White Lies & Other Tales

Delia made some remarks to me about scenario c in the Boys post that has made me curious. She took exception to the following comment, "Spouses can't be best friends because you tell your best friend everything including complaining about your spouse." Now, Delia believes that spouses should be best friends and this friendship can help them through the more difficult times. I agree with her but where we part ways is that she disagreed that you tell your best friend everything. My mother has a similar belief as she has advised me not to tell my spouse or my friends everything. Mom thinks there is such a thing as too much honesty and that you should keep certain things to yourself.

As someone who has issues with trust, it is a struggle for me to openly discuss personal things. Though there are times when I want to close myself off, I am fortunate in my true friends who I allow in my life but it also means trusting them with certain private aspects as well. I am even further blessed to have four amazing people in my life who are my dearest friends. These are the friends who have been privy to way too many of the details.

Within my friendships, I abhor lies, even white lies and lies of omission. After years of living with someone continuously lying to me and me lying to cover the situation, I would rather have the honest truth, with all its beauty and pain. I have been warned not to confront friends when I'm upset, yet I've regularly ignored the warning and it hasn't always been easy. I'd rather have the truth out there rather than each of us assuming we understand the situation. And then there is the honesty of how deeply you cherish the friendship. The gals and I have spent many birthday celebrations in tears as we gushed about how we couldn't have survived the past year without each other. It is pure and elemental.

Don't get me wrong, I often breeze over certain things when conversing with people instead of directly discussing a situation. There are times when I'm honest in my response, just not willing to part with any real details. The only person who ever calls me on my bullshit is Mich. I can say I'm alright and mean it, but Mich can tell by my tone or other nuances if there is something bothering me and she'll demand to know what it is. Because here's the thing, Mich knows everything there is to know about me.

I'll admit, hubby doesn't know all my secrets, but Mich knows every crazy and brilliant thought that runs through my head. Does she truly know everything? No, but only because it hasn't come up in conversation yet. I have no hesitation in what I say to her (unless it directly affects her, yet I still say it). I couldn't imagine keeping something from her or having any qualms with discussing aspects of my life.

So when Delia made her remark about not telling her best friend everything, I called Mich to ask her opinion. I know it took a number of years for me to open up to Mich and then a few more years for Mich to feel comfortable with revealing certain things to me, but I thought we were both past that point. I know we have delved into some difficult conversations that would have destroyed most friendships because as I've said, she calls me on my bullshit and I return the favor. So I was quite pleased to hear that Mich feels the same as me about telling each other everything.

For me, it stems from a need to be accepted. I have regularly been told that I am too demanding in my friendships. I am also aware that I have a warped view of the world and some people have even remarked that I am broken, cold-hearted, harsh, judgemental, abrasive, and my favorite, crazy. So to find people that I trust and especially to have people in my life who fully accept me, rather than me having to act a certain way around them, grants me the freedom to revel in the relationship and not to feel the need to hold back.

Maybe Mich and I are unique in the fact that we tell each other everything. Maybe I shouldn't be so open with my other best friends. I have been burned in the past by those closest to me so I understand my mother's advice. But how can I not enjoy these close personal friendships when these individuals know me so completely and I needn't worry about explaining myself because they understand the complexities of my personality?

So what is your stance on telling your friends everything? Do you believe in complete honesty or do you believe there is such a thing as being too honest? Do you feel the need to hold back? Why? How would you feel upon discovering your closest friend lied to you? I prefer avoiding that scenario and stick with being too open.