Crazy Talk

Honestly I do not want to discuss the details but life has definitely thrown me some doozies lately. I woke yesterday feeling a blue mood so to get myself going I cranked up the Foo Fighters Radio on Pandora. Before long I was bopping around but couldn't ignore the cloud that remained over my head.

I was dreading my appointment with the therapist. The past two weeks, my friends have surprised me with their insight and compassion so I shouldn't have been worried about this appointment but I've always struggled with being my biggest critic. I know my faults, I know the things in my life I can never change, and I also know that all the people who have told me over the years that I am cold and heartless are somewhat right.

Apparently I had a lot to discuss because it became a two hour session. I'm glad because in the end, I walked away with a new perspective. As I write this, I can hear Michelle saying, I told you this all along. I have survived so much in my life. The therapist even remarked that when I described the circumstances from my past, my health, my feelings about never being a mother, and life in general, that I refuse to see myself as a victim and seem to always take the survivor's standpoint. She explained this was why I always confront situations rather than wait for someone else to determine the outcome and why I can easily cut-off people who accidentally and intentionally hurt me.

Apparently, I am a very well-adjusted person who tries to be honest with herself, understands herself, and is realistic, but also is very empathetic, passionate, warm, and loving. She really wants me to focus on those last four. Things that I have viewed as broken within my psyche, she thinks are me being realistic of my limits and that there is nothing wrong with me making adjustments in order to handle these limits.

Sorry Mich, but she agreed with me about my futuristic view. Because I am fully aware of my limits, I have reached them. She was impressed when I described the four people in my life who are my support network and what each brings to my life. The love and acceptance I have found with these four has formed a cohesive healthy network in my life that compensates for the things I can't handle outside the bounds of friendship. With that network in place along with my circle of friends and my acceptance of my future, she believes I am being brutally honest with myself and in the end, it is best for me to have that realistic view of my future. It is me knowing my shortcomings and learning to accept them. Maybe someday that will change but not now.

For those of you reading this and scratching your heads, I promise to explain at some point in the future but not yet. Just know that the therapist doesn't think I'm crazy which is always a good thing. And that I am forever grateful for all of you being my friends.