Singles Scene

For years, I've listened to my single gals as they've described the singles scene. These ladies are truly brave because honestly, it's a bit scary out there. It was scary more than a decade ago and based on things I or my gals have encountered, there are still plenty of weirdos and assholes in this world.

So let's discuss the awkward argument I had with ... what do I call him. My ex has always been PC but as I was reminded this week in glorious fashion, I will soon have two exes. While closing on the house, I was presented with two sheets listing my legal aliases. Several people have told me this doesn't matter but it feels weird. Thanks Kay for your encouragement that third times the charm.

So back to the argument with JS over telling his brother, who is friends with me on Facebook. I really didn't want JS's brother finding out on fb. In the course of this argument, JS asked if I was planning to change my relationship status to "it's complicated," in which I firmly responded, my status is "single." In retelling this story, Becky caught onto a certain detail. 3.5 years ago, I demanded JS pay attention to my life for a week; i.e. my fb status, blog, emails, and voicemails. I knew he wouldn't and to prove my point, I removed my fb relationship status which caused a flurry of concerned messages, but none from him.

This weekend I received a sweet deal on a new Nexus from Verizon and my sales guy, VS, hooked me up. I thought nothing of him coming in on his day off to set-up my account and equipment or when he changed his contact info in my phone. He's my sales guy who helped me separate my contracts from JS the day before.

Well, I've apparently been out of the game way too long because Mich informs me that VS was trying to "get ahead of the curve." I honestly believed there was no way this guy was hitting on me the day after I had been in the store with JS. He was just being nice ... until he asked me to have a drink with him.

Wow! So many other situations make much more sense with this new concept in place. I turned him down, just as I plan to say no to the cute eye doc if the drink conversation comes up again during my follow-up.

These men might be ready but my mind is in a different place at the moment. I'm not mourning, not being respectful, or not ready yet because of JS. That has nothing to do with what's going on on my head. I'm flattered by the offers but at the moment, I'm happy with my relationships as they are.

My Guy Steve

Okay this is another example of how amazing people can be and how we can touch each other's lives.

My guy, Steve, has been the force behind my skincare treatments but he outdid himself this week. My hair goddess, Erinn, highly recommended him years ago and on my first visit, he insulted me by stating that my skin, primarily my face, was a culmination of the perfect storm. Yet I found myself going back because the man knows his stuff.

Over the past few years, one of the issues has not improved but has gotten worse so I was having more frequent salon treatments. Steve was insistent that I have medical tests done to see if there was an underlying cause and in the meantime, he insisted on only charging me for every other visit.

On his recommendation, I visited a dermatologist who developed a treatment plan for me but insurance won't cover it nor will they cover the hormone and enzyme suppression prescription that I'm currently taking for this. So at my Wednesday appointment, I explained to Steve the full reason why I could not afford the dermatologist treatment at this time.

Steve and I have all kinds of personal conversations during these sessions. He knows about my career, my travels, and the house. We commiserate about his ailing dog, his side business and volunteer work. As we talked this week, I mentioned needing a handyman. He had an immediate recommendation and offered to check on a second candidate as well for me. I was touched by his offer to help.

When I pulled out my credit card to pay, he refused to accept it. He hugged me and said I needed to accept help sometimes. He hugged me again and said that I was to allow him to pamper me.

So if any men or women need salon level skincare, I would highly recommend my guy, Steve, who of course, made me cry with that last statement. I have a hard time asking for help, much less accepting it, but Steve's comments and actions had an impact on me. Once again, I'm reminded how lucky I am to have such a wonderful person in my life.

Another Round of Shock Treatment

Prepare yourselves for a rambling post relating to odd but pleasantly shocking behavior.

One of our most curmudgeonly patrons informed me today that "you look different, you look really nice, which is an improvement." Considering his typical comments, this really was an extremely nice compliment.

I have always thought Sarai was insightful and notices details that others overlook, so I was not shocked when she contacted me this weekend with an extremely personal question. What did shock me were her views on the situation. Sarai perfectly described my situation and has apparently seen the truth of it for a while. Truly, I am impressed!

If you've ever questioned who among your colleagues would be willing to stab you, I actually know the answer. First off, thanks to both Kay S. and Becky who went above and beyond when I had a reaction to the allergy shot. You know I hate asking for help and feeling that vulnerable, but you both put me at ease. Because of the reaction, I had to send an email to my colleagues letting them know where I keep my EpiPen in case I went into shock. Though it was an informational email, the one colleague who never responds said, "No problem. Glad to help."

