Favorite Color

More than a dresser

My sister sent me this pic of my former dresser that has finally fallen apart. She doesn't realize that her timing is impeccable because it was an excellent reminder of who I used to be. This dresser has great significance in my life. While my ex was at work one day, I packed my bags and disappeared. It was one of the bravest things I ever did. I left all the furnishings and moved into my sister's new place. A friend allowed me to take furniture from her grandmother's storage unit so I would at least have a bed and dresser, which eventually became N's.

Sometimes people think they understand when I describe rebuilding myself. Some think I changed certain habits, while others think I just reevaluated the course of my life. I've been told several times that you can't change who you are or at least not at the core. Well, I did!

This all came about one day when the guy I was dating asked my opinion concerning home decor. I was completely incapable of answering. The conversation progressed from there, in which it was a rude awakening to discover I could not comfortably form an opinion. There is so much more to this story but suffice to say, this was the critical moment that lead to me finally getting therapy.

Part of the therapy included deciding who I wanted to be, what interests appealed, learning to not be overwhelmed by my options, and becoming confident in my decisions. My first assignment was to decide what color I wanted to paint this dresser which was originally an atrocious yellow color. You can not imagine the hours I spent staring at paint samples or the chilling fear of asking for instructions on how to properly complete this project.

This dresser was the first step in creating the new Melissa. Not only did I strip and sand the paint off the wood, prime it, then paint it the colors I selected, I even bought stenciling supplies and painted purple ivy along the sides. For those from our craft group, you know my comfort level with this, i.e. none. Back then, I completely lacked confidence so it was sheer torture and yet I did it.

My current purple bathroom

This pic was a nice reminder of how my life has evolved. I was nervous about going back to my maiden name because MS is a confident woman while MT struggled so much to discover her identity, but I've realized that's okay. 17 yr old MT liked purple, 21 yr old MC had no clue, and 23 yr old MT decided lilac was her favorite color, in which 35 yr old MS agreed, as evidenced by my insistence on decorating my bathroom, my way.

Though my favorite color may not have changed, the person making the decision has. I have evolved into a different person because there was a point in my life when I lacked the confidence to tell someone what color appealed, much less any other opinion. I truly believed myself incapable of handling anything, though my actions proved me thoroughly capable. I was afraid to ask for guidance, to accomplish anything, or have an opinion because I believed it would validate my own stupidity. Anyone who knows me now would have a hard time believing any of this because that woman does not exist anymore and hasn't for a long time. Though this old dresser has seen its last day, the next phase of my, Melissa T's, life is just beginning.

Another Round of Shock Treatment

Prepare yourselves for a rambling post relating to odd but pleasantly shocking behavior.

One of our most curmudgeonly patrons informed me today that "you look different, you look really nice, which is an improvement." Considering his typical comments, this really was an extremely nice compliment.

I have always thought Sarai was insightful and notices details that others overlook, so I was not shocked when she contacted me this weekend with an extremely personal question. What did shock me were her views on the situation. Sarai perfectly described my situation and has apparently seen the truth of it for a while. Truly, I am impressed!

If you've ever questioned who among your colleagues would be willing to stab you, I actually know the answer. First off, thanks to both Kay S. and Becky who went above and beyond when I had a reaction to the allergy shot. You know I hate asking for help and feeling that vulnerable, but you both put me at ease. Because of the reaction, I had to send an email to my colleagues letting them know where I keep my EpiPen in case I went into shock. Though it was an informational email, the one colleague who never responds said, "No problem. Glad to help."

Miss Red Scarf and I saw Elky Summers perform this weekend. Elky is a good band for me at the moment. Angsty girl band performing songs about impotence, lost loves, death, and craziness seem fitting. And Miss Red Scarf, I listened to "Who's Driving Baby" this morning and have decided I really do like how the song teases with a slow build-up before crashing into the heavy beat, plus Kay G. sounds sultry when drawing out some of the lyrics. Just saying! Which is fitting considering that I felt the need to remark that she looked gorgeous the other night. Her secret: snuggling with the man she loves. I think my brain glitched for a moment when she said it. Wild rocker gal discussing snuggling, in detail! Thankfully, the band's new song maintains a grungy sound, so everything is okay with the world as long as there are no love ballads in the future.

And speaking of hitting on women. A mark of a true friend is knowing that an incident is about to spark a rumor so you willingly step into the breach. If anyone hears about me and the other woman. Yes, she's real and a wonderful friend.

