeping everything balanced.

I keep hearing that I should give something up or say no to more things, but what should I give up? My work load is demanding because I'm a good worker and I'm looking towards the future, so with that in mind, I have to show that I can handle the heavy-lifting. I've taken outside speaking and writing assignments to further my career, but I have said no or have set boundaries for some of these requests. The FGS committee is a great learning opportunity and career move, but there is a bit of extra work at the moment. Purchasing the house was a right fit at a bad time. I've tried not to get too upset over my brother's spiral (I know that didn't take long) but it weighs on me. I'm helping plan a large event this August because someone else dropped the ball at this late date and so someone else and I stepped in to save it. And dealing with the emotional roller coaster concerning my mother's illness can't be ignored.

I can guilt myself better than most Catholics (I'm Methodist). I feel like I've neglected Mich while she's recovering from her relationship. I've not been as supportive to Dawne as she's struggled with several large emotional situations recently. I have barely kept up with my eldest niece's destructive teenage drama or my youngest niece's health concerns and recent surgery. I've barely found time to check up on Erin's recuperation. These are events in my friend's and loved one's lives when I'm usually more responsive and attentive, but not recently.

On a good day this would be a lot for the average person, but add in my medical condition and this becomes overwhelming. I have felt as if I've barely kept my head above water and now I'm slipping beneath the surface. Periodically, I manage to gasp for air but then another wave crashes over, forcing me under once again. And I can't seem to find a way out of this vicious cycle over the past few months.

I will find my feet once again and hopefully soon, but at the moment, I'm trying to juggle many things and I fear dropping something or hurting someone because I let them down. I've been reading blogs written by others with my condition and it appears many of us describe a sense of failure to meet our own or other people's expectations, a desire to prove our worth, frustration at people's misconceptions or lack of understanding, the continuous struggle to find the best remedy and routine since there is no cure, and the highs and lows of depression that come with being diagnosed with a neurological disorder that forever alters your lifestyle.

Don't get me wrong, I have so many things that make me happy everyday, but I felt the need to admit the truth that so many have tried to convince me is one of my greatest faults. Over this summer, I plan to share several of my "happy" factors because seriously, after I started reading about other people's struggles with this, I came to the realization that I'm handling things amazingly well. Of course, I believe that is due to having the best and most amazing support network.

My List

As many of you know, I have been inundated with several stressful situations recently. It has been very hard to stay optimistic and maintain a sunny disposition when I haven't personally been feeling like a positive person. Today's post is for those who were concerned that I was becoming lost in the quagmire. Today, I would like to proclaim the many things that have made me grateful over the past few weeks.

• My gals - The other week, I felt so completely lost, but after a phone call from Mich and lunch with Becky and Erin, I was in a better frame of mind. I am truly blessed to have these ladies in my life.
• My colleagues - I have several colleagues who are true friends, but I am going to lump everyone together. I have a hard time calling in sick to work, but the other day, I had an extremely rough episode. My pals were understanding that I needed to go home. Even my boss sent me a kind email, letting me know that everyone wanted me to take care of myself. It helps to know that my colleagues aren't upset with me when I have these episodes.
• Mom - My mother was recently diagnosed with a severe heart condition, which has been debilitating to her and emotionally straining on the family. We are fortunate that her meds appear to be stabilizing her condition. And though she will have to retire early, she will be with us for some time to come.
• John - My brother and I have been slowly rebuilding our relationship. It has been a rough process, but he has really stepped up and helped my mom the past few months. He has taken mom to her appointments and when she had an episode, John took care of her, insuring she was not alone. This meant the world to me, to see John finally placing his family first is a miracle in my book
• James - Hubby is always so supportive of me. He has tamped down his fears over the house. He has listened to my tails of woe from the multitude of recent family situations. And he has been supportive of my crazy schedule (work, conferences, and speaking engagements). He makes it easier to balance my life.