Miss Red Scarf and I saw Elky Summers perform this weekend. Elky is a good band for me at the moment. Angsty girl band performing songs about impotence, lost loves, death, and craziness seem fitting. And Miss Red Scarf, I listened to "Who's Driving Baby" this morning and have decided I really do like how the song teases with a slow build-up before crashing into the heavy beat, plus Kay G. sounds sultry when drawing out some of the lyrics. Just saying! Which is fitting considering that I felt the need to remark that she looked gorgeous the other night. Her secret: snuggling with the man she loves. I think my brain glitched for a moment when she said it. Wild rocker gal discussing snuggling, in detail! Thankfully, the band's new song maintains a grungy sound, so everything is okay with the world as long as there are no love ballads in the future.

And speaking of hitting on women. A mark of a true friend is knowing that an incident is about to spark a rumor so you willingly step into the breach. If anyone hears about me and the other woman. Yes, she's real and a wonderful friend.

Ego Has No Place

Recently I have found myself dealing with a wide variety of people, personalities, and egos. Though I recognize that each of us have different backgrounds and histories which lead to different perspectives and beliefs, I have never understood the need for some people to act so prideful that they become walking egos.

I have my reasons for being a very prideful person but I try to temper it with some humility. I admit to a certain level of a well-deserved and hard-earned ego. I am the first is my father's family to ever attend graduate school and the third to complete high school and college. This is a source of pride for me since I grew up with old fashioned grandparents who regularly instructed me on my role as a female and the fact that book-learning was a waste. This was followed by a seven year relationship with someone who admitted to being threatened by my personality and decided to suppress me. By no means do I believe myself an expert on relationships, but I have enough experience with bad relationships and self-analysis that I recognize certain behaviors quicker than others. In essence, I have great pride in my education, my career, and my relationships.

For all of these reasons and many more, I cannot fathom why I continuously meet individuals who are complete blowhards with no substance or those who build themselves up by beating down other people. Over the years I have been privy to some individual's deep dark secrets which have made me question these behaviors further. Don't act like you are better than others because you never know the truth behind the facade, while others may be fully aware of your secrets. In the past I have worked with colleagues who did not realize I was knowledgeable of their habit of inviting third parties to share their marital bed. I had another colleague who do not realize that people knew his credentials were works of fiction. And of course there was the colleague who eventually discovered her boyfriend and I knew each other intimately from years before and that I had firsthand knowledge of his kinky interests.

A few months ago, my friend Harriet posted a message on Facebook thanking those bitches who treated her like shit and forced her to leave. Harriet and I worked together at Hell. We were continuously put in our place by our so-called betters. In a three year period, a group of us left Hell after being told how inadequate, unprofessional, and incompetent we were. While David and company remain at Hell, Harriet travels the world, Adam is a director in FL, Andrea is an associate director in CA, Jill is happy in PA, and I am in my perfect place. So I'd highly recommend checking the ego at the door.

No Cat Fights Allowed

Warning: Strong Language

I admit I have a temper and refuse to take bullshit from anyone, but I recognize there is a time and a place. I give people a chance, but once they cross the line with me, there is no redemption. I will view the individual as a waste of space and not worth my effort. Some of my girlfriends have joked about fearing crossing that line with me, but I can honestly say, I don't see how that is possible because it requires true maliciousness. One guaranteed though is to impune or question my professionalism or work ethic. I work my ass off and give more than 100%, which can not be said of others, so I have no patience for this type of behavior.

Though I have been confronted with colleagues who have crossed this line through the years, I have learned how best to deal with them thanks to some wonderful mentors. I once had an asshole who enjoyed the fact he was in a supervisory position over me as he truly wanted to see me grovel on my knees in a supplicant position. I had a bitch who claimed to be a friend, but nearly got me fired by reporting anything and everything I said to management. I managed alongside a pack of hyenas that didn't bother with stabbing in the back, but instead aimed for the jugular and dropped acid in the wound. I became the manager of a colleague that I had previously threatened with a hostile work environment charge. In essence, I have worked in some major conflict situations.

