Favorite Color

More than a dresser

My sister sent me this pic of my former dresser that has finally fallen apart. She doesn't realize that her timing is impeccable because it was an excellent reminder of who I used to be. This dresser has great significance in my life. While my ex was at work one day, I packed my bags and disappeared. It was one of the bravest things I ever did. I left all the furnishings and moved into my sister's new place. A friend allowed me to take furniture from her grandmother's storage unit so I would at least have a bed and dresser, which eventually became N's.

Sometimes people think they understand when I describe rebuilding myself. Some think I changed certain habits, while others think I just reevaluated the course of my life. I've been told several times that you can't change who you are or at least not at the core. Well, I did!

This all came about one day when the guy I was dating asked my opinion concerning home decor. I was completely incapable of answering. The conversation progressed from there, in which it was a rude awakening to discover I could not comfortably form an opinion. There is so much more to this story but suffice to say, this was the critical moment that lead to me finally getting therapy.

Part of the therapy included deciding who I wanted to be, what interests appealed, learning to not be overwhelmed by my options, and becoming confident in my decisions. My first assignment was to decide what color I wanted to paint this dresser which was originally an atrocious yellow color. You can not imagine the hours I spent staring at paint samples or the chilling fear of asking for instructions on how to properly complete this project.

This dresser was the first step in creating the new Melissa. Not only did I strip and sand the paint off the wood, prime it, then paint it the colors I selected, I even bought stenciling supplies and painted purple ivy along the sides. For those from our craft group, you know my comfort level with this, i.e. none. Back then, I completely lacked confidence so it was sheer torture and yet I did it.

My current purple bathroom

This pic was a nice reminder of how my life has evolved. I was nervous about going back to my maiden name because MS is a confident woman while MT struggled so much to discover her identity, but I've realized that's okay. 17 yr old MT liked purple, 21 yr old MC had no clue, and 23 yr old MT decided lilac was her favorite color, in which 35 yr old MS agreed, as evidenced by my insistence on decorating my bathroom, my way.

Though my favorite color may not have changed, the person making the decision has. I have evolved into a different person because there was a point in my life when I lacked the confidence to tell someone what color appealed, much less any other opinion. I truly believed myself incapable of handling anything, though my actions proved me thoroughly capable. I was afraid to ask for guidance, to accomplish anything, or have an opinion because I believed it would validate my own stupidity. Anyone who knows me now would have a hard time believing any of this because that woman does not exist anymore and hasn't for a long time. Though this old dresser has seen its last day, the next phase of my, Melissa T's, life is just beginning.