A Different Perspective

Day 4, Wednesday

12:00 am - 4:00 am The vicious cycle continued and I could not fall asleep. I finally accepted defeat and decided to quit fighting it. I didn't have anything planned for the day except to cancel the neurologist appointment that my primary care had arranged. I didn't see the point in seeing the neurologist if my specialist was sending me to a different neurologist. I admit to feeling defeated at hearing that there wasn't an answer to my concerns except another drug treatment.

Since I couldn't sleep, I read through my blog entries from last year when I chronicled my week and was surprised to discover that I struggled back then as well. But I saw an improvement ... I have not had a fugue moment in months, except for the week I worked ten days straight. This helped me feel better.

Setting my alarm so I could call the doc, I was startled to see my neurologist appointment with Dr. K was scheduled for today rather than Thursday.

8:30 am -10:30 am Upon waking, I frantically completed the paperwork for this new appointment while running around getting ready. I had a negative attitude about this visit. Dr. S had always listened to me and I wasn't in the mood for another blowoff. To clarify these appointments; Dr. S is a pulmonary doctor and Dr. K is a neurologist. They both specialize in sleep disorders in their fields. I originally wanted to see a neurologist because my disorder is neurological and not pulmonary. Though Dr. S had diagnosed me, he admitted he could only treat my symptoms to a certain extent but after the day before I really didn't want to see another doctor.

10:30 am -12:30 pm I am so glad that I went to this appointment. Dr. K listened to my concerns and addressed them in a firm manner. She agreed with me that the stimulant is too much and is contributing to my insomnia along with the chest pressure. She also agreed that I should not begin the Xyrem treatment. She believes that all of my symptoms stem from two sources; the stimulant and my emotional state.

I know this is similar to what Dr. S said except he refused to acknowledge the stimulant was a factor and spoke repeatedly of my stress influencing my energy. Instead Dr. K spoke about the continual fear and guilt that narcos suffer. I have previously written on this blog about my guilt over failing people because I'm so exhausted or bail on things. I know from my support group that others suffer from these same concerns. Dr. K stated that I am overly compensating for a failing that hasn't occurred and may never occur. Essentially, I need to give myself a break.

While in SLC last week, I was stressed and worked hard, yet I had the best sleep in months. Why? Because I wasn't in my environs where I'm continuously aware of all the tasks that need to get done. I allowed myself to take naps and go to bed early, which is a mental block I have when at home.

They are scheduling me with a neuropsychiatrist, someone who is familiar with mapping out the neuropathway that the brain takes in these situations and who is more familiar with my condition. They will help me determine the best way for me to nap including some cognitive therapy to teach my mind how to shut down.

She said that I can do this with the lower stimulant but that we have to address my current sleep deficit which is also why I've been full of self-doubt and excessively weepy as of late. I have previously undergone cognitive therapy and believe it can dramatically make a difference in a person's life so I walked away feeling better.

12:30 pm - 2:30 pm Following the appointment, I had to connect with my gals so they would know the latest. In the past few weeks, each of us have experienced some type of chaotic upheaval in our lives and each of us have dropped everything in order to be supportive. All three of them reminded me that our friendships are based on unconditional love. Thanks again! I'm done with the emotional upheaval.

I spoke with my parents who are waiting to hear about my dad's retirement paperwork and took my first step in giving myself a break. Dad will be completing some work on the farm in WV for the next two weeks. Immediately, I thought of how I could visit with him, but decided against it. Between the drive and the stress of dealing with the family, it's not a good idea.

2:30 pm - 5:30 pm I crashed hard. One minute, I was picking up around the house and the next, my legs were jello. After a lengthy nap, I woke on the couch with Bartle strewn over my feet and Cleo tucked next to my legs. It still amazes me that somehow all three of us fit on the couch together.

5:30 pm - 11:00 pm After paying some bills, in which I cringed watching my accounts shrink, I finally opened a PowerPoint presentation to begin working on my FGS lectures. I'm not as invested in these lectures which makes it feel like I'm slogging through my thought process. Hopefully, that will change soon.