Alpha Male

While watching one of my guilty pleasures recently, my viewing partner remarked halfway through the episode, "you like the blond one." I was quite surprised by this accurate assessment, especially given the fact that I'm not typically attracted to blonds. My fellow viewer quipped that the blond was the villain, i.e. the bad boy.

We may not want to admit it but all of us have a type. That certain personality or physical trait that we find inexplicably attractive. We're drawn to the person or the type though rationally we know that the person or quality is not good for us. My type is the bad boy and it has become something of a running joke among my friends. I know he's bad for me yet I am continuously drawn to this type. I navigated my dating years by rationalizing through the appeal and focusing on all the drawbacks if involved in this person's life. Being a married woman, I currently find myself spending time with fictional bad boys instead, via tv, movies, and books, as a way to fulfill this fantasy.

I truly enjoy the bad boy, not because I want to change him or be the special someone who understands him, but because of the alpha male syndrome. I have several characteristics that are usually labeled as male traits such as I'm a fixer, I can shrug off emotion and analyze things based on fact, and I have a strong dominant personality. I will never be one of those women who asks someone else to make a decision or fix something for me. I am too self-reliant for it. And while I lust for an alpha, I could never be in a relationship with one due to certain weaknesses of mine. But knowing all of this, doesn't stop me from being drawn to him still.

And though the idea of letting a man make decisions for me is abhorrent, there are those times that I desire someone to swoop in and just take over so I can have a break. This is why bad boys are so appealing. They are a force of nature, dominant, appearing self-assured, and ready to take on the world without indecision. They are men of swift action and damn the repercussions which appeals rather than men who are indecisive, waver, or wait for someone else to make a decision. Alpha males fulfill some longing for care and protection since they don't waver in their decisions and appear capable of handling most situations.

The thought of this type of behavior appeals yet I know it would become quickly tiresome. Instead, I'll just enjoy the alpha male in my fiction rather than reality.

Dancing Queens

Another GNO adventure this weekend! If you live in the Fort and have never seen Good Night Gracie perform, then you are truly missing out on one of the town's best entertainments. It has been a while since the gals and I went dancing and we definitely need to plan more nights like this.

You would think after all these years that we would not be surprised by the others' reactions to things, yet without fail, we surprise each other. I blame Becky for my more recent interest in pop/dance music, which of course led to some fun moments on the dance floor. Once again, thanks to Flo Rida's Low, I proved I can still do the sexy drop to the ground and sway back up while wearing heels. During one of the band's breaks, Becky dragged us to the empty dance floor for some Beastie Boys and apparently Erin likes JT's Sexy Back which has recently been on my playlist. Who knew? And speaking of lists, GNG played back-to-back Come on Eileen, Blister in the Sun, and I Want You to Want Me, which is part of another playlist. It was like they were channeling perfection. The most startling moment was when GNG played Pink's So-What. While singing along, it makes one feel a bit feisty. Imagine my surprise when Becky began to sing along matching my exuberance. We completely shocked and entertained Erin with that one.

It was an enjoyable evening though there were some awkward moments. Such as the man who decided that he would be the meat between an Erin and Melissa sandwich which got old quickly. Then there was the hilarious moment when Becky received a lap dance. And as we sat in the foyer saying goodbye to Erin, two men approached us to ... flirt, I think, but it was a strange disastrous affair.

The problem is one of the men, Franz, decided I was his target for the evening. He later approached me on the dance floor and asked if I was Amy. He didn't know why I was laughing but it's an inside joke. After rejecting him and sending him away, he decided to approach me again towards the end of the night. Franz made his way over to inquire if I wanted to dance (no); inform me that he wasn't a good dancer but we should try (no); plead with me to give him a shot (no); and finally that he would wander away with his tail between his legs (ok). Yet he remained standing next to me, not leaving. Becky grabbed my hand and pointed at the ring. He apologized repeatedly before finally leaving our space. I know, men behaving badly has become the norm when we go out so I should expect it, but the whole situation makes me uncomfortable. I asked Becky if I put out a vibe, but she claims that's not the reason.

Either way, I had a blast with the gals minus the creepy men. It is unacceptable that we have allowed life to prevent us from more nights like this. It's a good thing we have plans for June when Mich visits and August though I seriously think we should plan a blowout birthday weekend to compensate for missing out on our time together. But the best part of the evening besides being with my gals was when we got carded!

A Hairy Situation

I've received requests to change staff pics on our website which made me consider altering my own image since my hair isn't red anymore. That conversation led to another person asking me what is my natural hair color. Though there is a lot more silver to it, my hairdresser can attest to the natural auburn color since she regularly drowns it in ash to prevent the red tones from shining through. Hubby doesn't care for the current darker color, but Becky has informed me that she has a preference for me as a brunette.

