Desperately Seeking Sleep

Day 6, Wednesday

5:45 a.m. - 8:00 a.m. Amazingly enough I woke with the first alarm. I have multiple alarms because waking can be difficult sometimes and I fear in my confusion that I will turn the one alarm off and go back to sleep. This has happened before. I ran around getting ready like a mad woman though I had warned my boss I might be late this week depending on how long it takes me to get Bartle settled. I was unsure of his reaction to me leaving him alone with the cone and his poor depth perception. We went for a walk and I cleaned his wound before giving him Benadryl in the hope that he wouldn't go insane from the stitching and rip the cone off.

Normally when I leave for the day, I dip his nylabone in peanut butter and place a treat in a Kong. This keeps him entertained for about 15 minutes and tricks him into not being anxious that I'm leaving. He's incapable of playing with either toy right now, so I dipped a treat in a little peanut butter and placed two smaller treats on the plastic sheet from his former kennel. He tried to get to the treats but just kept pushing them around with the cone. Sometimes the treat would flip up into the cone, but he still couldn't eat it. The whole situation was pathetic to watch and worse, the small amount of peanut butter was now all over his cone and the plastic sheet. I cleaned up the mess and left the treats for him. FYI, when I got home, one of the treats was still sitting on the plastic. Apparently, he gave up.

8:00 a.m. - 3:30 p.m. Arrived at work and an e-mail from Michelle who managed to get internet access in Honduras. It was nice to hear from her, but I was a bit confused when she commented on my lack of e-mails. I had text and e-mailed her before she left telling her my plans to document this week on the blog. Oh well! She'll figure it out when she gets back.

My entire work shift was on desk, so I balanced playing catch-up and helping the patrons, but this left no extra time to work on upcoming lectures. A sure sign that I'll need to do some extra work from home in the next few days rather than watch television. I really need to shake that habit. I had been in discussions with a colleague from Becky's former library about me doing a lecture for their customers. She contacted me to share that they have submitted a proposal to their Friends group to have me do a half-day presentation for them. Yay!!! Becky has offered to drive over with me so she can see her old haunt. And the best part, both of the lectures are ones I am presenting at other events, so no new work, except for the fact I still have to write them. I just need to remind myself to take baby steps.

I did have one bitch moment today. My troublesome colleague loves to one-up you in conversations. It gets real tiresome, real quick. She tried this on me today and instead of being humble, I torpedoed her out of the water, essentially rubbing her nose in the fact that we are on different levels. I haven't done this since she questioned my experience level her first week on the job, but I couldn't back down today. Later, she tried to show-off in an e-mail response to my request for date preferences for a week long program. I took delight when Delia questioned the response and my colleague had to backtrack.

3:30 p.m. - 7:30 p.m. Left work early so I could get home to whatever destruction may await, but instead was pleasantly surprised to find Bartle patiently waiting for me, cone still firmly in place. After a brief walk, I cleaned his wound, which had become rather messy while I was at work, picked up around the apartment, and recognized the warning signs of an episode. I took a lengthy nap, hoping to catch it before I felt worse. Hubby woke me with his evening phone call. He had his annual review, which went well. He'll get another contract, but no raise. If only the economy was better then he'd see a nice increase. Oh well! The tornado alarms went off, so I turned on the t.v. because it looked clear outside. Sure enough, they were just testing the system.

7:30 p.m. - 9:00 p.m. I called mom, who seemed to want to rush through the call, which was frustrating once again. I asked for clarification on my dad's comment on Sunday relating to my grandmother's mental state. Turns out, my grandmother has been officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I think anyone in the family could have told the doctors that years ago but they kept saying she had dementia. Apparently she had a severe psychotic episode last week and her hallucinations became extremely unhealthy. She has suffered the typical symptoms of not recognizing her husband or home, feeling paranoia, and talking to her hallucinations. It had gotten worse in the past six months when she began to have odd thoughts concerning inanimate objects. Her recent episode involved some intense hallucinations concerning the bedding which lasted for days. My grandfather has been her caregiver with a part-time nurse, but the doctors have deemed she belongs in a facility.

This is a bit strange for me as I have no relationship with my grandparents. Without going through a recanting of past deeds, I will say I carry the emotional scars of certain incidents. After twenty years of minimal contact, my sister and I visited them four years ago in an attempt to see things from an adult perspective. A few hours later, I had a better understanding of them, though I viewed them as strangers rather than family and understanding them did not make the visit and their deriding comments any easier. I told my dad it would be the last time I visited them, but out of respect for my dad, I would attend their funerals.

After getting off the phone with my mom, I examined how I felt by this sad news that my grandmother was in late stage Alzheimer's and my grandfather was on his farm, alone for the first time in his life. It was similar to how I feel when I see a sad story on the news. I feel bad for them and wouldn't wish this fear or loneliness on anyone, but it does not change how I feel towards them. The person I am most concerned with is my dad and how he is handling everything. I can't imagine watching your parents suffer like this. So I will be there in support of my dad and will listen when he wants to talk about the situation.

I worked on my final SoCal lecture and realized I was missing several record types. This was a big oops moment because they are items I don't know very well, so I'll need to do a bit more research. The end of the month is looming over me.

9:00 p.m. - 1:00 a.m. I spent about an hour reading the Bible and praying before shutting down for the night, which didn't go as planned. I am definitively on the downward spiral. I was choosing my outfit for tomorrow's presentation when I realized I hadn't shut down my laptop, so I sat on the couch to close things out. Two hours later, I was staring at my word document when Bartle got my attention. I had completely lost track of time. I went into the bedroom feeling a bit disoriented to find the light on, the closet open and half of Thursday's outfit sitting on the bed. I had completely zoned out midway through an activity. And now it was late again which meant I wouldn't get much sleep. I took Bartle for his walk and then cleaned his wound and face again.