It's a Groove Thing

A month ago

Road trips, GNOs, my wild party past, and anger management share a common thread in my world ... music. The words, the rhythm, and the emotion are reflective of my own feelings and temperment or they can influence my mood and trigger memories. Certain songs and bands immediately make me think of specific individuals from my life and associated memories and feelings. Since I have such a deep relationship with music, I plan to share some of these dynamics over the coming weeks by sharing some of my playlists. I have an eclectic taste in music so one never knows what genre might make an appearance though I may focus more on general rock and pop music, but that doesn't mean my country girl roots will be ignored, that I've forgotten my love affair with Frank Sinatra, that more than one Eminem cd is in my collection, or deny that I should have lived during the big band era.

Last weekend

For today, I'd like to discuss musical therapy. I admit to the similarities between my siblings and I concerning our tempers, but we dramatically differ in how we manage our anger. I learned to view it as something combustible that could be burned off rather than acting like a powder keg and exploding. This is why dancing in cages and on catwalks became a routine part of my life during my darkest period. All the built up resentment and anger could be channeled into my dancing so that at the end of the evening, I was spent. Blasting the stereo and singing at the top of my lungs is a typical way to calm myself after a stressful day of work. It is a basic release of intense emotions that does not harm me or anyone else. This has truly become the way my mind and body expects to deal with certain stresses, which is why I regularly have a soundtrack to individualized moments in my life.

My completed project

For those of you who are aware of the object that resided in my living room for nearly a month and it's significance, you might find it humorous that I put on a great show this weekend as I vented my spleen over the log rack. Due to the low temperature, I rustproofed the log rack in the open garage providing the neighbors with a great view of my performance. With my iPod blasting a mix of rock, pop, and dance songs, I bopped, shimmied, and shaked my way around the rack. It was a performance worthy of my cage days as the lower rungs of the log rack required me to kneel or to reach across on my hands and knees. It must have been quite a show because a few days later, after I declined one of my neighbors offer to help me move 14 thirty gallon leaf bags, he sent his two kids over to help with the bags.

I have to say I am quite proud of my work on the log rack. I built the rack by myself, rustproofed it, and loaded the logs. And as you can see from the pics, the blanket of leaves that have dominated the yard are getting cleared up as well, though the space opened by the cut trees makes me debate planting replacements.

My soundtrack for this musical therapy session was:
Lady Gaga Just Dance
Lady Gaga Telephone
Rihanna S&M
Justin Timberlake SexyBack
Usher DJ Got Us Fallin' in Love
Fall Out Boy My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark
Imagine Dragons Radioactive
Adele Rolling in the Deep
Train Drive By
OneRepublic Counting Stars
Seether Country Song
Rage Against the Machine Killing in the Name
Rise Against Savior

And for those of you who are opinionated, please feel free to comment on my choice of music. Do others have soundtracks for life's moments? I know there are a few of you who listen to music as a stress-reliever, so what songs would you listen to while trying to blow off some steam?

A Dominatrix

Eighteen months ago, a colleague asked that I participate in a DiSC evaluation with him. This DiSC review was focused on personality traits and preferences in work situations. Anyone can have a predilection towards one of the behaviors being analyzed; Dominance, Influence, Steadiness, and Conscientiousness; or can be more balanced in their personality styles. As someone who is fascinated with the human psyche and who formerly worked in HR, I believe that our personality traits directly affects how we communicate, behave, and respond in situations. Last week, my manager requested that I participate in this analysis so we could work on our management team's communication and strategy styles.

When I took this evaluation eighteen months ago, my numbers and behaviors were quite different than they were last week. Conscientiousness

2012	Score	2013	Score
Conscientiousness	19	Dominance	21
Influence	17	Conscientiousness	15
Dominance	16	Influence	15
Steadiness	5	Steadiness	6

Why the change? New responsibilities led to a change in my behavior on the job. Most won't believe it, but I can supress my dominant behavior when it's not needed. But if I'm the one held responsible in the end for an outcome, then that trait becomes prevelant. The discussion concerning the different traits and how they interact and communicate was fascinating to me.

A great way to explain these behaviors is:
Influence creates ideas but struggles with acting on those ideas yet are always open to dialog.
Steadiness weighs the options and after a lengthy consideration can make a final decision but does not like to openly admit their ideas/ decisions.
Conscientiousness are the one who like being given a goal and left to work independently on it.
Dominance makes quick decisions, acts on the ideas, questions status quo, and are very results driven.

This description also explains why I'm dominant in my personal life as well. If I care about the outcome then I'm invested 100%. What I find humorous is no one was shocked that my dominance trait was so high. Funny, considering it was not as high more than a year ago. Though I have no plans to start wearing leather and carrying a whip, I accept that people in my professional and personal life think of me as dominant personality. We'll see if this helps improve certain dynamics in my life.