People Surprise You

Becky and I had an extremely emotional conversation today. It was a long time coming, shockingly cathartic, and filled with more startling revelations. I couldn't believe something she revealed concerning what I have felt has been a break in our friendship. Don't get me wrong, we've remained friends but we (Becky, Erin, and I) disagreed over something very important to me so the topic has been off-limits until today. It's amazing what a difference one word can make and in this situation, it really was one word that healed the wound. Of course, now I'll have to repeat this same conversation with Erin but if it ends with the same promise of love and friendship, then I can do it.

And to clarify something I've said recently to some people that Becky called me on. I am not giving up. The future is wide open. I just now have a higher standard to reach, one that I've had to admit may not be attainable, but I'm not giving up the hope of someday. I just refuse to ever settle, even if I fail to reach the higher standard, settling is not the answer either.

I'm glad we've managed to get over this issue because the next few days will be rough and my gals will get me through. My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride this week with some extreme highs and lows but I know I'm making the right decisions so I'll stay on course.

I received back-to-back emails tonight that triggered some strong emotions then I returned home to a difficult task that needed to be done. Tomorrow is an appointment with someone who will make a critical financial decision for me, then allergy shot, and work. It's a long day after such an emotionally draining one. But there is a reprieve. The gals and I may checkout a new band this weekend which I may desperately need once I get through these next few days.

Once again, thanks to my loved ones who have been so amazingly wonderful and supportive. And for my utterly confused friends, I just keep asking for your patience.

Crazy Talk

Honestly I do not want to discuss the details but life has definitely thrown me some doozies lately. I woke yesterday feeling a blue mood so to get myself going I cranked up the Foo Fighters Radio on Pandora. Before long I was bopping around but couldn't ignore the cloud that remained over my head.

I was dreading my appointment with the therapist. The past two weeks, my friends have surprised me with their insight and compassion so I shouldn't have been worried about this appointment but I've always struggled with being my biggest critic. I know my faults, I know the things in my life I can never change, and I also know that all the people who have told me over the years that I am cold and heartless are somewhat right.

Apparently I had a lot to discuss because it became a two hour session. I'm glad because in the end, I walked away with a new perspective. As I write this, I can hear Michelle saying, I told you this all along. I have survived so much in my life. The therapist even remarked that when I described the circumstances from my past, my health, my feelings about never being a mother, and life in general, that I refuse to see myself as a victim and seem to always take the survivor's standpoint. She explained this was why I always confront situations rather than wait for someone else to determine the outcome and why I can easily cut-off people who accidentally and intentionally hurt me.

Apparently, I am a very well-adjusted person who tries to be honest with herself, understands herself, and is realistic, but also is very empathetic, passionate, warm, and loving. She really wants me to focus on those last four. Things that I have viewed as broken within my psyche, she thinks are me being realistic of my limits and that there is nothing wrong with me making adjustments in order to handle these limits.

Sorry Mich, but she agreed with me about my futuristic view. Because I am fully aware of my limits, I have reached them. She was impressed when I described the four people in my life who are my support network and what each brings to my life. The love and acceptance I have found with these four has formed a cohesive healthy network in my life that compensates for the things I can't handle outside the bounds of friendship. With that network in place along with my circle of friends and my acceptance of my future, she believes I am being brutally honest with myself and in the end, it is best for me to have that realistic view of my future. It is me knowing my shortcomings and learning to accept them. Maybe someday that will change but not now.

For those of you reading this and scratching your heads, I promise to explain at some point in the future but not yet. Just know that the therapist doesn't think I'm crazy which is always a good thing. And that I am forever grateful for all of you being my friends.

St. Patrick's Day

It has become an annual tradition for the gals and I to stop by JKs for St. Patrick's Day. It is a time for us to regroup and reconnect. These gals are the best in the world and I couldn't imagine my life without them.

Of course, we had to ask a stranger to take a photo with us because our first year attending this celebration, we had our picture taken with High Five Guy.