Time Has Run Out

My niece asked the other day why I wasn't having kids cause she'd really like a cousin. I told her I was a selfish person, in which she corrected me that I cared for her, therefore could not be selfish. Too bad life is not as simple as a ten year old's view of it.

Last year, I wrote about having to make a medical decision, in which, I took the easier road and bought myself some time to determine if I wanted children. A year later and I still recognize I don't want children now, but in the distant future...maybe, I don't know. I don't see myself making the final decision to get pregnant. I had a twinge this year where I debated becoming a mommy, but still viewed it as an abstract thought rather than reality.

This week, I underwent some further tests since my symptoms have returned worse than ever. The doctor informed me, my time had run out. He could do a minor procedure that had a 50% chance of alleviating my symptoms for a limited time if I chose to have a baby, but that the end result was I require surgery that will eliminate the possibility of children.

I've had a whole year to contemplate this decision and still can't say if I want kids. I truly dislike being in the position of making a final decision, but at the same time, I wonder haven't I already decided, but don't want to admit it. Looking back, I have no regrets up to this point. I have wonderful nieces and a nephew to shower my love and attention on. My body is forcing me to make the decision my mind didn't ever want to make. The hubby asked what would be my optimal idea of when to have children, when I described it to him, he pointed out the flaws in my vision. I would be very unhappy in the life I described. Have I based my ideal family situation on an unattainable dream to insure I never thought it was the right time for a child? Over the next week, I'll make my final decision on what is the best course.

Thanks to those who have listened to me go back and forth in my thought process on this subject.