Then there are the comments concerning the cut. Someone told me they were concerned because my face looked emaciated and too thin. Considering my weight has remained steady, I would assume it has something to do with my hair being a bit longer than usual. Of course, someone mentioned that I couldn't cut my hair too short because my long neck makes me look like a giraffe. Seriously, why do I talk to people?

So I decided to share the many alterations my hair has undergone over the years since I'm contemplating whether I should make another change. I have kept the same look since moving up north and though I've altered the color and length a bit, I've remained consistent in the overall style. So here are some images from the past. And yes, I've decided to be daring and post older pics like Becky does on her blog. For those who read via a reader, you may not be able to see all these images without the full browser mode.

1992 - Sun-streaked hair from the summer. With the teased front and sides. How could we ever have thought this looked good?

1994 - I have naturally wavy hair that tends to curl. This was actually a good look though it becomes big in the humidity.

2000 - I decided to shed everything including my hair so I had it all cut-off and wore this look until 2002. I tried variant colors but the warm brunette was best.

2003 - I had variant shades of blond for a while. I grew my hair until I tired of it and hacked it off again.

2006 - I chopped my hair to my chin and went dark. I kept the dark color for a while, but eventually had the color stripped out while I grew my hair to the longest I ever had it as an adult.

Drinking Habits

A round of double shots

I admit that I enjoyed being a social drinker. A glass of wine over a pasta dinner. A Godiva martini at Cork 'n Cleaver. Shots when celebrating GNO. It was all in good fun. I do not require alcohol to have a good time, but admit to missing the taste of certain drinks, the soothing relaxing feeling, and experimenting with new drinks.

Not that I'm known for being a drinker, but I have a rep for being the gal who'll share a drink with most people. It can't be helped. I'm a social butterfly who has few limitations. Because of this, I've had several remarks made in the past 18 months about my non-alcoholic choices. Though I still go out for drinks with people, I now order sodas or water instead of my usual.

Typical behavior

I've had one individual ask me if I had become a teetotaler while another person wondered if I had a "problem." I find people's fascination over my decision to not drink curious. Other people in our social group do not imbibe alcohol, so why is it so startling that I order sodas rather than a kamikaze shot. Trust me, this decision impacts me more than others.

I was told the other week, for what felt like the millionth time, that I could have at least one drink. And this was from someone I respect. I typically explain that I'm on meds that have an adverse reaction to alcohol. Since I don't openly discuss my condition, people must think I mean something minor. Besides the FDA declaration that it is dangerous to mix minute amounts of alcohol with the meds, my reason for not drinking is more complex. Having a downer, like alcohol, in my system inches my brain closer to REM. Narcos slip into REM so quickly that we can do it while awake which triggers hallucinations. Considering that cough medicine has triggered some crazy hallucinations, I have no plans to drink anytime soon.

Shots and the Bucket
Jo's 30th Birthday

I understand that I'm the fun-time gal who is always good for a stop at the bar, but that isn't influenced by the drinks I order. I never required alcohol to flirt, have deep conversations, get up on stage and sing along or hit the dance floor. These are actions that I can do stone-cold sober. Call it a quirk, but I have a crazy uninhibited personality. So I will remain the good-time girl without the alcohol though I admit to missing a nice glass after work.

Running Commentary

Acording to certain unnamed social media reports, the popularity of your blog is based on the number of comments you garner. Considering that my blog has a limited audience, I periodically receive posted comments but typically, people privately email, message, or converse with me about my posts.

Checking my blog stats, the post that received the most published comments was Romantic in January 2010 when I casually asked about romantic movies. Twelve comments later, I began to review some of the movies mentioned as well as the ones that Kay hoped would expand my tastes. Other "popular" posts involved book review discussions and a query on what tv shows people were watching in 2009.

Personal posts may have less published comments, but receive the most overall commentary. Several people had some interesting remarks to make concerning 10 Years and Counting. And though I've posted pics of my mom and I over the years, people were quite vocal on one particular photo in Mommy. According to several people, my get-the -f*ck-away-from-me expression is a mirror of my mother's.

The post that received a marginal number of comments, but led to some humorous conversations was What's in a Name? when we discussed my erotica pen name. It was all done as a joke because of conversations concerning the material I had written for Nano. Reading the post now, I find it intriguing since some of my reviewers were a bit shocked by the graphicness of my manuscript. Maybe I should have used a pen name before they read it.

