Extreme Self-Preservation

This is a long one because I needed to vent.

At the age of 31, I ran away from home. This decision was precipitated by many factors, but the main one was drama, drama, drama. I couldn't continue acting as guide, savior, bank, and emotional provider. It became too much. As the eldest child, all the rules applied to me and I was taught self-preservation. At the age of 18, I was given two choices: go to college or move out. For years, I felt this was a harsh ultimatum, but after years of watching how my own life has differed from my siblings, who did not have the same set of rules, I now readily agree with the edict. After years of being told, I was an adult and should handle things on my own, I once questioned my parents about why this was the response when I asked for help all the while, I've watched my siblings continuously receive more help than I ever thought to ask. The explanation is simple. My parents always knew I was self-sufficient enough to find my way, unlike my siblings who are so lost that they would fail if left to fend for themselves. For years, I felt like I was punished for not being a failure like my siblings. Though my family routinely comments on how easy my life is, they seem to forget how hard I've worked to make my life what it is. I never had things handed to me. I made horrible choices and paid the consequences of those decisions. Rather than allow my past to be a crutch, I've learned and grown from the experiences. I once told a boyfriend that the moment someone viewed me as a victim, I left because I needed to be seen as a survivor. And I've taken that stance with all aspects of my life, including my health.

Within a month of my diagnosis, hubby and I traveled to Florida to visit our family, which resulted in the latest round of drama. Don't get me wrong, the drama was already there, but it exploded when we visited. There are multiple factors at play: a. one sibling is a drug addict, b. we had an intervention, in which I stuck to my ultimatum, c. this led to much dissension in the family, where I was told I'm judgmental and too harsh, d. the drug addict has begun changing his life and feels I'm the only he can trust because I've been honest about my feelings, e. one sibling likes drama and refuses to learn from previous lessons, f. I'm the keeper of secrets, so I know the truth about the various members of the family that no one else knows, hence I'm the one with all the facts, g. I refuse to give anymore money to any family members, h. I know of certain health conditions that the family is hiding from each other, i. it's always about their drama. You see, I'm the secret keeper. Everyone calls and tells me the latest and begs me not to share, which I don't. Due to all the recent drama and lies, I have lost patience with people. I'm currently not in communication with some members of the family and have blown up at others.

The most recent conversation made me breakdown and state my demands. No one has cared about what I've been going through. In the past few years, I had the uterine tests and procedures, a hysterectomy, a damaged bladder, recovery, tests, and treatments, unexplained episodes and more tests, my final diagnosis, trying to find the right treatment, and my emotional state. Never once has anyone called to see how I was doing. Most of the calls relate to some recent drama in the family. I explained in my recent conversation that I was done listening to the same crap over and over again, that I felt isolated from everyone in the family, and that I needed to focus on myself, which included not accepting calls in the evening cause dealing with family drama at 8:00 at night did not help me rest. No one comprehends that I had a full blown episode after the trip to Florida. That between the drama, lack of sleep, and stress, my body shut down on me. It took a long while to recover and honestly, I don't think I've recovered physically, mentally, or emotionally.

So this weekend, I received a call from my sis, who hasn't spoken to me in months and essentially cut me out of her life. The message went something like this, I know we haven't talked in a long time, but I've made a lot of changes in my life and wanted to talk to you about it. All the while, the tone of voice was the beaten down-trodden tone that said, my life is full of woes. I never returned to the call. This is a first for me. Anytime a member of the family calls, I take the call or return it immediately because in my family, the call is usually prompted by some "emergency." If the message had been something along the lines of, we haven't talked in a long while and I wanted to reconnect, I would have returned the call. But I feared this call would be like all the others, me listening to another tale of woe, where I was made to feel guilty for cleaning up my life, for having money, a career, a husband, friends, and a life. And of course, there would be a complete lack of regard for what I am going through. Because honestly, certain members of my family don't even realize I have issues because every conversation has always been about them. Then I received a call at 8:35 pm on Sunday night from the person I had told I would not take evening calls. I had waited for this person to call me all week since our disagreement. Guess what? I didn't answer. This truly was a first, because I have never declined a call from this person.

Don't get me wrong, I'll eventually take their calls, but at the moment, I am in a state of extreme self-preservation and I come first. I know this makes me sound selfish, but after years of giving people my savings, driving cars filled with drugs, taking police calls in the middle of the night, waiting anxiously for the call that something horrific had happened, watching someone bounce from one abusive relationship to the next, watching someone destroy their lives and others, being repeatedly told my faults, and that my life is perfect and I can't understand those with issues, I've had enough. My life is not perfect. I am sinking right now with my own struggles and has anyone called to check on me or even realized I need help. Well, we know the answer to that.