Heart of the Matter

Day 7, Saturday

10:30 am - 3:00 pm Once again, I allowed myself to sleep in and felt extremely confused upon waking. Following coffee, meds, and some reading material, the fog lifted from my mind rather suddenly and I was able to begin working. I truly intended to go into work to complete some projects before I officially return to work on Monday but my good intentions rarely work out. I did manage to weed through a week's worth of email and to compile the monthly stats before focusing on my lectures once again.

Several FGS emails came through my work, yahoo, and gmail accounts requiring my attention. Unfortunately, several of them involved access to a calendar that still eludes me. Once again, I dedicated time to my FGS lectures and listened to the FGS radio show, which I'm supposed to be co-producing. Anyone have any ideas on topics and guests?

3:00 pm - 7:00 pm My mother always frenetically cleans the house before a holiday and though we never plan anything for Easter, I always complete my spring cleaning on Easter weekend. Since I lost the wrestling match with the trash can lid and broke my elbow three Easters ago, James has been willing to help out with this annual tradition. Hours of moving furniture, scrubbing and cleaning, and moving the furniture back into place gave us plenty of time to converse.

Recently, I've been in a vulnerable state of mind which is aggravated by the ghosts of my past. Though I don't dwell on the past, I don't deny it has fully shaped my life and relationships. Part of the reason James and I are so good together is because he understands my baggage as he suffers from his own scars. In the past few weeks, some conversations have reminded me of why I'm such a cynic but have also let my ghosts out of their box.

Even with all my baggage, I have few regrets because I feel each event has made me a better person. But ending my friendship with August is one of my biggest regrets and began my painful journey through so-called acquaintances. August's wife, Christy, taught me my first lesson that insecurities can decimate a nine year friendship. After this, I had no friends until John took me under his wing. Two years later, Jason swept in as my knight and offered me friendship. I never discuss Jason but his name was mentioned recently and it triggered an avalanche of emotions. I'm not sure of Jason's true motivations nor do I care, because in the end, I suffered a harsh lesson. Jason left me feeling ashamed, humiliated, and distrustful. It was several years later, before I stepped outside my walls to accept Mich as my friend.

When talking, James reminded me of how much I've changed since then and the relationships that I've built. He said all the right things to make me analyze and shut away the ghosts. There are times when he shocks me with his insight. After the heart-to-heart while cleaning, I felt relieved.

7:00 pm - 12:00 am Since the university remains open for their foreign students, James works Easter, which meant our holiday dinner took place on Saturday evening. I know it will shock some of you, but yes, I made a dinner of onion chicken. Not a store-bought, reheated dinner, but from scratch. And with strawberries on sale, I had to serve strawberry shortcake though it is out-of-season in our minds. In Florida, we used to celebrate the strawberry festival in late February so March feels weird, but it was yummy. James desperately wanted to see the new Bond move, Skyfall, which was a disaapointment to us both. We ended the evening with me showing him the keynote from David Pogue that I thought was hilarious.

Now that my vacation is over, I can return to the everyday grind at work and my normal routine.