My mentors have taught me how best to handle these people with plumb, tack, and professionalism, without revealing my true feelings, which are shared with my friends instead. Person A told me to act like a cop. Be absolutely polite while reading someone their rights, all the while driving your knee into their back as you cuff them. Person B said to drown others in sweetness, offering a compliment along with the critique. Person C said to imagine myself strangling the person while smiling and talking kindly to them. I've taken variations of each in my handling of people. Just to make you feel more comfortable with C's suggestion, I can share with my friends that Z is a prick and Y is a shithead or X is a selfish narcissistic bitch, yet when I speak to the individual, I won't use those words.

So yesterday, I was once again confronted with a colleague who crossed a line with me again. Yes, this is the repeat offender. Though my friends knew I was volcanic over the situation, my response to my colleague was very professional and corrective. So you needn't worry that I'll get into a cat fight. I have previously dragged one of my colleagues into the back meeting room for a closed door meeting and have had several "conversations" with the repeat offender, but none have led to me raising my voice, which I would not do at work. I may use my "are you fucking kidding me" voice, but I will never ask "are you fucking kidding me."

It's OK to Flirt, Right?

I grew up as a tomboy. I always felt more comfortable talking and joking with guys rather than girls, which has led to me feeling comfortable with flirty banter. I do it without thought. It has never really been an issue. All the men in my life have known I only mean it in fun and that I'm honest enough to let them know if there was more to the running commentary. The first closest friend I can remember is Jose followed by Chris, August, John, and the list goes on.

I've been friendly and flirty my entire life with the exception of when I suffered the bitter betrayal. Yes, a part of that is my divorce, which led to me not trusting male or female alike for a long time. But that isn't the betrayal I'm talking about. My biggest betrayal involved my friend August's wife. August and I had been friends for ten years. Yes, we'd tried dating and realized we truly did love each other, but only as friends. He married one of my best friends and managed to be one of the few remaining friends to survive my first marriage. When I was newly single, his wife informed me that she didn't trust my friendship with her husband. I can't describe the sense of betrayal I felt at my friend believing I would ever try to disrupt her marriage, much less hurt her that way. Without giving away too many details, I can say she insured I would never trust her again and I lost my friends during a time in my life when I desperately needed them.

After that experience, I avoided close friendships for years. I eventually became friendly with Kevin and Tim, hanging out with them at the pub, having lunch, and chatting about inconsequentual stuff. At one point, hubby thought I talked about Tim a bit too much, but he was used to it. Hubby jokes about the time he had to wade through a line of men to chat with me when we were dating because I flirted so much. But I honestly gave it no thought.

Now that I've become more open again, letting friends in, I've actually had two men step over the line. Though they know I'm married, that I despise cheaters, they felt the need to test the waters. I always felt guilt afterwards as if my flirting might have led them on, though I made it clear I wasn't interested. Those who know me can attest to the fact I've made it clear, under no circumstances would I ever cheat on my husband. I find the idea truly repulsive.

When I read my religious books, I feel more guilt because many of them state married women shouldn't flirt or have male friends. I find this a very disturbing thought. I don't flirt for the intention of cheating. I flirt to make someone else feel better and for me to feel better. Who can deny enjoying having someone else's attention for a bit? And I'm an equal opportunity flirter. Male, female, gay, straight. It doesn't matter. So I ask, is it okay to flirt?

The Timing of It All

This weekend, I realized my priorities and idea of time are quite different from other people's ideas. For instance, I had plans to attend a formal dinner after picking up my car the other night. So I got dressed and was ready to go, while hubby was relaxed though he needed to drive me to the dealership. He even found time to write out some bills. while I rushed around. We headed out the door and I asked him if he had everything he needed. He said he wasn't sure since I had rushed him out the door. Once in the car, I asked if he had his phone on him in case my car wasn't truly finished. He said no, cause he was rushed out the door. I asked if he had his wallet. He said barely as he was rushed out the door. At which point, my temper snapped, yet he had time to write out bills. Where were his priorities?

Once we got to the dealership, the man took his time explaining to me the work done on my car. Mind you, they had my car from 10:00-5:30. Plenty of time! I asked about my wiper blades and the guy told me they were fine. I asked if they'd been replaced. No, they didn't need replaced, was his response. What? They were shredded so bad, they were falling off. He patronized me, asking if I was confused over the windshield damage they had to fix. No, I know the difference between the windshield and blades. He said they could fix it now. I told him, I was on my way to a dinner and he said, they could do it in 3 minutes flat. When I made my way out to the car, 5 minutes later, two men were wrestling with the blades. Checklist, anyone?

