I grew up as a tomboy. I always felt more comfortable talking and joking with guys rather than girls, which has led to me feeling comfortable with flirty banter. I do it without thought. It has never really been an issue. All the men in my life have known I only mean it in fun and that I'm honest enough to let them know if there was more to the running commentary. The first closest friend I can remember is Jose followed by Chris, August, John, and the list goes on.
I've been friendly and flirty my entire life with the exception of when I suffered the bitter betrayal. Yes, a part of that is my divorce, which led to me not trusting male or female alike for a long time. But that isn't the betrayal I'm talking about. My biggest betrayal involved my friend August's wife. August and I had been friends for ten years. Yes, we'd tried dating and realized we truly did love each other, but only as friends. He married one of my best friends and managed to be one of the few remaining friends to survive my first marriage. When I was newly single, his wife informed me that she didn't trust my friendship with her husband. I can't describe the sense of betrayal I felt at my friend believing I would ever try to disrupt her marriage, much less hurt her that way. Without giving away too many details, I can say she insured I would never trust her again and I lost my friends during a time in my life when I desperately needed them.
After that experience, I avoided close friendships for years. I eventually became friendly with Kevin and Tim, hanging out with them at the pub, having lunch, and chatting about inconsequentual stuff. At one point, hubby thought I talked about Tim a bit too much, but he was used to it. Hubby jokes about the time he had to wade through a line of men to chat with me when we were dating because I flirted so much. But I honestly gave it no thought.
Now that I've become more open again, letting friends in, I've actually had two men step over the line. Though they know I'm married, that I despise cheaters, they felt the need to test the waters. I always felt guilt afterwards as if my flirting might have led them on, though I made it clear I wasn't interested. Those who know me can attest to the fact I've made it clear, under no circumstances would I ever cheat on my husband. I find the idea truly repulsive.
When I read my religious books, I feel more guilt because many of them state married women shouldn't flirt or have male friends. I find this a very disturbing thought. I don't flirt for the intention of cheating. I flirt to make someone else feel better and for me to feel better. Who can deny enjoying having someone else's attention for a bit? And I'm an equal opportunity flirter. Male, female, gay, straight. It doesn't matter. So I ask, is it okay to flirt?
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5 comments:
Of course, it's ok to flirt...just remember that sometimes men can't read the signs...cause they are from a different planet. Also, I don't know what religious books you are reading, but remember, the main ones are written by who? Men. And, they are from where? A different planet.
Men and women can be friends--anyone who says that you shouldn't be friends with members of the opposite sex suffers from serious insecurity issues--or serious control issues--and isn't a reliable source on the matter.
Light flirting is fun and definitely okay--and that's the type of flirting you engage in. I've been around you when you're flirting and there's never any question of your commitment to the hubby. There's always a risk that someone will interpret things they want to interpret them--they are attracted and want to believe that the "connection" between the two of you is so strong that it overrides all else, that they are the exception to the rule, whatever. Self-delusional at best.
Love Kay's post!
Becky
Those who don't listen to you and hit on you anyway would have done it eventually. Those who take light flirting and try to make it something serious, when they KNOW you are in a firm relationship, again, would have tried eventually anyway. I told DH about your problema nd he said, "I hate it wheen they take it seriously. Remember?" (There was someone in the past who tried to turn his light flirting into something else -- right in front of me!) Look at this as a way to weed out those you can depend on to be a comforting shoulder, someone to call in an emergency from someone who would try to take advantage of your vulnerability.
Of course it is ok to flirt. You are a friendly and outgoing person and that is a good thing. You are committed to your primary relationship and that is all that matters. When you start to feel guilty, just tell yourself to shut-up and continue to have a good time.
Mich
My advice? Quit reading the religious books. Honestly, most of them are really shallow and silly, which is sad.
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