Brotherly Love

Since I had some free time this weekend, I decided to tell my siblings about my situation. Several people have made me tear up with their kind words, but my brother, John, wins the award for making me a sobbing mess. As many of you know, the relationship between me and my family members is very dynamic. I left my parents' home at eighteen and never looked back. At the age of thirty-one, I ran away from home and moved 800 miles away. There is always some massive DRAMA! in my family and for the sake of self-preservation, I couldn't deal with it anymore. My refusal to participate in the carousel of horror caused a great many conflicts between me and my family, which still impact our relationships today.

So back to my brother, John, who I have been slowly reconnecting with the past few years. In response to my news, John made the following remarks. He told me that no matter what happens in this life, that I am his big sister and he has always admired me. Though he hated our years of separation, he always knew that I loved him. He couldn't ever make-up for the pain he caused, but that he would do anything to help me. That I do not realize the impact I've had on his life. His fondest memories are of all the times I took him to college sporting events because that was our thing and I seemed to enjoy having my kid brother around. Those memories have helped him in keeping focused on what's important; having that connection with family. He said I was there when he stumbled and fell, so he wanted to help me through my rough times. He wanted me to know that he always looked up to me because I was always the one who seemed so strong and to know what I was doing. After I had stumbled, I rebuilt my life and became the person I wanted to be rather than the one my circumstances dictated. I was the example he wanted to follow because he was so impressed with me.

After all the years of fighting to save my baby brother, these words were the thing to make me break. I have documented our struggles from my letter on his 25th birthday to my melancholy over lost time with him to my fears of the call and my need for self-preservation. To have him say these words to me, after all the years of drug-induced anger and hate-filled words, it was extremely emotional. To hear him say that he admires me was a blessing.

The baby brother who trailed after me, sought my advice about girls, and asked me to cheer at his sporting events is long gone and has been since the day he stole my car and my money. A horrible person replaced him the first night he was arrested and I hung up on him when he used his one phone call to contact me. The pathetic creature who sat stonily through the intervention and didn't care that he was destroying the family forced me to decide that I could not watch his death. I stuck to my rules during the intervention and have allowed John back in my life as he struggles with staying clean. And I am very proud of the man I spoke with today.