Later in the weekend, we had friends over for pizza and movie night. It was planned down to the minute. Pizza ordered at 7:20, 45 minute delivery estimate, delivered by 8:05. Wait, the pizza was actually delivered at 7:40, though people wouldn't arrive until 8:00. How is that a 45 minute wait?

Thankfully, everything went smoothly with my weekend plans, though I do question how other people think.

Goals and Expectations

My colleagues are definitely giving me fodder this week. I was speaking with another colleague concerning the person's son's decisions involving marriage, having children, and switching careers midstream. I recognized these concerns because my parents had them over ten years ago as well. I truly believe there is a generational issue involved. My parent's and my colleague's generation married straight out of college and began their career path with the idea of a home and 2.5 kids within a certain amount of years. Their generation didn't expect to change jobs, much less careers, and many still felt marriage was the end goal in relationships. My generation is more fluid. I'm on my second career and my third employer within that career. I spent my early twenties completely lost and unsure, but going forward with "the plan." You know "the plan," to settle into a career, get married, etc., basically what I saw my parents do.

The problem is I followed "the plan." I had my bachelors in an industry that didn't appeal to me. I had debated changing majors in college, but my father repeatedly pointed out that I would never find real employment with those other degrees. The problem I ran into after graduation was I couldn't find real employment with my job-guaranteed degree. I got married and actually did plan to have children with the ex. I craved to have the security I felt in childhood.

After my divorce and its subsequent issues, I realized I couldn't live "the plan," not in this day and age. It didn't work for me. No employer was going to keep me permanently, much less I wouldn't be happy in the same job that I began when I was 22 because I didn't know myself then. I saw relationships come and go and knew that people changed over time and unless both people worked at the relationship, it was doomed to fail. No relationship survives laziness. I struggled to find myself and see what I had to offer myself, an employer, a significant other, or my children.

I think many in my generation feel this way. Don't get me wrong, I know not everyone falls into the same category and I'm generalizing here, but many of us have seen our parents suffer the recession in the 1980s, divorce, blended families, and jobs outsourced or eliminated. We've learned nothing in life is guaranteed. So we can't say where we'll be five, ten, or twenty years from now. We can only say what our current goals and expectations are and move forward, but we understand life may come along and alter those.

I have accepted my unconventional life. People say I'll change my mind about not having children. My response, "If you say so." People are shocked to discover I'm in a long-distance marriage and try to find a solution for us. My response, "We're making the best of the situation and have discovered a happy medium that most never find." Hubby had people question him marrying me since I was on my second marriage in my 20s. My current response, "We are celebrating a decade together this year." My parents questioned me leaving my management career to go back to library school. My current response, "An amazing career choice that has led me down some interesting paths and has given me more confidence in myself." People thought I was crazy to leave my family, friends, and a great career to move to the middle of Indiana and a part of me, at the time, agreed. My response now, "The best decision I've ever made besides marrying hubby."

So don't worry about your crazy kids making those crazy decisions. You never know where it might lead them.

Making Cents

A colleague of mine was shocked the other day that we would send a bill for $0.40. The individual stated, anything less than a dollar should be waived. I stared at the person in shock, before raising my jaw off the ground and tried to explain the concept. If we waived any bills under a dollar, it would add up to thousands of dollars of lost revenues over a year. And in our world of constrained budgets, every cent counts. It was terrifying to me that this individual didn't understand this. The person thought I was just being overly conservative about money.

I remember the first time my father explained why every cent counts. I had questioned why he drove across the street to get gas for one cent less than the gas on our side of the street. To my childish mind, it made no sense. My father asked me to figure out how much money he would save over a month or year by saving that measly one cent and what I could buy instead with that money. It was a concept I learned rather quickly as a child.

I guess I should have used the same explanation to my colleague. If we receive a hundred research requests a week and thirty of those bills are less than a dollar, how much unrecognized revenue would accumulate over a month or year.

I truly hope this colleague never is placed in charge of our budgets because this is fiscally irresponsible in difficult budgetary times. But it does make me concern to think how many other people believe it's no big deal and to round up or down when it comes to cents. Don't get me wrong, I don't nickle and dime everything in my life, but I think this is a reasonable concept to use in a work environment. Has anyone explained this concept to the next generation who may not understand the idea of decimals and the importance of making every cent count? Just food for thought.