The Dreaded Call

Me and N

My family loves drama. When I glance at the caller i.d., I question if this conversation will be a good one, a frustrating one, or that dreaded one. For the past ten years, I have waited for that final call, the one when my sister or mom tells me John has overdosed. This is not me being negative, rather me being prepared considering the circumstances. And in recent months, I have worried that the next call is about mom since her health issues are serious. These situations have weighed on me. John turns 28 in a few days, which leads to the inevitable mental argument; do I chance breaking my ultimatum from his intervention or do I plead with him for his life? I desperately want to believe this time is different. He has been so honest with me recently, yet I know how close to the edge he is and my mother's request concerning him can not be ignored.

N, Jo, & C

But before I could decide how I would handle the coming week, I received a completely different call. My niece, N, has been struggling through some harsh circumstances. N and I have a unique relationship since I'm a pseudo-mom to her. We've had some weighty discussions and I have done innumerable things to improve her life, some legal and not-so-legal in order to protect her. So I can clearly say she is my little girl. I have been so proud watching her blossom into an amazingly smart and beautiful young woman, who has a glowing future ahead of her, yet I received The Call. My beautiful little girl decided life was too painful, but thankfully she failed in her attempt and is currently being monitored.

Though I can barely discuss this situation without breaking down, there are several blessings. John was with my mom last night offering support. Jo and I have discussed how to get through the next 72 hours and we tried to make things appear normal for C, who keeps asking after Sissy (N). And I have the love and support of my friends. Becky held me as I lost it after the call, Mich let me sob out the story though I'm sure she couldn't understand a word, and Delia and Dawne have offered a venue for me to express my frustration. And the truest blessings are that N failed in her attempt and that she will get the help she needs. As my heart breaks, I have to ask, what is wrong with this world? This vibrant child has been dealt numerous blows through her short life and is now so crushed that she sought a way out.