I find the discussion of blog comments fascinating for two reasons. (1) Why do some people feel uncomfortable publicly posting their remarks? I have heard this statement regularly and it's usually from people who agree with me or those who want to tell me how much they care. (2) If my posts create dialog, though not directly on my blog, doesn't that mean I'm striking some type of cord with people, hence my blog has worth.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely disagree with marketing reports that say comments determine the worth of your blog. My whole point of this post is to point out the asinine nature of these reports.

Tidbits ...

Here are tidbits I've picked up in the past 36 hours.

* Don't trust anything from Michigan. After Florida handed the Elite Eight game to Michigan, I was swayed by the dark side and cheered for them during the Final Four and the National Championship game ... which they lost. I should have stuck with the southern boys.

* I've spent way too much time playing with radio apps on my tablet this week. I heart Radio has a Nirvana 20th anniversary station which always appeals but it has a major drawback. I was frustrated that after I declined a song, it would still play when I created a new station. To exacerbate my confusion on this feature, the decline button was lit, indicating that the app recognized my preference in not listening to the song. I'm a Pandora-user but their marketing is becoming hilarious. Apparently if you listen to Usher, Pandora thinks that you want to date black men. I kid you not that this advertisement popped up twice.

* At work, we're preparing to migrate our email system so we've been asked to delete unnecessary emails. Erin sent me the email from when I was scheduled to train with her for my grand tour which was the first time we met. Being Erin, she also attached a sweet message.

* Following a conversation when I dropped the f-bomb several times, Becky sent me a rather humorous email about "when we run the world."

* Soon, I won't have anywhere to eat for lunch. I already refuse to eat at Toscanis and in the past week I've had ridiculously slow service at the Dash-in. During this last visit, Miss "Laid-back" Erin went to the kitchen area to see when we would get our food. I believe this is the only reason we ever saw food which we scarfed in five minutes. I have to admit to a bit of surprise that among our group, Erin was the one spurred to action.

* And this reminds me of an email from Comrade Greg which is unique. Apparently, even the Comrade, who I have a passing acquaintance but who is friendly with the gals, is cognizant of the Three Musketeers because he asked for gift ideas for them.

I Am Grateful For ...

This week has been interesting. Returning to work after being gone for two weeks, balancing the new dose and its effects, returning to my normal routine, trying to be a supportive friend, and reminding myself of the family I have created, has all contributed to me feeling a tad bit overwhelmed. So here are the things that get me through my day. They are the things that I am grateful for during this first week of April.

1. Hubby - James has been amazing. I have been on a bit of an emotional roller coaster because once again I was forgotten by my family. For those keeping count, this is the fourth holiday in the past few months. The other week, James truly listened to my concerns and helped me see the clearer picture that was eluding me involving a problem. Then when I had my accident, he never once mentioned money. This has to be the first time he has ever placed something else before money. And then this week, he lightened my days by sending several humorous emails.

2. Mich - Mich and I are too much in sync at times. Our conversation the other night was once again a comedic event. I was explaining to her about Florida's loss in the Elite Eight game. Mich knows nothing about basketball. This was interspersed with her commentary on the Rays baseball game that she was watching. Baseball is a foreign language to me. Anyone listening to us would question our sanity. Later when we discussed her June visit, she asked if we had plans for that weekend. My classy response was "the only thing I planned was for us to sit on our asses and hang out except for hitting the bar on Friday or Saturday with Becky and Erin." Of course, she readily agreed with my plans. Mich and I regularly take big trips but we also love those moments when we sit around chatting and amazingly enough, we seem to never run out of things to discuss.

3. My Friends - You know who you are. The weekly emails, texts, and talks that make me laugh are so worth it. A friend saying they understand, they miss you, or they love you goes a long way. Now, if only we can coordinate GNO, all the stars will be aligned.

4. Meds -Ask me how many beta-blockers I have taken in the past ten days? None! Isn't that wonderful? Then there was the conversation with the nurse about my other meds. I had already decided not to participate in the drug treatment recommended by my specialist. Though my support group has discussed issues with this drug, I was not clear on the specifics about the medication. While waiting for more paperwork this week, the nurse informed me that my decision not to take the meds might be for the best. I would have been required to have regular monitoring for months because the drug has the same chemical compound as the date rape drug. Of course, I looked up the drug and found it's clinical name is sodium oxybate. You may know it as GHB. This might have been helpful to know earlier in the discussions.

5. Weather - It has been beautiful outside. I've enjoyed the cool breeze and sunshine, which has prompted the return of some guests. The fat squirrel who entertained me this past fall is now digging up my yard in search for his buried food. It is quite hilarious to watch. The birds are returning as well and have been taking walks around the yard. Hopefully, the weather will remain nice for a while as I've commandeered Peggy to advise me on some of my landscaping. She offered several solutions that were new concepts to me. What can I say? Peggy is brilliant!